It's All Coming Back To Me

by Michelle Marra

I flop back on the sofa and stare at the ceiling, but only seeing Sam’s face. “I’ll think about it,” I say. Because I’m not sure my heart can take another stomp.

  “Don’t think about it too long sweetie,” she says. “You have a chance at love, a love that was created for just you. Don’t waste it, it may not come again.”

  It’s pissing me off that she is baiting me like this…pulling on my heartstrings. Knowing that I love Sam. And even though I was trying to move on since I’ve been here, doesn’t mean I don’t still love her so deeply. But I’m not sure I can put myself out there again and risk the breaking of an already damaged heart. I don’t think I could live through it again.

  “All I can do is think about it Mom. I need a couple of days. I’ll let you know what I decide. I love you.” I end the call and throw my phone across the room.

  “I can’t fucking believe this,” I yell out to no one as the tears come once again.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “N ow, what am I supposed to do?” I ask myself because who else can I ask? Who do I know that will give me an unbiased answer? I don’t know what to do. I can’t bring myself to move let alone go for that walk I was so excited about. I just can’t bring myself to go beyond these walls. So I just sit on my sofa with my head in my hands trying to stop the flow of tears.

  I don’t remember laying down on the sofa, but when I wake up hours later, it’s with a splitting headache. I stand up without trying to think and mindlessly walk toward the bathroom. I need a cool shower to clear the fog from my brain and take the sting out of my swollen eyes.

  The cold water did little for my headache. However, it did help my eyes stop burning. Showered, dressed, and with wet hair stuck to my face, I’m now standing in this condo’s kitchen. I reach for a bottle of wine and open it. I forgo the glass. Didn’t need another conduit to get the wine from the bottle and into my mouth. I know alcohol is not going to help me make any sound decisions, and I know I need to think of what I’m going to do. But right now, I want to numb the pain…I want to not care. I want something other than this wrecking ball in my chest.

  The first bottle of wine goes down without a problem, but once I’m into the second, I can’t stop the onslaught of tears. My mother’s words keep ringing in my ears. ‘A love so deep it seeps into the marrow of your bones.’ Well, that was certainly true in the beginning…and the latter part of her statement, ‘and is utterly impossible to live without.’ I certainly put that to the test too.

  My thoughts are all over the place, I can’t keep anything in focus. I guess two bottles of wine wasn’t the wisest decision, especially when I need to decide what the hell I’m going to do. I’m torn between longing for Sam so hard that my body aches just to talk to her; but at the same time, I want to let go and get over all of it.

  For these weeks I’ve spent in this condo, plunged into utter silence, I felt the most at peace with myself than I have in a very long time. And right now I’m trying to figure out what that is saying about my life. Am I better off without Sam? Or am I just in denial and hiding myself away? It’s certainly easier than dealing with the cold hard reality that Sam is better off without me. It’s a reality I want no parts of.

  I locate my phone under the bookcase where it bounced after I chucked it to the floor. I see several text messages. I didn’t realize I still had all notifications muted, except for phone calls. But it was just as well, I was really in no condition to converse with anyone whether it was via text or not. But I had half a dozen texts, four of them are from Lily. A smile forms on my face when I think back to the sweet girl who was so desperately trying to win my heart. I click on the conversation wondering what she could possibly want after so much time has passed. I hadn’t really spoken to her since I left Camden nearly a year ago.

  Laurel, saw the announcement in the paper.

  What the hell?

  You need to do something about this.

  You guys belong together, any moron can see that!

  I laugh a little, still pushing the tears from my eyes. She always did text in increments. The next cluster of texts was from my brothers basically saying the same thing.

  This is fucking ridiculous I yell aloud. How the hell am I supposed to think straight now with all this pressure on me? If they all think we belong together, why isn’t anyone pestering her? Telling her how stupid she’s being. Because right now I’m not sure I have the fight in me. Maybe it would be better if I just let it happen. Let all of those memories go, those memories she awoke in me. Those fucking memories that apparently were only sleeping somewhere inside me.

  “Dammit!” I walk out onto the terrace and press myself against the rail. My eyes focus on the water where the moonlight’s glow was bouncing off it. “What should I do?”

  I needed someone to tell me because I haven’t a clue.

  I took the next three days to come to grips with the fact that I was going to try…going to make one last-ditch effort to win back the woman I love. The woman I know I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. And I guess who I would be with now if it weren’t for my foolish and prideful anger. Which I’m finding is another giant, bitter pill I have to swallow daily. But I have to go home and look Sam in the eye when I tell her, or maybe beg her…to choose me.

  As I was packing my backpack, I couldn’t believe how much of a one-eighty I’ve done in such a short amount of time. Because I certainly wouldn’t be putting myself out there to any woman. And I certainly wouldn’t be swallowing my pride and traveling almost seventeen hundred miles on a chance that the heart I hand Sam may be thrown back at me again. But, here I go.

  The car service drops me at Naples Municipal Airport where I’ll take a commuter jet to Miami to catch my flight home. The flight on this tiny plane is less than thirty minutes, which I’m extremely thankful for because it is everything I can do not to freak out at the very small size of the cabin. Fortunately, there are only two other people on board, so I’m able to stave off my complete panic attack by keeping my eyes closed. After the plane lands and I step off, I vow to never complain about space inside a normal plane again.

  My flight leaves at 8:45 p.m. I’m thankful there wasn’t a delay with the tiny plane because I barely had time to get through security before passengers were being seated. But I luck out and pretty much just make it to my seat before the plane is taxing down the runway. Fifteen minutes later I’m sitting on an Airbus A330 about five miles in the air, and I can tell you that three hours can seem like a lifetime when you’re trying to get somewhere fast. I know I took it down to the wire because it wasn’t an easy decision. Weighing the pros and cons on a constant basis. I even flipped a coin at least two-hundred times. Not that I would leave a monumental life decision such as this to chance. But I was finding it too difficult to try and determine what I should do without taking into account my selfishness.

  Because it is a selfish act to burst into someone else’s wedding and object.

  “I object…I think the bride still loves me.”

  Yeah, right.

  But I needed the time to do some real soul-searching. Even though I know I love Sam, I had to be sure my motives were pure. I wanted to know if I did get her back and that was a big ‘if,’ that I wouldn’t turn tail and run. Because above all else, I want Sam to be happy.

  The turbulence pulls me from my thoughts. The plane starts to shake and vibrate excessively which stirs the passengers around me. I can hear them shouting out various interjections, and I can concur with each one because the plane’s unrest is starting to freak me out.

  I hear the captain start to speak and in my fear-laden head, I can barely think as I’m trying to respond to her instructions.

  “This is Captain Klein, we are running into severe turbulence due to the storm over the Eastern Seaboard. Unfortunately, we are not going to make it to Portland International. However, sit tight. We are clear to land at Newark Liberty. Sorry for the inconvenience folks. But it is better to be safe than sorry.”


  Newark…shit. I power up my phone and begin searching for a rental. It’s at least a ten-hour drive and time is not a luxury I have a the moment. If I’m going to get to the wedding before they say ‘I do,’ I need to have a car ready for me when we land.

  As we begin to deplane, I think that seventy-five percent of the passengers, including myself, are white as a sheet. Landing wasn’t a simple task because of how hard the wind was blowing. The plane actually had to go back up and come in on a different approach. I truly had a thought that it wasn’t going to matter about Sam’s wedding because I was going to be dead from this plane crashing into the runway. However, I’m here. Standing at the Enterprise Rental Car service counter thanking God that I’m still breathing and I know for certain that the task I’m undertaking right now is meant to be. Because I didn’t risk a puddle jumper and a near plane crash to let the elements sway me from completing my mission.

  Since all the flights are canceled and many passengers are grounded in Newark…the rental cars are slim pickings as well as expensive because what is left are only the luxury SUVs. I’m hoping for another Jeep Wrangler since I’m comfortable driving it. But I’m stuck with a gigantic Cadillac. I’m not a tiny woman, but I feel a bit intimidated by its enormity.

  I plug my parents address into the GPS after I climb into the land barge, say a quick prayer and begin my journey. It’s not going to be an enjoyable one since the storm has reached dangerous levels and motorists have been warned to stay off the road, especially the major highways. But I can’t wait out the storm. Sam’s wedding is less than twenty-four hours away. So I’m going to venture the highway through the storm.

  “I should have taken the earlier flight,” I say as I pull onto Interstate 95. It’s after 1:00 a.m. and this highway is a virtual ghost town. Rain is coming down in sheets, and the wind is pushing this SUV all over the road. I’m thankful there aren’t many people on the freeway. I don’t want cars or accidents slowing me down. The GPS says I’ll arrive in Camden at 11:22 a.m. But, that is highly doubtful considering the storm and the condition of the roads. I’m just hoping I can get there by 2:00 p.m. That will give me plenty of time to rest and prepare before I look for Sam.

  I am just crossing the border into New Hampshire when the only other car on the road spins out in front of me. My knee-jerk reaction is to slam on my brakes…which I do, not realizing that I too was hydroplaning. Next thing I remember is my vehicle careening off the road into a ditch. It took me ten hours just to get this far, and now I’m stuck in a stupid ditch. It was for all intents and purposes, daytime…but the cloud cover was so thick, it looked more like evening. Which made me sitting it this ditch even more creepy. And to top it off, the other car was nowhere in sight. I imagined they were able to gather it up and went on their merry way. Nice of them. I call AAA who keeps me on hold for over twenty minutes then states that a tow truck would not be available for more than five hours because of other emergencies due to the storm.

  “I’m only three and a half hours away,” I say when I dial 911. I’m hoping a police officer will find me and at least take me to a bus or train station. I’ve called every car rental place in the surrounding area, and everything is either closed or too busy to pick up the phone. But I don’t want to chance it…I’m hoping the buses or trains are still running because I can’t have come this far only to fail. However, when the 911 operator finally picks up the line, he states that because I was a ‘non-emergency,’ I would have to wait at least two hours. I have to do something. There was no way I’m going to sit in this car and waste precious time. I’m literally two miles from the border of Maine. But the nearest bus station is in Dover, New Hampshire which is an exit I passed three miles back.

  “Come on,” I yell as I try to get the car to move forward or backward…anyward!!! But I guess if I could move I wouldn’t need to get on a bus.

  “Fuck!” I climb from the SUV, grab my backpack from the back seat and begin walking down the very dim and desolate highway shielding my face from the force of the rain pelting my skin.

  I continue to call 911 every fifteen minutes or so until the operator yells at me because I’m tying up a line that could be needed for a real emergency. The entire way, I keep hoping and praying a cop would come along.

  Since I’m still pretty new to walking it takes me two hours to walk three miles. But that wasn’t the only reason I had to walk at a snail’s pace. It was pouring, and I don’t mean normal pouring. I mean gale force wind and rain-type pouring. The wind blew so hard that the rain actually stung my face. I didn’t have an umbrella, not that it would have helped even if I did. I was hoping that on this journey of being blown around and almost down a few times, I would see a cop or at least another motorist. But no such luck. I embraced the storm and powered through with one thought in my head. Sam. However, when I finally reach the bus station, I’m soaked to the bone and freezing my ass off.

  There is no sign of this rain letting up. However, the wind speeds did decrease which I’m thankful for since that’s the only reason the buses are able to run. But the only bus to Portland is leaving in less than five minutes which doesn’t give me much time to purchase my ticket and make my way to the terminal so I will have to forgo hitting the vending machines for some food which sucks because I’m starving. I’ll just make do with some sleep and a dry hoodie.

  The rickety tin barge pulls into Portland an hour later than it was supposed to, leaving me stranded because this nor’easter is still raging and because I’m late I miss the only bus going to Camden. And here’s the best part, there is no fucking cell service. I’m less than ninety minutes from home, and I’m stuck…or better yet, fucked.

  The only thing I have left to do is hitchhike. Hopefully, someone will have mercy on the soaked woman on the side of the road begging for a ride. I hoist my backpack up on my shoulders, zip up my damp hoodie and walk toward the exit. I can see the rain teeming down, and I wonder if anyone has died from being rained on excessively.

  When I walk outside, I see others trying to control umbrellas which are flipping inside out, and I’m thankful I didn’t waste the money on one. I knew it would be useless in this weather. What I was looking for was a poncho of some kind, but as luck would have it, they were sold out. But I’m going to soldier on.

  I take a deep breath as I look over at the main interstate. I know it is illegal to walk on the highway, but what choice did I have. It was the fastest route home and right now, time is of the essence. It’s eighty miles from where I’m standing to my mother’s house. And now with it being just about 4:30 p.m., I know I won’t make it if I have to walk the entire way on foot. But I’m not giving up just yet. Someone has to be heading to Camden…maybe if I plead my case to someone, they’ll pity me and give me a ride.

  Just then I hear a beep of a car horn, then another and then another. I’m wondering what the hell is wrong with the person beeping their fucking horn. But then I look over at the car and a huge smile forms on my face.

  “Oh my God,” I say as I make my way over to the blue Volkswagen Bug.

  “Hey there…you need a lift?” Lily yells out from her car.

  I hurry over and whip open the passenger side door, toss my pack in the back and plop myself in the seat.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  “H ow the hell did you know?” I ask while I’m drying my hair with the towel she gave me.

  “I saw your S.O.S on social media.”

  “Oh my God…I didn’t think that went through. The internet service has been awful because of the storm and the cell service nonexistent.” I look over at her bright eyes and big smile. “Thank you though.”

  “Hey…don’t mention it. I’m just glad you’re here.”

  I was too, glad to be going home. It’s almost five right now, and the pace at which she is driving will leave me no time to get changed. I was hoping to glam up so I could have Sam drooling. But now, I’ll have to confront her looking like this. That is if we make it there at all. Th
is journey has been quite unsuccessful thus far.

  “Oh and also, I’m so happy to see you on your feet,” she says, and I start to feel like a real big asshole for leading her on the way I did.

  “Um…I need to apologize to you.”

  She looks over at me with an annoyed expression, “What?”

  “I need to tell you that I’m sorry for…”

  “Laurel, you shouldn’t be sorry for being in love with someone else. I get that. I read your book remember? I knew what was between you and Sam then, and I still saw the shards of your past when she was around.”

  I shook my head in amazement, “I don’t deserve you. You were always so kind and sweet.”

  “Yeah ya do. We all deserve friends. I’ll tell ya that I was really hurt, but I get it. You and her that is.”

  “And what is that?”

  “Love.”

  I nod my head with a smile. Yes, it certainly was love. It was a love I would go through hell for and right now, I think I just might be doing that.

  But now I need to change the subject, so it didn’t feel so awkward, “So, what have you been up to these days?”

  “Er, well…I’ve been seeing someone for a few months now.”

  “Really, that’s great,” I say as I reach over and pat her on the arm.

  “Well…I’m not sure it is.”

  My face twists up in confusion, “Why would you say that?”

  “Um…because, she’s like the fifth chick I’ve dated in the past year.”

  I giggle, I certainly know a thing or two about playing the field, “Nothing’s wrong with that Lily. You’re young. You should enjoy some crazy fun.”

  “I’ve had enough of that, I really want something long-term ya know. I want a girlfriend. I want to build a life with someone.”