by J. A. Howell
Jamie is dead.
A horn blared behind her, jarring her out her trance. The bike lunged forward as Dillan over-accelerated against the wet road. It spun across the intersection, tossing her onto the sidewalk as the bike abruptly slammed against the curb, scraping the pavement. Several onlookers rushed over, hovering around her with horrified expressions.
Dillan, although rattled from the crash, pulled herself up. Her knuckles were fairly scraped up and there was a rip on the side of her jeans. All minimal damage. More embarrassed than hurt, Dillan tried to brush some of the gravel off of her wounds. Blood rushed to her cheeks, her face growing hot as she drew the attention of both drivers and pedestrians. She hastily thanked the few that had actually helped her back to her feet, and pulled her bike back up, ignoring the concerned looks that were sent her way.
Dillan supposed she should just try to forget what she had seen and go to the pub. No sane person would believe it was really Jamie. But those eyes. She knew those eyes. They were Jamie’s. She wasn’t crazy. Emotionally unstable? Yes! But crazy? No. It had to be him. She knew what she had seen, and it had to be him.
She couldn’t sit there debating any longer, there was only one way to find out. With the loud roar of the bike’s engine, Dillan bolted across the intersection once more, zipping narrowly past several cars, dodging her way through traffic. Her eyes searched frantically for the bus, but she had lost sight of it. Zooming past each block, her eyes darted in both directions hoping for a sign of its passing. A few cars honked their disapproval at her as she cut in front of them. Nearing the edge of downtown, her eyes fell on a blue sign with white lettering. The words “Bus Station” and an accompanying arrow pointing right gave her a glimmer of hope.
She hooked a right, her bike leaning dangerously low as she maneuvered the sharp turn. Dillan’s heartbeat hit heavy within her chest as the bus station came into view at the end of the street. All she could think about was seeing Jamie step off that bus, running to him and kissing him. All the pain she had been feeling over the last year would simply melt away. It was too late to think of how insane or how irrational a thought like that really was.
Only about a hundred feet away, she spotted the bus she had seen him riding. It had to be the same one. People were filing out of several other buses all at once. The station was crowded and chaotic as passengers arrived and departed. She stopped her bike next to the bus, looking up, but she did not see his face in the window any longer. Her stomach fluttered as her eyes, still filled with foolish hope, searched over the dozens and dozens of unfamiliar faces mixing into the mass of people.
Nowhere.
He was nowhere.
Dillan willed herself forward into the endless sea of travelers. Still searching, still hoping, as her short-lived fantasy crumbled at the edges. The butterflies in her stomach dissolved into a nauseating pain that stretched up her throat with the bitter taste of bile. She got as far as the ticket counter and still found no familiar face. No Jamie. But by that time, she knew she had been deluding herself.
Dillan had watched him die. She held him in her arms after the light had left his eyes. She stood at the bus station replaying the scene from a year ago in her head. She remembered the undertaker lowering his casket into the ground. At that moment, panic struck her. She had finally lost it. If the bus station had been silent, Dillan was sure someone might have heard the definitive snap that she thought she heard as her heart broke all over again. Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes, blurring her vision as she haphazardly pushed her way through the waiting passengers. She just wanted to get back to her bike and go back home. Her phone buzzed inside her pocket. She already knew it was Kay.
“I’m not coming.” Dillan said, choking back tears.
“Dillan, you promised you wouldn’t do this!” Her friend’s voice was filled with worry.
“I know, but I just can’t do this. Not tonight.” she whispered.
Dillan hung up the phone before Kay could object again. A guilt trip from her friend would only add to the pot of emotion brewing inside her. It took every ounce of Dillan’s self-control to not let it spill over in the middle of the bus station. Climbing onto her bike, she revved the accelerator, wanting nothing more than to get away from the damned bus station. To forget what she had just done, and how stupid she had just been. All that mattered to her now was curling up underneath her soft cotton bed sheets and forgetting that the rest of the world existed. Forget that he existed. She knew the latter was impossible.
As she pulled into her parking space, Dillan's phone began to buzz once again. She pulled it out, glancing down at the screen. Kay had now called at least six more times. With an exasperated sigh, she turned off her phone, roughly pushed the glass doors to her building open, and ran up the stairs to her apartment. They seemed to multiply in front of her as she held onto the railing. Her legs finally reached the last landing and she turned down the hallway toward her door. The closer she got, the harder it became to hold the pain back. Dillan could feel it trickling upward inside her, edging toward the top as she neared her door.
Breathe, just breathe.
As soon as her feet passed the doorway, the mask of composure she had been hiding behind shattered. She stared at the spot where he had once been. The spot where he had died. Sobs spilled out from deep within her chest as everything she had been feeling tonight finally broke through her former semblance of composure. Dillan cried out in frustration, flinging her cell phone across the room. She pressed her back against the door as her body slumped down to the hardwood, her shoulders heavy with defeat. They shook as the waves of tortured sobs escaped her. After several minutes, Dillan looked back up through tear-filled eyes. All she could see was herself, pleading with his limp form, begging him to return. Screaming for him to return, while the feel of his blood soaked into her dress as she held his lifeless body. Her neighbors had heard the shots too. They were the ones that had called the police. Ten minutes later, the police and ambulance had arrived, confirming then what Dillan had already known. Jamie was gone, pronounced dead at the scene.
It had taken three officers to pry her away from him. She cringed, remembering the foreign shrieks that had left her body as they dragged her out of the apartment. Dillan still couldn’t recall anything from the three days following his death, except Kay coming to pick her up from the hospital. She remembered Kay bursting into tears as soon as she had hugged Dillan. Dillan had just stood there, catatonic, fully detached from the world. So now a year later...did she feel any different? Any better? Any less fucked up?
No.
Dillan shakily pulled herself up off the floor, her chest still heaving, even though her sobs had quieted. She made her way to the kitchen, her hands trembling as she turned on the faucet. She gingerly stuck her hands under the warm water, bracing herself for the oncoming pain.
Dillan yelped as the water assaulted her raw flesh. She kicked the bottom cabinet, burying her face in her arms until the pain lessened. More tears escaped as she winced, attempting to wash out the pieces of gravel that were still lodged in the scrapes on her knuckles. She wrapped a dishcloth around her hand, then grabbed a beer from the fridge before heading to the bathroom to bandage her wound. As she returned the first-aid kit to its place in the medicine cabinet, she saw an extra bottle of her Xanax prescription sitting there. Without hesitation, she dumped a few more tablets into her palm.
“Happy Anniversary Jamie.”
Her tone was cynical as she tossed the pills back with a large gulp of beer. Dillan would not be going to Finley’s tonight and she would not be answering any more phone calls. Staring at her sad reflection in the mirror, she took another swig, waiting for the numbness to wash over her body. Waiting for the world to fade away. As the memories from the year before swarmed around her, she wanted to feel nothing at all.
CHAPTER TWO
Dillan had no idea what time it was. She stared listlessly up at the high ceiling, her eyes following the exposed air ducts.
After sufficiently ensuring that she had shaken every last drop from the aluminum can in her hand, she let it tumble onto the floor next to the several others that already lay at her feet.
Her body felt warm, all sensations and emotions pleasantly dulled. She grabbed another beer off of the coffee table, flipped the tab, and took a large swig. The stereo played some nondescript music in the background as she tilted her head back, breathing in deeply. She lay inert, enjoying the lack of emotion and lack of care that the mix of alcohol and prescription drugs provided her.
Dillan knew this was only a temporary state of existence. The emotions would come rushing back when she woke up in the morning, but she couldn't afford to think of that right now. She already felt a lingering tinge of guilt for blowing off her friend. Kay had stopped by the apartment earlier, begging to be let inside, but all Dillan had done was yell for her to go away. Eventually, Dillan just turned up the music to drown out her friend’s pleas. After a few minutes, the sounds at her door subsided. She would have to remind herself to apologize to Kay later.
Lounging on her couch, drinking herself into oblivion, she knew there was no way to completely block out the thoughts of Jamie. Several pictures of the happy couple they once were stared back at her from around the apartment, but she felt oddly separated from them. Those people were now strangers to her. Their happy expressions betrayed her; she couldn’t remember the last time she had smiled like that. Not in the past year anyway. Dillan reached her hand out, picking up a small pewter frame. It contained a picture from a few years back, a snapshot taken while they were out sledding. It was a candid shot of an impromptu kiss between them, conjuring up memories of snow and laughter. She ran her fingers over the image thoughtfully, only to slam the frame face down while she gulped hard on another swig of beer.
Leaning back against the cool leather of the sofa, she breathed in and closed her eyes, willing herself to fall back into the abyss. Her muscles relaxed as her thoughts drifted away from Kay, Jamie, or anything else. Her breathing slowed as the lazy tempo of the music lulled her to sleep.
A sharp knock at the door jolted her back into reality. Her eyes shot open, alarmed from the unexpected sound. She glanced above the entertainment center to the clock that blinked back 4 AM.
Is it Kay again? Why would she come back so late? Another knock broke through the otherwise calm atmosphere of her apartment. Kay or not, Dillan figured she should at least see who was calling on her at this hour. She chugged the last bit of beer, then tossed yet another empty can to the trash heap on the floor before pulling herself up to her feet.
The full extent of her binge drinking kicked in all at once as her legs threatened to give way with a tremble. Holding onto the couch for support, Dillan managed to lurch forward just as her visitor rapped on the door yet again. Another step and her knee slammed into one of the side tables, sending the lamp tumbling off with a crash. She cringed at the sound and continued toward the door, eventually standing on her toes to peer through the peephole.
The hallway outside her apartment was dimly lit, and the visitor was clearly standing out of view. Against her better judgment, she answered, unlocking the deadbolt and pulling the door open the few inches that the chain lock allowed.
“Kay?” Dillan peered out into the dark hallway, her vision slightly blurred as she attempted to make out a lean male figure that stood with his back to the door. As the man heard her voice, he turned around. A sense of dread settled in her stomach as she made out the masculine jaw line covered in day old stubble that disappeared beneath the hood of a worn jacket.
Great, just what I need, some stupid thug attempting to rob me, Dillan thought, her heartbeat quickening. “Look, I think you need to go...” Her voice slurred, her hand gripping the door.
“Dillan?” He stepped forward, pushing his hood back and reaching his hand out in protest before she could slam the door. A chill ran through Dillan’s veins as an icy blue gaze met her own, the very same one that had thrown her evening into chaos. She froze, breath unable to pass her lips at the sight of him. He stared back at her, furrowing his eyebrows, a look of confusion spreading across his face. She attempted to speak, unable to make a sound as her eyes studied the face she hadn’t seen in the last year. Her stomach churned and cramped as sweat beaded along her hairline. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the door frame for support, her legs weakening beneath her.
“J-Jamie?” was all Dillan could stammer out before her legs turned to gelatin, her body tumbling forward as nausea overtook her. The after-effects of the evening wrought their full assault on her as she retched and gasped. He cringed as he watched her with deep concern in his eyes.
“Are you okay?” He asked. She couldn’t answer as her body involuntarily rid itself of the night’s indulgences. Everything seemed to be spinning out of control as her grip on the door-frame weakened. She glanced back up at him, a distressed expression marring her otherwise delicate features before her eyes rolled back in her head and her body slumped to the floor.
***
Cursing under his breath, Trey scrambled to undo the chain lock, so that he could reach his brother’s girlfriend as she lay unconscious in a pool of her own vomit. He glanced around the apartment calling out his brother’s name, and getting no answer in reply.
Maybe he’s out.
Trey already felt uncomfortable about showing up at the apartment without warning, but he had run out of options. The phone number that he had gotten out of the phone book downtown had been busy for hours now. Hesitantly, he slid his arms under Dillan and carefully lifted her off of the floor, carrying her into the living room. He glanced down at the beer cans littering the floor, kicking them aside before easing her onto the couch. Her breathing was soft and steady and she seemed to be sleeping after what appeared to be a rough night of drinking. Grabbing the blanket off of the back of the sofa, he gently laid it over her. He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a dishtowel, dampening it under the faucet then returning to Dillan, gently wiping off her face.
With a sigh he stood back up, cleaned the floor, then threw the towel into the covered trashcan. Unsure of when his brother planned to return, he pulled out a chair, sitting at the kitchen table. He hoped Jamie would get back soon. It had been ten years since he had last seen his brother, and those years had been torture. He turned his attention back towards Dillan, who was sleeping soundly on the couch. Jamie hadn't done her justice when he had described her in his letters.
Even after a long night of drinking, she was still beautiful. Her auburn hair framed her oval face as her chest gently rose and fell with each breath. She had creamy pale skin, slightly flushed cheeks, and full pouty lips. He was glad to see his brother had found someone to make him happy. After everything he put his brother through, Jamie deserved to find someone like her.
His eyes surveyed several picture frames that adorned their living room; every single one showed his brother with a beaming smile and Dillan looking equally content. It was certainly something Trey knew nothing about. If anything he had gotten used to being alone. It was just easier that way.
Dillan shifted and turned onto her side as she slept, drawing Trey's attention. He hoped that Jamie would return before she woke up. She had already mistaken him for his brother once, and that felt weird enough. Trey sat, waiting for his brother to get home, but as the hours crept by, there was still no sign of Jamie’s arrival. He only felt slightly concerned at this. It had been so long since the last time he had heard from him, maybe he had come at a bad time. Maybe Jamie was out of town for some reason.
Trey rationalized the situation with himself as he sat alone, barely awake from the long trip he had just endured. His eyelids threatened to close, creeping down over his eyes as he started to nod off. He shook himself, attempting to stay awake. He was anxious to see his brother. It had been such a long time. He needed to see him. But by the time the sun peered through the blinds in the living room, Trey could barely keep his eyes open as his breathing slowed
. He fought in vain as exhaustion took over. His whole body ached for rest, but something didn’t feel right.
It was now 8AM. He had been sitting at the table for four hours. He debated leaving and coming back later in the day, but he didn’t want to risk waking Dillan. He glanced back over at her body stretched out on the couch. She was dreaming; every now and then moving around, twisting herself up in the blanket he had laid over her. He envied her. A yawn escaped his lips as another wave of exhaustion hit him. He could no longer fight it. His eyelids slowly closed and his head gently eased down to the kitchen table, using his hands as a makeshift cushion.
CHAPTER THREE
Dillan awoke feeling disjointed as the contents of her head pounded within her skull. She hadn’t remembered falling asleep on the couch. As she sat up, her mind still in a fog, she mentally retraced the previous nights’ events. She remembered taking her medicine, drinking until she felt nothing, telling her friend to leave. Maybe she had just passed out on the couch and didn’t remember it. She kept her eyes squeezed shut as she rubbed her temples, her head throbbing from the abuse she had put herself through the night before. The scabbed over scrapes on her hand were still tender from falling of her bike last night. Her eyes shot open as she remembered the crash… and remembered someone else had come to her door.
Jamie! It couldn’t have been, I must have been too wasted to remember clearly, she tried to convince herself as she untangled her legs from her blanket and pushed herself off the couch. Her feet knocked into the empty cans on the floor, causing a clatter as she got her footing. One of the kitchen chairs scraped against the wooden floor, causing Dillan to freeze in her tracks She sharply turned her head toward the kitchen table.
Once again those blue eyes were staring back at hers. Seeing her standing there like a deer in the headlights, he too seemed unable to move, just awakened from the noises she had made and looking equally as confused as she was.
