by J. A. Howell
“I'm so sorry mom!” The sobs burst forward as he stretched an arm toward her. She was only inches from his of grasp as she slumped over lifelessly, her only movements now from the onslaught of bullets that continued to tear through her. Andrew grabbed his arm, pulling it back as a bullet whizzed by it, grazing the top of Alex's hand. Then a few seconds later it all stopped... the sounds of tires screeching as their attackers drove away replacing the hail of bullets that had claimed their mother.
Numbness was the only feeling Alex was could muster while they sat in Luciano’s empty office several hours later as he glanced up at Andrew. Andrew’s eyes stared off somewhere unknown, a hollow expression covering the shock that had set in. Alex wanted to say something to him... but what could he say? What could he say to make anything better right now?
He was the reason they watched their mother die, the reason they had to start over somewhere else, and the reason they would now be alone in the world. Maybe that was for the better though. Andrew would be better off without him there to cause more problems.
“I don't want this to be it Alex... I probably should be angry with you; I should probably hate you right now.” Andrew’s eyes shifted up to Alex’s, “And a large part of me wants to do just that. But I don't want to lose the only family that I have left.” Alex could feel a tinge of pain in his chest as the depth of his brother's words sunk in.
It had only been their mother and them, ever since their father passed away. And now with the identity changes, their family would officially be no more.
“I’m sorry Andrew… I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry…” Alex’s chest ached as the reality of them separating set in. Andrew didn’t say anything further, his expression returning to the same vacant look earlier as he stared at the wall.
They had watched as the agents bickered back and forth for what seemed like hours, on whether or not the twins should remain together or whether it would be best for both to split up. Agent Luciano had been fighting to keep them together, saying that it wouldn't pose a risk to their safety. Agent Decker had disagreed, pointing out that two identical twins would be a lot more noticeable. Trey couldn't disagree, but it wasn't as if they were the only identical twins on the planet. He could see now that Luciano seemed to be a bit more compassionate than Decker when dealing with people. He knew that they would be tossed into wherever they were placed, alone without any sort of support system. All of this, right after having their mother violently torn from their lives. Perhaps even with the security risk, he thought keeping them together would be better in the end.
Agent Decker, however, only thought about survival. Maybe it had been drilled into his head in the military that this was all that mattered. He only seemed to think about the opponent's weakness and how to get to it, and what their best defense was. Judging by the absence of a ring on his finger, and his mature face that showed wear from years of hard work, he didn't seem to be a family man. Definitely a military man, a strategic thinker, who thought things like emotions and compassion only served to cut you off at the knees when it mattered most.
In the end though, Agent Decker won the argument and Agent Luciano glanced at the boys with an apologetic look on his face. So, in just a couple hours time they would be leaving each other behind indefinitely. The loss weighed just as heavily as losing their mother.
They waited for their fates to be arranged for them, their new identities mapped out, their new lives created with the absence of each other. No words could make this sound any better; they were about to lose each other, and that was a fact.
They sat there in silence, every once in a while glancing up at each other with a half-hearted smile as if they were glancing in a mirror.
A mirror would be the closest thing to seeing each other from now on. Maybe they should have spent their last few hours together reminiscing about the good times, giving teary goodbyes and telling each other to keep their chin up. But none of that happened.
It wouldn't be until months later that Alex realized they had been given some mercy on Agent Decker's part, although he would be sure that Agent Luciano played a large part in it. His mercy came in the form of a letter.
So I guess it wasn't “goodbye” after all.
-“Jamie”-
Alex instantly recognized his brother’s handwriting, the only thing on the envelope had been his new identity, Trey, the P.O. Box that they had given him and a return address in Rhode Island. He folded up the letter, and stuffed it back into the envelope as he walked out of the post office smiling to himself. It was as if the little rain cloud over his head had dispersed and the pressure in the atmosphere lessened, if only a little. If he ever got the chance one day, he would make sure to thank Agent Luciano.
***
Trey looked through the numerous letters Jamie had sent him with a thoughtful smile. He supposed that in a way , Dillan wasn't his only link to his brother. Jamie was still alive in each letter that he had written. Some of the letters talked about the otherwise mundane details of Jamie’s life in his new place. Some of them were more exciting, like when Jamie landed his promotion, bought his apartment, or when he planned to propose to Dillan.
Trey learned so much about his own brother, because he had no choice but to listen. Jamie’s voice bled through the words on the worn sheets of paper, even now as Trey’s eyes glanced over them.
Trey had always admired his brother, but in the years they were apart, he had come to respect him so much more. Jamie was always the stronger of them and Trey knew it. In a time where he should have felt devastated and broken, he kept going. Jamie forged on and lived his life. He forgave Trey when he would have been justified in tossing him aside and forgetting his existence. Trey, on the other hand, spent the bulk of his time in self-loathing, unable to see past what he had caused, unable to shake the look in his mother's eyes as she left this world. Trey had all but boarded himself up in his place, rarely venturing out with the exception of work and the post office, only looking forward to hearing from Jamie.
Suddenly, it occurred to him that maybe there was one last thing that he could do for Dillan. He knew the chances of him surviving his trip to California were slim to none, so there was no longer a reason to hold onto his brother’s letters. He got to work, sorting through the pile of letters after he had dumped them all onto the table. He read through them one by one, attempting to put them in the same order that he had first received them.
“I met a girl at this concert. She punched me in the face. Her name is Dillan...”
“Dillan is amazing, I wish you could meet her. I've never met anyone like her.”
“Things have been getting serious; I think I am going to move in with her. Besides she makes my laundry smell good, and feel really soft... I still haven't figured out how she does that.”
Trey found himself smiling a little more as he read over letter after letter. He was starting to feel a small bit of happiness. Maybe it was that he was not thinking about himself, and that he was doing this for her. Maybe he even believed that Jamie wasn't completely gone anymore, that he was right here in these letters.
He knew Dillan would have some peace in her life as soon as she read Jamie's words. She would know that he never completely left. Maybe when Jamie was alive, he did express his love for her, but Trey could give her the pieces and fragments Jamie may not have always been able to say to her.
Finally, Trey would get something right.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Dillan sat on the wide window sill in her bedroom, with a blanket draped over her legs as she watched the cars drive down the street below. She wondered where Trey had gone after she had kicked him out. She was still furious with him, and unsure if she ever wanted to see him again. But somehow Dillan couldn’t help worrying about him, and wondering if he was okay.
Her mind was in conflict with itself over the whole situation. Part of her wondered, if given different circumstances, cou
ld there have been something more between the two of them? Dillan shook her head. How can I even think like that? Last night was a mistake. She had been weak and stupid. She hadn’t been in the right state of mind. How can I even trust my own mind after the past year? And why am I so worried about him, after all he’s done?
She closed her eyes once again. Memories from the night before involuntarily replayed in her head, causing her to let out a shiver. Dillan couldn't deny that there had been some feelings between her and Trey. Feelings that could have developed into something more. But if he had been honest with her from the beginning, would she have even been able to look at him? Even now the thought made her sick.
She had slept with the man who had cost Jamie his life. She didn't know what to think anymore. Her stomach only churned in disgust at the mere thought of contemplating any future with Trey. She wanted nothing more than to forget the time she had gotten to know him, and to forget that he even existed. She even wanted to put Jamie's face out of her mind for now.
Dillan’s eyes glanced over at a picture of Jamie that sat in a dusty black frame on her nightstand, then swiped it into the drawer with a thunk. It was too hard to cope with the fact that even Jamie had lied to her, even if it was for his safety, as well as her own. Dillan found herself now doubting Jamie, wondering if she had ever really known him. She had known that his mother had died, but not that she was murdered. He had told her she died of cancer. She had always thought he was an only child, but then came Trey. Whether he lied to protect her, it was unsettling, and it opened up even more questions in Dillan's mind.
Would it have been better to never find out why he died? To leave Jamie frozen in time, as the innocent loving man she had come to know in their life together? Or was it better to know that he had died over something she never knew had been a part of his life? Someone that he was mistaken for. Someone she had never known about because Jamie had never told her.
In the past year, she had spent so much time and energy trying to figure out why someone would want him dead, wishing she had a clue as to why it had happened. Now she knew more than she wanted to, and she just wanted to give it all back. Jamie felt somehow tarnished against everything she now knew. In time, she could forgive Jamie, because she understood that he had reasons for keeping all of this locked away from her. But when Trey came into the picture, he had no reasons for lying to her... right?
Dillan knew she was starting to get lost in thought, mixed up in her own head once again. She shook her head as if the movement could clear all the confusion away like shaking an Etch-A-Sketch. The thoughts were still there. She needed to distract herself with something else. She unraveled herself from the blanket before getting up and walking toward the kitchen, intent on making a pot of tea to soothe her nerves. She picked up her little red kettle from the stove and held it under the faucet. As the water poured into the kettle she stared out of her kitchen window, into the distant sky that was slowly darkening behind the unimpressive silhouette of old buildings that made up her city. Funny, she used to find it much more appealing. It used to look like it had character and intrigue, but now it just looked old and worn out.
After turning on the stove and returning the kettle to the burner, she walked back across the apartment to her couch, and turned on the TV as she grabbed the remote from the coffee table. Her fingers channel-surfed as she watched the images change with disinterest. She wasn’t really in the mood for television, but needed to think of something else. Anything else. She stopped on some animal documentary, attempting to absorb herself in footage of dangerous snakes. Just as she found her mind clearing out any thoughts of Trey or Jamie, someone knocked at the door.
It had to be Trey. Dillan bit her lip, slowly pulling herself up off of the couch and hesitantly walking toward the door. Her footsteps felt heavy as she inched toward the door. Her fingers gripped the doorknob tightly then hesitated. Slowly, she let her muscles relax, only placing her hand on the door now, leaning toward the crack.
“Trey, please go. I can't see you right now. This is too confusing and I just can't do this right now...” Her eyes brimmed with tears just knowing that he was on the other side. There was no response as she stood there, her hand still resting on the door.
Then knocking came again, louder, and more forceful. Dillan's sadness was immediately replaced with fear. Whoever was on the other side of that door was most definitely NOT Trey. Her eyes grew wide as she jumped back from the door.
The knocking stopped for a moment, but her body remained tense. Whoever it was, maybe they had left. Her feet quietly crept backwards toward the living room. The sound returned but it wasn't knocking this time. The loud snap of splitting wood replaced it as a large elbow peeked through her front door. Dillan's eyes widened as she stumbled back unsteadily, her heartbeat doubling in pace. Another loud thunk. A little more of a large muscular arm came through the door. Fear paralyzed her as the door started to separate from its hinges. She wished Jamie, Trey, or someone was there with her in that moment. But she was all alone.
Her memories flickered back to Jamie as he had fallen and she had rushed to him from the hallway. The look in his eyes as his life drained from him. The back of a stranger leaving the apartment. It was him. And Dillan was not about to go down without a fight. She scrambled to her feet as half of the door came loose from the frame. She didn’t bother to look back. Dillan's whole body shook, adrenaline coursing through her, as she rounded the corner into her bedroom. She threw herself to the floor, reaching her hand under the bed and fumbling for her gun safe. She had not even looked at it since she first bought it aside from a couple practice sessions. Her fingertips brushed the top of the safe and she heard the little beep as it unlocked and popped open.
Pulling the case toward her, she could hear footsteps now. He had finally gotten in. She had no time to waste. Dillan only had time to put a couple of bullets into the magazine before loading it into the gun. His footsteps were now in the hallway.
As soon his leathery face appeared at her door, she raised her arms and fired the gun.
Two shots rang out and she heard him snarl in pain. A second later, she opened her eyes. She had not even realized she had squeezed them shut. A gasp was all she could manage before he lunged at her. His large fist connected with her temple as he slammed her face into the nightstand and she blacked out.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Trey smiled to himself as he folded up the letter he had written, and wrapped the bundle of letters together with a couple of rubber bands. Although he was happy he had found something to give back to Dillan, he found himself feeling more anxious as he headed back towards her apartment. Trey only had a few blocks in which to figure out what to say to her when he would see her. Maybe he shouldn't say anything... just knock and leave the stack in the hall in front of her door. It would make it easier to leave if he didn’t see her.
Ten minutes later, he was walking toward her building, trekking across the parking garage behind it. He saw her motorcycle in its usual spot. Good, she's home, Trey thought as he pushed open the door to her building. He quickly made the ascent up the flights of stairs to her floor.
In the several years after he and Jamie were separated, he had learned to be alone, and even preferred the solitude. But there was something about Dillan that made him wish he could stay. If only he had that luxury. He only had two more hours left until his flight departed for California.
By the time Trey had climbed the last step up to the landing, his mind was so wrapped up in thoughts of Dillan that he didn't immediately notice that something was off, something was very wrong. The door to Dillan’s apartment was barely attached to its frame. Trey stopped in his tracks as the remains of the door seemed to snarl at him in a grimace of jagged, splintered wood. It only foreshadowed something much worse behind its cruel grin. He could feel his heart sink in his chest as his pulse thumped loudly in his ears.
He didn't know if he could handle seeing what was beyond that doorway, if he could
bear finding Dillan inside. He forced his legs to move forward toward the doorway, peering into the apartment in case anyone was waiting for him on the other side. His mind was frantic as it tried to piece together what might have happened, who might have done this. There could really only be one answer to that, but why would they come here? And why would they go after her? She hadn't even been in the same room when Jamie was shot, how would they have known about her?
The man at the pub.
He wasn’t just watching me.
He had seen Dillan too.
Trey didn’t want to believe it, but the pieces fit together all too well. As he peered into Dillan’s apartment, there was a shrill whistling coming from the kitchen. Her tea kettle was sitting on the hot stove unattended as it shook and whistled from the boiling water inside it. Trey grabbed a broken shard of wood before stepping through the doorway. He didn’t bother with the tea kettle, more concerned with why Dillan was not there to do so. His fist gripped his makeshift weapon tightly as he made his way through her living room and into the hallway. He strained to hear anything, anyone… but only found silence.
Dillan, please tell me they didn’t get to you… he tried to contain the nightmares that were starting to spill over as he slowly stepped down the hallway. He could feel his heart thumping wildly within his chest as each step brought him closer to her bedroom door.
Am I going to find you in there? Are you even alive still?
It took everything in him to open the door…but nothing lay behind it. The room was perfectly still, perfectly calm. Nothing seemed undisturbed or unusual at first glance. He took a couple more steps, still looking around the room for any sign of her until his foot hit something metal, sending it sliding across the wooden floor.
