Before you complain to me about this, let me inform you – THIS IS SCIENCE!
“AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR GGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!”
cried Mr Wrath as he plunged through the sky.
Fortunately for the headmaster, he crash-landed into the sea.
SPLOSH!
There was the sound of sizzling...
SIZZLE!
…as the water put out the blazing fire on Mr Wrath’s bottom cheeks.
Then the headmaster cried, “HELP! I can’t swim!”
“Let’s not be too hasty,” remarked Mr Lust. “Tea and biscuits, anyone?”
Ned nodded to Slime. They couldn’t let the man drown.
The sloctopus reached out one of its arms. It grew longer and longer and longer still until it reached all the way into the sea.
Then the sloctopus plucked up the headmaster, who was bobbing in the waves, and deposited him back in the playground.
SPLAT!
All the teachers had to stifle their giggles at the sight of the headmaster looking most undignified.
“HA! HA! HA!”
Wrath was soaking wet, and the seat of his trousers had burned right through. Everyone could see his bright red bottom still blazing from his descent. It was so red it looked like a baboon’s bottom.
All the schoolchildren still had their faces pressed up against the classroom windows. Now they were laughing at their headmaster too.
“HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!”
No one laughed harder than Old Man Giles, the ninety-two-year-old pupil whose punishment was being put down a year every year. He had been at Mulch School the longest. Eighty-seven years, to be precise.
“HA! HA! HA!” Old Man Giles chortled so hard that his false teeth shot out and hit the window.
CLUNK!
This only made him laugh more.
“HA! HA! HA!”
If Wrath were an egg, he would now be scrambled.
“Goodbye, sir!” chirped Ned sarcastically.
The sloctopus transformed into a hot-air balloon (a “slaloon”*) and it whisked the boy up from the bench and into the sky.
“MY RULER!” bellowed Wrath.
On cue, the slaloon dropped the ruler, and it landed on the headmaster’s head with a CLUNK!
“HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!” laughed all the children.
“Do come back again soon and finish him off, please!” called out Mr Lust.
* Only a quality dictionary like The Walliamsictionary would have this word.
* Pukesome. Pukeulous. All words you will find in your Walliamsictionary, available from all bad bookshops.
* Look it up in your Walliamsictionary if you don’t believe me.
As Ned floated across the sky in his hot-air balloon made of slime, he looked down on the little island he called home.
Not far from the school was Mulch’s toyshop, ENVY’S EMPORIUM.
“THERE!” he shouted to Slime.
“DOWN WE GO!” replied his friend.
The toyshop belonged to twin brothers, Edmund and Edmond Envy. The duo dressed identically in matching waistcoats and bow ties. Their hair was too young for their craggy old faces. It was permed tightly and dyed so black it was blue.
However, what Edmund and Edmond were most well known for was their nastiness.
The pair HATED children. Some thought they only ran a toyshop so they could hate children more. As for the children of Mulch, it was the only toyshop on the island, so they had no choice. If they wanted a toy, they had to go to ENVY’S EMPORIUM.
Why did Edmund and Edmond hate children so much?
Because they envied them.
The twins were bitter that they were old and ruined. Years and years of sniping and snarking and snumping* at each other had chilled their hearts. They hated each other nearly as much as they hated children.
ENVY’S EMPORIUM was no ordinary toyshop. In amongst the cars, dolls and games you would expect to find in any toyshop, the twins had added some of their own special surprises…
An Envy’s Emporium Snakes and Ladders set where there are no ladders, just snakes on every single square!
SLIDE!
A toy telephone that never, ever stops ringing so it drives you BANANAS!
RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING! RING!
A rocking horse inside which the twins had placed a hidden motor. It rocks so fast it hurls its rider off.
THUD!
WHOOSH!
A baby doll that not only cries real tears, but also does number ones AND number twos! POOH!
Their own version of the game Operation. There is no electric buzz but an electric shock when you touch the sides. The electric shock is so powerful it will throw you across a room and leave you in dire need of an operation yourself.
A 999,999-piece jigsaw. It says “Million-piece jigsaw” on the box, but the terrible twins have removed one piece. You would finally get to the end after a decade, and still not be able to complete it!
A trike where they have taken the seat off and replaced it with a fork. So every time you sit down to pedal you get an OUCHTASTIC* pain in your bottom.
PRONG!
These were the perfect toys to bring terror to children.
Now Ned was determined
to turn the tables
on them.
* This word has had The Walliamsictionary seal of approval. Need you ask for more?
* A real word you will find with absolute ease in the world’s most trusted reference book, which needs no introduction. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you The Walliamsictionary. My gift to the world.
Some time ago, Ned had fallen in love with a very special toy in ENVY’S EMPORIUM. A toy his mum and dad could never afford to buy him. Ned’s parents were humble people, and they worked from dawn until dusk just to put food on the table.
The toy was a clockwork robot. Metal and boxy with lights and whirring noises, just as a clockwork robot should be. The boy had seen it on display in the window of the twins’ shop, and he would stop by on his way home from school each night to gaze at it.
It was perfect.
Ned knew this clockwork robot would be much more than just a toy – it would be a friend. The boy and his robot would have adventures together. They would fly spaceships, battle alien armies, visit distant planets and still be home in time for tea.
As Ned would daydream, Edmund and Edmond would spy him staring through their window and charge out of the shop.
“BE GONE, CHILD!” Edmund would shout.
“WRETCHED BOY!” Edmond would agree.
“I was only looking!” Ned would protest.
“STOP WEARING OUR PRECIOUS TOYS OUT WITH YOUR EYES!”
“If you aren’t going to purchase said toy, then SHOO!”
“NEVER DARKEN OUR DOOR AGAIN!”
Then the horrid pair would retreat into their shop and slam the door.
BANG!
A sign on the door read
Years, months and weeks passed. Eventually Ned had saved up enough of his pocket money to buy the robot for himself, so one Saturday morning he wheeled himself inside the shop.
TRING! went the bell on the door.
Strangely, the shop was completely empty.
“Hello?” he called out. “Hello?” But there was no answer.
With trepidation, Ned picked up the clockwork robot from the window, and took it over to the till. Still the boy couldn’t see anyone. Then…
“BOO!”
The twins leaped up from behind the counter. Edmond had some joke-shop fangs in his mouth and was pulling a vampire face. Meanwhile Edmund had sharp claws on his fingers and was pulling a werewolf face.
The pair loved frightening children.
A startled Ned rolled back in hi
s wheelchair.
TRUNDLE!
“Why did you do that?” he spluttered.
“Happy Halloween!” the twins chimed in together.
Ned thought for a moment. “It’s not Halloween for another six months.”
“It’s Halloween every day in ENVY’S EMPORIUM,” said Edmond.
“We don’t need a special day to scare children,” agreed Edmund.
The twins looked down at the clockwork robot the boy was holding in his hands.
“So you’ve finally saved up all your precious little pennies, have you?” remarked Edmond, with a look of pity on his face.
“Yes!” replied the boy. He took out his piggy bank from next to him on his battered old wheelchair.
The piggy bank was indeed full of pennies. Ned received just a penny a week of pocket money – it was all his parents could afford. But the boy had saved and saved and saved and then saved some more. The night before, Ned had counted all the pennies and realised, to his delight, he had just enough to buy the robot.
The twins snatched the piggy bank and shook out the coins on to the counter.
TING! TING! TING!
The evil old pair bristled as they realised they would have to count every single one. There must have been hundreds and hundreds of coins.
Then Ned noticed Edmund whispering in Edmond’s ear, before the pair shared a secret smile.
“I will go and fetch a bag,” purred Edmond.
“You do that, Edmund,” replied Edmund.
“No, you’re Edmund.”
“Am I?” asked Edmund.
“Yes. I am Edmond.”
“Are you sure?”
“Quite sure.”
“I thought it was the other way round.”
“No. Definitely not.”
“Oh,” said Edmund. The twin was most befuddled. “Well, you do that, Edmond.”
“Thank you, Edmond,” replied Edmond, before realising his mistake. “DOH! You’ve got me doing it now!”
The boy looked on in disbelief. The Envy twins were CRACKERS!
Edmond tiptoed off as Edmund began counting the coins on the counter.
“One p, two p, three p…”
Ned looked down at the clockwork robot he was cradling in his hands. At last this fantastic toy, which he’d coveted for so many years, was going to be his.
“Four p, five p, six p…”
There was a deafening explosion right next to the boy’s ear. HORROR UPON HORROR, Ned dropped the clockwork robot to the floor.
CLANK!
It smashed into pieces.
CLATTER!
In tears, Ned leaned over in his wheelchair to collect them all up. But it was no use – the robot was destroyed.
Still Edmund counted. “Seven p, eight p, nine p…”
Hunched over, the boy could feel someone looming behind him and turned round. It was Edmond. The twin was holding what was left of a brown paper bag that he had burst.
“Oops!” remarked Edmond.
“Oops indeed,” agreed Edmund.
“The nasty little runt has broken OUR toy.”
“All children are VILE.”
“Especially this little VANDAL!”
“All breakages must be paid for in FULL!”
“BUT… BUT… BUT…” pleaded Ned. “It wasn’t my fault!”
“Oh YES, it was!”
“You gave me a fright!”
“What FRIGHT?” asked Edmond mock-innocently.
“I didn’t hear anything,” lied Edmund.
“I am going!” announced Ned.
The boy made a grab for the pennies all spread out on the counter, but Edmund whisked them away just in time.
TINK! TONK! TUNK!
“They’re mine!” pleaded the boy.
“You didn’t listen!” snarled Edmond.
“All breakages must be paid for in FULL!” repeated Edmund.
“BUT—”
“No buts, boy, now BEGONE!”
With a heavy heart, the boy turned his wheelchair and rolled himself out of ENVY’S EMPORIUM.
Just as Ned reached the door, he turned back to see the evil pair collapse in hoots of laughter.
“HA! HA! HA!”
“WE GOT HIM!”
“WE GOT HIM GOOD AND PROPER!”
When all this happened, Ned had felt helpless to do anything. Today he had the power to
right this wrong, and so many others.
The hot-air balloon made of slime landed on the dew-dusted roof of ENVY’S EMPORIUM.
SPLAT!
TRING!
The bell chirped as the door to the toyshop opened. Sitting on the roof, Ned could see the top of a little girl’s head rushing out. The frizzy-haired child was in floods of tears, clutching a headless dolly.
“BOO! HOO! HOO!” she cried.
A slate came loose on the roof and fell to the ground.
CRUNCH!
The frizzy-haired girl looked up.
“Ned?”
“Shush!” shushed Ned.
The girl wiped her eyes and nodded before running off home. As she disappeared from view, the Envy twins stepped out of their shop.
“HA! HA! HA!” they laughed.
“Another satisfied customer, Edmund,” chirped one.
“No, we’ve been through this a million times!” snapped the other. “You are Edmund!”
“Am I?”
“Yes!”
“Well, who’s Edmond, then?”
“Me!”
“Are you sure?”
“Get inside, Edmund!”
“Who’s that?”
“YOU!”
With that, the pair scrambled back into their shop. They both tried to go through the door at the same time and became stuck for a moment.
TRING!
Still hiding up on the roof, the boy whispered to his friend, “When you hear me shout ‘SLIME’, I want you to come down the chimney.”
“Slime?” asked Slime, who had gone back to being a blob.
“Yes, Slime.”
“So now?”
“No! When I say ‘slime’.”
“You just said it again.”
“I mean when I say it next.”
“What?”
“ ‘Slime’!”
“NOW?”
“NO! And keep your voice down – they might hear us!” hissed Ned. “Listen out for the magic word.”
“There’s a magic word as well?” Slime was becoming mightily confused.
“No! No! No! ‘Slime’ is the magic word.”
“You said it!”
“Next time I say it.”
“Next time you say ‘it’?”
“You are really getting annoying, Slime! Now let me down!”
Slime turned itself into a pole, which the boy slid down to the ground. Then part of the pole separated off to form a huge motorbike for Ned.
A motorbike made of slime.
A “slime-o-bike”.*
TRING!
With a smug smile, Ned sped into ENVY’S EMPORIUM.
BRUM!
Once again, the shop appeared to be empty.
“Hello?” called out the boy. “Hello?”
There was silence, before…
“BOO!”
Edmund and Edmond leaped up from behind their counter. Edmund had a joke arrow through his head, and Edmond a joke axe.
“Oh! What an incredible shock!” said the boy sarcastically. Ned felt rather cool sitting astride his beast of a bike.
The evil pair looked most displeased.
“We didn’t expect to see you back,” remarked Edmund.
“Well, boys, here I am!” replied Ned defiantly.
“What a revolting-looking motorbike!” said Edmond dismissively.
“It’s a monster,” said Ned as he revved the engine.
BRUM! BRUM! BRUM!
“It’s funny is what it is,” said Edmond.
“Funny peculiar not funny ha-ha,” agreed Edmun
d.
“We want it out of our emporium! Now!”
“And if you are looking for a refund on the robot you smashed to smithereens, it’s a no!”
“No, no, no,” replied Ned. “It’s not that. I just wondered if you had one particular toy…”
“Toy? Toy?” spluttered Edmund. “This is Edmund and Edmond’s ENVY’S EMPORIUM, the greatest toyshop on the whole island.”
“The only toyshop on the island,” remarked Ned.
“Still the greatest!” added Edmond.
“What are you looking for, boy?” asked Edmund.
“A bouncy ball that never, ever stops bouncing?” suggested Edmond, picking one up from behind the counter, and hurling it at the floor.
BOING! BOING! BOING!
BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING! BOING!
“An exploding rubber ducky?” chimed in his twin brother. “Perfect for a deadly bath.” He turned the timer on the side, then rushed to the door and threw it out into the road.
Thick white liquid splattered all over the windows.
SPLAT! SPLIT! SPLUT!
The milk float doing its early morning round had exploded. When the milkman returned to it with his crate, he looked mightily shocked.
“A Scrabble set without any vowels?” said Edmond, picking up their own version of the classic game.
“Or consonants!”
The evil pair chuckled at the thought.
“Ha! Ha! Ha!”
The boy simply shook his head and smiled. Ned was in no rush. In fact, he was determined to enjoy this.
“A giant cuddly tarantula spider?” purred Edmond.
“It even bites with real venom!” added Edmund.
THWUCK!
Slime: The new children’s book from No. 1 bestselling author David Walliams. Page 4
