“Mr. Lang, did you get any potato chips?” David asked.
“Sorry, I don’t think so.”
“How about chocolate?” Amber asked him. “I’d kill for a Hershey’s bar right now.”
“Now that I think we can do.”
“I’m going upstairs.” I told him. I started around the sofa and Tasha grabbed my hand. I kept going, pulling away from her.
“Becca,”
“I have to lay down.” I said.
I hurried up the stairs, hoping to make it to our room before I lost it and began to sob again. I flopped onto the bed and buried my face in the pillow and let out a scream. It was just a minute later the bed moved under Tasha’s weight. She ran her hand down my back.
“It’s okay, honey.” she said.
“I killed him.”
“Who?”
I sobbed and told her what happened. She reassured me, much like Dad did. It wasn’t working. And I know she’s pretty upset, too. I can hear her sniffling. I haven’t looked up to see if she’s crying, but she had to be.
“Becca, it’s like a cop, okay? Someone bails out of a vehicle after a high speed chase and waves their hand at the cop and the cop shoots him. He has to. And sometimes it’s not a gun the guy was waving, sometimes it’s a cell phone. Does that mean the cop shouldn’t shoot?”
“It’s not the same.”
“It’s exactly the same, honey.”
Maybe she’s right. At least I know she doesn’t blame me or think I’m a murderer. I turned onto my back and I could see that she was crying too. I thought so.
“I’m okay, Tasha.”
“I know you are. Everything is fine, Becca.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“But I’m in love with you. You aren’t in love with me.”
“I might be.” she said, smiling. “I’m trying.”
“You shouldn’t have to try, Tasha. Either you love me or you don’t.”
“No,” She leaned forward and kissed me. “I’m trying to get out of my own way, because I think I really am in love with you.”
Seriously? She thinks she could be in love with me. Yes! Well if one thing could cheer me up, that’s it. I love her so much.
“Tasha, do you want to have kids some day?”
“Well we haven’t gotten past second base yet, you’re a little early.” she said, giggling.
“Second base? Wait, what is that, anyway?”
“I always thought second base was like getting each other off.” she said. “Ya know, manually. Whatever.”
“What I’m trying to say is that I love you. But Dad made a point earlier. What if you want a kid?”
“Do you?”
“Honestly, with everything going on, I have no idea. I mean I like kids, but it’s crazy right now. Plus I'm only seventeen, so...”
“What is this about?” she asked, laughing. “Getting kind of serious, aren’t you, hon?”
“I am serious, Tasha. But this was Dad’s idea.”
“He wants us to have a kid?”
“No. He asked me what if you and I didn’t work out because you wanted a kid.”
“Oh.” She hugged me. “I’m not there yet, Rebecca.” she said. “I’m getting there. And if I have a kid some day, I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to raise it with.”
“Thank you.”
“But Becca, I said I wanted time to make sure this is what I want.”
“I know. Trust me, no pressure.”
She laid next to me and snuggled up against me. She does love me. She thinks she may be in love with me. If this is because of all the stress of what we’re going through, if this is because all the available guys are dead, it’s all worth it. Okay, that’s not true. But that doesn’t mean I can’t find one bright light in all this dreariness.
“What would our kid be like?” she asked.
“Huh? I don’t know.”
“We’d have to teach her all the girly stuff. It’s not like she’ll be able to read magazines or watch television to see any of that.”
“We could still get magazines.”
“But she’d have to learn how to be tough and take charge, like you.”
“And how to comfort others like you do.”
“You’re Mom is a really good cook, so maybe she’d teach her granddaughter some of that?”
“I think she’d freak out if she had a granddaughter at this point.”
“What if we had a boy? We both suck at sports.”
“Dad could help there, maybe.” If he isn’t too angry about having a grandson from his lesbian daughter’s girlfriend.
Tuesday, May 10th
I stayed up all night. I wanted to make sure Bridget was asleep before I snuck down here.
Today is her fourteenth birthday. A special day for her. I’m not letting this messed up situation ruin it for her.
It was still dark outside when I finished frosting the cake. Tasha was with me by then. She had slept a few hours, but then come down looking for me about four A.M.
“I like the decorations.” she said.
“Oh, thanks.” I hung little streamers around the room.
“You’re working so hard for this.” She said. She came over and leaned her chin on my shoulder from behind. “This is really sweet.”
“I just want Bridget to have a good birthday.”
“What did you get her?” she asked. She nodded at the pile of presents on the table.
“I got her this really cute dress, and a gold necklace and earring set.”
“You’ve put so much thought into this. I hope your mom is up to coming out for it.”
“Me too.”
Mom is still sick. She’s gotten just a little better. Not a lot. I’m so worried about her, but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve gotten books and tried to find information, but her symptoms point toward pneumonia. We’ve done everything we can for that. There are things she needs done that we can’t really do, but we even brought an oxygen mask and tanks for her. Maybe she just needs more time.
“This is it.” Tasha said to me. She kissed my cheek.
“Careful, I don’t want to mess up her name.”
“Sorry.”
“This is what?”
“This is when I knew for sure.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That I’m completely in love with you, Rebecca Lang. No doubts now.”
I stopped and turned toward her. She’s got tears in her eyes. I started crying. I’ve wanted this so badly. And now she’s saying it. She’s sure now. No going back. No worries that she’ll change her mind. One thing she promised me weeks ago is that she wouldn’t ever tell me she was sure until she absolutely was.
“I love you so much, Tasha.”
“I love you too, angel.” She hugged me and kissed me. “But you better finish your cake. And try not to get tears on it.”
When everyone was awake we hurried Bridget in and sang happy birthday. She cried. It was so cool that it meant that much to her. We even got Mom out to eat some cake. And Bridget loved all her gifts. It was great.
In the afternoon Dad took Bridget out and showed her how to drive. She’s too young, really, but I doubt she’s going to get pulled over and asked for her license. Besides, she was really enjoying it. It was something she always wanted, and he wanted her to be happy on her birthday. We couldn’t take her to Disney World, we couldn’t go to the mall, so he did this for her.
“I know Mom would have wanted to spend some time with you today, make it special.” I told Bridget. I actually went into her room and tucked her in. “She’s going to get better soon, Bridget.”
“I don’t know if she is. Do you really think so, Becca?”
“Yes, definitely.” I bent down and kissed her forehead. “Ya know, you’re growing up so fast.”
“Oh please.”
“Before long you’ll be grown up, married, moving away.” I said, laughing.
“David’s available. Hey Amber, your brother and my sister, what do you think?”
“He’s not the only one available in our family.” was Amber’s reply.
“Eww.” Bridget said, laughing. “Not happening. No offense.”
“What is it with you Lang women? What, I’m not good enough for any of you?”
“No.” Bridget told her.
“Goodnight. I love you, Bridget.”
I think she may have actually hurt Amber’s feelings the way she said that. That poor girl has no prospects at all. Not even a bratty little boy that may change as he gets older. At least Bridget may one day grow to like David. Amber doesn’t have that.
“Hey,” I stopped in front of Amber’s bed and knelt down. “You’re a sweet girl, Amber. Some day someone is going to be lucky to be with you.”
“Just not you.” she mumbled.
“I’m in love with someone else.”
“If you weren’t, would I even have a chance?”
“Um,” Would she have a chance? I don’t know her well enough to say yes, but I don’t know enough to say no, either. “Maybe when you were older.”
“Good. So I’ll just wait.”
“Don’t hold your breath, Amber.”
“Hey,” She reached out and grabbed my hand as I was standing up. “I’m glad you’re happy, Becca. Even if I can’t be.”
“Goodnight.”
I went into our room and undressed. I’m sleeping naked. That’s all there is to it. I’m a little nervous about that, but I want to be naked with my girlfriend. Maybe she’ll get naked, too. I can dream.
“I feel bad for Amber.” I said. Probably not the best way to get Tasha in the mood for anything. “I know how much it sucks to want to be with someone you can’t be with.”
“But you are with me.” she said. Her hand moved over and rested on my stomach. “You were talking about me, right?”
“I love you, Tasha.” I started crying hard. “It was so hard before you, but now I don’t think I could live without you. Please don’t leave me.”
“I won’t.”
“I can’t do this without you.”
“Becca,”
“I feel like I’m barely holding on anyway.”
“I’m right here.”
“I thought it would be so much better when Dad got here. I thought he’d take over and... and... but he’s just...”
“Too worried about your mom.”
“No, he’s just... he’s not tough enough for this, Tasha. I can’t believe it, but he’s not. He can’t make hard decisions.”
“He’s going through a hard time right now.”
“We all are. I just want him to be my Dad. Instead he’s just this guy that wanders around and doesn’t know what to do.”
“He loves you guys.”
“I know. I love him, you know this isn’t about that. He just... I just wish he’d take charge.”
Thursday, May 12th
“Hey Dad, Tasha and I are going on a supply run.”
“You sure? I can go with you.”
“No, that’s okay.” I grabbed her hand. “It’ll be like a date.”
“Be careful.”
“I think we’re going to look for one of those little propane camp stoves and some bottles of propane. David was telling me about them, I think I know what to look for. If we stop using the stove so much maybe we can at least let the oven last a while longer.” The tank out back may be big, but it’s not going to last forever.
“Good idea.” he mumbled without any emotion.
I went up to our room and changed to some better shoes, put my hair in a pony tail, grabbed a backpack and the guns. I went down to Bridget’s room and knocked. I heard laughing from inside. I knocked again and she told me to come in.
“Hi.” I said, sticking my head in. Her and David were in there alone. They were sitting on opposite sides of the room, but they had really guilty looks on their faces. “What are you two up to?”
“Nothing.” she said.
“Nothing at all.” he added.
“Right. Anyway,” I held a gun out toward each of them. “I have a job for you two.”
“You’re giving me a gun?” Bridget asked.
“I want you two to keep an eye out while I’m gone. Dad is distracted by Mom right now.”
“Where are you going?”
“Tasha and I are going for more supplies.”
“We have plenty, Becca.”
“Well we don’t want to wait until we’re running low, do we?”
“You just want to be alone with Tasha.” David accused.
“Anyway, go downstairs and keep your eyes open. Remember to check out the back every now and then.”
“We will.” Bridget told me. She gave me a smile, happy that I trust her to guard everyone.
“And whatever you were doing in here, you’re not ready.”
“Becca,” She rolled her eyes as she nudged past me into the hall. “We weren’t doing anything. And it’s not like you should be talking. I hear you in there at night.”
“Well you haven’t heard much, then.”
When we got downstairs, Tasha and Amber were in a heated stare off. They were five feet from each other, both looking at the other like they wanted them dead.
“What’s going...” I began.
“Tasha says I can’t come...” Amber said.
“This little twerp is trying to tell me...” Tasha shouted at the same time.
“along, and I don’t see why she gets...”
“what to do, and there’s no way in hell...”
“to go and I don’t. I never get to go along...”
“that I’m sitting in a car with her for half...”
“and I’m sick and tired of sitting...”
“the day and listen to her...”
“Shut up!” I shout. I stepped between them. “Seriously?” I said to Tasha. I turned to Amber. “You can’t go today.”
“Uh!”
“I promise to take you along next time.”
“So what, she gets to go because you’re sleeping with her?”
“Okay, well A: none of your business, and B: go to hell, Amber.”
“Uh!”
“Look, I’m sorry.” I said. I clearly hurt her feelings with that last bit. “Amber, I like you, you’re a nice girl usually, but you’ve got to learn to stay out of my personal relationship. It isn’t your business. At all. Got it?”
“I want to go!”
“You’re not going.” I told her.
“But...”
“I’m in charge here.” I can’t believe I just said that. I hate the very idea.
“You’re dad is.”
“Well...” No, I am. Sadly. I wish Dad was. “I’m in charge of you, anyway.”
“This is so unfair.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way. Please try to understand.”
“Why can’t I go?” she asked.
“Because I actually do want to spend a little time alone with my girlfriend, okay?”
She looked at Natasha with that burning anger for a second, and then it faded to a sadness. She looks really jealous. She glanced at me, her lip trembling, and she nodded. And then she turned and stomped up the stairs.
I felt bad for her, but we had to get going. So we got in the car and headed away. Tasha reached over and held my hand as she drove. It was really nice.
“I wish we could go on a real date.” I told her.
“I’m sure we could find something to do. A picnic?”
“We should probably just get in and get out.”
“In and out. Sounds more like something that comes at the end of a lot of dates.” she said laughing.
I think she’s blushing. She’s talking about sex, right? Okay, well, she’s squeezing my hand so tightly it’s starting to hurt.
“Do you want to, like, um... be with me? L
ike... ya know, intimately” I asked. I had to look out the side window to avoid any possibility of her seeing how embarrassed I felt for asking.
“I’m a little busy driving right now.” was her reply.
“I didn’t mean now. Just... ever?”
“Sometime.” she said. She raised my hand and kissed it. “When we’re both ready.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, Becca. I love you.”
“So... so you think I’m... like... sexy?”
“What?”
She started laughing and had to let go of my hand to wipe her eyes because there were tears. I felt like crying, too, but mostly from embarrassment. I can’t believe I asked that. Can I curl up and die now?
“Becca, angel, I’m in love with you.”
“But... I mean... I guess what I want to know...”
“You’re incredibly sexy, honey.” She laughed. “Do you not know that? Seriously?”
“I... try not to think about it. It’s not like I ever had anyone who I wanted to think I was sexy before now.”
“Well you are. Incredibly.”
“You too.” I told her.
“Yeah, I know.”
“Oh, wow, so confident, huh?” I asked, and I laughed.
“Well you basically glare at me all the time. I’ve gotten the idea you think I’m hot.”
“I do. Absolutely.”
“You ever feel like we’re pushing our luck?”
“You mean by going out for supplies like this?”
“No. I mean us. Being together, being happy. Like we’re pushing it, like God or the universe or whatever has already decided that humans don’t deserve happiness.”
“I don’t believe that. Not at all. Maybe it’s more like this is a little reward for putting up with all of this.”
It does feel like a reward. But will she think I’m saying something ridiculous, or wrong? I don’t think Tasha believes we’re being rewarded. It’s not much of a reward when you consider all the people that have died, all the people that are suffering, the changes in us and our lives, the people I’ve killed.
Becca Page 9
