by Mj Fields
Tessa walked out of the bathroom slowly and immediately recognized Pastor Lou from a summer VBS as well as past trip to visit Ann when they had gone to her church on Sundays.
He opened his arms, and she ran into them and cried, “Oh Tessa, it’s you.”
The family arrived, and calling hours were held. Ann had chosen cremation and wished to be buried in Syracuse with Fred and her siblings. It was a small service. Everything happened so quickly.
~
At home, few people knew about Ann’s passing. She hadn’t lived in the area for years and aside from Maggie and her siblings no one ever really got to know Ann. She was an angel. Anyone who took the time to know her would immediately be able to see that. Tessa replayed their last conversations over and over in her head and took comfort that, as Pastor Lou had said to Ann’s Joe, ‘she wasn’t alone when she passed’. Maggie shared in his sentiments and Tessa tried to as well.
~
Jade, Phoebe, and Becca all gave Tessa a card on her first day back to school and Lucas watched the exchange. Tessa saw him from the corner of her eye and he looked confused as he walked up and tried to grab her arm.
“Don’t, it’s none of your business,” Tessa sidestepped him a quickly walked down the hall to class.
The next few weeks Tessa was very withdrawn. She went to the library at lunch and skipped Alex’s basketball games. She was keeping it together on the outside but doing just the minimal to take care of herself. She ate just a little and was no longer running. The thing is, nobody really saw it. Every one’s lives were busy, and Tessa had never been the type to need anyone. The only person she confided in was Toby through letters and email. He was her source of strength. She asked that he not say anything to anyone, and he respected her request.
~
On Valentine's Day weekend, Toby came home. They hung out and talked a lot, he insisted on taking her out to dinner. They went to a place in Ithaca. They sat at the restaurant talking, he even made her laugh. Toby excused himself and went to the bathroom. Tessa took a deep breath and sat back. When she looked up she saw Lucas walk in with his mother. Tessa immediately looked away.
Lucas’s mom saw her.
“Let’s go say hi,” Kate smiled at Lucas as she walked towards her. “Hello Tessa, how are you?”
“How are you?” she smiled brightly at Lucas’s Mom.
“Much better now, thank you for looking after my boy while I was getting help, Tessa. By the way you’re an excellent cook.”
“It wasn’t a problem,” she forced a smile.
“Lucas where are your manners? Aren’t you going to say hello to Tessa?”
“Hello Tessa,” Lucas said as if he were in agony.
Toby walked out and smiled. “Toby you remember Lucas, right?”
“Hey Lucas, how are you?” Toby asked and extended his hand.
“I’m fine Toby,” he smiled and shook his hand. “This is my mother Kate.”
“Very nice to meet you,” Toby gave her a hug, “You’ve got quite an athlete here.”
“He is. I’m very proud of him.”
There was an awkward silence and Tessa finally spoke “Toby are we ready to go?”
“No dessert?” Toby smiled.
Tessa smirked, “No thank you.”
“I wanted some, but I guess I could wait,” Toby winked at her.
Tessa said goodbye to Kate and she hugged Tessa. Toby said goodbye to Lucas and they left.
Tessa managed to say absolutely nothing to Lucas and that made her very happy. Toby smiled at her knowing what she was thinking and hugged her. Since the events of New Year’s Eve, the two had gotten very close. They emailed or texted back and forth daily. Tessa knew he was the kind of man that she could love without feeling the hurt that Lucas had caused her. She loved Toby, but it wasn’t the lust filled way she felt towards Lucas. They talked about their future dreams and hopes. She knew that he would wait for her forever, not just because he said it, but she could feel it. Toby was her Fred.
“Hey angel, I have something for you,” Toby said when they pulled in the driveway at her house.
He parked the car and opened the console that separated them. He took out a box and gave it to her. Tessa opened the box; it was a beautiful silver ring. It had hands that made up the shape of a heart and a crown sat on top of them.
“Do you know what this is?”
She smiled and shook her head no.
“It’s called a Claddagh ring. The hands that are touching signify friendship, they make a heart which means love, and the crown’s meaning is loyalty.”
“It is beautiful Toby. I don’t know what to say, all I got you was a stupid card.”
“I didn’t even know I was coming home, I didn’t plan to give you this now. I just knew someday I would. Tessa I know you are it for me. I just want you to know that. I expect that you wear this to remember that. Whenever you decide to accept or not accept is up to you,” He watched as her eyes widened, and he let out a deep laugh.
“What are you thinking angel?”
“I don’t know,” she blushed.
“You know that’s not an engagement ring don’t you? It’s a promise from me to you, nothing more. Do you feel better now?” Toby asked smiling at her.
“Not really,” Tessa whispered.
“Okay angel, spill it,” Toby took her hand.
After a long pause she spoke, “Well I don’t know--- what does that mean for us right now?” he looked confused. “Does this mean you want to…”
Toby laughed out loud, “I adore you, but I don’t want that now.”
“So you don’t want to have sex with me?” Tessa asked curiously. She wished she hadn’t asked. Toby Green was a beautiful man, but those feelings, the desire and lust she felt for Lucas had yet to blossom within her for him.
He closed his eyes and leaned back, “Of course I do, but you’re eighteen and I’m twenty one. I’m not home a lot. If I opened that door I wouldn’t be able to focus on what I need to, because I would want to be with you even more than I do now. And then… there’s you. I have a feeling you’re going to be a lot to handle. I want to be the only one handling you. I’m going to wait for you, and ask you to do the same for me.”
“Okay," she smiled as she looked at the ring. She would feel those things and then she would no longer want Lucas Links.
He laughed, “Tessa Ross, it’s going to be a long couple years.”
She leaned over and kissed him, “Toby, I’ll want you as a graduation present.”
He smiled, and passion filled his eyes, “I love you angel.”
Toby went to church with her in the morning. She sang with her group and she felt whole again. She didn’t want him to leave that afternoon, but it was so much different than not wanting Lucas to leave.
“Okay angel, I don’t know when I’ll see you again, but I can promise you as soon as I get more than twenty four hours off I will here with you. Take care of the Jeep. I love you Tessa,” He took her face and kissed her gently.
His flight was called, and he pulled away.
“Very nice,” he smiled.
“Yes it was,” she smiled back, “Love you, Toby.”
~
The past few weeks had been much different for Lucas. He had filled his days with school and basketball. Lucas’s weekends were spent with his mother and hanging out with Ryan, Tommy, and occasionally Alex. He went to counseling once a week with Sadi. He finally felt somewhat happy about having this child. He insisted that she have counseling once a week alone and was paying for it with the money he made at the Spot, even though his father had offered. Sadi was beginning to understand more and more each day that they would be parents, but not together. She expressed resentment less and less each week. Lucas hoped that she would continue to grow up, just like he was doing. They had their sonogram to find out the sex of the child in three weeks. Lucas was content with the fact that Tessa was with Toby, he knew he was a good man. Contentment however, didn’t hi
nder his love or desire for Tessa. He still knew how badly he needed her friendship, her hugs, her kisses, and her love. Therefore, if Lucas was to be honest with himself, he knew regardless of how things were, contentment was truly not achieved.
Her phone chimed, and it was Toby
-hey angel just wanted to let you know I have survival training in Maine next week, it is going to suck, but I think we’ll be getting a couple days off after that, so I hope to see you soon… Toby
-TOBY!!! I am SO EXCITED, I have missed you. I can’t wait to hear all about it. That is if you’re allowed to tell me… Tessa
-If I tell you I may have to kill you… Toby
-I know top secret squirrel poop right… Tessa
-Yes angel. Get some sleep, I love you…. Toby
-I love you, goodnight…. Tessa
The week dragged in school. Tessa couldn’t wait till Saturday night. They were having a girls’ night and then they were off for a week. Tessa wouldn’t have to run into him again until after she got to see Toby. Each day with him erased part of the hurt left by Lucas. Tessa had never thought you could love two people at once, but now she was unsure. She loved Toby: really loved him. He made her happy; he was considerate, faithful, gentle and patient with her. Even more so than she sometimes desired, but this convinced her even more that he was perfect for her. Lucas was beautiful physically but damaged beyond what she could at her age deal with and survive without being further injured. Toby and she had discussed it in detail. What she didn’t share with Toby was done out of love and kindness to him. Tessa didn’t share that she felt him when he was in the same hallway as she was in. She smelled him as he walked by even if her back was to him. When he touched her it was felt throughout her entire body and soul. It made her sick to know he still had this effect on her after all he had put her through. She had shoved it back so far in her heart purposely leaving the rest open for Toby. Tessa knew someday she would feel the same way about him, she had to. He was her Fred.
The girls sat in the hot tub, and Jade talked about Tommy. Things were very hot and heavy with them. Jade and Tommy planned to get married. Jade loved him madly, and he felt exactly the same way for her. Tommy’s parents were not completely over the moon about the idea but felt that there wasn’t much they could do about it. Jade wasn’t on the pill yet, but they used condoms.
“Tessa it feels weird hanging out with Lucas and not you,” Jade said.
“Okay-- weird conversation,” Phoebe said.
“No, its fine, I don’t want to be around him Jade. I will not be around him. He broke my heart, and I thank God Toby has been here.”
“What was the final straw Tessa?”
“Jade do you really think she wants to talk about it?” Phoebe shot at her.
“Phoebe, its fine. Let’s see, um New Years eve. It was not the best night,” Tessa laughed.
Tessa had confided in two people about that night, Phoebe and Toby. She would normally have told Jade, but she had decided not to because of Tommy. Tessa didn’t want to ruin what they had by putting her drama in the mix of things.
“Were any of them?” Jade asked sarcastically.
“Okay Jade, what’s up? This is odd coming from you.”
“I don’t know. I kind of like the guy, just seems you two had crap luck, and now I hardly see you. I just wish it were different that’s all,” Jade snapped.
“Seriously Jade, she has been here busting her ass to get through this-- pretty much alone. Where have you been?” Phoebe snapped.
“Phoebe, Jade please don’t,” Tessa said, “I’m good now. I certainly don’t need drama on the home front.”
John pulled in the driveway with Alex and walked out to the hot tub where the girls sat. Both of their heads hung low. Phoebe looked at Tessa and Tessa shrugged her shoulders.
“Tessa, could you come inside with me for a minute?” John asked.
“OK,” she said, “Be right back. So much for a drama-less home front.” Tessa laughed to the girls.
.
Chapter 4
Alex stood frozen looking at the ground, “Everything alright?” Phoebe asked. Alex shook his head no. They heard Tessa scream from the house, she yelled no about ten times after her screams.
“Alex what is it?” Phoebe scrambled out and grabbed his hand.
“There was an accident in Maine. Toby….” his voice cracked, “Toby didn’t make it.”
Maggie pulled in the driveway and walked in the house. She held Tessa as the girls walked through to change. Alex was going to take them home. Tessa sobbed with her head buried in Maggie’s shirt.
~
“Hey Lucas, its Tommy, give me a call when you get a minute. It’s important.”
An hour later Tommy answered the phone, “Hey Lucas.”
“What’s going on Tommy, you sounded off man?”
“Lucas, Toby died.”
Lucas didn’t say anything for a few minutes, when he finally spoke, “How is she?”
“She won’t talk to anyone. The girls were at the house when she found out and Alex took them home. Jade went back this morning and Tessa took off in his Jeep. They haven’t found her yet.”
“Okay I’ll help look for her. I’ll be at the farm in a bit.”
Lucas got in his SUV and drove to where he hoped she would be. He saw tire tracks through the snow leading down to Camp. He drove down, parked, and ran in.
Tessa was laying on the couch sobbing. She didn’t hear him come in. He sat next to her and touched her shoulder.
“Hey Tessa.”
She looked up at him startled and glowered at him. She curled back up in a ball.
“I’m going to text Tommy so he can tell your family where you are, alright?”
“I want to be alone; I don’t want to see anyone right now. I certainly don’t want you here,” Tessa choked out.
“Ok, but I don’t think that’s going to happen. They’re pretty worried about you right now.”
Tessa stood up and walked out to the Jeep; he followed her and grabbed the keys out of her hand. He took a deep breath bracing himself for what was to come.
“I‘ll tell them I’m with you and you’re fine, but you aren’t driving anywhere.”
“I don’t want you here either!!!” she screamed at him as she tried to grab the keys out of his hands.
He held them tightly as she screamed and slapped at his hands. He didn’t let go. She began crying harder and hitting him in the chest. He pulled her against him so that her hands were caught between their bodies.
“I hate you!” she screamed and managed to free herself from his grasp enough to turn her body away from him. He grabbed her and pulled her back against his chest holding her until she stopped fighting him.
“I get that Tessa but you can’t be alone,” Lucas said. “I’ll just sit and wait until you’re ready and then I’ll give you a ride home”
She pulled away from him and walked inside and slammed the door in his face. He sent Tommy and Alex a text.
- I found her but she wants to be alone, she is safe, if it’s alright I’ll wait with her until she is ready…Lucas
Alex replied okay.
Lucas walked in and Tessa was lying in bed in a ball completely covered up. He could hear her soft cries. He wished he could help her but as she had said, she hated him. As much as it tore him apart Lucas knew he deserved it.
She slept for two hours before she woke up. Lucas had grabbed a bottle of water out of his SUV and handed it to her. She drank it and lay back down and cried herself to sleep. Another two hours passed and she woke again, and he was still there. Tessa rolled her eyes at him and covered her head.
It was five at night, twenty four hours after Tessa had learned about Toby’s death and she stood up. She went to the cupboard and grabbed baby wipes and washed her face. She blew her nose and drank more water.
“Thank you for the water,” she looked down and played with her ring.
“You’re welcome Tessa. Your ri
ng is beautiful, was it from Toby?”
“Yes,” she snapped and lie back down and fell asleep.
Two hours later Alex texted,
-Mom and Dad need her to come home. Toby’s parents want to see her, can you get her here?... Alex
-I will… Lucas
“Tessa, wake up,” Lucas whispered in her ear.
She didn’t move. He picked her up and she started to move and she wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Toby,” she whimpered.
Lucas kissed her head and was overtaken by her scent. He had missed that smell, her hair. He noted that she felt lighter. He opened the door to the Lexus, and put her in and got into the driver’s side.
“What are you doing?” Tessa asked sounding defeated.
“Taking you home: Alex sent a message. Toby’s parents want to see you. They’re coming over to your house,” Lucas explained softly.
“What time is it?”
“Almost seven.”
He pulled into the driveway. John, Maggie, and Alex came out to the SUV.
Tessa looked at him, “Thank you.”
He simply nodded his head and looked away. Seeing her broken crushed him. Knowing there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it cut into his heart.
John and Maggie walked in with Tessa, Alex got in Lucas’s vehicle. “Thanks Lucas, how did you know where to find her?”
“One of the two places Tessa goes when she’s upset or angry,” Lucas said. “Alex what the hell happened?”
“Not sure, I just know it was an accident and his parents are going to be here any minute to see Tessa. I assume they’ll let us know. I’ll call you later and let you know, thanks again Lucas.” Alex said as he got out and went inside.
Tessa went and showered, she got dressed. She brushed her teeth and took a deep breath as she heard Chewy bark announcing that guests were pulling in. Tessa walked in the kitchen and sat next to her mother.
Toby’s parents walked in and Tessa stood and walked to his mother and hugged her. They both cried and held each other for a long time. Toby’s father rubbed both their backs as he held back his tears. “Alright ladies let’s have a seat.” He said and kissed his wife’s cheek.
