‘Dan I’m so sorry,’ I whispered, as I tried to soothe him by running my fingers through his hair.
‘I hate myself,’ he sobbed as he buried his face in my lap and I held him. I couldn’t believe this was Dan, big strong alpha male Dan, sobbing in my lap. Tears poured down my face as I thought about what he’d been through. To lose the woman he was in love with and a son, then to try and do the right thing by a woman who played him, to only lose her and their child as well? This was why he didn’t want to sleep with me, he was trying to be decent, to honour his marriage vows even if he’d been tricked into it. He was scared of getting attached to someone again in case he lost them too. And I’d kept pushing him, goading him to sleep with me, pushing him for more.
‘You’re a good man Dan,’ I whispered, as I stroked the top of his head. ‘You did the right thing by her, when many men would have walked away. It was a tragic accident that could have killed you too. You can’t blame yourself.’
‘I do,’ he answered quick as a whippet.
‘Why? Why do you blame yourself?’
‘I was … I was driving when it happened.’
‘What happened?’
‘I may have been drunk,’ he whispered, so quietly I wondered if I’d actually heard right. Despite trying my hardest not to, I stiffened up automatically. I deplored drunk drivers, I lost my own parents to one. I still supported his defenceless innocent child who’d not only lost his father that night I lost both parents, but then his mother to cancer soon after. Drink driving was inexcusable.
‘You … you were … driving while you were drunk?’ I uttered as I held my breath, praying for it not to be true. If it was, I wasn’t sure if I could handle that.
‘I was drunk on the Friday night, the night of my wedding, because I was so unhappy. The accident happened on the Saturday afternoon.’ He unfurled himself from his foetal position in my lap and wiped his eyes on his arm, looking embarrassed at his melt down. I’d warrant not many people saw him cry, which told me that his feelings for me were genuine. As he looked into my eyes, I dropped them to focus on my dark blue jeans, stretched across my bent knee. I couldn’t look at his face and I remained silent trying to process this latest bombshell.
‘This is … this is why you don’t really drink much now?’
‘Yes.’
‘Did you feel drunk when it happened?’
‘No, I wouldn’t have driven if I had, but what if I was? What if it wasn’t completely out of my system? What if I caused the accident?’
‘Have you ever driven drunk before?’
‘Never,’ he shot back. ‘I’ve just ruined this now haven’t I? You hate me? Fuck. I knew you would, but I hated lying to you Ellie.’
‘I don’t hate you, it’s just a lot to process. I mean you’re still married and … and you’re not the same man I fell in love with, I fell in love with Dan.’
‘Ollie, Oliver, Dan, it doesn’t matter. I’m still the same person, Ellie. Sometimes I wear suits and attend board meetings, but since I’ve lived up here I love the quiet, I don’t miss the partying, socialising, or womanising. I promise you I never lied about that. Until you I never broke my vows, I hate myself for breaking those vows,’ he sighed. I heard his hand running over his stubble and lifted my head and caught my breath. He looked so exhausted and broken. I picked up his hand and squeezed it in mine trying to reassure him that I wasn’t bailing, not yet. ‘I just found you Ellie, I don’t want to lose you too.’
‘So talk to me, tell me everything about Rebecca, so I can understand why you won’t let Moira go? That’s a long time to leave someone on life support, Dan.’
‘Ellie this is painful stuff for me. I don’t even discuss this with my parents or best friend.’
‘I get that, I’m not going to force you, but if you want us to try this, as a couple, I need to be clear where you’re at. I need to be sure that I can trust you again, if you’re the sort of man I want to be with. I’ve been through loss too and I don’t let people in easily either. You know I’ve been let down before and I don’t want to go through that again. Before you even think about baring your soul though, maybe I should be honest with you too.’
‘You’ve lied to me as well?’
‘No, but given that damn file you had made on me, would I get away with hiding anything from you? That’s something else we need to discuss, as it was unacceptable.’
‘I have to ensure my privacy and make sure people coming aren’t after a story by exposing my private life, Ellie,’ he protested.
‘I get that, but details about … my parents? Brooke being bi-sexual? That’s personal, that’s nothing to do with a man who’s renting me a holiday let.’
‘I’m sorry, I’m a suspicious man, I have to be in business.’
‘Ok, but in future you want to know something about me you ask me. No limits,’ I smiled. ‘That said, I believe in marriage and I want children. If events in your past, and your current situation, mean that you can’t offer that, or don’t want to offer that, then I’m not sure we should let this go any further.’
‘Damn it, Ellie. That’s asking a hell of lot from a man like me, a married man.’
‘I know that,’ I sighed. ‘I’m not expecting you to tell me that you love me right now, or that you’ll definitely marry me and have children, but I need to know that you’re not closed off to the possibility.’
‘You’re thinking about us making this work?’ he looked at me with a mixture of surprise and relief etched onto his handsome face. I reached up and palmed his face, kissed the corner of his mouth and heard him take a sharp inhalation.
‘Despite everything Dan, I love you, you know it, I know it. I’d love for this to work because I think we could be amazing together. We’d argue a lot, we’d have hot makeup sex, we’d have fun, support each other, but …’ I sighed as I pulled back.
‘But what?’
‘You are still married on paper. I don’t feel like you’re cheating because you never really had a relationship, you didn’t love her and it’s been a long time, but you are still married. So if you want to see if we can make this work then you have to convince me that we could have a future by making me understand your past.’ We both looked around as the door knocked. ‘I’ll get it. We don’t want people gossiping that I smuggled in some hot guy in the middle of the night.’ I stood up and went to walk away, but he grabbed my hand and raised it to his lips.
‘You’re an amazing woman, did you know that?’
‘As well as infuriating and over talkative?’ I teased. He gave me a half-smile and I quickly went to answer the door. I wheeled the trolley with a few silver domed plates and a large pot of delicious smelling coffee and poured myself some as he uncovered his food.
‘Are you eating anything with me? I ordered plenty.’
‘So I see, but I doubt even all of that is enough for you, let alone me as well. Besides it’s the middle of the night, I’m not hungry. I’m going to sit in the lounge while you eat and have a think if you’re really ready to tell me everything.’ I quickly walked out and closed the door. It was hot, my suite was on the top floor in one of the turrets, so I opened the doors to the roof terrace and headed out. I pulled my knees up to my chest as I sat in a chair, looking at the moonlit loch while sipping my steaming coffee. I hurt for him, really hurt. I knew loss, I knew the blackness living in his heart, and to think he’d pretty much cut himself off by living up here? Denying himself the pleasure of women’s company, of sex, when he was obviously a sexual guy? I wondered what Brooke would make of all of this, too bad it was too late to call her.
‘Ellie?’ I heard Dan’s panicked voice come from the living room.
‘Terrace,’ I called. He strode out with his coffee and ran a hand through his hair as he sighed and sat down next to me.
‘I can’t make any promises about the future Ellie, but I care for you like … like I’ve never cared for anyone since Rebecca. I’ll tell you everything on the condition it stays conf
idential. This is all extremely personal to me and I don’t want the tabloids getting hold of it.’
‘You can trust me,’ I responded, insulted that he thought it needed stating. He nodded and I settled back as he started talking.
Day Five
Monday 7th July ~ Year One
Ellie
I woke in bed, in my t-shirt and knickers with Dan wrapped around me like a vine. It was our second night sleeping together, without actually sleeping together. We’d talked most of the night Saturday, slept in late on Sunday, then went out for Sunday lunch and spent most of the night talking again. I’d cried, he’d cried, but we’d come to the conclusion that we wanted to give us a shot, even though we’d not had the dreaded discussion around marriage and children. He’d come around to believing that he wasn’t being a bastard for wanting to have some happiness with someone else, but equally he still hadn’t come around to the fact that nothing was going to bring Moira back and he was punishing himself and her parents by refusing to let her go. He’d been gutted that I’d refused to have sex, with me reminding him it wasn’t exactly easy for me to abstain. I was nearly there with trusting him, but I wanted to see her for my own eyes, to hear from a medical professional that what he was telling me really was true. I’d been so gullible with Matt and Zac, I wanted one hundred percent reassurance that I wasn’t being made a fool of again. I opened my eyes to see his face on the pillow next to mine and reached up and ran my fingertip over his brow, down his chiselled cheekbone and circled his lips. They parted as he let out a sigh and I leaned forward and gently kissed him.
‘Ellie,’ he sighed happily and tightened his grip on me before slowly opening his stunning eyes making me gulp. ‘You’re still here.’
‘I couldn’t have gone anywhere if I tried,’ I smiled, realising from his comment that he’d inadvertently revealed just how insecure he was about his suitability for me. ‘You’re like a straight jacket, but on my whole body. Can I order you breakfast in bed?’
‘I’d love you for breakfast,’ he replied, with a bite of his full bottom lip and a raise of his eyebrows.
‘We agreed,’ I sighed.
‘No, you bloody told me. You know no one tells me what to do, with the exception of my parents and Magda, if I want to do something I do it,’ he muttered with a sulky frown.
‘The mighty Mr. Davenport bowing to a mere woman,’ I teased.
‘You’re an amazing woman, not a mere woman. Can I at least kiss you?’
‘Once we agree what I’m going to call you,’ I reminded him. It was one of the few things we struggled with since he arrived at the hotel.
‘I guess you met me as Dan, I won’t be moving back to London and I like my anonymity up here, so it had better be Dan.’
‘Would I be allowed to call you that if we have sex again?’
‘If we’re having sex again you can call me whatever the hell you want, baby,’ he chuckled. ‘I just hated you calling me that when you didn’t know my real name was Oliver, it reminded me that I was keeping you in the dark.’
‘Baby eh?’ I smiled and laughed when he went pink. ‘You know you called me that the night you saved me from the loch?’
‘Did I?’
‘I got under your skin, even then,’ I nodded.
‘You did, you do,’ he smiled. ‘Now you promised me a kiss,’ he advised, as he grasped my face and slanted his mouth over mine, creating a perfect seal as his tongue gently flickered against mine and I went malleable in his arms. I reluctantly pulled away when we started getting more vigorous and his hands left my face to clutch at my body. ‘Damn it, Ellie,’ he groaned.
‘You still have a working hand,’ I replied, as I pecked him on the lips again and bounded to the bathroom, locking myself in. I had a cooler than normal shower to try and dampen the longing building up inside me, which was made even harder as I heard him groaning loudly next door and imagined him stroking himself. I couldn’t wait to fall into bed with him, for him to fuck me as well as I recalled, as well as those memories I’d relived day after day. By the time I was dry with some mascara on and smooth sleek hair, dressed in a maxi dress with flat sandals ready for the heat, he was tucking into an enormous breakfast.
‘Finally. I thought you were never coming out. I ordered you scrambled egg and bacon and some muesli.’
‘Thank you. Room service didn’t care that I had a deep masculine voice again?’
‘Organised via my Manager who brought it up himself. I told him I had a hooker and was trying to be discreet,’ he smirked.
‘Very funny,’ I replied as I took a seat and uncovered my plate.
‘You look beautiful this morning. Not that you don’t look beautiful all the time.’
‘Thank you,’ I smiled shyly at him. How had the sexiest guy on the face of the planet fallen for me?
‘No compliment back?’
‘Please, like your ego needs stroking.’
‘You have a point, but I do have something else that needs stroking,’ he replied as he slid back on his chair and spread his thighs, giving me a clear glimpse of his boxer clad erection.
‘I thought I heard you doing that earlier.’
‘I told you that I have a high sexual appetite. Higher since you came on the scene.’
‘Can’t you employ someone to sort that erection out, with your millions?’ I teased, as I tucked into my breakfast, determined not to touch him until I knew for sure his wife wasn’t going to come back from the virtual dead, like Bobby Ewing, and cause more problems with Dan feeling he “owed” her something.
‘Hmmm. Not a bad idea. There is this little blonde in the village that might be up for it,’ he winked. I scowled at him as I ate, bristling at the thought of any other woman having their hands on him.
‘So are you sure about today?’ I asked hesitantly.
‘I guess,’ he shrugged, as the humour and horniness quickly drained from his face.
‘I don’t want to force you Dan, but equally I’m not prepared to go any further with you until I’m clear.’
‘You can’t just take my word for it?’ he asked, then sighed as I raised my eyebrows at him. ‘No, after what I’ve done of course you can’t. I’m an honest guy Ellie, everything that I concealed from you was more a misdirection or avoidance. I can’t think of one instance where I flat out lied to you.’
‘I know but you went about things in a seriously wrong way. This will put my mind at rest that there are no more deceptions, then we can talk about the future. Ok?’
‘As you wish.’
‘That’s on the no list,’ I laughed. ‘I hate that expression.’
I could feel the tension returning to him as he drove the Land Rover down the mountain. At least it was daylight and there was no ice or snow, but I felt nervous. This wasn’t your usual situation, going to your potential boyfriend’s parents in law’s house, to see their comatose daughter, who was still married to said potential boyfriend. Dan told me that during his two hour visits he’d spend time with Moira, talking about his business as it was the only subject that he felt passionate enough about to talk about for a long time. He did spend time talking to her parents, Theo and Florie who he assured me had been nagging him to date. Apparently someone, not Dan, had told them that their daughter wasn’t a virgin and that she’d lied about using protection to try and get pregnant. They’d been blaming Dan for corrupting her, until someone set them straight. He told me that they’d forgiven him, and whilst they were occasionally at loggerheads over his refusal to turn off her ventilator, they were concerned that he’d put his life on hold. He’d told me that they’d noticed a change in him during my stay in December, and had managed to get him to confess that he’d fallen for me. Apparently they’d encouraged him to pursue a relationship. Reading between the lines I got the impression that they were genuinely fond of him, realising that he was a good man to have stood by her, and to marry her, despite not being in love with her. When he’d rung them to ask their permission for me to visit,
having explained that I was reluctant to date him, given her situation, they’d agreed immediately.
‘I’m sorry if this is hard for you,’ I said quietly as I watched him driving.
‘I just never imagined that I’d have a girlfriend again, let alone be taking her to visit my wife and parents in law. It’s hardly the stuff dreams are made of,’ he sighed, as he navigated a roundabout in the town centre.
‘I’m your girlfriend?’ I queried, as I tried to keep the grin off my face.
‘Damn right you are and if I have to tell Tom to take a hike I will, along with anyone else who comes sniffing around you. Now I have Theo and Florie’s blessing, as well as my own parent’s, it eases the guilt somewhat, but I still feel like I’m cheating.’
‘What were you going to do? Remain single for life? Never have sex again?’ I countered.
‘Yes,’ he sighed. ‘Until you came and fucked up that plan.’
‘You really felt that strongly about me?’
‘Feel,’ he corrected as he turned his head to smile at me, making me blush. ‘You’re the only woman I want Ellie and if we can’t work this out there won’t be anyone else for me. I’ll stick to my celibacy plan and use your photo and my memories of sex with you to masturbate to.’
31 Days of Summer (31 Days #2) Page 6
