Headlamp (hands-free flashlight; very useful for nighttime mischief)
Clipboard (good for organizing; people always trust a clipboard)
String-tie envelope (useful for storing plans)
Cell phone (required features: digital camera, text messaging, vibrating ring)
Small tool kit (just explain, “Dad, I’m tired of using your tools,” which usually works)
Good-quality backpack (be sure it contains lots of hidden pockets)
Assemble the Basic Black wardrobe, and three items from the Prankster’s Tool Kit.
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SIGNATURES
Signatures make things look official. They can be used for very funny pranks by printing up ridiculous signs that contain a small notice such as DO NOT REMOVE THIS SIGN UNDER PENALTY OF LAW, accompanied by a random signature.
This one is useful for school cafeterias, Starbucks, etc.
This is a fail-safe method for keeping people out of rooms while you’re making mischief. Asbestos is a building material that can cause severe illness. Adults in particular are afraid of it.
Everyone should know a few signatures. Make up a few funny names like “I.P. Freely” or “Bea O’Problem,” then practice signing them, getting the hang of signing a name that’s not your own. Use one of these ridiculous signatures whenever you’re asked to sign something ridiculous, like a wedding guest book or school petition.
See how many of these you can hang up before they start taking them down.
Practice writing three funny names, at least ten times each.
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E-MAIL ACCOUNTS
Every good prankster has two or three e-mail accounts (see Top Three Free Online E-Mail Services for a list of providers). They’re easy to create using free online e-mail services, and they’re easy to abandon.
When you prank people by e-mail, you have a digital record of what happened. It’s like a court transcript. Your prank lives on forever.
Prank e-mail accounts come in handy when you begin pranking companies, or when you need to send a prank e-mail to the president or the prime minister of England. Definitely write your rabbi from the prank account, assuming your rabbi can take the joke.
Prank e-mail is very difficult to trace, but you should always exercise caution and common sense to make sure you don’t get caught. Check prank accounts only when you think you might have mail, and avoid logging in otherwise. Don’t leave a trail. Use the Firefox web browser instead of Internet Explorer, and “Clear Private Data” at the end of each session (Ctrl+Shift+Del), which will erase your history.
Do not forward prank e-mails to your primary e-mail account. It’s too easy to accidentally respond from your central e-mail account, revealing your true identity. This can be disastrous.
It is best to memorize all passwords instead of writing them down.
TOP THREE FREE ONLINE E-MAIL SERVICES
1. Gmail (www.gmail.com)
2. AIM Mail (webmail.aol.com)
3. Yahoo Mail (mail.yahoo.com)
PRANK PHONE CALLS
“Moe’s Bar and Grill.”
“Is Seymour there?”
“Who?”
“First name Seymour. Last name Butz.”
“Just a sec, I’ll check. HEY, EVERYBODY! Is there a BUTZ here? A Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody, I WANNA SEYMOUR BUTZ!”
While Bart Simpson is the most well-known prank phone caller of our time, he comes from a long and proud line of pranksters, dating back to Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone (see History’s First Phone Call: A Prank?).
Prank calls (also called “crank calls,” “phony phone calls,” or “wind-ups” if you live in England) are fun because the person on the other side of the phone can’t see your face, so they can’t tell that you and your partner are laughing to the point of near-choking.
THREE RULES OF PRANK PHONE CALLING
RULE #1: Avoid caller ID. Caller ID is the prankster’s worst enemy. When you’re making a mischievous phone call, you don’t want it tracked back to your cell phone or (worse yet) your parents’ house. To “block” caller ID, so your number doesn’t appear on their phone, dial *67 before dialing the number. Note that some people have caller ID block on their phones, which means you will not be able to dial them unless you reveal your number. Don’t call these people.
HOW TO BLOCK CALLER ID
Dial *67, then the number. If you’re trying to call 1-212-555-5555, dial *67-1-212-555-5555 instead.
RULE #2: Memorize a fake phone number. This comes in handy if someone asks you for your number, which happens surprisingly often, especially when you’re pranking radio callin shows. They always think this question will trick you, so be prepared. Let’s say you’re calling a pet shop:
YOU: Gimme some chicken! Gimme some friiiied chicken!
PET STORE OWNER: What? Who is this?
YOU: Bea O’Problem, baby! Call me Bea! I wants me some friiiied chicken!
PET STORE OWNER: Is this a joke? What number are you calling from?
YOU: 617-555-1212.
In this case, your real number was 617-555-2121. Switching around a few numbers, and memorizing the switched number, will let you always give out a fake number with confidence.
If you’re ambitious, you can memorize the number for your local Starbucks, and give this out instead. Be sure to only give fake numbers for places where you’ve received bad service.
A fake number is also useful if some weirdo in a convertible stops you on the street and asks for your phone number. Stay away from weirdos in convertibles.
HISTORY’S FIRST PHONE CALL: A PRANK?
Some experts think the first call may have been a prank call. Alexander Graham Bell, working in his laboratory with his assistant Thomas Watson, had built a machine capable of transmitting sound over a wire, using battery acid to conduct the sound. While Watson was in the other room, listening for sound to be transmitted through the exciting new device, Bell pretended to knock over a beaker of battery acid. The inventor screamed into the phone, “MR. WATSON, COME HERE! I WANT TO SEE YOU!”
Frightened by the sound of the strange new device talking to him, Watson came running as fast as he could, only to find Bell doubled over with laughter. “Why would I have called you Mister Watson?” he chortled. “What are you, royalty? Ha-ha! What a chump!”
Some historians claim this was not a prank phone call, but in fact Bell really did spill battery acid on himself. These historians have no sense of humor.
RULE #3: Don’t be a pest. Most adults are busy, and will not care about a prank phone call or two. It’s not worth their time. When you call them back again and again, they’ll usually get mad, and then they’ll try to catch you. Never return to the scene of a prank.
Be able to explain to a partner the Three Rules of Prank Phone Calling.
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CHARACTER-BASED CALLS
Some phony phone calls are based on a character that you create ahead of time. There are three types of characters:
High-status characters. This is where you try to get authority over the person being pranked. Examples of high-status characters include Army Sergeant and Angry Customer.YOU: I was in your store today, sir, and the fish department stank!
STORE MANAGER: I’m sorry? Who is this?
YOU: I’m a customer who was overwhelmed by the stink of your fish! It smelled like a trash can full of tuna!
STORE MANAGER: Is this a joke?
YOU: A joke?! I would not joke about tuna trash-can stank like I experienced today! Let me speak with your supervisor!
Low-status characters. This is where you act really weak and pathetic, and let the person you’re pranking feel sorry for you. Examples include Mousy Man and Dying Patient.YOU: Ohhh, my nasal passages are burning. I was in your store today and nearly overcome by the stink of your fish department, which is aggravating my fish allergies. [Sneezing, coughing]
STO
RE MANAGER: I’m sorry? Who is this?
YOU: Ohhh, Fnerdly McGee. Oh, my aching, sneezing, dripping nose. Oh, how those fish stank. Kerchoo.
STORE MANAGER: Is this a joke?
YOU: Ohhh, my groin hurts also. One of your fish bit me in the groin.
Deadpan characters. This is where you call and act totally normal, but with an outrageous question or problem. You should completely act like your universe is normal, and theirs is the screwed-up one.YOU: I have an unusual request. I’d like to buy your stinkiest fish.
STORE MANAGER: I’m sorry? Who is this?
YOU: My name is Mike, and I know this sounds strange, but it’s for a science project. Do you think you could do that?
STORE MANAGER: Is this a joke?
YOU: Not a joke at all. What I need you to do is put your face down real close next to each of your fish, and choose the one that smells the stinkiest.
STORE MANAGER: Hmm. Well, okay, hang on ...
YOU: Sniff each one ten or twelve times if you can.
Give your characters names, and practice them with your partner. If they’re funny enough to make you laugh when you’re practicing them over a cell phone, they’ll be funny enough to kill when you’re pulling a prank call.
Try not to practice your character around your family. They’ll think it’s weird.
FAMOUS PRANK PHONE CALLERS
• Jimmy Kimmel
• David Letterman
• Ashton Kutcher
• The Jerky Boys
• Your parents (when they were your age)
Develop a character and practice it with a partner.
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SOUNDBOARDS
Soundboards are a collection of sound files that play on your computer, usually movie quotes from a celebrity. The person on the other end thinks they’re talking to a real person, but you’re actually just playing random quotes from Will Ferrell or Paris Hilton. Nine times out often soundboards just end up confusing the person. But the tenth person will fall for it completely, which is comedy gold.
To find soundboards, just Google “soundboards” for tons of free and hilarious options. These are some of the easiest prank phone calls to make, because you don’t even have to talk!
POPULAR SOUNDBOARD THEMES
Try out a soundboard on your computer or laptop.
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WHAT TO DO IF THEY CALL BACK
Pick up the phone. If you follow the rules above, you should be safe from callbacks. But if they do manage to track you down, make sure you don’t let them get to your voice mail or answering machine. Quickly answer the phone, then quietly stuff it under a pillow. Eventually they’ll hang up. Don’t pick it up again for a long time.
If they continue to call back, make sure you’re prepared with M3 Emergency Soundboards, which are free downloadable sound files that play through your computer speakers, and will usually get rid of even the most stubborn caller. These soundboards are free for all M3 members.
M3 EMERGENCY SOUNDBOARDS
Keep in mind, these emergency soundboards should only be used as a last resort. Practice the Three Rules of Prank Phone Calling (see page 53) at all times.
Download M3 Emergency Soundboards to your computer or laptop at: www.mischiefmakersmanual.com/tools/soundboards/
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REVERSE PRANK PHONE CALLS
Occasionally you get lucky: The phone will ring, and when you answer it, it’s someone who called the wrong number. That’s the best time to make a prank call, because they will never expect it.
You really have to think fast. You need to immediately launch into one of your Characters (see page 56) or a similar comedy routine.
Usually the person will ask to speak with someone (for instance: “Is Bob there?”).
You’ll say, “Who?” because that’s everybody’s natural response to a wrong number.
“Bob,” they’ll say.
“Oh, BOB,” you should say, then put your hand to the phone.
One approach is to call loudly for Bob, again and again, getting more and more frustrated. Then make up some excuse for why Bob can’t come to the phone: “He’s playing with his Barbie collection,” or “Bob can’t come to the phone, he’s got explosive diarrhea.” Always be sure to use the name, this makes it more believable.
Another approach is to wait for a moment, then come back on the phone and pretend to be Bob. The pause while you’re “passing the phone” to Bob can be used to prepare your character.
If, by chance, the person calls you back by hitting *69, then use M3 Emergency Soundboards (page 60).
Have a partner pretend to call you with a “wrong number” call. Improvise the prank conversation that would follow.
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GETTING AWAY WITH STUFF
Unbelievably, there are some days actually set aside for pranking. These days are few and far between, so make sure you begin planning well in advance.
APRIL FOOLS’ DAY
An entire day devoted to pranking and mischief. What were they thinking?
It’s almost too good to be true, but it is, and it comes around once a year. April one. April Fools’ Day is the perfect day for carrying out really ambitious mischief (see Experts Only, page 181).
How kids in France celebrate April Fools’ Day
It is not just your right, it is your duty to prank on April 1.
In Scotland, April Fools’ Day was once known as Hunting the Gowk, which means “hunting the cuckoo,” or “hunting for an easy target to prank.”
In France, April Fools’ Day is called poisson d’avril (literally “April fish”), and the big joke is to try to stick a paper fish onto your victim’s back without being noticed.
In Denmark, they celebrate April Fools’ Day on April 1, and an identical day called Maj-kat on May 1. Danish kids get double the pranks!
HALLOWEEN
Though not as widely recognized as April Fools’ Day, Halloween is still a well-known night for pranking. Follow the Prankster’s Code (page 21), and you will greatly improve your chances of staying out of trouble.
Pumpkin pranks. One sad Halloween tradition is to smash a pumpkin, an act of vandalism from which the band Smashing Pumpkins gets its name. Smashing pumpkins is acceptable if you use a Catapult (page 151) and your own pumpkin. Otherwise look for more creative pumpkin pranks (see The Roaming Gnome, page 192, or Suds Mountain, page 232). Don’t Damage, Deface, or Destroy (page 23).
Toilet paper pranks. Less-talented pranksters will sometimes toilet-paper someone’s yard (also known as “TPing someone’s yard”), by throwing rolls of toilet paper into trees and bushes because it looks bad and is difficult to clean up. Why not be creative instead? Why not fill their entire car with wadded-up toilet paper? The shock the next morning is just as great, but the car is easier to clean up.
Smashing pumpkins using a catapult
Costume pranks. Halloween costumes provide interesting opportunities for pranking (see Crazy Costume, page 46). One costume stunt is to dress up like a scarecrow and then sit on your porch, very still. It helps if you have a rocking chair or some other seat you can flop into, so you look more like a scarecrow. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, you leap up and shout, “Boo!” and they wet their pants.
Ring the doorbell and run. Instead of saying “trick or treat,” you ring the doorbell, then tear off. This one’s pretty much a classic.
LAST DAY OF SCHOOL
The last day of school is very dangerous for adults, and very good for kids. The balance of power shifts completely. Everybody knows that once that bell rings, you’re leaving, maybe for good. You’re out of there like a millionaire. In the words of the great poet Alice Cooper, “School’s out for summer.”
On the last day of school, they can’t catch you. What are they going to make you do, come back and repeat the last day? The teachers want out of there as badly as you do, probably worse. They j
ust want to relax by the pool for three months, and get you monsters out of their hair.
That’s why, as soon as the bell rings, it’s like an invisible cloak of invincibility falls down around you. You are free to create masterful mountains of mind-blowing mischief.
Just be sure to get out of there as quickly as possible. You don’t want to have to repeat seventh grade.
Memorize the three holidays of pranking: April Fools’ Day (April 1), Halloween (October 31), and the last day of school (you’ll have to look it up).
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PRANK RANK ACHIEVED!
Congratulations, young prankster. Completing all the exercises in the previous section means that you have now mastered the second level of mischief. You have earned the title of First-Class Mischief Maker.
Visit www.mischiefmakersmanual.com to track progress and download badge.
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In the next section, you will learn how to pull off prank moves, or simple stunts using low-cost items you probably already have lying around the house. These are the building blocks of more complicated pranks, so learn them well, grasshopper. You have learned much, but much there still is to learn.
Sir John Hargrave's Mischief Maker's Manual Page 3
