by R. H. Vesely
Pat was not from a poor background but had been cut off by his father as a result of this ambivalent approach to his studies and frankly life in general but probably mostly because of what he had done with Kelley. That brutal event that had plunged Pat in to the slough of ambivalence and from which he was still incapable of recovering. The last time he and his father had had the mandatory phone conversation his modest monthly support had quickly come to an end.
"Do you enjoy being a slob and wasting your time and my money?"
"Not sure if enjoy is the right word, but actually, for the moment, it is not so bad."
But as noted, Pat was generally not this stupid. He was aware the toll his present lifestyle was taking on his sense of self worth but remained mired in his ambivalence. It was really not that bad in a way. He had good friends, plenty of drugs and alcohol, an excellent bridge game and women when he was so inclined. Lately however, he had been mostly inclined to alcohol and weed. Basically what more could a twentyone year old want but on some level, he knew he was really just wasting time. His friends were not exactly killing themselves academically but no one was close to Pat's lack of caring. So far he had managed to schedule classes at the same time by feigning health problems in one and constant subtle lateness in the other. He had managed to stretch New York City and Boston weekends by having all of his sisters and sundry relatives fall ill or get married. Not one of them had in fact done either but since running a fake drivers license business in high school, Pat had become rather expert at forging documents and letters. He was admired and sought after for these skills by his classmates but as with everything else, Pat didn't give a shit anymore.
If you asked Pat, he would tell you his most noteworthy accomplishment so far at university was not forgery but his conquest of the athletic department. For while generally ambivalent, Pat still maintained a powerful anti authoritarian streak.
While there was a general three unexcused misses and you fail university policy, there were known academic folk who largely ignored this, which helped enormously with course selection. However, the Athletic Department was a solid phalanx of whistle blowing drill sergeants. Even his hopes for the night time karate class had proved unavailing as the Sense tolerated nothing. Therefor, as a result of his manifold absences, Pat had been placed in an early morning class with the physically challenged. Those unfortunate individuals of pear shaped bodies who through little fault of their own could barely run a lap let alone do push ups and sit ups.
The Athletic Department's brilliant answer to this was to make these poor fruit shaped young men run around the gym in circles while "Drop, give me ten pushups - Drop give me ten sit ups." was yelled out by their whistle blowing "coach". These commands would inevitably be followed by one of the fruit shaped line being mercilessly belittled as he struggled unavailingly on his second sit up. For Pat this was easy because he had always stayed in shape playing tennis, racquetball, golf, skiing, swimming and weightlifting among others. But the classes stupidity and its early hour and intrusion on his sleep were not welcome. He never scheduled a class before ten and this fiasco started at eight.
Pat was good at Bridge largely because he loved complex games that forced his brain to be somewhere else than in itself. To Pat the Athletic Department and its rules presented a complex game, a battle against what he perceived as mindless authority. First he tested the instructor, Lou, who was really not a bad sort and thought he could perhaps cajole him into flexibility given the fact that Pat certainly did not fit in or need this remedial torturing. On this Coach Lou agreed, but he took particular delight in telling Pat that perhaps he should have thought of this when he was "ditching" his karate and skiing classes. "You dance to the tune you pay the piper Bailey boy." For some reason saying "Bailey boy" seemed to give Coach Lou great pleasure. Dead end, so Pat studied the problem.
There were roughly thirty unfortunates in this class and Lou took even greater joy in humiliating those who fell winded and sweating profusely after the first ten minutes. Second, the sole record of attendance was a simple clip board that each student was to check as they entered. Because of the honor system, Pat could not in good conscience ask one of the others to check him off because if discovered, the outcome would likely be their death as Coach Lou smilingly whistled them into cardiac arrest.
But the clip board might just be the thing. He had tried this with skiing but the board was kept in the ski chalet by an adjunct faculty ski bum who, despite being willing to share in Pat's weed, took his role of attendance warden way too seriously. Pat had thought of using the smoking as leverage but this was unconscionable to Pat, you did not turn good to bad and the guy was otherwise fun to hang out with.
Ah, but the normal class clip boards were kept in the main office with the secretary. He was pissed he had not thought of this earlier. While the single special classes like Karate and skiing were kept by the instructor till the end of the semester, the regular classes were kept in the office because the full time martinets had many different classes. Now Pat had had the good fortune to meet the Athletic Department's secretary, Betsy, at the University Inn bar during homecoming weekend. She was an attractive older woman, in her mid to late twenties, and they had flirted quite a bit while Pat was avoiding some "inane" homecoming event. He had actually given her some serious thought and imagined a wild older woman sexcapade in town but his ambivalence as usual won out.
But now Pat had the specter of be whistled early morning Coach Lou for impetus. So Pat determined when Betsy would be alone in the office and began paying her regular visits "just to chat and see how life was going with her." Surprisingly to him, by the second visit, he was freely checking his attendance off on the clip board and since Betsy, "Bets", informed him that she was the one who compiled the final clip board attendances, he was likely to get away with it. However, if caught, he was sworn to take all blame and confess he did it behind her back. "More than fair Bets, I will gladly take all blame. It's one of my more refined skills." Surprisingly, it worked, Coach Lou, not being the brightest bulb and having at least six other clip board responsibilities, never noticed. Pat always thought it was because it afforded Coach Lou more time to belittle the others, making Pat's absence unconsciously welcome but who knew or cared, it worked.
Further, as an added benefit Pat got to have a wonderful affair with Bets in town and thus away from the grinding sameness of the University campus. On top of this, she turned out to be not only a great lover but she also loved to feed and coddle him. Given the brutal winters, he was truly blessed to have someone to nurse him through colds and then tie him to bedposts and ravage him, of course not at the same time, though at times they were both a little impatient for recovery. But possibly the best thing this relationship did for Pat was give him time to think, away from his personal University quagmire.
Oddly enough, he attended more classes during this time, largely because he did not feel the need to hit New York or Boston for energy relief and even managed to end his mutually self destructive relationships with what he referred to as the women of the city. So Pat now had the time to take stock and try to figure out where life was going.
Betsy had recently returned from a University employee's retreat where as part of one session they were asked to list their qualities and evaluate honestly how these interacted with their work and life goals. Cynical as ever, Pat saw this as an attempt by the university, as employer, to manipulate their workers and insinuate themselves into the workers' lives. Betsy said she found it very personally revealing and as a result was taking more classes so she could hopefully get a job where she could use her brain. On this Pat heartily agreed since he had been saying the same thing to her. She was not just an incredibly warm and nice person but as he constantly told her she was "damn smart, probably smarter than a lot of the professors at the university". So Pat ultimately gave in to Betsy's daring him to try it and her jokingly telling him he was afraid what he might find out.
Here is what Pat knew or at le
ast thought he knew about himself.
He really liked being with women and not just in a biblical sense.
He was smart.
He was well read.
He attended, if only occasionally, a fairly prestigious University.
He was decent looking.
He loved to dance.
He played a decent game of golf and tennis and his skiing was functional.
He liked to drink and knew his beers and liquors.
He dressed up reasonably well in suits and tuxes.
He conversed well with adults on almost any topic.
He had reasonable social graces.
He did not really want to work hard at University.
He did not really want to get some corporate, legal or any job where he would work his way up to some position of power and money but he wanted a basically comfortable life that afforded him time and money to do the preceding points of his list.
Even Pat recognized there was a basic problem with this resume of skills and qualities. One through twelve set him up to be the basic American success story of those born into the upper-middle class. Ah, but unlucky number thirteen put the kibosh on what otherwise would have been a smooth pathway. "Hon, the problem with this list is that in order of importance as the Bible says the last shall be first. But who knows maybe I will 'mature'."
"Babe, I think I know you well enough by now to say that I personally would not put any money on it."
"You are not lazy, hell you read and think more than anybody I have ever been with and this includes University profs. The way I see your problem is while you are sort of interested in everything, at the same time, you don't truly give a shit about anything. Couple this with your hating anything to do with authority and you got problems babe."
"God Bets, thanks for this fucking insight. Now I can get seriously depressed for a reason. This reminds me of those tests they gave when I first came to this place. They were supposed to predict our likelihood of success at the university. I had that nice old fart in the geography department as my adviser. When I met with him to go over it, the poor guy just kept going "ok well lets just see what it says in this area" then he would pause and say "well lets look at another area" each time followed by a long "hmmmmm". I finally felt bad for the old guy and just said don't worry about it, it's just possibilities not written in stone."
"Not to make you feel bad Pat, but sounds as if it was pretty accurate."
"No shit."
In - Again remember we are just looking for possibles and keep an open mind.
Ia -Have you completely lost your mind. That's Pat! Is this all some sort of sick game on your part to get me into version two of your Pat Kelley fiasco.
In - Open mind my friend, we are still early on, not even close to going in.
Ia - Ok well this one looks pretty straight forward to me if there is anyone. To me Pat is a shell of his former self and I just don't see him pulling it back together. I mean look at the test. The man has given up. There are thirteen things listed here and not one of them has anything to do with being deeply connected to another human being. Actually if it weren't for number thirteen, he would fit the bill I was talking about earlier, making it easy on yourself. No definitely not him, he is too god damn self absorbed for what you are talking about. He seems to be better with Betsy but still not much there.
Its odd I feel actually really sad to see how far he has dropped, really sad.
Now Betsy, she has possibilities. My guess is she likes him way more than he will ever be capable of receiving, so if she finds some other guy, I could see how she may play into your equation. Yep, If there is anyone here, I am going with Betsy.
Chapter 10
Sarah and Randy had been together for over two years. They had a very comfortable relationship. One which was the envy of their friends. Sarah had a good job as a design consultant for group of publications. She had risen rapidly in her field due to her very direct, analytical and professional approach to her work. Though young, she was known as a no nonsense person who could get things done well and rapidly. The president of the company liked her because as he said "she tolerates no bullshit." She loved her work. Randy was also successfully employed as a computer technology person for a medium sized company. As such, his job did not require him to be someone who tolerated no bullshit. Its main requirement other than knowing computers was to be kind and helpful to those who didn't know anything about computers as he solved their technical problems. This requirement suited his personality well, though Randy did not love his work. He just didn't hate it. Together they shared an apartment in a beautiful old building with rich woodwork and crank open leaded glass windows. Their home was always perfectly organized but relatively soulless. It was in someway an extension of their relationship.
They had met at a club where they had both gone to hear an unknown group that they both loved. From this, they discovered that they both often went to the same bar and laughed about how they had each been looking at the other thinking they looked familiar. They were amazed that they had never met at the bar since they discovered they had mutual friends there. They had actually slept together that first night at Sarah's and in the morning Randy prepared them a fabulous breakfast of fresh fruit crepes. He loved to cook. Sarah was a bit taken aback and thought to herself, wow not only does he like good music and like to cook but he is good in bed. Randy on the other hand simply thought that Sarah seemed to be such a nice person and very pretty.
Over the course of the next few months, they dated regularly and it gradually went from expected weekends to Randy moving in with Sarah. To Sarah the relationship seemed perfect. She loved his kindness, orderliness and caring. Randy loved her consistency, her success and the comfort they grew to have with each other. Together they had even talked about their feelings about children and the future, though Sarah was always the one to raise the topic. Randy had already been through a brief, very bad marriage where he had been dumped by a woman who decided he was not driven to achieve enough and so she found someone else to fit the bill and told Randy to pack his things. This was likely another reason Randy liked Sarah. She seemed to be happy in being driven enough for the both of them and truly appreciated how he took care of the apartment and was always there when she came back from her frequent business trips.
It was after a return from one of these trips that Sarah noticed that Randy was being strange. Everything on a daily basis seemed to go as usual but his normal warmth was lacking. He did the same things around the apartment but he seemed withdrawn, especially in bed.
"Randy, is something going on, are you seeing someone else?" asked no bullshit Sarah.
Initially Randy didn't answer, he just stared at the book he was reading thinking to himself what the hell do I say. I mean nothing is really going on but ….
Unlike Sarah, Randy was not a person of directness, if possible he tried to avoid emotionally charged situations at all costs.
"No, nothing going on, just feeling mixed up, unsure. I really don't know I guess," he said.
"Well what are you unsure about. Is it your work, something personal, is it us," queried Sarah.
"I guess us," said Randy, "and other things too, I don't know."
Sarah was taken aback. Ok so maybe she was not the greatest at sex, she was very honest and knew this about herself but god they had even talked about kids. What the hell happened here. She sat there stunned trying to figure out the best way to analyze and approach this.
"I really don't think I can talk about this now Sarah. So please let me have time to think about it," said Randy.
"Time for what, I mean what do you need time for, let's talk now," said Sarah.
"Stop, no, not now," said Randy directly.
This force surprised Sarah but to her problems were not waited on, they were addressed and resolved.
"Yes now," she said emphatically.
"No!----- I'm going to go have a beer with Bill," said Randy as he grabbed his coat and left
the apartment.
*******************
"You know I don't know what it is about her. She hit me from the get go. At the time, I had no intention of calling her, but for some reason I just couldn't get her face out of my brain," said Randy.
"Stroh's please Ed," said Randy.
"Not to fuck with you, but I literally have no idea who or what you are talking about," said Bill. "The only thing I mentioned was what a pain in the ass it was to find a place to park."
Randy realized that he had unknowingly translated his inner dialogue into some kind of statement but was unsure of what exactly he had said. He had been sitting here for an hour waiting for Bill and slowly struggling through what was going on within his head.
"Wow, sorry, guess I was thinking out loud," said Randy.
"So who is the she with the face that has launched a thousand thoughts in your befuddled brain," queried Bill.
"Oh, not sure I am up to talking about it yet, still kind of confused," said Randy.
"No way, you cannot lay out a statement like that without at least filling in a name, I mean Jesus -"
"It's Mattie."
"Who?"
"Mattie, you know one of the girls we met a couple weeks ago when you were about to get your ass kicked," said Randy.
Bill paused thinking, "Wait, you mean the young sort of lively one, with thick glasses that was with Kelley and the other two," said Bill.
"That's her."
"So what's the issue here, aren't you still living with Sarah?" said Bill.
"Yeah, well that's part of the problem. Sarah was out of town for a week and well ---"
"Well what?"
"Well Sarah and I have always agreed that it was ok for us to have male and female friends, not in an intimate sense just friends. You know it never made sense to either of us that you should cut off your friends of the opposite sex just because we were together so -"
