Andy smirked and looked at me and shrugged. “I don't know...I thought if I said something, you'll be obligated to say something too....or forgive me for prying." He said throwing my words right back at me from a couple months ago. He bit his fingernail and watched me carefully.
“Oh so you listen when I talk?” I asked surprised.
“I always listen…to everything you’ve said.” Andy remarked. “Besides, didn’t you say you wanted to know everything about me? There you go…that’s a big chunk.”
“Yeah, but you could have eased it on me in sessions or something…”I said honestly. It was really too much to handle. I gave off a small chuckle to try to ease the atmosphere in the air but it wasn’t working.
Andy came over to the chair and knelt in front of me. He touched my thighs gently and looked up at me with a serious expression on his face. “I just told you something, I never told anybody else just so you could trust me.” He whispered.
I swallowed hard as I looked into his big blue unearthly eyes. Why was he doing this to me? Why? I looked past him at the screen rolling the credits.
“What are you scared of? “ He whispered as his hand descended to rub my knee.
“Nothing!” I said pushing his hand away. “This is just dumb, I don’t have a dad okay. You don’t think I’ve looked?” I asked. “Besides, I never asked you to tell me all that…” I tried to steady my beating heart by breathing slowly. I gripped the arm of the chair hoping to God my fear wasn’t as visible on the outside as it was in the dark chamber in the left side of my chest. I’m sorry Andy…I wish I could be that girl who brought you true happiness. Didn’t you know it was only supposed to be superficial…you’re not playing the game right. We have to keep it in and pretend to be happy…key word pretend…you’re fucking it up.
Andy looked up at me quizzically. “So is that a yes, we’ll find your dad?”
I groaned and covered my face. “Do what you want Andy.” I said bleakly. Here was another hole at the heart begging to be formed.
******
I sat in the corner of the shower as the water hit my head and back. I screamed silently into my fists to ease the throbbing underneath my left breast. I remembered everything he told me tonight and I couldn’t stomach it. I couldn’t imagine living with so much pain for so long, with nobody else knowing… Or could I? I took a deep gulp of air, ever so grateful the water was mixing with my endless stream of tears.
“How do you expect me to accept her?” Steven yelled at Giselle. “There’s but so much a man can take.” He said shaking his finger at her.
“I can’t believe for one second you would ask me to put up my own flesh and blood for adoption. She’s seven years old for god sake!” Giselle yelled as she hit Steven’s chest.
“She’s not my flesh and blood!” Steven yelled. “I look at her and I fucking see your adultery.”
I looked at the drawing I forgot to give them at dinner; mom, dad, Cece and I. droplets of water hit it like rain hitting pavements. I crumpled up the paper…why would I even think of giving something like this, it looked like shit even to my young eyes.
**
“Are you fucking crazy?” Steven screamed as he shoved me out the way. I stumbled back and scraped my elbow as he picked up Cece. Her arm was twisted in a weird way and she was screaming like hell.
“Are you trying to kill my daughter?” Steven hollered?
“It was an accident?” I pleaded as I wiped the tears off my face. “I’m sorry…Cece! Cece! Are you okay?”
“Get out of here.” Steven said pushing me aside.
**
“Please God…please make Steven love me. I promise I’ll listen to mom and do all my chores and my homework, I’ll pay attention in Sunday school and eat all my vegetables….oh and I’ll stop ripping the heads off Cece’s dolls. Amen.”
**
“Why won’t you just tell me who he is?” I asked as I slammed the bowl on the counter.
“It’s not important.” Giselle said calmly as she stirred the batter.
“Not important!” I yelled. “Do you hate me that much?”
Giselle sighed. “Stop being so dramatic you know that’s not true.”
“Maybe you’re wrong and he wanted to know about me. Maybe he would have been a great father, maybe I would have had a dad who loved me.” I said passionately.
“I love you, that’s all you need.” Giselle replied.
I stared at my mom in despair. “No, it’s not.” I whispered.
*******
“Ms. Jones…class let out 5 minutes ago.”
I snapped out of whatever trance I was and looked around the classroom. There was nobody left. I looked up at the person who’d addressed me.
Dr. Honsu caressed his goatee as he came from behind his desk and sat on it. “Are you okay?” He asked crossing his arms across his chest.
I nodded rapidly and smiled. “Yeah…sorry, I was just…I zoned out.”
“You’ve been unusually quiet in class…are you sure?” He asked again.
I was on the verge of nodding again but then something made me stop. “I’ve….” I looked down at my desk and shrugged. “I’ve just had a lot on my mind lately.”
“Aha!” Dr. Honsu said clapping. “I know the perfect thing.”
I looked at him confusion.
He went behind his desk and took out a big book. He motioned for me to come forward. I meekly went up to his desk.
“Whenever I feel like shit.” He said smiling up at me gently. “The Family of Man curated by the great Edward Steichen is the book to read.” He said lifting it and handing it to me. “The pictures will blow you away.”
My heart jumped as I looked into his dark eyes. “I can’t…”
“Take it.” He said placing it in my hands. “When you’re finished you can give it back, no hurry I have two copies.”
“Dr. Honsu…” I said running my hands over the cover.
“I’m biased…you’re my favorite student.” He said sitting back down at his desk. “I think you might need a little motivation because the last scrap you gave me looked like shit.” He said pulling out my portfolio. “I’ve seen ten times better from you.” He handed it to me.
I nodded, hating the fact he was disappointed in me.
“Drop it off again on Friday before you leave for Winter break, with pictures I know will astound me.” He said.
My face broke out in a smile. “Thank you…thank you so much, I will.” I said almost squealing.
Dr. Honsu smiled and motioned me out of his class. “See you next semester Ms. Jones.”
“You too Dr. Honsu.” I said happily as I backed out. “I’m also taking your elective class…I’m you biggest fan, I won’t disappoint.”
Dr. Honsu shook his head and chuckled. “Bye Ms. Jones.” As soon as she left the classroom. Guy Honsu wondered what he had wanted to do.
“Ah yes.” He said pulling out his laptop. He went through his albums until he landed on Penn State class of ’89. He quickly scrolled through his pictures until he landed on one that stood out. Guy Honsu knew he never forgot a face. There he was with his best friend and a woman whose resemblance to Ornelia Jones was arresting. Dr. Honsu chuckled. What were the odds of that? 20 some years later in a state not even remotely close to Pennsylvania. His phone vibrated and he put his laptop down.
“Guy honey, just making sure you don’t forget out appointment at 6 today.” His wife said excitedly through the phone.
Guy Honsu chuckled as he looked at his watch. “I have time, I’ll be there Yuri sweetheart…besides I have something interesting to tell you.” He said.
******
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I walked out the classroom.
“That’s how we greet people now?” Zeus asked surprised. “Why were you so late in getting out?”
“I was talking to my teacher.” I said holding my new book across my chest.
Zeus nodded and gave me a small smile. “L
ook O.J., I don’t want us to end like this?” He said propping himself against the wall.
“End like what?” I asked confused.
“Uh…I mean are we cool…I…” Zeus asked confused.
I laughed and playfully punched his biceps. “We’re fine Zeus, as long as you don’t hate me I’m cool, we’re friends right?” I said pulling him into a hug.
Zeus wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. It felt weird…it felt…it felt like cheating. “That’s good because I was thinking maybe…” he whispered softly in my ear. His lips brushed my ear. “…we could go out for that second date.”
Why are you not pulling away? I asked myself. I should…I should pull away…
“Hey are you ready?” Another more than familiar voice asked.
I finally let go of Zeus and turned to face Andy. I didn’t even hear him walk up. His face was expressionless and as usual his hands were shoved in his pockets. He had his headphones around his neck. A black beanie on his head, a black ACDC shirt, dark grey skinnies and worn out black Chuck Taylors.
“Yeah.” I said quickly for the first time feeling uncomfortable. “I was just…Zeus…was…”
Zeus held on to his book bag strap and gave Andy a quick glare. “Hey think about what I said babes.” He said nodding at me. He turned and brushed past Andy. Their heads turned at the same time and they both stared at each other but neither said a single word. Zeus adjusted his book bag and walked away.
Andy looked at the ground and then slowly looked up at me.
I hurried over to his side. “Let’s go…are the others already there?” I asked.
He nodded without saying anything. He turned around and walked away. I actually had to walk a little faster than usually to keep up with him. “Hey slow down.” I said. Andy didn’t change his pace. I put my book in my purse and jogged up to grab his arm. “Hey I didn’t do anything.” I said rapidly in an attempt to catch my breath.
“Did I say you did something?” Andy asked calmly. His blue eyes looked at me so coolly I was tempted to take a step back.
“No.” I said.
“Feeling guilty?” he asked in the same chilled tone.
“No!” I said quickly, a little too quickly.
“Cool.” He said shrugging and continuing his walk.
I stared at the empty spot he was just in actually disappointed in some way in the exchange that just happened. I turned to watch him strut away calmly. Hands shoved in pockets, head down and headphones back on. I got an instant flashback to the very first time I ever spoke to him. My chest did a giddy flutter and I ran after him. “Hey!” I yelled. “Hey you!” I said louder as I pulled his headphones off.
Andy gave me an annoyed look. “What the fuck I’m not deaf.” He said putting his headphones back around his neck. I smiled dumbly at him. Andy rolled his eyes at me. He grabbed my hand and entwined our fingers. He put his headphones back on and continued the walk to his truck.
I followed a step or two behind as I watched how our hands fit perfectly together. What was this calm peaceful surrender?
Chapter nineteen
“I’m so sorry, I’m late.” I apologizes to the group as soon as we rushed up the stairs to the studio. Andy was right behind me carrying my equipment. Reaching the top step, I looked around the studio they’d reserved for their shoot. Whoever picked the place had awesome taste. It was big, spacious, and different colored walls and was just plain out badass. I nodded in approval as Andy made it up the stairs and stood next to me.
“Isn’t it typical of your people to be late?” A more than familiar voice said coyly.
I rolled my eyes before landing them on Bernard the giant as he dealt a hand of cards.
“Oh hey Bernard…fancy seeing you here.” I said dryly. I swore this kid tried to push every button push-able whenever I came around. One of these days, I tell you, Bernard and I are going to have it out.
“Don’t mind him.” The guy next to him with his back to me said. He turned his head to me and smiled. Oh it was him, that handsome, handsome man. “Don’t worry about it.” The sexy bassist said standing up. He lifted up his tattooed arms and ran his hands through his long black hair. He threw his cards in Bernard’s face. “Give me your money.” He said calmly.
“The fuck?” Bernard said looking at Jared’s hand. “You had to be cheating man.” He complained.
Jared smiled and winked at me. I swear I melted slowly and blushed. I clasped my hands together nervously. “Andy called us earlier and said you were running late…something about you had a last minute meeting with your teacher.”
All I could do was smile, I don’t think I had any abilities to use my vocal cord. Wait a minute, when did Andy call? I was with him the whole time, he didn’t once use his phone…that means he must of called right before I saw him…shit so he had been standing there for a long time when I was with Zeus. I was reluctant to turn to face him.
“Close your mouth, you’re drooling.” Andy whispered to me. I quickly brought my hand to my mouth, but there was nothing. Andy gave me a rude nudge with his shoulder as he passed by me. He placed the equipment down in the middle of the room and went to join Bernard, Seth, and Jared at the table. They didn’t even say hi to each other, just a simple nod of acknowledgment.
“Deal me in.” Andy said. Bernard gathered the cards and shuffled them over.
My eyes glanced over at Seth, the extra skinny kid, with the ridiculously long hair that drank poison or so they made it seem. He had on a long red trench coat and leather black gloves. He slowly pulled out a card and put it down. Seth brought up his hand slowly and without looking at me gave me a small wave. I waved back but I knew he couldn’t possibly see me. I looked back at the group something was missing… Christina wasn’t here and neither was Brad…neither was Carly, wasn’t she the manager?
I held my camera as I walked to the middle of the room debating on which wall to use first.
“Ornelia!” I heard an excited voice to my left. I turned around to see my favorite band member rushing up the stairs with a pile of clothes. I smiled and waved at him. Oh Brad, what a darling. I loved the fact that they were going to do wardrobe changes, how legit. I looked over the clothes he was holding and watched him go place them on a couch to the far corner. It was then that my eyes drifted to the tall blond bombshell following him with a look of annoyance on her face.
I looked her over. She had let her blond hair flow down her back freely. Her face was pale but not in an unhealthy way. Her cheeks were rosy and her lips were red. Her eyeliner was on dark and heavy but it only emphasized the beautiful shape of her blue eyes. Damn she was gorgeous. Our eyes made contact. I could tell she was looking me over too. I didn’t see anything judgmental in her eyes, I didn’t know what I was expecting…maybe some jealousy, catfight, attitude, anything but this gradual nod of acceptance that she was directing towards me. She looked away from me and back to Brad.
“Brad shut up, you’re such a nuisance.” Christina said. Her voice was low and smooth.
Brad rolled his eyes at her. “You shut-up.” He retorted.
Christina flung the dress she was holding at him and it landed on his head. She brushed her hands together and walked away. “Fix it.” She said.
“Hey mom said you can’t boss me around, I’m an equal member!” Brad yelled to her back.
Christina walked pass me when and made her way over to the table and dropped her bag on the floor. “Andy.” She said softly. She passed by his chair and ran her hands through his hair and patted his back before she leaned against Jared’s chair.
“Hey Christina.” Andy said not looking up at her. He put a card down and drew from the deck.
Okay, I mean, am I the only one that feels like I just plummeted into some sort of twilight episode. Here was Andy sitting casually next to the girl that fucking helped ruin his life, as she leaned against the guy that saved hers, who was sitting next to the guy who drank poisonous concoctions, who was back to back with a giant
white eye monster. I sighed, the only normal people here where me and Brad. But Brad was only 17, he didn’t have time to be that fucked up yet, but me, what was my excuse? Oh yeah I was fucking Andy. I knelt down and started to unpack my stuff when I heard a chair scrape. I looked up to see that Andy had put his cards down and was headed towards me. “Well I’m ready when you guys are.” I said.
“Just tell us what to do, we’re all yours.” Jared said comfortingly. He seemed to be the spokesperson of the group, or maybe the only person capable of having normal human interactions with other people outside the band.
O.J. Page 39
