There was a knock at the door but I didn’t move. “Ornelia open the door.” Andy said softly. He wiggled the doorknob.
“Go away.” I said numbing my heart.
“I know what this feel like.” Andy said. “When we say we want to be alone, that’s exactly what we don’t want.”
“Don’t worry.” I said. “I won’t inflect any self-harm or attempted suicide…”
“That’s not what…that’s…” Andy stuttered on the other side of the door. I knew I’d just landed him a low blow. It was a cheap shot and I knew it was going to sting. I heard him hit the door once angrily and his footsteps echoed away.
I reached into my pocket and took out the picture of my dad. Even if some things were never meant to be, why did it have to hurt so much? A tear fall down and hit the picture and I wiped it away. I wasn’t going to cry about it. Ever.
********
“Hey guys!” I waved happily as I pulled into the parking lot. I smiled brightly as I parked my car.
“Ornelia!” Brad shouted as his face lit up.
Andy looked up in confusion as he walked over to me. “I was going to come get you before we left.” He said softly.
I smiled as I waved it away. “It’s fine. I was up early and packed so I’m just ready to go.” I said beaming. I couldn’t wait for this trip.
Andy placed his hand gently on my lower back. “You okay?” He whispered. He rubbed my back and kissed my cheek.
I nodded. “I’m fine.” I said as I stepped away from him. I opened the car door and took out the three boxes of Dunkin Donuts. “I brought breakfast!” I said happily.
“Oh you’re the best!” Brad said running up to me and kissing my cheek. I laughed as I hugged him awkwardly while holding the boxes.
“Glad you decided to come.” Jared said patting my back as he came to relieve me of the boxes.
“Wouldn’t miss it for anything.” I said brightly.
I turned to Andy and saw the concern on his face. I looked away and smiled brightly at Seth. He nodded at me in encouragement as he lifted his bottle of water. We all knew it wasn’t water.
Bernard rolled his white eyes at me and Carly gave me a smile, well at least her version of a smile as she walked up to me.
“Thank God you’re here, at least somebody would be able to help me from Christina’s extreme boredom.” Carly said rolling her eyes at her sister who was walking over.
“I heard that.” Christina said narrowing her eyes at her little sister.
“Great so you can understand why I’m never going to be sitting next to you right?” Carly asked smirking.
I laughed at the two sibling rivalry. I thought it was hilarious. They looked almost identical but they were complete opposite. Sometimes it seemed as if the word hatred wasn’t too far off from describing their relationship.
“You can save me a seat next to you.” Brad said winking as he grinned at me.
“Of course.” I answered grinning at him. Everybody reached out to grab some donuts and I realized Andy was standing back leaning against the car not participating. Before I could look away his blue eyes landed on me. He played with his lip ring as he stared at me, not moving, not smiling, peering into my soul.
I walked over to him and nudged his shoulder playfully. “Why the long face?” I asked.
He didn’t answer as he stared at me. My happiness was obviously not rubbing off on him. He sighed and reached over and slipped his hands in mine, lacing our fingers together. I felt his warm breath on my cheek as he leaned towards me. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.” He whispered giving my hand a reassuring squeeze. “You don’t have to pretend---“
I swiftly removed my hand from his. “I’m more than fine.” I said brightly. Andy looked down at his hand that had been holding mine. Seeing the look on his face, I turned my back to him.
“Where do I put my bag?” I asked loudly.
“I’ll get it!” Brad yelled as he stuffed a donut in his mouth. I grinned as I showed him to the trunk of my car and he lifted out my duffel bag. I slammed my trunk down, my eyes briefly resting on Andy who shoved his hands in his pockets angrily. I’ve been taking care of myself long before he came around. I could handle any situation thrown at me. He didn’t need to interfere. I quickly looked away as I saw him turn his head in my direction. I put on a smile. Please stop staring at me like that.
Chapter twenty-four
It would seem like a shocker but it was pretty easy to avoid Andy on the tour for the next 3 days. I also saw that he didn’t try to push me for that matter, instead he was confident in giving me my space. Not that he had much of a choice. If I ever had any dreams or ambitions of being some sort of rock star. I can rest assured with extreme confident that that life is not at all for me. I guess the screaming fans worshipping at your feet can have some sort of appeal, but the hours and hours of practicing before a show, the lack of sleep, the stress, the anxiety, the commotion, was a lot to handle for me particularly.
I noticed how different people on the team recuperated after the first three shows of the tour. Christina put on her headphones and streamed chick flick movies on Netflix saying it helped distract her. Jared went to the very back of the tour bus and listened to old records on his vinyl. I had not taken him for a Frank Sinatra guy at all. Brad took anybody willing out with him to see the cities and play in the arcade. The second day, he’d convinced me to go and I had a blast. He was a great guy to be around when you didn’t want to think of anything. His boisterous personality enabled you to forget whatever was on your mind. I guess that is the reason why I tended to cling to him more during the tour. Seth without a doubt just slept whenever the opportunity presented itself. This kid had only three cycles, drink, sleep and perform. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d seen him eat. In fact he was the only member I had yet to have a full conversation with. Outside of practice, the diva barely opened his mouth. My precious Andy as usual wrote away on the journal I’d given him for Christmas. It warmed my heart that he actually used it. When I asked him what for, he said, life, songs, thoughts…anything that came to mind. To my utter surprise I became practically buddy, buddy with Bernard and Carly since we weren’t in the band. Bernard surprised me by actually being nice and telling me I was his favorite person. That scenario was a little off putting, because I was pretty sure I was on Bernard’s least favorite list.
It got me thinking with the way the whole band was treating me even nicer than usual, that I was sure Andy had said something to them. Nothing was confirmed and nobody said anything about the one thing I was trying to forget. I would find Christina staring at me with a sad look in her eyes when she didn’t think I saw. I would catch her wanting to say something and then stop. I loved Brad to death but I would sometimes feel as though he was going the extra mile just to have me laugh. Jared, Seth and Carly acted the same but the weirdest was Bernard. Especially when one day he randomly told me he saw his father overdose when he was 8. We’d been playing a round of go fish and I didn’t know how to address it. Luckily I didn’t need to when he laughed and said the bastard deserved it. But I knew all about covering pain, and I could see it in his eyes.
Either way it didn’t matter if they knew or not and were just being nice. I had enjoyed myself immensely being right smack in the middle of a band. Joking, eating, partying and signing autographs till the break of dawn. It was awesome saying I was with the band and just flashing my VIP badge. I could see the look of envy on the faces of the die-hard fans as Bernard and Carly and I were always able to walk through. I was surprised that Torn Rose had such a big following. I will give them 2 years to really hit it off and go national and I would be able to say I was there from the beginning.
I smiled as I leaned against the wall. This was the last night of their 5 day tour. Who knew working in showbiz made you forget yourself? Maybe that’s why it was so addictive. I checked my phone and replied yes to Zeus’ text. I would go to his party on Saturday. We should be back ho
me Friday night. I’ll use it as my opportunity to unwind a little, before school restarted. Because even though I held it in very well. I was two steps away from having some sort of mental breakdown. I was mentally exhausted. To recover from that I had to do some extremely stupid shit to forget the bad. I put my phone away and smiled at the commotion backstage as the Torn Rose got ready to go on. The band playing right now was so dark and gruesome, it made the Torn Rose sound like a bunch of Kidz Bop singers. I shook my head at the culture shock.
“Hey!” Carly yelled running up to me. I smiled at her torn panty hose and short white tutu she had on along with the Torn Rose band shirt. “Bernard and I are going to watch the last show in the audience. You wanna come?” she asked. “They’re almost ready to go up!” she had to shout over the loud music
I nodded as I took her thin pale hand. “Yeah!” I answered back. Carly pulled me through the crowd of musicians and producers and managers backstage. I couldn’t remember when everything got so packed, but you could barely think with the noise all around you and that’s exactly how I liked it. No thinking. No feeling. Nothing. Carly jumped and waved frantically as we saw our band on the side, waiting to be called up. A big smile appeared on my face as we hurried over to them.
“Good luck!” I yelled putting two thumbs up.
Brad rushed over and gave me a big hug and twirled me around. “Are you going to scream my name?” He asked. I stared at his heavy eyeliner and his spiked blond hair and grinned.
“I’ll be the loudest person out there as usual.” I reassured him as I gave him another hug. He laughed as he kissed my cheek and did a little dance. I patted his shoulder. This kid was so adorable.
Carly and I went down the line congratulating the musicians and then the band members. I gave Seth and Jared a hug. With Christina my hug lingered a little more. She always looked extremely depressed before she got on stage, I never understood it. She didn’t smile but her hug was tighter than I had intended her to give me.
I finally went up to Andy who was waiting for me. I spread my arms and gave him a hug. “Good luck up there handsome.” I said. I still couldn’t get used to the heavy eyeliner, but it made him weirdly attractive. Andy held my waist as he brought me in for a kiss I wasn’t expecting. I was surprised to meet his cold lip ring and the hunger in the movements of his mouth. I admit we’d barely interacted these past couple days, but to kiss me like that right before a show. I pulled back in surprise.
“I wanna take you somewhere after the show.” He whispered as his lips brushed my cheek.
That would be around 2 or 3 in the morning. I thought. He must have seen the hesitation in my face. “Uh…I…”
“Or did you have something planned with Brad again.” He whispered taking a step back. Now let me say something, Andy was not a jealous guy as far as I was concerned, but right then, the tone of his voice and the way he looked at me…
“I just…” I stammered. “It’ll be late.” I said uncomfortably. I couldn’t be around Andy for a long time. That’s why I was avoiding him. He always seemed to peer into my soul. He always unraveled my deepest darkest secrets with one glance. I didn’t want to break down. I didn’t. I was doing so well. But with Andy around, it always seemed inevitable.
“Yea you’re right.” Andy said taking a step back. I wanted to hug him again but I noticed as he turned his head to Brad who was talking to Seth. He stared at the kid for a full 30 seconds.
“Andy.” I said touching his arm. Don’t do that. Don’t look like that.
“Torn Rose you’re up!” The man yelled frantically.
“Let’s go!” Carly said pulling me. Andy ignored my touch as he turned into his band members. I gave him one final look and then turned and followed Carly out. I needed the distraction.
I guess I don’t need to remind anybody of the intense heat radiating from the dancing bodies surrounding you at every corner of a concert. I believe it’s something you get used to. Something you feed off of. I was merged in between Bernard and Carly as the lights went off and everybody started screaming and chanting Torn Rose. From our view on the balcony I was sure this was the first time I would be able to fully appreciate the concert as a viewer. Seth started his melody on the piano as Christina’s low voice was heard. Immediate silence filled the arena as the main lights shined on her. I smiled as I leaned against the railing. Christina was indeed mesmerizing. Her voice was alluring. And when she sang you couldn’t help but get drawn into the story she was telling. But when the rest of the lights came on and everybody squealed my gaze immediately shifted to the right side of the stage where Andy always stood. Standing there with his black vans, ripped black skinny jeans and Torn Rose shirt, he resembled some sort of god, especially as the white light lit him up from the back. His hair shielded half of his face when he bowed his head to play the guitar. I watched his fingers strumming away gently and confidently. Even though Andy was adamant that the life of a rock star was not for him, he seemed like he belonged. He was so at ease on that stage with the lights flashing as if he owned the world. I brought up my camera and put it to my eye. Looking through my lens I realized this is where he belonged. On that stage with those people, making music and enjoying life. I brought my camera down unable to snap a picture because my hand was trembling too much. It was as if, the more I looked at him, the further he seemed. He was out of reach. I looked away from the stage. Why did I insist on keeping him to myself?
*******
I yawned as everybody piled out of the elevator of the hotel giggling. Carly had worked magic and had rented out the whole floor for us. How she did it, nobody knew. The after party had been insane, the dancing, the drinking, avoiding Andy. I brought my hand up to my head and rubbed my temple as Andy and Bernard hoisted up Brad who was passed out.
Carly slipped a card in my hand and then turned around to help the guys. “If he throws up on me, I swear to God.” She threatened.
“I’ll see you later?” Andy asked sort of a question as he turned around with Brad. I nodded in answer and stepped out of their way as they struggled to go to one of the rooms.
I watched them walk down the hallway and turned to go to my room 1705. I slipped the card in and walked in letting the door slam behind me. I took off my heels and dropped my bag as I immediately made my way to the balcony. The cool breeze felt nice on my hot skin as I leaned against the railing and dropped to the ground. I looked out over the city lights and fast cars zipping by even at 2 in the morning. Leaning my head against one of the bars, I looked up at the crescent moon. Why did everything have to hurt so much? Why wasn’t the numbness working this time? I was so tired. Tired of everything inside. I felt as though I was going to explode.
“Hey.” A soft voice said to my right. I turned to see Christina at her balcony next door, sitting down and leaning against it in the same manner I was. She’d taken off her clothes and had downed a big rolling stones shirt. She looked so fragile and pale sitting outside. She’d been so quite at the after party, almost shy. They had left a little bit before us. We’d assumed they’d went somewhere else. It looks like they just came to the hotel.
“Hey.” I said calmly turning to her. “You guys were so good today. Nice way to end the tour.” I said smiling. “You owned that stage as usual.”
Christina pushed her blond hair back and gave a small smile. She reached behind her and took out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She put a cigarette in between her lips, lit it and took a long drag. “Don’t tell Jared okay.” She said softly. “I told him I was quitting…it’s a congratulatory smoke.” She said.
I nodded in understanding. She stretched the pack out to me and I had to really lean to get a cigarette. I brought it in between my lips as she reached between the bars and lit it for me. We both went back to our positions and sat down looking up at the night sky in silence.
“We killed all the stars.” Christina said remorsefully.
I took a drag as I looked up. Letting the smoke fill my nostrils before le
tting it out. The midnight blue of the sky was beautiful but empty. I shook my head. “When we see them they’re already dead.” I said. “So I guess not seeing them means they’re alive and well.”
Christina smiled and gave off a small laugh. “I like that.”
I inhaled and let out a couple ring of smoke. “Me too.” I admitted.
Silence filled our conversation for a while as we kept our ears tuned to the commotion going on behind the hotel. Apparently some half naked guy was getting beat up by another guy as the woman watched on, not even attempting to break the fight.
“He’s worried about you.” Christina said softly breaking my concentration.
“Who?” I asked, even though I knew perfectly well who she was talking about.
“Andy.” She answered.
I put out the rest of my cigarette and flicked it over the balcony. “He told you?” I asked.
Christina shook her head as she flicked the butt of her cigarette over too. “No…He just keeps asking me what it was like growing up without a dad.” Christina answered. “And then he asks how did I make the pain go away.”
O.J. Page 55
