Kristin visibly relaxed. She even almost smiled. “I’m sure she will.”
I nodded. “Look, about…Friday…”
She held up a hand to stop me. “It was a mistake,” she said quickly. “You took me by surprise. I…I don’t date much and…let’s just say that I was curious. It didn’t mean anything. Really. I’m sorry that I took off the way I did, but I didn’t want to…encourage you or give you the wrong idea. I’m not interested in dating—anyone.” Her eyes met mine. “So really, let’s just forget about it. It’s not a big deal.”
Not a big deal? Was she for real? I almost wanted to reach out and shake her. Or kiss her. I wanted her to admit that it meant something. That was way more than a curious kiss. It was more than casual. It was a kiss full of longing and promise and…dammit. I looked a little closer and that’s when it hit me.
She was scared.
The rapid pulse, the rapid speech…and she was fidgeting.
“I haven’t kissed anyone since…Nick,” she said quietly. “So I guess it was only natural for me to react the way I did.”
“Kristin,” I began just as softly. “I’m honored, then, that it was me that you kissed.” I ran a hand through my hair. “I know that you’re scared.” She made to interrupt but I stopped her. “I’m scared too.”
“You are?” she asked, her eyes wide.
I nodded. “I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’m no saint, Kristin. I usually take a very casual approach to relationships, but I look at you and it doesn’t feel…casual.”
“No. You can’t. It can’t,” she said as she shook her head.
I closed the distance between us and placed a finger under her chin and forced her to look at me. “I want you to look me in the eye right now and tell me that the kiss meant nothing,” I said quietly. “Then tell me that you don’t want me to kiss you again.”
Her eyes went wide first and then they quickly darted down and looked at my lips. It didn’t matter what she said. I had my answer.
“I…” she began and took a step back. “It meant…” The first bell of the day rang and the moment was lost. “I need to go,” she said and quickly turned for the door.
“Kristin,” I called and she looked over her shoulder at me.
“It was a big deal,” I said, but I forced myself not to move toward her. “And it will happen again.”
She fled the room before I could utter another word.
Seven
Kristin
I spent the next week increasingly tempted by Declan.
It sounds ridiculous—since I was a grown woman with a daughter, a career, and a lot more important things to think about than a hot guy.
But I still spent a lot of time thinking about this particular hot guy.
It would have been fine if he’d acted normal—or at least what I considered normal. But, even when he wasn’t talking to me, even when he was all the way down the hall from me, it still felt like he was coming on to me.
I don’t know how the man did it—but, even just glancing my way, he could somehow make me think about sex.
It was very distracting.
I hadn’t had sex since Nick died, so maybe that was part of it. I was a normal woman with a normal sexual appetite, and it hadn’t been fulfilled for a long time. That was probably the explanation for why I couldn’t stop thinking about Declan and why my mind kept slipping down very dangerous paths.
I wasn’t going to be stupid though. I had Lily, so I had to make good decisions—and starting a relationship with a man like Declan would never be a good decision.
I was reminding myself of this again—for the four-hundredth time that week—as I walked toward the office before school to check my box.
Maybe I wouldn’t see Declan today. Maybe I could have a break from resisting his hot eyes and sexy voice.
No such luck.
“Good morning,” he said in that very sexy voice, as he fell in step with me in the hallway.
I took a deep breath and gave him a long-suffering look. “Good morning.” I might have sounded a little prim, but it was one of my only defenses for how he made me feel.
If only I hadn’t kissed him. It would have been so much easier if I hadn’t known what his hands, his lips, his body felt like against mine.
No taking it back now.
He was giving me that half-smile and sidelong look, and I just knew he was thinking about kissing me. Or doing something more.
“You look very teacher-ly today,” he said, a faint edge of laughter in his tone.
I had to fight not to smile back, since his expression was contagious. “What does that mean?” I knew what he meant, since I was wearing one of my teacher-dresses—khaki with a red belt and even an apple pin that Lily had given me on my last birthday. And something in his eyes told me he was thinking about what it would be like to take the dress off me.
“That means you look so neat and proper that I feel compelled to see how hot and wild you are underneath.”
I jerked to a stop and tried to look stern, although his words had conjured up a number of erotic visions that I really didn’t need first thing in the morning. “I’ve told you that’s never going to happen.”
“I’m not prepared to accept that. I won’t make another move on you unless you make it clear you want me to, but I’m not going to stop letting you know I’m interested.”
“You should accept my answer and move on.”
“You were the one who asked what I meant just now. What did you think I’d say?” He’d made no move closer to me and hadn’t raised a hand to touch me, but his eyes never left my face, and they seemed to caress me with knowing entitlement.
It left me breathless. The man must be some sort of sex god to do this to me without even touching me.
“Don’t act like this comes out of nowhere. You knew exactly what I was going to say just now. You wanted to hear it.”
The husky edge to his tone sent a hot shiver down my spine. I knew my cheeks were flushed, but there was nothing I could do about it. It was all I could do to cling to the strap of my bag so I wouldn’t reach out to touch him.
His body seemed to radiate with a sensual energy I could hardly resist as we both stood in the middle of the hall.
“My answer is still no,” I finally managed to say, my voice shakier than I wanted it to be.
He reined in the sexiness a touch as he gave me another dry smile. “Too bad.” He didn’t look discouraged or frustrated. He looked pleased with himself.
It made me very nervous.
I sucked in a deep breath as I made my way into the office, where Rose gave me a cheerful greeting. She greeted Declan as he came in after me, and—when she asked him how things were going—I was able to grab my mail and handouts out of my box and make a dash for the door.
“I’ll see you later,” Declan said, looking over his shoulder at me. The words, the tone, and his expression combined into a kind of promise.
My heart jumped quite irrationally, and I mumbled, “Yeah. See you later, Rose.”
I tried to relax as I returned to my classroom and tried to calm my mind of the day.
One thing was certain. There was no way I was going to let Declan keep me from doing a good job with my class. There were a few times of the day when it was okay to indulge in these fluttery thoughts, but right now was not one of them.
***
After school ended that day, I was heading outside to find Lily, who always lined up with her class until I came to collect her.
I was passing her classroom when I heard voices, so I paused to look inside.
Declan was leaning against his desk, and Lily was sitting on a chair, leaning down and holding her ankle.
I stopped short and watched, since the sight was so unexpected.
“How is it feeling?” Declan asked. He was focused on the girl and hadn’t realized yet I was in the doorway.
“It hurts bad.”
“You twisted it. Sometimes that hurts
bad. The ice will help. Jessileigh and Miss Marks will be back soon with it. But I don’t think your ankle is sprained or anything, so it will probably feel better soon.” His voice was calm and no-nonsense but surprisingly gentle.
“Okay.” She was frowning, but she wasn’t close to tears—so her ankle must not be hurting too badly. My initial swell of worry at my baby being hurt subsided.
I was about to step inside the classroom when Lily said, “Don’t tell Mommy.”
Declan blinked in obvious surprise. “Why shouldn’t I tell your Mommy?”
“I don’t want her to worry about me.”
“She’ll know your ankle isn’t hurt too bad, but it’s her job to worry about you.”
“She worries a lot.”
“How do you know she worries?”
“Because her forehead gets these little lines. Right here.” She gestured between her eyebrows. “When Daddy died, they were always there. Now only sometimes.”
“Well…” He cleared his throat, obviously at a loss for what to say. “She loves you. We sometimes worry about people we love.”
“Oh. Who do you worry about, Mr. Curtis?”
He opened his mouth and then shut it again, and there was the strangest expression on his face. Almost trapped. Almost guilty.
Lily seemed to instinctively know what his expression meant. She parted her lips and stared up at him with big blue eyes. “Don’t you have someone to love, Mr. Curtis?”
For some reason—for no good reason—my throat was suddenly so tight I could barely breathe. The wave of tenderness overwhelmed me, and it wasn’t just directed at Lily.
It was also directed at Declan. The tenderness I felt was for him too.
“Sure I do,” he said, with just a little gruffness. “I have my mom and dad. And I have my buddies.”
“You don’t have a lady?” Lily’s characteristic earnest sweetness was evident, even in the quaint wording.
“No, I don’t.”
“Don’t you want one?”
“I…don’t know.” He looked slightly awkward, but Lily seemed oblivious of this fact.
I wasn’t, though. He seemed vulnerable, somehow. Emotionally vulnerable.
Which I hadn’t really thought was like him.
“What about a little girl?” she asked, still holding onto her ankle. “Do you think you might want to be a daddy?”
“I… Maybe.”
“Oh. My daddy is dead.”
“I know he is, Lily.”
“And my mommy worries a lot.”
“I know she does.”
“She’s a really good mommy.”
“I know she is.” Declan wasn’t looking at Lily now. He was looking at a spot across the room. But there was something on his face that made me absolutely sure that he was thinking about me.
And I just couldn’t take any more. My knot in my throat was almost unbearable, and my vision blurred over with emotion. There was no good reason for me to react like this from overhearing such a little conversation, but I felt close to both of them, like I was connected to both of them—in a way I hadn’t since Nick had died.
I escaped to the bathroom where I went into a stall and suppressed a few silent sobs. I wasn’t really crying. Just an overflow of emotion.
It was silly. No reason for it at all.
All the conversation meant was that Declan was a pretty decent guy, and he was being kind to my daughter. And Lily liked and trusted him.
That was good. And that was all it meant.
***
I’d mostly convinced myself of that fact by the time I stopped by the office the next day at lunch time to ask Rose about the schedule for the Christmas pageant so I knew exactly how many minutes my class had for their parts.
After she gave me a printout of the schedule, she gave me a gleefully curious look. “So what’s going on between you and Declan?” she asked in a low murmur. Chuck’s door was closed and no one else was around, but she obviously didn’t want to be overheard.
“Nothing,” I said, in an equally quiet voice. “There’s nothing going on between us.”
“Don’t give me that. Every day I sense more vibes between the two of you. This morning you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. The guy is obviously crazy about you. When he looks at you, it’s like he wants to eat you alive.” Rose didn’t sound jealous or catty. She seemed genuinely interested and excited.
Since her expression appeared authentic, I didn’t just shut her down. I murmured, “He might be interested, but nothing is going to come from it.”
“Why not? The man is sex on a stick.”
“I need more than sex, Rose.”
“For a real relationship, sure. But who says you need a real relationship with Declan?”
I blinked. “What are you talking about? I’m not going to do anything stupid that might make it difficult for Lily. You know that. I’m just not in the stage of life when I can be casual about relationships.”
“Does he want a relationship?”
“I don’t know. I doubt it. He seems more like a fling kind of guy.”
“So have a fling with him. For God’s sake, Kristin, it’s a once in a lifetime kind of deal. You just know that man knows his way around the bedroom. What’s wrong with a fling? No strings. No messiness afterwards. Just great sex with a man who knows what he’s doing.”
“I told you, I can’t be casual—“
“About relationships, I know. But why does it have to be a relationship. We’re talking about a fling, here. You need some sort of rebound guy after Nick anyway, and this would be perfect. People do it all the time. It wouldn’t have any negative effects on Lily or anyone else. Just enjoy yourself. You deserve it, Kristin.”
For some reason, she was making sense. A lot of sense. I’d only been thinking in relationship-terms about Declan, and obviously that would just be stupid. But a temporary fling. Hot sex with no strings. Was that really so out of the bounds of possibility?
I’m not sure I could have even let it cross my mind if I hadn’t overheard that little conversation the previous day. But, after seeing him like that, he didn’t seem as distant and confident and untouchable as he had before.
I’d never be stupid enough to expect a relationship, but did that mean I couldn’t have anything?
Rose smiled. She was still speaking very softly. “You work so hard, and you’ve had such a hard time for the last couple of years. Why can’t you just have fun? For a little while. What would be so wrong about that?”
Nothing. Now that I was thinking about it, I couldn’t think of anything that would be wrong with that. Declan obviously wanted sex. I wanted it too.
We were both adults. Both willing. We could be honest with each other about it just being a temporary, no-strings thing.
Surely that wouldn’t hurt Lily. Surely I could have something for myself.
“I don’t know,” I said at last, suddenly feeling hot all over at the idea of sex with Declan being a real possibility. “I have to think about it.”
“Don’t think about too much. It defeats the purpose.” Rose was grinning as I walked away, and I tried to push the idea from my mind so I could focus on the rest of the day.
I didn’t entirely succeed.
***
This afternoon was Lily’s time with Nick’s parents, which seemed to be uncannily fortuitous. She would be gone until after dinner. I would be on my own.
I could do anything I wanted.
I said goodbye to her and made sure she got safely off with her grandparents. Then my eyes strayed to where Declan was walking back into the school building.
He’d been standing in the background again, just watching as the cars pulled up to pick up the children. I had no idea why he did that every day, but he did.
It wasn’t something I was going to figure out now. Right now, I had to decide whether to go through with the crazy, naughty idea I couldn’t seem to shake.
I told myself I needed to think ab
out it some more. I just wasn’t an impulsive person. I was a careful person. I didn’t make decisions without thinking them through enough.
I was reminding myself of all of this as I made my way back to my classroom. At least, it was supposed to be my classroom I was returning to.
Instead, I ended up standing in the doorway of Declan’s.
He was in there, bending over to pick up some books from the floor. His tight butt was very nicely displayed in that position.
I swallowed hard, feeling a deep rising of excitement and anxiety both. What was I doing here?
Was I really the kind of person who would do this?
He straightened up and must have realized I was there, since he turned around abruptly. “Hey,” he said, sounding both pleased and surprised. “Don’t just stand in the doorway. Come on in.”
I stepped in, trying to control my breathing and think of something—anything—to say.
“Did I do something wrong?” he asked. “I suppose Lily must have reported on me and you’re here to lecture me.” He didn’t sound annoyed, the way he had a couple of weeks ago when I’d come to see him to find out why he wasn’t teaching very well. From what Lily said, he actually seemed to have gotten a little better, so maybe he was learning.
None of that was on my mind right now, anyway. “No,” I managed to say. “I’m not here to yell at you.”
“Then why are you here?” Something had changed on his face, as if he’d seen something in mine. He stepped closer to me, his eyes lingering on my face, slipping down to my body before returning to meet my gaze again.
I swallowed hard. “I…”
He lifted a hand, like he would touch me, but then intentionally dropped it again. “You said your answer was no.”
“I know I did.” A hot excitement was shuddering through me, blurring my vision, roaring in my ears.
“Is your answer still no?” He eased a little closer until there was just a breath between us, but he still didn’t touch me.
I raised a hand and touched his chest. It felt like another person who was doing this thing. I could hardly believe it was me. “No. I changed my mind.”
He heard a quick intake of breath and felt his body tense. “You changed your mind about what, Kristin?” His voice was careful, and it felt like he was holding himself back.
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