His eyes were closed when I entered the room, so I moved carefully, walking over to the chair next to the bed.
They’d shaved a little of his hair, around where the bandage was. He looked paler than normal, and strangely young with his eyes closed.
He looked vulnerable. Breakable. Human.
He could die. He almost had.
The thought hurt so much I raised a hand to my chest, trying to pull myself together. I hadn’t quite done it when his eyes suddenly opened.
“I’m okay, Kristin,” he said softly. His voice was still hoarse, but it wasn’t nearly as broken as it had been before the ambulance had arrived.
“I know.” I took a shaky breath, telling myself for the hundredth time that my reaction was absolutely ridiculous.
Declan wasn’t dead. And we weren’t a couple.
He reached out toward me and, recognizing what he wanted, I adjusted my arm so he could take my hand. “It’s just a concussion.”
“And broken ribs.”
“I’ve had broken ribs before. They hurt like hell but aren’t the end of the world.”
I nodded, feeling emotion tightening in my throat again.
“Where’s Lily?” he asked, glancing over toward the door before his eyes returned to my face. He was quieter than normal, without his typical charm. I kind of liked it. It felt more real.
But it was also incredibly unsettling.
“With Nick’s parents. She was upset and wanted to come see you, but I didn’t think it was a good idea until I knew what was happening.”
He nodded. “Tell her she can come visit me later on.” His hand shifted until he was stroking my palm with his thumb. “I’m glad you came, though.”
My breath caught in my throat. “Yeah.”
He was looking at me deeply, with an intensity I wasn’t used to. As if he was telling me something with his eyes.
Something I desperately wanted to hear.
And something that caused a rising panic to run through me.
“Kristin,” he murmured.
“Yeah.” My response was brief, a little wobbly. I was holding my breath.
“Is this still a fling?”
“I…I don’t know.”
His lips turned up in a little smile, as if he was pleased by my response. I don’t know why—since I didn’t even know what my response meant.
“Come here,” he said.
“What?”
He lifted a hand toward me. “I can’t move much with these damned ribs, so you have to come here.”
I moved closer, so rattled I was pretty much clueless.
He smiled, his full, warm smile. “You need to lean down farther.” When I just stared in confusion, he added, “Damn it, I want to kiss you and I can’t reach.”
I gave a surprised giggle and leaned down so he could take my head in his hand. Then he lifted his enough to press his mouth against mine.
A shiver of excitement and pleasure and feeling ran through me. I kissed him back, our lips gently brushing against each other.
“That’s better,” he murmured against my mouth.
Smiling, I kissed him again.
I was pretty much completely overwhelmed when a voice from behind me said, “Oops. Bad timing.”
I jerked back and straightened up, my cheeks blazing with embarrassment. When I turned around, I saw two men I’d never seen before standing in the doorway.
They were both well-built and handsome, and they both looked like they could handle themselves really well in a fight. I instinctively knew these must be men who worked with Declan.
“Very bad timing,” Declan said, but he was smiling as he waved the other men in. “What are you guys doing here?”
“We heard you took a little tumble, so we figured we better hurry down to hold your hand.” The man who was slightly taller and who looked a little less rough smiled at me. “But I see you already have that covered.”
Declan gave his friend a good-natured snarl. “Kristin, these are two of my partners in the company. The smart ass is Levi, and the silent, glowering one is Cole.”
I shook hands with both men in turn, still feeling flustered and strangely self-conscious. These men were studying me with a kind of amused interest, as if they were both pleased and surprised by my presence.
“Where’s Seb?”
“He couldn’t get away,” Levi said. “But he said to let him know if you were still breathing.”
Declan laughed and then winced when it evidently hurt his ribs.
I could tell his friends had been genuinely concerned and were relieved that he was okay. I could tell that this was the way they interacted with each other, using humor to express affection. But it still made me a little sick to hear the joke about Declan almost dying.
Nick had died. And there wasn’t anything funny about that.
Suddenly, I stood up. “I better get back to Lily,” I said, trying to sound natural. “I’m glad you’re okay.”
“Thanks.” He met my eyes, and there was that expression again. The soft, purposeful, serious one—as if something important was happening. “Bring her by to see me later this evening, if you can.”
“Okay.” I suddenly needed to get out of here. Right now. Before I collapsed into an emotional puddle. “It was nice to meet you guys.”
“You too,” Cole said, while Levi gave a friendly wave.
I was trembling when I got into the car, and it was a long time before the trembling stopped.
***
After an early supper with her grandparents, I took Lily to the hospital.
She wouldn’t have stopped nagging me if I didn’t, and I thought it was probably better for her to go, so she could see for herself that Declan was okay.
I was ridiculously nervous as we got out of the car, though, and even more nervous when we took the elevator up and walked down the hall.
His friends weren’t in the room when we peeked in, and Declan appeared to be asleep.
“Is he sleeping, Mommy?” Lily asked, in a stage whisper that echoed all the way down the hall.
Declan turned his head and smiled when he saw us. It was his normal small. Warm. Heart-stopping. “If I was, I’d be awake now. Come on in, Lily. I’m glad you came.”
Lily’s face broke into a wide grin, and she hurried over to the bed. “Are you feeling okay, Mr. Curtis? Mommy said your head and your ribs were banged up a little.”
“They are. But I’m feeling a lot better already.” Declan’s eyes shifted up to my face for just a minute—his expression almost hungry—before he returned them to rest on Lily’s face.
“I’m glad you’re okay. You were very brave.”
“Do you think so?”
“Yes, sir. You saved Jessileigh. Everyone says so.”
“Everyone, huh?” He gave a huff of amusement. “I was just doing my job.”
“You’re a better teacher than I thought,” Lily admitted soberly. “I’m sorry I thought you weren’t any good.”
He laughed louder this time. “Well, I’m not the best teacher in the world, but I’m glad I got the chance to get to know you.”
“Me too.” Lily nodded and then looked up at my face. “Mommy is too.”
I gave a little, startled gasp at this sentiment, but Declan met my eyes. “I hope she is.”
I felt another wave of panic, that black tidal wave getting a little closer. I cleared my throat. “Lily, what did you do with your picture for Mr. Curtis?”
She pulled a folded piece of construction paper out of her pocket. It was hopelessly wrinkled. “It’s here. But can I go to the bathroom first?”
“Can’t you hold it?” I asked. I suddenly wanted to get out of this room just as soon as possible, before something happened that might crush me.
“I don’t think so. I’m sorry, Mommy.”
“That’s okay. You can use Mr. Curtis’s bathroom. Let me just check to make sure it’s okay.”
I walked into the connecting bathroom, and it
looked clean and unused, so I helped her with the light and then closed the door.
I returned to the chair next to the bed, feeling anxious and shaky.
“What’s wrong, Kristin?” Declan asked, reaching out for my hand again.
I let him take it because I loved how it felt, no matter how scared it made me. “What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean.” His voice was soft so Lily couldn’t hear in the bathroom. “What are you so worried about?”
I shook my head and started to give a quick dismissal, but I stopped myself. He deserved the truth, so I needed to tell him. “I don’t know. It’s just that everything feels so different now and…”
He was stroking my hand again, maybe because it was the only part of me he could touch. “Everything is different. We can’t pretend this is just a fling.”
The sound of his low, husky voice washed over me, caressing something inside me but at the same time sounding off warning bells.
And the warning bells were too loud to ignore.
I inhaled with a raspy sound. “I know. But I don’t think I can…I don’t know if…”
His brows drew together, and for the first time he looked genuinely worried. “What do you mean? You can’t tell me you don’t feel for me the way I feel for you. We’re in this together.”
“I know.” I turned away. “But today, I was…terrified. If anything happened to you…” The emotions were so strong that I took a minute to compose myself before I continued. “I lost a man once. I can’t live through it again. And, with your job…it’s just too much of a risk.”
I wasn’t even sure I was making sense, but evidently Declan understood me. His whole body froze tensely, and I saw a flash of something pained in his eyes for just a moment. “I can understand how you’d be afraid, but I’m fine. I’m fine. And how can you turn your back on something that could be so good, just out of fear?”
I almost choked. I had to clear my throat. “Sometimes fear is the strongest thing. Sometimes it just is. I’m so sorry, but I can’t. I can’t even try. I can’t live through that again. And I can’t do that to Lily.”
I was on the edge of tears, but I held myself together because I heard the toilet flush from the bathroom.
“Wash your hands,” I called out.
“I am.” Lily sounded faintly offended.
I turned back to Declan, and now he looked stiff, closed up, as if he’d put up his walls of protection. “It’s wrong, Kristin. This is the real thing. Between us. Saying no to it is wrong.”
“Maybe. But it’s the only thing I can say.”
Lily came out then, ending the conversation. And I was desperately relieved because getting out of this room was now the most important thing in the room.
I’d hurt Declan. Really bad. I couldn’t stand it.
And I’d hurt myself too.
But the only other option would be to live with that black tidal wave of grief and catastrophe just waiting to strike.
And that would be so much worse.
“Give Mr. Curtis your picture, sweetie, and then we have to go.”
“Already?”
“I’m sorry, but Mr. Curtis needs his rest.”
Declan didn’t say anything, but he watched as Lily carefully unfold the wrinkled paper. She straightened it out before she lay it on his stomach.
He stared down at the childish picture.
“This is our class,” Lily explained, when he didn’t say anything. She was so sweet and earnest I felt my eyes burning. “This is you. And this is Mommy in the doorway. And this is our Christmas tree. And you see on the chalkboard it says, ‘We are glad you are our teacher, Mr. Curtis.”
I saw suppressed emotion shuddering on Declan’s face as he gazed down, and his hand was just slightly shaky as he took the page. “Thank…you,” he managed to say. “It’s perfect.”
Lily’s face relaxed in relief. “I’m glad. It’s the best picture I’ve ever done, and I wanted to give it to you.”
It was too much—I was about to crumple, and I couldn’t stand to look any longer at the emotion reined in on Declan’s face.
“Okay, Lily. That was really sweet to give it to him. Now let’s let Mr. Curtis rest.”
“Can I see him tomorrow?”
There was no way in hell I was going to take her for another visit. I was going to have to do a lot of explaining.
But it couldn’t be now. Not when the whole world was hurting so much.
“We’ll see. Say goodbye.”
Lily grabbed Declan’s hand and shook it, evidently thinking this was the most appropriate gesture of farewell at her disposal. Then I took her hand as we walked for the door.
I glanced back at Declan one last time over my shoulder. He was watching me go.
“I’m sorry,” I mouthed, as if that would help at all.
And that was it. Lily and I walked out the door.
Twelve
Declan
I never knew that something could hurt so damn much. Not my injuries from the accident—those were fairly minor—but watching Kristin and Lily walk out the door.
And not come back.
A week later and it was still with me. And it still hurt.
I was released from the hospital the next day. I went to the school and met with Chuck first thing. Another substitute—a real one—was brought in to take over my class. I know it sounds crazy, but I was kind of upset about that. Those kids had really gotten to me, and I hated the fact that someone else was in there, someone else was going to make sure they learned all of their lines for the Christmas pageant.
Christ, I was losing it.
He assured me that I hadn’t done any permanent damage to the kids and that they’d easily catch up on anything that I might have missed—or skipped—curriculum-wise. That did little to make me feel better. I already knew that Jessileigh wasn’t in class that day so there was no real reason for me to be there. Her father had kept her home due to the events of the previous day. Smart man.
I wanted to go down the hall and tell the kids goodbye. I wanted to thank them all for being patient with me and for being really good even when I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. And I wanted to see Lily.
After that I wanted to head further down the hall to see Kristin.
In the end, I didn’t do either of those things. I shook Chuck’s hand and thanked him for his help and left.
“Oh, Mr. Curtis,” Rose said as I was walking out of the office. “Are you okay? That was so brave what you did yesterday! We all just couldn’t believe it!”
She was talking a mile a minute, and she looked flustered, but I also knew that she was genuinely concerned and that made me smile. “I’m fine, Rose. Thanks.”
“Should you even be out of the hospital so soon?”
I nodded. “Just a couple of broken ribs and a concussion. I’ve had them both before so I know to be careful.”
She stood there in front of me, her hands grasped and smiled. “Will you be coming back to teach?”
Shit. Chuck hadn’t ratted me out to anyone so no one knew that I wasn’t really a teacher. I shook my head. “No. No, I won’t be back.” And damn if that didn’t choke me up. Before I did something embarrassing—like cry—I leaned in and kissed Rose on the cheek. “Take care of yourself,” I said. And walked out.
Out in the hallway, I stopped. It was literally like I was at a crossroad. If I turned to the left, I was heading down to the classrooms—toward Lily. And Kristin. If I turned around, I could go back into the office and ask Chuck about staying on until Christmas break. But if I turned right, I’d be outside. Away from the school. Away from the kids.
Away from Kristin.
The metal door slammed behind me as I stepped out into the sunlight. But it didn’t warm me. I felt cold. Empty.
This is the way it had to be.
***
“I bet you’re glad to be out of there,” Sebastian said that night at dinner. The guys had all converge
d on me to make sure I was doing all right—healing and whatnot—and to close out the case. “I would’ve paid good money to see you teaching a room full of six-year olds!”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. It was a riot,” I said dryly.
“Oh, come on. Don’t be like that,” Cole said with a grin. “You know you were out of your element there. There’s no shame in admitting that you’re glad to be done with it.”
But the bitch of it was that I wasn’t. I wasn’t glad. Sure, I was glad that Jessileigh was safe, but I still missed the kids. More than I ever thought I would. Me. The guy who pretty much never wanted to be anywhere near a person under the age of twenty-one, and I was missing a group of first graders. It was crazy!
“So I spoke to Mr. Vanderhall, and he said that you took care of having a case against his ex-wife. You were crucial to them being able to press charges,” Levi said, bringing things back to business.
I nodded. “I was able to identify her and the car. It wasn’t a big deal.”
“Hey,” Levi said, “to them, it was a big deal. If you hadn’t been there, that little girl would have been kidnapped or, even worse, badly hurt. You did good, Dec.”
I didn’t feel good. And again, not just physically. I knew that I saved Jessileigh. I knew that I got her out of harm’s way, but to what end? She was most likely never going to forget that moment—the moment her mother tried to run us over or when I essentially threw her out of the way. Thank God Kristin had been standing right there, otherwise I could have been the one to hurt Jess.
Just the thought of that made my stomach clench.
I know that I made fun of this case from the beginning, I bitched about it from the get-go and said that it was a bullshit assignment, but the truth was, it had fucked with my head almost as much as being back in Afghanistan.
“You okay?” Levi asked.
I shook my head. These guys were my best friends, my brothers, if I couldn’t talk to them, I was screwed. “No. I’m not. I’m so fucking not.”
“What’s going on?” Sebastian asked.
Where did I even begin? “I got attached,” I said. “I don’t even know how or when or even why it happened, but I got attached to those kids. I never thought it was even possible and yet…”
Forever Bound Page 12
