by A. O. Peart
“I love you too.” I trace the oval of his beautiful face with my index finger and smile.
He hesitates but only for a second, and then he grins at me that dazzling, crooked smile that I adore. “That was mind-blowing,” he admits.
“Couldn’t agree more.” I pull his face down and claim his mouth with mine.
THIRTEEN
“Drunkenness is simply voluntary insanity.”
Seneca
Since our last date—the one with my culinary experimenting—I’ve been noticing that Colin acts absentminded more often. It’s been four days and now, undeniably, there is more internal struggle going on in his head than ever before. Is this something to do with me? Why won’t he say anything? Are we heading toward breakup? Is what we have together too much for him to bear? This reminds me way too much of my past relationships. I start to worry; really really worry.
Yesterday we had our first fight. A misunderstanding really. But still, we were fighting. I roll my eyes, thinking of it. The whole conflict could have been easily avoided if any of us tried harder. We started to watch some stupid sci-fi movie at his place. I found it so boring that I stood up from the sofa and went to the kitchen to check my phone. Caroline left me a voicemail message. She just wanted us to go out with Ali and Jena sometime soon. Since I’ve met Colin, I’ve been spending all my time with him, and the girls began to complain how rarely the four of us get together.
I called Caroline. I missed her a lot. Jena too. I see Ali everyday at work, and although we don’t have too much time for socializing in the office, it’s still better than nothing. I spent probably over forty minutes on the phone with Caroline, and then texted with Ali and Jena for another half hour or so. When the movie was over, Colin was upset that I was still on the phone. Geez, hold your horses, I’m not your possession, damn it. So from one word to another, and we ended up in a heated fight. I decided to go home to cool off and give him some space to do the same.
But today I didn’t hear from Colin at all. We normally talk and text several times each day, so not hearing from him sets me on edge. I check my phone again, but there is nothing from him. I’m getting really frustrated. Soon I will have to start looking for something to punch.
After work Ali and Caroline arrive in my apartment to hang out for a bit. Jena had to cancel at the last moment, which makes me sad. I haven’t seen her in over two weeks! Ali finally drowns down her beer and gets up. “Let’s go. I want to go to Blue Fin.”
Caroline says she only had breakfast today, so it doesn’t surprise me how fast she gets out of my apartment. I could use a bite to eat too.
The weather is dry, and we decide to walk. Blue Fin Sports Bar is only three blocks away from my place. It takes us no time to get there.
Ali insists on sitting at the bar. “Ash is here.” She points with her chin toward the bar, a smile spreading on her face.
She has the biggest crush on Ashton Duncan, the bartender who’s been working in Blue Fin ever since I remember. He’s finishing up at the UW to earn his law degree. Ash has been always super friendly and kind to us, but nothing else. Ali has tried all kinds of special Ali-charm on him with no success.
“I’m telling you, he’s secretly gay,” Caroline keeps telling her whenever Ali’s face falls as the result of Ash’s none-the-less (but nothing-more-than-that) brotherly demeanor toward her.
‘Bullshit’ is Ali’s standard reply. Caroline shrugs, probably not completely convinced either way, but I agree with Ali. In my opinion, Ash is as straight as they come. But none of us can decipher him; no matter how hard we try.
Caroline and I order appletinis, but Ali can’t decide on her choice of a drink.
Ash puts some yummy-looking concoction in front of her. “This one is on the house,” he announces, and his timid smile melts our hearts.
We hoot in delight.
“Oh, baby girl,” I coo, batting my eyelashes at Ali.
She rolls her eyes at me, and then leans boldly across the bar to say something to Ashton. Her boobs perk up and push up and do whatever boobs do when needed. I watch Ash’s reaction, ready to analyze all his facial expressions and body language. His eyes open just a tad wider, but enough for me to notice. He licks his lips. He actually licks his lips! Oh, this is Ali’s day for sure.
I elbow Caroline. I have a hard time containing my excitement for Ali. Ash presses down another slice of orange onto the rim of Ali’s glass and tells her about his latest sailing trip with his buddies. All her attention is on him. I don’t even need to say anything to Caroline. She just winks at me, and we unobtrusively stand up and turn to walk toward the ladies room.
In the bathroom Caroline and I explode into a heated debate over Ash’s sudden change of heart.
“She’s so going to score tonight,” I announce while powdering my nose and forehead. There are tiny beads of sweat over my lips. I attack them with Kleenex from the box on the counter. My cell phone dings, announcing an arrival of a text: HE ASKED ME OUT!
“Oh. My. God,” I squeal and show Caroline the text from Ali. “Told ya.” I point my finger at my bestie, as if trying to convince her that she had any doubts. Which, I suspect, she did.
Caroline beams. “Good for her. She’s been drooling over that boy for way too long.”
“It’s about damn time,” I agree.
I’m starting to text Ali back, when the bathroom door opens with a bang against the wall, and Ali storms in, a huge grin on her face.
“Woot!” Caroline high-fives Ali.
Ali slaps Caroline’s hand and walks around the bathroom, swinging her hips to the sides. She gestures to us a ‘bring it on’, and we hoot and clap in delight as she continues her catwalk, hands on hips, lips comically pursed.
I cross my arms under my breasts and grin. In my peripheral vision I see Caroline regarding the round landscape of my chest. I turn my head toward her and notice a wistful look on her sweet face. Instinctively, my arms go down to my sides. Caroline chews on her lip, but smiles a little when our eyes meet. Ali is completely unaware of our brief, wordless boob conversation. Damn, Caroline you can’t be serious about those implants.
“So? What’s the plan?” I ask Ali.
“He invited me to have sushi with him at the University Village. He’s off tomorrow night,” Ali says excitedly, pulling a red lipstick out of her small clutch. She applies it, and then runs a matching lip pencil around the contour of her lips, perfecting the look.
Caroline and Ali talk about the food at the Village Sushi, but my thoughts wander to Colin. Why isn’t he calling or texting me? It’s just not like him. That fight last night is not the reason. I can’t believe it would be. So what’s going on?
We go back and order burgers and fries. Caroline and I move to a booth, but Ali stays at the bar and openly flirts with Ash. He seems to be immensely enjoying that. Wow, what a change! I gulp my drink somehow absentmindedly, brooding over Colin, despite Caroline’s chatter. I decide to have a beer.
“Mixing?” Caroline lifts her eyebrows at me.
I sigh and shrug.
“What’s wrong?” She stops chewing and puts her burger down, looking at me.
“I really don’t know. Colin has been acting weird lately. He’s… withdrawn. More than ever.”
“You’re not fighting, are you?” she asks.
“Yeah, we had a fight yesterday, but... I don’t know. He never wants to talk much about what bothers him. But it’s as if life around him halts to a stop, and he steps over some invisible threshold. I think it must be very dark where he goes.”
Caroline sighs. “He’s crazy about you, Nat.”
“I know. I just wish he would talk to me.”
A waitress puts my beer glass in front of me. “There you go.”
“Thanks.” I smile and take a long draw of the amber-colored liquid. It tastes wonderful. I turn to Caroline and lift my glass. “Cheers.”
She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “Slow down. You still have to walk back
home.”
My cell phone dings, announcing a text message. I immediately pick it up from the table, but my face falls. It’s Clair, my book club friend, asking if she can catch a ride with me to our meeting next week. ‘Sure’ I text her back.
I push away my plate, suddenly not able to eat another bite. I finish my beer and get our waitress’s attention. When I order an appletini, Caroline’s eyebrows knit together. She eyes me suspiciously, but I tell her that I’ll be fine. I start to get a buzz, and it helps me lighten up. I’ve been so preoccupied since last night with Colin not calling me, that I welcome this relaxing sensation.
That second appletini goes straight into my head. Caroline talks about her mom’s recent health problems. I can’t concentrate on her words. I punch ‘Where r u?’ on my phone and tap Send button. The text leaves for Colin’s phone with a little swoosh sound.
“I need to go pee,” I tell Caroline, trying to sound sober. I stand up, and my head spins a little. Whoa. Now I have to try to walk sober too. Crap. I manage, but when I’m in the bathroom, the walls sway around me, and I have to steady myself, grabbing onto the sink.
On my way back I glance at Ali. She’s laughing at something Ash says to her while pouring another customer a glass of wine. I’m happy for her. She needs someone better than a sex buddy, no matter what she tells herself.
I collapse into my booth seat and check my phone again. No text back. What the hell? I send another message to him, insisting on a phone call. A moment later he calls me.
“What took you so long?” I try to keep the accusatory tone from my voice. Instead, I slur terribly.
“Natalie? Are you okay? Where are you?” Colin demands.
“I’m in the booth, and you’re not.” I pat the seat next to me.
Caroline rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “I’m taking you home,” she mouths silently, but I ignore her.
I drop the phone by accident and swear. It clunks to the floor and under the table. I try to reach it, but sway and almost fall off the seat. “Fuck,” I complain.
Caroline crawls under the table and retrieves my cell phone. “Seriously, Nat. I haven’t seen you this drunk since your eighteenth birthday. Let’s go home.”
“No!”
“Shhh,” she shushes me.
I press my phone to my ear and whisper severely, “Colin, are you there?”
“Yeeees,” he sounds suspicious. “Why are you whispering? Where are you?”
“Blue F…” I hiccup. “Sorry.”
“Are you drunk?” Colin’s voice instantaneously becomes anxious.
“You need to come here,” I command. Why am I so domineering? Must be the booze.
“Please tell me where you are.” Wow, he’s… alarmed?
I sigh and say, “We are at the Blue Fin. Are you coming?” I try for flirtatious tone but I have a hard time controlling the slur.
“On my way. Stay where you are. Please.” He hangs up. Geez, chill out. Okay, okay. I’m staying here. I hiccup again.
Caroline wants to know if Colin’s coming. If not, she insists on taking me home right away.
I wave her off. “Why is everyone in such a pissy mood?” I shrug.
“I’m not.” Caroline mimics my shrug. “Something wrong with Colin?”
I lean the back of my head back against the booth and exhale slowly through my mouth, deflating my cheeks. “He’s freaked out, I think… I don’t know what got into him.”
“My guess is he doesn’t like you drunk, girlfriend. No more booze for you.” Caroline wipes her hands on a napkin with the Blue Fin’s logo on.
Twenty minutes later I see Colin walk decisively toward me. And he’s not happy. Crap.
FOURTEEN
“Pleasure is nothing else but the intermission of pain.”
John Selden
“Hey, baby.” I try to wave to him, but my hand doesn’t quite obey me. “How did you get here so fast?”
He looks concerned. Wow, I’ve never seen him like this—almost… what? Scared? Damn. Do drunken girlfriends have this effect on him? I feel like giggling, but even in my inebriated state I know this wouldn’t be wise. So I press both of my hands to my mouth to stop from laughing.
“Hi Colin,” Caroline greets him.
“Caroline.” He nods to her, and then pins me down with his piercing stare. “How much did you have to drink?”
“What?” What difference does it make? My head pounds, and I just want to go home. “I think I want to go home now,” I say, although there is no conviction in my voice, so I clear my throat and try again, “yeah, I’m ready.”
“Let me call a cab.” Colin touches my hair, and his eyes get even sadder. He takes his cell out of his jacket pocket.
“Call me if you need anything,” Caroline whispers, grabbing my hand on the table.
“You know I would.” I grin stupidly. “Hey, don’t bring any strange man home,” I slur, and she coughs a short, humorless laugh.
She helps me stand up and hugs me, murmuring in my hair, “Show me just one that’s not strange.”
“You got that right,” I mumble, leaning on her for support. My head spins. Uoh, I detest this feeling.
Colin steadies me with his arm around my waist while finishing up the phone call. “Taxi will be here in a moment,” he tells me. His voice is too quiet. There is something even more weird than ever before going on with him.
“Are you gonna be okay?” Caroline asks.
“Yeah. Mr. Right over there,” I point to Colin, trying to make him smile with my comment, “is takin’ me home.” My slur is obnoxious even to my own ears.
Caroline nods. She didn’t drink much today, thank God. I’m wasted. I was in a good mood, but now I start worry about Colin. Again.
The ride back in the taxi is quiet. I hate that. I hate feeling as if we have nothing to talk about. It has never happened before with Colin. Something is definitely up with him tonight, more than ever. I don’t think I can push it out of my mind like I normally do. Dammit.
I look at him and I see double. I try to swallow, but my mouth is dry.
“Are you okay?” He sounds concerned. His face is gloomy. Why is he unhappy? Because I had one-drink-too-many? Oh, come on, I will be sober soon, so what’s the big deal?
I lean over and put my head on his shoulder. I close my eyes, but my brain jumps onto some crazy merry-go-round, and I have to pry my eyelids open. I’m not feeling too well.
Colin puts his arm around me in that protective gesture that I love.
“Oh, Colin, don’t be upset with me,” I slur.
He kisses the top of my head. “Shhh. I’m taking you home. You need to go straight to bed.”
“Stay with me?” I lift my head off his shoulder to look at him, and I really don’t like what I see. Colin’s not saying anything, just clenching his jaw. I see regret mixed with gloom oozing back from his features. He’s so enraging! What the hell did I do to deserve this? “Colin?”
He closes his eyes and breaths deeply. When he opens them, I see something new—guilt? Resignation? Pain? Well, I still see double, so I can’t be sure how bad this is, but I can feel it too.
“Natalie… don’t.”
“Don’t what?” I whirl to face him. Oh, that was a mistake. The contents of my stomach threaten to surge upward, and I cover my mouth.
“Shit,” he hisses and grabs my chin.
I manage to keep it down, and I tilt my head back against the headrest. Colin touches my clammy forehead, and I welcome the feel of his cool fingers on my skin. The taxi stops, and the cabin light comes on. I assume we arrived at my apartment. Colin pays the driver and gets out. He walks around to open my door, and takes my purse from my hand. He picks me up like a child and carries me toward the building. I wrap my arms around his neck and press my cheek to his shoulder.
He smells so good—like a mixture of some manly cologne with light undertones of soap and his warm skin. I’m getting all mushy inside. If I start crying I would be the biggest
dufus ever. Ugh. Why am I feeling this way? I should be happy, not sappy. Maybe it’s the effect of alcohol? I don’t feel good at all.
“Colin,” I gasp. “I’m… not… doing well. I think… I need to barf.”
He puts me down, right by the door to the apartment building, and I pant, “Not here, for God’s sake. Take me upstairs. Please!”
Without a comment, Colin picks me up again and carries me to the elevator. When we finally get to my apartment door, he puts me down, holds me with my back against him, and takes the keys out from my purse. After locking the door behind us, he carries me to the bathroom. This is perfect timing.
I bend over the toilet. He wraps one arm around me and holds my hair up with his other hand. I retch uncontrollably and wheeze in-between the heaves.
“It’s okay.” I hear Colin’s soft voice. His hand is expertly splayed above my stomach, right below my breasts, with his thumb flat against my sternum. I’m thankful he’s not pressing any lower, or I would puke even more fervently. He definitely knows what he’s doing. I wonder if this comes from past experiences with intoxicated people. And then I scold myself for thinking stupid thoughts.
When I’m done and I just dry heave, Colin wipes my mouth with Kleenex.
“Better?” he sounds imperturbable.
I nod and sigh with relief. “Sorry,” I murmur.
I’m so tired. My eyes keep closing, and I’m not sure how long I will be able to fight this sudden fatigue. He puts toothpaste on my toothbrush and gives it to me. I mumble my thank-yous and obediently brush my teeth.
“I’m taking you to bed,” Colin says quietly.
He picks me up and carries me to my bedroom, where he tucks me under the covers. I close my eyes and immediately drift off.
I wake up and look at the clock. It’s six a.m. Slowly, the events of the night before come back to me. Hells on wheels, did I really get that drunk? What was wrong with me? One fight with Colin, and I run off to drown my problems in booze?
Colin walks in and sits on the bed close to me and handles me a glass of water. “Hey,” he says. He doesn’t smile.
