She set aside her chopsticks, pausing for a moment and then asked shyly, “You are moving to France to be with Philippe, right?”
Kat’s expression betrayed her bewilderment. “That was the plan. I thought it was what I wanted. I do think it’s what I want . . . but I’m starting to feel that I’m making too hasty a decision. I’m worried I’m behaving like a schoolgirl in love instead of being rational and mature.”
Lucy listened intently. “We don’t always have to be rational and mature, you know. And maybe what you’re thinking isn’t rational and mature really is just that, with a slightly different set of parameters. You broke free of old constraints, Kat. You embraced new challenges.”
Katherine rolled her eyes. “I’m in the beating-myself-up process right now, though.”
“You’re my hero, Katherine! Honestly! You’ve opened my eyes to the fact that there’s a lot more of life to be lived at every age. I was feeling kind of stuck and resigned to my life. Now I’m looking at things differently. I’ve even been considering a dating site.”
“Lucy, you’ve always been so serene, so calm. I’ll forever be grateful to you for introducing me to yoga. I’m surprised to hear you say this about yourself.”
Lucy sighed. “Don’t get me wrong. I do feel positive most of the time, and I trust the stars and my charts. But it doesn’t hurt to learn from someone else’s experiences. That’s what you’ve done for me. So thanks, my friend.”
Katherine smiled. “That’s what friendship is all about. I’ve learned that lesson this past year too.”
Lucy’s demeanor became serious. “I will say this, though. If you do decide to come back to Toronto—though I hope for your sake you don’t—the new director I work for has told me he would always be open to talking to you. You left with your research reputation well intact.”
“Thanks for sharing that. It’s nice to know. I loved my job and am kind of surprised that I’m walking away from it. Every once in a while I have a moment of panic at all the changes I’m making in that direction too. You know, making photography my new career. But on the other hand, I’m really excited about it! See what I mean? I’m a mess!”
“Do you think you might change your mind? Maybe we shouldn’t be talking about your house like this.”
Kat shook her head. “Lucy, I’ve committed myself so far into this new world of mine, I can’t pull the plug now. I’m just realizing that it may not be forever. There’s still a lot to be determined. Maybe I am just taking a sabbatical . . . maybe . . .”
Lucy’s eyes widened in surprise. “Go for it, Kat. You’re moving from one life into another. We have a saying: ‘Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.’”
“I think you’re right—I’ve got nothing to lose. It’s still scary, though. I feel like Philippe is my security blanket. When I’m with him, everything is right. Being here without him is causing a lot of concerns to arise within me. I need to know I can do this on my own.”
They returned to talking about the house. Katherine was reluctant to discuss rent, but Lucy assured her it was not a problem with the combined salaries. “Li Mai’s fiancé is doing his residency in China and won’t be here for two more years, so we’ll be good tenants! What do you think?”
“Lucy, you have an innate ability to solve problems,” Katherine said with a chuckle. “I was worried about having to ask you to move out so I could rent the house. Just give me a little time to figure out what I’m doing.”
“It’s in the stars, Katherine, always in the stars, and so is your decision. The right answer will come to you! We don’t need to know right away. Take your time.”
An hour later, Lucy had to get back to work. They made plans for a reunion dinner with Laura from the office and the Hendersons. “Let’s do it next week, and then Philippe can come too. We all want to meet him before you fly off for your new life with him . . . if you’re going to, that is. I’m not going to make that prediction. My lips are sealed.”
“I guess ‘if’ is the operative word right now,” Kat replied. They hugged and headed in different directions.
Noting the traffic gridlock and dodging pedestrians on the crowded Chinatown sidewalk, Katherine nostalgically wished for a narrow cobblestone street.
She pulled her woolen toque from her pocket and jammed it on her head, making sure her ears were well covered. Clouds had hidden the sun, and the day had turned downcast. Rather like my mood, she thought as her final words to Lucy replayed in her head.
Katherine thought Roslyn looked tired, changing Molly’s IV. “Don’t you ever get a day off?”
“Actually, I’ve switched my days so I could be here while Molly is coming out of her deep sleep. I want to be here. She’s been stirring today and breathing well on her own. I think she will be wide awake tomorrow morning.”
Katherine called Nick and gave him the update. “I’m going home now. For whatever reason, I’m really tired and tomorrow could be a long day. I’ll see you at the hospital tomorrow, okay?”
“No worries. I’ve been tied up in meetings all day. I still am. Why don’t you let me have Mo take you home? It’s snowing again out there right now. Say yes.”
She did.
Once in the house, Kat brought in kindling and wood from the back porch and had a blazing fire going in no time. The comforting smell of the crackling logs took her back to her childhood. Sipping a glass of white wine, she settled in her mother’s pink chair and thought how strange it felt to be home and yet simultaneously feel like she wasn’t.
She had changed in the last six months. It was fact. There was much about her that was different from a year ago. But did it mean that she was going to leave everything behind forever?
Sitting in front of the fire, she ate the leftover Chinese food she had brought home without heating it up. Another holdover from my student days, she chuckled to herself as she refilled her wineglass and flipped on the TV to watch the BBC news. Afterward, she took the dishes to the kitchen and turned on the light-jazz radio station. Her thoughts drifted as she tidied up.
The world she was making hers in France was different in so many ways. She longed to be back in Antibes, even after this short time away. There was so much about living there that she loved. But is it just a flirtation? Is Philippe the whole reason for making this move? What would happen if we don’t remain together? Once bitten, twice shy . . .
She knew she wanted to have Philippe here with her, but also she knew she needed to be honest with him about the thoughts she was having. Time. I need more time.
In the few days she had been back in her childhood home, she’d put together collections of small things she wanted to ship to France: books, photos, candlesticks. Nothing of much monetary value, but priceless in her sentimental connection. As the stack of boxes to go to France grew, so did Kat’s doubts.
She retrieved one box and brought it to the living room. It had been a struggle to decide what to do with these particular items. First she took out the book her mother had so carefully handwritten, telling the story of her and Jozsef’s life during the war and how they had survived.
Kat laid her hand lovingly on the cover as sadness rippled through her. She knew she could not open it or read those words again. It was simply too painful. And yet she would be forever thankful that she had read it once.
The details had become part of her psyche in a way she knew she would never forget. The reality of her parents’ stories from the war had first crushed her with sorrow. Eventually, the gift they gave her was empowerment.
Thinking about it now, she made a decision. If and when she was back in Antibes, she was going to encourage Simone to tell her story. Family histories, like the one Elisabeth had reluctantly revealed, needed to be told before they died with the people who had lived them. Families needed to know and pass them on. The world needed to know.
From snippets Simone had let slip during conversations, Katherine knew there was quite a tale to be told.
She decided she would give the book to her nephew Andrew. He had shown how much he cared about their family’s past when he had gone to what was now Ukraine to search for his roots. Memories flooded back to Kat. She recalled her surprise when she made a last-minute decision to go with him from Antibes. She shuddered at the memory of how unbearable that trip to her parents’ village had been for her.
Next she opened a small silk pouch and removed a gold chain from which hung a delicate Star of David. Elisabeth’s mother had pressed the pouch into her daughter’s hand when Elisabeth had been secreted away to the convent that night in 1943. She had instructed Elisabeth to ask the nuns to hide it for her until the war was over. And they had done so.
It had belonged to Katherine’s great-grandmother. Elisabeth told Kat she had never worn it again after the war, but she had always treasured it. Kat knew her mother had not been able to embrace her Jewish faith, or any other, for the rest of her life.
Kat’s fingers slowly traced the pattern. She thought of all it signified and where this necklace had been. She thought about how the Nazis had intended to make it an emblem of shame that had only strengthened its significance.
Slowly, and with deep emotion, she put it around her neck and secured the clasp. I will wear this to honor Anyu and her ancestors—my ancestors.
She knew her niece and nephews would value the other mementos in the box and the stories would live on. That pleased her.
Kat felt a pang of regret that she was childless. There were times in her life when the reality left her feeling empty and bereft. But James had always become mute on the subject, leaving her to work through what felt like grief. It occurred to her now that the love Philippe was giving her filled the void that James had not. The emptiness was gone. She could let it go.
The thought of Philippe’s daughter, Adorée, came to her. They would make a family unit, the three of them. With any luck, that little unit would blossom if Adorée married or had children. Something else to anticipate—if she stayed in France. That “if” apparently was becoming the elephant in the room.
The dying embers of the fire cast a soft, soothing glow and spread warmth into the room. Katherine turned off the lamps and then lay on the couch, drawn into the hypnotic flickering light. Tapestries of childhood moments appeared from the shadows. Swatches of her life and the people in it hung in the air before dissolving into the darkness. Waves of emotion washed over her, but she was determined not to feel sad. There was so much that was good to look forward to. So much to be thankful for.
As much as she mourned the absence of her parents, she felt blessed to have had them for as long as she did. She was acutely aware that this visit home might be her last for a very long time. Or would it? She knew these growing anxieties of hers would have to be shared with Philippe. Her love for him was not in question, but her commitment to living forever in France was becoming an issue.
Lying there, she willed the love and happiness of her life in that house to settle deep in her heart. The past was past. It had shaped her and there was much from it that would stay with her forever.
Once in a while a loud snap and spray of sparks in the hearth startled her, but soon she was asleep where she lay. At some point during the night, a warm throw her mother had crocheted found its way over her. She awoke to the alarm on her phone the next morning, with a slight crick in her neck.
CHAPTER EIGHT
The nurses at the station counseled Katherine when she arrived, giving her careful instructions about not making loud noises or sudden movements near Molly. When she inquired, she was told Roslyn was not in today. A good sign, Kat thought.
“Molly has actually been slowly waking for the past two days, which is why we’ve kept visitors away. Her functions are continuing to return, but it is best to maintain a calm atmosphere around her. We told her you were coming, and we could tell she’s eager to see you.”
The head of Molly’s hospital bed was raised, elevating her to a sitting position. Her eyes were glassy as they met Katherine’s, but soon brightened with recognition.
She smiled and nodded. Katherine hugged her gently, her eyes filled with tears. “Oh, Molly, you’re back!”
Molly suddenly looked confused but said nothing. Katherine felt alarmed and kept talking as she sat beside the bed and held her friend’s hand. Molly gripped hers in return, a veritable vise grip. Katherine could feel her fear.
The nurses had explained that Molly would be frightened upon waking up. “You need to speak to her in short, uncomplicated sentences and probably repeat a few times how she was in an accident. Dr. Primeau was here earlier when she first was alert and he also told her everything. And Father DeCarlo was here as well.”
Kat followed the instructions, hoping to ease Molly’s anxiety. Molly would squeeze her hand from time to time and nod. She seemed to grasp what had happened. Kat felt encouraged that she understood everything, hoping she wasn’t fooling herself.
After a while, she noticed Molly had fallen asleep. Concerned, she told the nurses.
“She’s going to keep doing that for a few more days until all of the drugs are out of her system. Don’t worry, she’s doing well. In fact, we’re going to move her to a private room in the morning.”
Sitting by Molly, Katherine considered how quickly life could change. How, suddenly, what was the norm was not anymore.
Her mind went back to the day James left and how afterward shock had been what she felt most strongly. She remembered how the word “alone” had suddenly come into her consciousness and held a more significant meaning than she ever might have imagined. It wasn’t simply a word to her back then. It had defined her. She’d felt empty, angry, and afraid in her aloneness.
She thought next about the day her mother passed and how that word had come into her thoughts again in a different way. It had defined how she felt without her parents and caused her great sadness.
A sense of being alone had been with her on the day she arrived at the wonderful farmhouse in Provence. That damn word again, she’d thought as she sat on the step and cried that first morning, sad at being on her own in those incredible surroundings.
Yet she also remembered how being alone had become something that gave her strength and courage. Being alone had empowered her to take chances and grow. They were all important progressions in her life.
“Alone.” She startled herself by saying it out loud now. Her reflections continued. She felt proud of the way she’d accepted being alone during those two weeks in Provence. She had learned to savor it. Well, not totally alone, she chuckled, there was Pico.
She couldn’t help smiling as she recalled how that adorable dog had touched her aching heart in the most unexpected ways on that trip. His unconditional happiness at being in her company had helped her begin to live in the moment and be content with herself. It was impossible not to feel happy with his molten-brown eyes fixed on her and his non-stop wagging tail signaling joy with whatever they were doing.
Looking at Molly, she felt a surge of love for her friend . . . her first true friend.
That childhood friendship really didn’t blossom again in adulthood until after James was gone. He had always discouraged it. Why was I so stupid and accepting of his controlling ways? She had asked herself that question many times over during the last year.
And if Molly and I didn’t have this friendship, who would be here with her now? Kat’s heart sank with that thought. It was a sharp reminder of how important it was to have others in your life to help. She felt almost ill for a second at the thought of her friend going through this on her own. There were times when being alone was not a good thing.
That brought her full circle to how life could change so dramatically in a heartbeat. She was glad to be there for Molly, and she would be with her as long as she needed her.
That whole thought process helped her make another decision.
She called James’s cell phone and left a message, thankful for voicemail. “It’s Katherine. I
would like to meet you this afternoon if at all possible. I’m not certain I will have any other time while I’m in town. The cafeteria here at the hospital would work best for me.”
She surprised herself but was glad she’d made the call. There would be no time to think about it and cancel. She was also glad to be getting this over with before Philippe arrived. She wanted nothing to detract from her joy of having him by her side.
Minutes later, Nick appeared in the doorway with Kat’s café mocha and a bag of takeaway from the deli down the street. He set it down and gave Kat a quick hug. She put her fingers to her lips to signal Molly was sleeping.
“You look like you’ve seen a ghost, gorgeous! What’s up?”
“I just arranged to meet James this afternoon.”
“Blimey! That’s your bleedin’ ex, right?”
“The very one,” she replied. “The last time I saw him, he kissed me good-bye in the morning and said he loved me. That was just hours before he left me a note—accompanied by a massive bouquet of roses, I might add—saying he was leaving me for someone else.”
“What a dickhead!”
Kat nodded. “I would agree. I’m a little shocked that I made that call. He left me a message a few days ago saying he wanted to see me. I think it’s the right thing to do.”
“Are you sure? Would you like me to go with you?”
She smiled at his concern. “I’m going to be fine. In fact, I may tell him it was the best thing that ever happened to me . . . because it was.”
Just then, her phone dinged lightly to announce an incoming text. It was from James. “I’ll meet you at the cafeteria entrance at two p.m.”
Nick began unpacking the bags. “Chicken soup with matzoh balls for all of us, especially Molly. I checked with the nurses and she can have the broth, not the balls—all the more for us. And pastrami on rye for the nonpatients. Sound good?”
I Promise You This (Love in Provence Book 3) Page 8
