by H. M. Ward
“That’s true,” Jane says nodding.
“It’s especially true, since the only one of us he really likes is Beth.” She waggles her eyebrows at me, grinning.
“Hey!” I feel my face flush again.
Jane’s pink lips curve into a delicate smile. “We’ll have to figure out a way to thank him.”
“That man is despicable. Will Darcy, corporate overlord and company undertaker by day, all around badass hero by night. He obviously needs his own Bat Signal.” With a giggle from Jane and Mary, we stand and walk out of the bedroom.
Jane and Mary rush past me, leaving me alone with my thoughts to walk down the hall. This is insane. I don’t know what’s come over me. I’m acting like Darcy’s here to see me. He’s probably here to inquire after Dad, and Cameron obviously came to see Jane. I knew Cameron would come, eventually.
As I get closer, I can hear Mother talking animatedly about the wedding. My heart sinks as I wonder what Darcy thinks of me. He doesn’t know Colin’s sexual orientation, and this conversation probably pains him—assuming his feelings in the arcade were genuine.
I don’t see how they could be anything else. I remember the look on his face, the pain in his eyes.
“There she is,” Mother says as I stroll into the sitting area last and close the doors behind me. She sighs contently. “Now we can begin.”
I find a seat next to Mary and feel Darcy’s eyes on the side of my face. He’s sitting awkwardly in a small chaise next to Cameron.
The room stills. Slowly, Cameron rises to his feet. His eyes grow wide, drinking in Jane and her peach-colored, ruffled, silk blouse and matching pants. Her silky hair falls in soft waves around her shoulders.
“Jane,” he breathes, staring at her as if she might disappear.
“Cameron,” Jane’s voice is a whisper. Gone is the bossy tyrant from the hospital. Although she still has more backbone, she’s lost the accompanying sharp tongue. “You shouldn’t be here. We have nothing more to say.”
They stand gazing at each other, for a moment, but as soon as Jane’s words hit his ears, Cameron pales. He parts his lips as if he’s going to speak once, then again, but he says nothing.
Awkwardness descends like a thick blanket, so mother torches it. There won’t be a moment of uncomfortable silence, not in her home. “That outfit looks lovely on you, Jane,” Mother offers, and then turns to her guests. “Don’t you think so, Mr. Bingley?”
Cameron smiles at Jane, flashing a dimple. “It does Mrs. Bennet. Jane is breathtaking today.”
“Thank you,” Jane says, a delicate pink flushing her pretty cheeks.
Darcy stands, clearing his throat, and addressing the room, “Your mother says your father is doing well after his surgery.” It’s unclear if he’s talking to me or one of my sisters.
Mary replies, “Yes, he is doing much better. We should be able to bring him home soon.”
Darcy smiles softly, before lifting his eyes to meet mine. I see a struggle behind them. It’s as if he wants to tell me something. His gaze flicks to Colin then back to me, his face schooled into a polite mask.
“He’ll be out in time for Colin and Beth’s wedding. Though I doubt he’ll be able to manage walking her down the aisle,” Mother explains. “You and Cameron must come, and bring your lovely sister, too. It’ll be the social event of the year.”
Disappointment flashes across Darcy’s face so fast, I think I've imagined it.
From the corner of my eye, I catch a bewildered look from Colin. He never misses a thing, but I’ve kept this so deeply buried there’s no way he could know. Plus he’s never seen us together to get clued in.
Until today.
Until this moment.
“Thank you, Mrs. Bennet. I’m sure Gwen will be delighted. If you’ll excuse me, I have some business I need to attend to, and I know Cameron wants to speak with Jane.” Darcy gives Cameron a nudge.
“Uh, yes. That’s right,” Cameron says. “I was wondering if I could speak with Jane alone.”
“Jane," Mary begins, "why don’t you take Cameron to Dad’s den while I show Mr. Darcy out?”
I stay glued to my spot, willing my feet to move. I want to tell Darcy to stay. I want to tell him I was totally wrong about him—about everything. But there’s no point. It’ll only cause us both pain, so I stay in my spot, my lips sealed.
When he passes by me, I glance up at him. Blue eyes gaze into mine, searching, waiting, hoping. When I say nothing more, he lets out a breath, nodding as he says my name, “Elizabeth.”
I’ve never been cut in two like that before. It’s elating and crushing at the same time. The caress of my full name and the way he says it with those perfectly pink lips brings back the other things he’s said, the things we’ve done. But I know he'll keep his promise and never bother me again. He’ll stay out of my life from now on, and that was his official goodbye.
I sit there trying to hide my heart as the room explodes in chatter. Everyone knows what Cameron is asking, and I’m happy for Jane. The two of them will be so happy together, but it feels like I’m lost in a bubble, floating away. One day I’ll be out of reach, and this moment won’t seem so difficult.
A few minutes later, a squeal comes from Dad’s den. I’m getting up to check on them, when Cameron and Jane return, hand in hand, to the living room, huge smiles plastered across their faces.
“What in the world is going on?” Mother asks coyly, as if she’s been sitting and reading a magazine the entire time with no suspicions.
Mary marches to Jane and lifts her left hand. “Bocce Balls! Cameron finally grew a pair and asked you to marry him.”
“Yes!” Jane squeals.
Everyone starts talking at once. I rush over and give her a hug, then gawk at her ring. Her face lights up making her look even more beautiful. When my eyes meet Colin’s I smile, but he sees through me. He still has that puzzled look on his face, watching me fiddle with my own engagement ring. Most of the time, I don’t even realize I have it on. Today, I feel its weight, and it’s heavy.
CHAPTER 35
“Hey, why aren’t you at the Ritz-Carlton yet?” Mary walks into the sitting room with Lucy perched on her hand.
“I was already there, and left.” I frown. “I had to take a break from Mother and Mrs. Frey. It’s crazy in stereo over there. Even Jane’s getting irritated,” I say, taking off my shoes. “I told Mother I had to get dressed for this evening. Besides, I wanted to check in on Dad. How is he?”
“I finally got him off the computer. He’s napping.”
We brought Dad home from the hospital a few days ago. He's feeling so well, Mary and I have to watch him like a hawk to make sure he doesn't over do it. He’s already tried to go to the office twice. When we shipped him back to bed, he resigned to working from the study.
Mary paces the room, petting Lucy while she walks. Her voice is flat, but urgent. “So, I know that I’m the little sis, but I wanted to make sure that you had all your cookies in the jar.”
Perplexed I look at her. “What?”
“You know the window for getting out of this scam is quickly closing, right?” Mary strokes the feathers lightly, making the little bird coo.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Come on, Beth. You’re hot for William Darcy.”
“I am not.”
“Uh, huh.” She rubs Lucy’s head with short black-lacquered fingernails.
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“I’m being ridiculous?" Mary laughs. "I’m not the one tossing aside one of the few nice guys in the city—a man who happens to have the hots for you, too, by the way—to marry my gay best friend.”
I don’t drop my jaw in shock fast enough. I don’t protest or act insulted. I just melt and wish it were over.
“Ah, ha! I knew it.”
I don’t look at her. How can I? I feel like a hypocrite. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Of course it does! Beth, this isn’t an episod
e of The Bold and The Brainless. Call it off with Colin and live a long, sexually fulfilled life with Will and his willy instead.”
Even her over the top remarks don’t make me laugh, not today. The wedding is only a few days away. Invitations have been sent and a great deal of money has been spent. It’s too late to walk away.
I shake my head. “I promised Colin I'd marry him.”
“Colin needs to grow up. So his parents might cut him off the family tree. Boo, hoo. Why does he want to stay with a family who doesn’t love him for who he truly is? If they can't accept him, they don't deserve him. Colin always has us. We’re his family. He loses nothing by coming clean—you lose everything!”
“You’re wrong, Mary. Colin will lose everything. The life he knows will vanish and he’ll be shamed so publicly it’ll destroy him. It’s why I said yes in the first place. I can do this.”
“No you can’t. Beth, don’t throw away what you have with Darcy. Don’t make me stage a picket-loving protest against Frey Oil on your wedding day, because I’ll do it.”
Colin and I agreed to have the media present at the nuptials. There are still some rumors flying around about Colin’s sexual orientation. He decided having a little makeout session in front of the media would help squelch the rumors. I'm not looking forward to it. Interrupting it with media coverage of my activist sister crashing the party with a protest makes the whole situation seem worse.
“Thanks, but I gave my word. I won’t break it.”
“Marrying Colin is a mistake, Beth. I wish I could make you see."
"It was you who pushed me to say yes in the first place!"
"That was before I knew you were madly in love with William Darcy. Love changes everything."
“No,” I smile sadly at her. “It doesn’t. That’s where the storybooks are wrong. That’s where the dream falls flat because in the end, love doesn’t matter. Loyalty supersedes everything, and if you know me at all, you’ll realize that I won’t betray my family—that includes Colin. So I’ll walk down the aisle and I don’t want to hear you mention William Darcy again. I can’t deal with it, Mary. Promise me.”
Her young face is frozen in disagreement, but she manages a nod. “I promise, Beth.”
CHAPTER 36
I thought I was ready for this. I thought I could do it. It takes everything I have not to run screaming as Colin guides me into the main ballroom at the Ritz by the Park.
It’s February 13th, and very cold outside. Somehow, Mr. Frey was able to book the main ballroom for tonight and tomorrow—Valentine’s Day—with almost no notice. The perks of being richer than God never end. Jane heard Mrs. Frey paid the couple that originally booked the venue handsomely to hand over the date quietly. Apparently, the Freys paid for two weddings this month.
As I step into the ballroom, my jaw drops. The wedding coordinator ushers us in, taking my vintage fur shrug Mr. Frey gave me as an engagement present as we pass. Mary almost stroked out over the gift. I’m surprised she didn’t paint the white fox fur red on the way to the limo. I told her we could bury it in the yard as soon as the wedding is over. That appeased her for now.
Vintage furs belonged to animals that would have died before Mary was born, but Mary still wouldn’t be okay with wearing them if it were road kill fur. I’m glad she has firm beliefs and stands by them.
As I step into the ballroom, I gasp. Putting my hand to my heart, I breathe, “Oh, Colin, this is beautiful!”
Everything is decorated in pale shades of orange with shimmering silver accents and birch branches. Crystals hang from tall topiaries with willowy, pale branches, catching the light perfectly. It feels like I’m walking through a silver forest. Tables are dressed in whites and silvers with pale flowers draped and flowing over antique candelabras. It’s beyond beautiful.
“This is nothing. Wait until you see what they’ve done for tomorrow.” He knows that I gave free reign to our mothers to go nuts. I only asked that they keep things serene and short as possible. “It’ll blow your mind.”
“I’m sure it will.” Seriously, this feels like a fairytale and it’d be lovely except I’m marrying a guy that might as well be my brother. I feel like I should hang a sign above my cooch: OUT OF BUSINESS.
I feel so sad and the ballroom looks so pretty that my mood turns melancholy. My sudden tears are mistaken for blushing bridal emotion.
I’m starting to think the rehearsal dinner is going to outshine the wedding when white flakes begin to flutter in front of my eyes.
“Colin?” I hold out my hand, looking at the little snowflake as it lands and melts in my palm.
He smiles and pulls me close. “I’d do anything for you.” He kisses my cheek and whispers in my ear, “I’d make the sun, moon, and stars realign if you asked me.”
“You made it snow?” Tears spring into my eyes yet again.
He nods. “I remembered you saying how your favorite book as a little girl was about princesses dancing in the snow. Every little girl wants to be a princess on their wedding day, and I couldn’t let you be a princess without any snow.” He pulls me close, and I nearly fall apart.
I’m not marrying my brother—a guy would tease me about something like this, not move heaven and earth to make it happen without my even asking. No, I’m marrying my sister. I can’t bow out. I have to do this.
He takes my hand and leads me to another group of people, milling, wearing an easy fifty thousand bucks a piece in jewelry alone. Weddings are one of those places where people are happy to bust out the bling and display their wealth.
Colin keeps me moving from one group of people to another, making the same introductions and small talk over and over again. People I’ve never met before air-kiss my cheek, telling me how wonderful it is that I’m marrying Colin. They go into stories about how they thought this boy would never become a man and are all too happy to meet the woman responsible.
When we meet the old money from Texas, it’s more than obvious. Who else would wear ostrich quill boots with a tux? The bolero ties are a giveaway, too. The biggest giveaway, however, is how they greet me with genuine warmth, welcoming me with open arms and comfortable hugs.
I'm a liar. They shouldn’t be so kind to me. I didn’t change Colin. I didn’t make the boy into a man. He still likes men! It’s making me sick to stand here, smiling, lying to one person after another.
Colin takes my hand, squeezes it, whispering in my ear, “I love you, Beth. You’re doing fine. It’s almost over.” I squeeze back, secretly hoping a bus hits me on the way home.
I don’t belong here. Nothing about tonight is real, even the flowing pale apricot gown I’m wearing isn't me. I can’t even remember how Mrs. Frey convinced me to wear it. It’s more Jane’s style than mine, conservative and feminine, with delicate, scratchy lace. The color makes me look sallow. It matches the way I feel inside—ill.
Even Dad noticed.
When I went to Dad's bedroom to kiss him goodbye, his brow furrowed and he asked if I was happy. What could I say? I am as close to happy as I'll ever get, but he knows something deep down is crying out, begging me not to stuff it in a box and banish it to the back of my brain. I can’t listen to that part of me right now.
Loyalty matters.
Family matters.
My word is everything.
I can do this.
Mother chats lightly with Jane and Cameron. She’s the happiest I’ve ever seen her. And Jane, she’s so radiant everyone around her can't help but return her megawatt smile. Even Mary looks breathtaking. She’s got a gothic princess thing going on in her beautiful, black spider web gown.
As I look around the ballroom, I notice Mateo and his sister standing in the corner. His crisp white shirt complements his dark tanned skin and chiseled jaw, but his usually handsome face is consumed with sadness as his dark eyes follow Colin around the room.
He looks just as miserable as I feel.
After meeting yet another senator and his wife, Colin leads me to the center of
the ballroom, where his parents wait with dozens of photographers and reporters.
The portrait photographer Mother hired throws out instructions, moving us to our spots to ensure the photo of our first public kiss “accidentally caught” by photographers is perfect. It’s all fake.
I’m like a Barbie doll. Put one hand here, the other there. Turn this way. No, a little to the right. Perfect. On command, I tilt my head, and that’s when I see him.
Darcy.
He stands near the entrance of the ballroom with his hands loosely held in front of him. That handsome face is well trained in that familiar mask he always wears to shut the world out—to keep everyone away. When our eyes meet, I think he’s going to freeze me out. For a moment it’s all ice and steel, but then that façade falls and I can see pain flash behind his eyes.
Today should be a day of celebration. Instead, I’m biting my lip, trying not to let the sob stuck in my chest escape. I can feel it rubbing the bottom of my ribs, carefully lodged in place, brewing silently beneath the surface.
The fake smile I'm wearing is about to crack.
My eyes flick from Darcy to Mateo to Colin. This is wrong. Everyone is miserable, too afraid to be with the person they really love. We’re resigned to silently be the good son and the dutiful daughter. I’m not sure I know what that means anymore. Hurting Darcy is the last thing I want, and yet I know walking down the aisle with Colin will shatter him. I saw the desperate longing in his eyes, heard the desire in his voice.
And Mateo, dear God. The man is a sheet of thin ice. His exterior is frosty, but melting quickly. His sister’s hand is on his shoulder, as if she’s trying to lead him away, but he won’t move. He stands there, diligently waiting for his soul mate to confess the truth.
It’ll never happen. Colin won’t put his family through that. He thinks he’s doing what’s right. Darcy’s gaze holds mine and we seem to have a silent understanding that everything between us, no matter if love is present or not, is over.
