She shook her head.
"I want verbal responses, followed by Sir."
"What?"
"Yes, Sir. No, Sir. Don't just nod or shake your head."
"Why?"
He gave her a stern look.
"Why, Sir?"
"Because I need to learn to judge your reactions by the tone of your voice along with the visual cues. I also might not have my eyes on you at the moment you move your head and could miss something important."
"Thank you for explaining it, Sir."
Damián kissed her cheek, making her feel cherished. "Having you in restraints is a dream come true for the Dom in me, mi sueño."
Her heart fluttered at his nearness, but she reminded herself this wasn't sexual or romantic. She was just trying to learn to process her feelings better.
"Before I restrain you, I'm going to remove your clothing."
"Wait! I'm not sure…"
"I am. I can't do this scene with you if you're clothed, and you said nothing about nakedness being a hard limit."
"Not the panties."
"Why not?"
"Because I don't want you to touch me there."
His hand went to the curve of her ass, warming her through her jeans. "As much as I want to see and touch your pussy, you have made it abundantly clear that area is off-limits. You need to learn to trust me if this is going to work. I will not be touching your pussy. But I will be touching you here." He patted her ass, but that didn't set off any warning bells.
"I trust you not to touch my…pussy." She couldn't believe she was calling her privates such a provocative name, but didn't want to use a clinical term, which would embarrass her even more.
"Thank you, Savita."
"Okay." The sooner she got this over, the better. With trembling hands, she pulled the T-shirt over her head. The necklace he'd given her for Christmas lay warm in the cleft of her breasts. Before she could reach back and unhook the bra clasp, he brushed her fingers aside and released it for her. He pushed the scraps of fabric away and ran his fingernails along the center of her back and up to her shoulder blades. Her skin tingled where he touched her and she felt almost like a cat having its back scratched.
"Your skin is so soft." His lips kissed her shoulder, near her neck and she shivered.
"I don't think I like being kissed like that, Sir."
"Hard limit?"
She shook her head, then remembered to say, "No, Sir. Just makes me uncomfortable."
"We'll be working on that comfort zone of yours today, Savi." He massaged her shoulders and upper arms, and she emitted a moan. He chuckled. "Now, the jeans…and panties."
"Damián…"
"Now, Savi."
Her fingers shook so badly, he reached out to undo the button of her jeans for her. She brushed his hands aside and slid down the zipper herself. Too close. Face flushing, she shimmied the tight jeans down her legs, taking the panties with them, not wanting to do a strip tease for him or prolong her embarrassment. He held out his hand so she could steady herself as she pulled them off one foot, then she shifted hands to do the other.
"So fucking beautiful."
Savi closed her eyes, too mortified to make eye contact with him. She crossed her legs, hoping to shield herself, but he was intent on her wrists at the moment and didn't seem to care that she was totally naked. But she certainly was aware. Intensely so.
He took her left wrist and stretched her arm up toward the top of the swing-like equipment. He fastened a clip on the cuff to one of the eyebolts. Soon the other hand was clipped to another bolt, stretching her out like a Y. She pulled at the restraints, but wasn't going anywhere. Tension coiled inside her. Fear? Or anticipation? What did he plan to do to her?
Damián stood in front of her. "Tell me what you're feeling now, Savi."
Why did he insist on talking about her feelings all the time? Why didn't he just do…whatever he planned to do?
"Answer out loud, Savi."
"Sir, I feel like I've been stripped bare."
He smiled. "You have, mi sueño." His hand stroked over her bare butt and she tensed.
Blood roared through her ears. I can't do this.
"Yes, you can."
She'd shared her thought out loud, but hadn't meant to.
"Stay with me, Savi. Focus totally on me."
Trust Damián. He wanted to help her. She needed this. She wanted him to make her feel again. She needed the pain. Damián knew what she needed. Trust him.
The litany continued in her mind.
"Inhale." His gentle, but firm, voice soothed some of her anxiety. She breathed deeply and a bit of the tension released from her body. "Exhale." She imagined breathing the negativity out of her body as she exhaled. "Again."
In. Out.
Pressure on her back. Damián's hands. Strong, warm, tender. His hands stroked down her sides to her butt and she clenched her butt cheeks as if to escape him. His hands moved up her back again to her shoulders, then downward in a circular motion. She tensed each time his hand neared her butt, but he honored her limit. She wasn't ready for him to touch her there. She never would be.
"Inhale, Savita."
His hands massaged her behind. Smack. She jumped when his hand impacted with her butt. "I said inhale."
"Yes, Sir."
She did as she was told. Her lungs burned before she filled them, proof that she'd been holding her breath. Focus on your breathing.
In. Out. In. Out.
"That's it, bebé."
Savi released the tension that had held her rigid. Damián's hands brushed the sides of her breasts, then pinched the sides of them both. Numb. His hands moved constantly now along her sides, pinching her at regular intervals. Once she felt a slight sting, but mostly…nothing.
"Spread your legs."
I can't do this.
"Now, Savi."
Trust him.
She spread her legs for him.
"Wider."
She spread them further.
"Even wider."
Feeling like a wishbone, she spread them as far as she could go without feeling like she would dislocate her hip.
"Perfect." He patted her on the butt, and she jerked away. He chuckled and spanked her playfully, then rubbed her butt to take away the sting. "Don't try to evade my touch, Savi. I will honor your limits, but anywhere else I wish to touch you, I will. Understood?"
"Yes, Sir."
He took two black leather cuffs and chains from his bag, then went to the wall and removed a long metal bar with eyebolts near both ends. Kneeling down on one knee, he fastened a cuff to her ankle and then to the bar, and hooked the bar to the frame. He did the same with the other leg. Too late, she realized there would be no way she could close her legs. Her chest constricted as she fought in vain to shield herself.
"Breathe, Savi."
She did so, but the fear didn't recede this time. Why couldn't she just trust him? He'd kept all of his promises so far.
"Now, I'm going to test your threshold for pain—establish some benchmarks."
Savi remembered the marks he'd placed on Patti's back and the fears threatened to overtake her again, but she forced them away. He wouldn't hurt her like that. Not yet, anyway. She shuddered at the thought.
Damián left her side and returned a moment later holding a sleep mask in front of her. "I think this might help you to focus more easily on the sensations with fewer distractions." He stretched the elasticized band over her hair and adjusted it over her eyes and nose. "How's that?"
Dark. "Fine, Sir." Her voice quivered.
His hand brushed the side of her breast and a jolt of electricity coursed through her. She gasped, so not expecting that.
"Are you okay?"
No. I'm afraid of the dark. "Yes, Sir."
"Where are you, Savita?"
Unable to speak, she shook her head.
"Tell me. We can't continue if you keep anything from me. What are you feeling?"
"Afraid."
He would think she was a baby. Weak. Pathetic. How could she tell him? But the main thing he demanded from her was honesty. He wanted to know what she was feeling. For this little experiment to work, she must be honest.
"Savi." His prompting told her he wasn't happy with her delay in responding. She didn't want him to become angry.
"I'm afraid of the dark, Sir." Her voice sounded even more childlike than Mari's. Oh dear lord. She wanted to disappear into the floor. A slight tug of the mask against the back of her head and he pushed it onto her forehead. She blinked to let her eyes grow accustomed to the welcome light. Much better than being in total darkness.
"Better?"
Overcome by an inexplicable emotion, she only nodded. He was going to let her do this without being blindfolded.
"Tell me what scares you about the dark."
The fear clawed up into her throat just thinking about it, and she shook her head. "I can't talk about that."
His gaze intensified. He didn't release her from his stare. "Yes, you can, Savita. Who or what made you fear the dark?"
His hand continued stroking her back, gently, but firmly. Her skin remained numb, her mind registering only the pressure of his hand, nothing more. No gooseflesh. No tingle. Totally numb.
She closed her eyes.
"Look at me."
I can't do this.
"Now, Savi. Tell me where you are."
She opened her eyes and stared back at him.
Numb. In hell.
Tell him. You don't have to go back there ever again. Just tell him. It's not about you anyway. It's about Savannah. Savannah's dead. No one can hurt her ever again.
"He took away her night light the night Maman went away." The words came out in a rush, almost as if she were vomiting them from her mind.
His hand stroked her, soothing her. "What did she do?"
"She cried. She always cried. About everything."
"Lots of kids would cry in that situation. Lots of kids are afraid of the dark."
She swallowed and closed her eyes.
"Look. At. Me."
"I can't."
"You can, and you will. Open your eyes. You're with me now. You're safe."
She did as he instructed, but couldn't meet his gaze.
"Savi."
She complied, breathing in shallow, rapid bursts.
"Now, tell me what happened in the dark."
Damián's eyes were warm and caring. Trying to keep the memories inside the box was becoming too daunting. "She'd hide from him…under the bed." The words continued to pour out. "It was so dark under there. Scary. But so much safer than when he found her. The princess hid with her so she wouldn't be as scared."
"Deep breath, bebé."
It took several attempts to execute his command. Her heart pounded in her ears. He didn't speak again until her breathing became relatively normal, but he continued to stroke her back.
"Who is the princess?"
Images of her Christmas Barbie filled her mind's eye. "Savannah's beautiful doll. She had blond hair like me, but dark eyes, like Maman. The princess made Savannah feel as if Maman hadn't left her after all."
His hand reached up to her face and his thumb brushed against her cheek. "Then what happened?"
Wingtip shoes and dress pants. She watched the feet and legs, backlit by the hallway light, enter the oh-so-dark room.
An odd thought strayed across her mind. Her father came from the light, while she cowered in the dark, but he was the evil one. She was safe in the dark, until he came after her.
A bubble of anger boiled up inside, but she managed to tamp it back down.
"Stop doing that. Don't cage your emotions, Savi. You need to let them out."
Numb. She wanted to remain numb.
She felt a slight pressure against her back, as he continued to stroke her.
Damián waited, but her anger was gone.
"It's too late. I'll try better next time."
"That's all I ask, bebé, that you try. It's not easy to change coping mechanisms that have worked for us for so long."
"You sound like a therapist."
He laughed. "Just life experience. No degree, like yours. But, this way, I get to dispense lots of free advice." He grew serious again. "Now, tell me more about the dark."
The man wasn't easily distracted.
"Savannah tried to make herself invisible in the dark. But he always found her."
Damián's hand slid to her arm, stroking her firmly, gently until her breathing became regular again.
"He can't hurt you now, Savi. That's in the past."
"He didn't hurt me. He hurt Savannah."
At least she hoped Savannah and the monster that spawned her really were relegated to the past, although Savi's healed rib made it clear her father might never truly stop being a threat to her until…he was dead, too.
"You don't have to be afraid of the dark now. You're with me. I would never take advantage of you like he did."
Not intentionally.
"I don't think I can do this anymore, Sir."
"Do what? All you have to do is stand here, talk to me, and feel—experience. I'll be doing the physical work, but I get the impression you aren't going to reveal anything more to me about the dark right now, so let's move on in the scene."
Savi looked at a row of impact implements hanging on the wall—crops, whips, canes. She shuddered, remembering having some of those things used on her. How could the use of those implements break down the barrier between her mind and her body? She'd prefer to leave them relegated to the past.
"Which one will you use?"
"That's not anything you need to be concerned with. You just need to focus on your breathing, on where I touch your body, on what I'm saying to you, and on what you're feeling. ¿Comprende?"
Was he freaking serious? Why had she agreed to try this? "I don't think…"
"I don't want you to think. I want you to focus on me. Submit to me."
"I can't surrender."
"I haven't asked you to surrender, Savi."
She definitely heard the unspoken "yet." How long before he would demand more than she could give?
Chapter Thirteen
Savi was tired of letting the past control her. She needed to try this. Maybe Damián could help.
"The session I have in mind, Savi, will help you reconnect with your body. Today, I want you merely to submit that iron will to me. Accept what I am going to do to your body, knowing I will push you up to your limits, without going beyond them. If you do reach a limit before I recognize it, you have your safeword."
She nodded. "Okay."
"Is that how you speak to your Top?"
"I'm sorry, Sir." The protocols he had explained and that she'd read in the contract still seemed silly to her, but if she was going to get into this kind of thing, she might as well try to follow the script.
"The complete surrender of your mind isn't required at first, but you will need to let go of that tight leash you place on your feelings."
"I'll try to, Sir."
"Thank you, bebé." His hand stroked her upper arm. "What's your safeword, Savi?"
Her lungs constricted. Here we go. "Tamale, Sir."
"You understand that I'll be the only one here with you. No one else is going to touch or hurt you without coming through me first. ¿Comprende?"
"Si, Señor."
He slapped her butt again, but his smile told her he wasn't upset with her smartass response, although her ass did smart a little bit from his slap. He did seem pleased that her mood had lightened. His had, too, but he quickly became serious again.
"Do you trust me enough to proceed with this scene?"
"Yes, Sir."
"I think we should try it blindfolded, but if you can't, you have your safeword."
He heart pounded. "Do I have to be blindfolded?"
He nodded. "It will help you focus more easily on the sens
ations. So, yes, it would please me if you would allow me to blindfold you."
Only Damián. She was safe.
He held up the mask again. "Ready?"
She took a deep breath. "Yes, Sir. I think so."
The last thing she saw before he placed the mask over her eyes again was his smile, which gave her strength. She could do this, with Damián here beside her.
He pressed a kiss on her cheek. "I'm proud of you, Savi." His words caused an odd sense of warmth to spread throughout her chest and down her oh-so-cold arms and legs.
Darkness.
"Breathe, Savi."
She did.
"That's my brave girl."
Damián. Only Damián. No one else. He will never hurt you.
His hand stroked her back in long, tender touches and the fear receded a bit more.
Damián won't let anything harm me. Damián will protect me.
He reached up and removed the blindfold again. She blinked and met his gaze, confused. He smiled at her.
"You did well, Savita. I wanted to test you to see if you would let me blindfold you again, even though you were afraid."
She'd pleased him, which made her very content within herself. She could do this, with Damián's patient guidance. Savi met his smoldering gaze and something stirred inside her. She glanced down. "Thank you, Sir."
"I'm putting blindfolding on your list of hard limits for now, though, until we can work on it more."
"Thank you, Sir."
"It will be helpful to me to see your eyes. They're the most expressive part of your body, and can help me gauge where you are. So, you'll keep them open and you'll keep your eyes—your focus—on me. ¿Comprende?"
"Yes, Sir."
Damián moved his duffel bag behind her, perhaps so she wouldn't be able to see what he planned to use on her. She heard the clatter of lightweight pieces of wood.
He molded his warm body against her backside and encircled her waist with his arms, although the cross kept him from pulling her body fully against his. After a few moments of simply embracing her, he moved to her side and she felt his erection press against her hip, sending a wave of panic clawing at her chest. He said this wouldn't be about sex. She tried to move her hips away from him, but couldn't budge from the restraints.
Nobody's Perfect Page 26
