No, not her daughter. Their daughter. She looked at Aiden. She ought to be angry in some way, considering how underhand he’d been with all this. But how could she be?
She understood. She deserved it after all.
‘She threatened to come,’ Aiden said. ‘I tried to convince her not to, to wait to set up a proper face-to-face.’ He quirked an eyebrow. ‘I guess she’s like her mother, stubborn.’
‘Will she be okay?’
‘She’ll be fine. She’s a survivor,’ he said, softly, ‘like you. And you will survive now, Stel, I can see it in your eyes.’
‘I think I will thanks to you.’
And what of us two? she wondered. Aiden was the love of her life, she saw that more clearly than ever now, despite all he’d done, all she’d done.
But because of all that too, she knew nothing could ever come of it. Maybe as parents to Poppy, they could forge some kind of long-term connection. Any more than that was out of the question, she could see it in his eyes despite what had passed between them in Lillysands.
She looked back towards where Poppy had disappeared. ‘I need to see her,’ she said. ‘I need to explain.’
‘I think she gets it now. She’ll come to you when she’s ready.’
Estelle looked at the space where her daughter had just been, and her mind went back to that moment fifteen years ago as she held her baby in her arms. The reality of what she’d done to Alice had come rushing at her. Maybe it was seeing a newborn in her arms, realising the vulnerability and innocence of people.
Of Alice.
When Autumn had asked Estelle if she was sure she wanted her newborn daughter adopted, there had been a moment of hesitation. But then she’d thought of the look in Alice’s eyes standing on the cliff a few hours before.
‘Take her,’ Estelle had said to Autumn, turning her face away from the tiny baby in her arms and handing her over to Autumn. ‘I don’t deserve her.’
‘Maybe I don’t deserve to know my daughter,’ Estelle said now.
‘You’re getting there,’ Aiden replied. ‘First step is telling the truth. Next step is forgiving yourself.’
She looked into Aiden’s eyes. ‘You didn’t forgive me.’
‘I guess that’s one of my steps.’
They both turned to look out into the market, where Poppy was walking away. As Estelle looked at her daughter, she promised herself she would do everything she could to deserve her, to bring her back into her arms. She would begin again, if she had to, as long as she had Poppy.
Though she would never get a chance to make things right with Alice, it was not too late for her and Poppy. She would do everything she could to do things right this time, for Poppy, for herself … and for Alice.
A new life. A new truth.
Poppy paused, peering over her shoulder at Estelle. Estelle held her breath. Then Poppy smiled at her, a huge life affirming smile, before walking into the darkness.
Estelle let go of her breath and it felt like her first.
Acknowledgements
This is the first novel I’ve written while being a full-time author, something I dreamed about since being a child. But I’m not saying that’s made it loads easier: you find with the luxury of time, there’s more time to doubt, to worry, to second-guess yourself.
Luckily, I have the most amazing support network, from my friends who allow me to let off steam with fun dinners and mad Halloween adventures. A particular shout out to Emma Cash for reading a first draft of this and giving me invaluable advice; Elizabeth Richards as ever for her constant support; and Jenny Ashcroft, always there for a quick chat over coffee in busy London or breezy Brighton.
And of course, my amazing family. The endless support of my mum and stepdad, and my dad and stepmum who take the strain off what is often a manically busy life as a mother and author.
My husband is a constant support, putting up with my ‘creative’ mood swings and tantrums. I love you, Rob, and I promise I’ll buy you that Santa Cruz V10 CC mountain bike one day! And my daughter Scarlett and my new puppy Bronte for … erm … keeping me on my toes (I mean, seriously, who thought getting a new puppy in the midst of book edits was a good idea?!). But in truth, all my writing and hard work is for my darling Scarlett, even when she’s keeping me on my toes! There’s no better motivation than making your child proud.
I write this in memory of my dog Archie too, who padded off to Rainbow Bridge last winter. His constant companionship in the early days of writing this novel was invaluable. I miss you, boy.
I’d also like to thank my wonderful agency, Hardman & Swainson: to Jo for being there when Caroline was on maternity leave and Caroline for being there in spirit.
And then there’s the Avon team. Wow, what a super team, especially my new editor Rachel Faulkner-Willcocks who, honestly, has blown me away with her brilliant editorial support and comments (and yes, her pedantic ways which I LOVE as someone has to be pedantic while I live in my messed up crazy writer’s head). My copy editor, Jade Craddock, is a superstar for finely tuning this manuscript and those eagle-eyed proofreaders too.
A final huge thanks goes to YOU, my readers. Your support has been amazing, and the regular emails and messages I receive from you keep me afloat. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you enjoy my latest novel, do let me know!
Sign up for my newsletter for exclusive updates and competitions. http://www.tracybuchanan.co.uk/sign-up
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tracy Buchanan is a web journalist and producer who lives in Milton Keynes with her husband and daughter and their puppy, Bronte. Tracy travelled extensively while working as a travel magazine editor, sating the wanderlust she developed while listening to her Sri Lankan grandparents’ childhood stories – the same wanderlust that now inspires her writing.
To find out more about Tracy follow her on Twitter @TracyBuchanan or visit her website and blog www.tracybuchanan.co.uk.
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About the Publisher
Australia
HarperCollins Publishers (Australia) Pty. Ltd.
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Sydney, NSW 2000, Australia
http://www.harpercollins.com.au
Canada
HarperCollins Canada
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Toronto, ON, M4W, 1A8, Canada
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New Zealand
HarperCollins Publishers (New Zealand) Limited
P.O. Box 1
Auckland, New Zealand
http://www.harpercollins.co.nz
United Kingdom
HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
1 London Bridge Street
London, SE1 9GF
http://www.harpercollins.co.uk
United States
HarperCollins Publishers Inc.
195 Broadway
New York, NY 10007
http://www.harpercollins.com
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