"'I'd like more time with both of them,' I said. He nodded, his eyes encouraging. He just wants me to talk, I thought, to talk and talk and talk.
"So I began. I talked about my parents and their precious careers. I talked about the many times neither had been there for me. I guess I talked about my own loneliness. I laughed at his reference to my soon-to-be independence. 'Sometimes,' I told him, 'I feel like I've brought myself up. Independence will be no novelty for me.'
"He listened quietly. I got so into it, I stopped noticing the stenographer's fingers taking down my every word with lightning speed. The judge's eyes gradually turned darker. He even looked angry at times.
"'It's not fair that I'm even here,' I concluded. 'I shouldn't have to do this. It's their problem.'
"When I was finished, he just sat quietly for a moment. His face had become so somber, he looked like a different person. He leaned forward, studied a paper on his desk and then looked up at me and asked, 'What if you lived with neither for the next year? Would that be so upsetting?'
"'With whom would I live? Where would I live?'
"He began by suggesting one of my
grandparents and I laughed aloud then. His eyebrows bounced up and I explained my relationships with my grandparents and how rarely I had spent any time with either my father's or my mother's parents. When he asked about my other relatives, I had the same reply.
"From the way he looked, I imagined I wasn't making it any easier for him. How simple it would be if I would say, 'Oh yes, Judge. I need my mother more now. We have female issues to discuss and my father won't be able to help,' but I had other issues looming before me, and how easy it would be to say I need my father more for them.
"I know what we can do, your honor, I thought, instead of cutting the child in half, cut the parents in half and paste a half of one to a half of the other and give me a new kind of parent, part Daddy, part Mommy, only be sure to cut away the parts full of hate, okay?
"Thinking about that made me laugh and he smiled and asked what struck me funny?
"I decided to tell him and I did. He didn't laugh. He nodded with sadness in his eyes. I glanced at the stenographer whose bland face finally showed some surprise and interest.
'The judge asked me more questions about my daily routine, my ambitions. He talked about my parents' input into any of it, searching, I was sure, for evidence of one being more concerned than the other. I soon began to feel like a witness being crossexamined by a relentless prosecutor.
"Finally, I told him about my parents' recent expressions of repentance and their new promises about all the time each was going to spend with me and how much fun we would have. He seemed interested until I said, 'But in my house promises are lies tied up with pretty ribbons. Every- week our maid vacuums them up and dumps them in the incinerator.'
"I followed that with another nervous little laugh. He asked me if I would like something to drink and I said hemlock. He didn't think that was funny at all."
"What's hemlock?" Star asked.
"Poison. Socrates drank it," I said. Star glanced at Dr. Marlowe and then turned back to me.
"I was tired of all this. The dreariness of the rainy day had moved into my body. I really just wanted to sleep.
" `So,' Judge Resnick concluded, 'if I turn over legal custody to one or the other of your parents, you won't be that upset about it? Is that a fair assessment?'
"'Frankly, your honor,' I said, 'I don't give a damn.' "That's from Gone With the Wind, and actually, it was appropriate. Gone With the Wind took place during the Civil War and that's what was going on in my house.
"Once again, however, the judge didn't laugh. He scowled, made a note and sat back, very pensive.
"'Okay,' he said, coming to some conclusion, 'I guess that will be all for now. You've been helpful. I do hope everything works out for you, Jade. You have shown evidence of strength and accomplishment and although I don't want to belittle the significance of all this, I think you're going to rise above it and become a fine young lady.'
"Was he a judge or a fortune-teller or was that one and the same? I wanted to ask, but I didn't. I kept silent. Marla was called back in to escort me out to the limousine. I glanced at the stenographer before I left. He looked like he had been bored out of his mind. I guessed it wasn't as exciting as a murder or
something.
"'Judge Resnick is one of the best judges when it comes to these matters,' Marla assured me on the way out. 'He's fair and very wise and he takes a great deal of time and does a lot of research before rendering any decisions.'
"'Fine,' I told her at the limousine. 'I'll recommend him to all my friends.'
"It wasn't nice to be sarcastic to her, but I was very tired of all of it and she just happened to be a part of it. I did thank her before I got into the car.
"'Home James,' I said. I've always wanted to say that. The driver glanced at me in the rearview mirror. He was a different driver from the one I had previously had.
"'My name's not James,' he muttered.
"The rain had slowed to a slight drizzle, but the traffic was just as heavy as before. It was a nauseating ride for me. I closed my eyes to keep my stomach from churning. I hadn't eaten much for breakfast and I was glad of that now.
"I was happy neither of my parents would be home yet. I knew they would each have questions in their eyes and look for some hint as to what I had told the judge.
"Just the thought of that began to weigh heavier and heavier on my mind. I dreaded seeing them at dinner. I dreaded ever seeing them. What was the judge going to do with my testimony? Whose heart had I broken? Why didn't they think about my heart?
"The rain started to come down harder again. It was practically impossible to see out of the windows. The driver grumbled about it, but we continued on. When we reached the house, I just opened the door before he came around and ran inside and shook the water out of my hair.
"It was quiet and dark because Rosina had not turned on the lights in some of the rooms. Mrs. Caron was most likely in the kitchen working on the evening's gourmet meal. No matter what happened here, we would always eat well, I thought, and started up the stairs.
"My body throbbed all over. I didn't realize until that moment just how tense I had been in the judge's office. The back of my neck especially ached. I felt as though I had been in a car accident and now I was experiencing the trauma. This whole thing was like a big crash anyway.
"The urge to just lie down and sleep got stronger and stronger. I undressed and crawled into bed, but whenever I closed my eyes, Judge Resnick's big face appeared and I relived his questions, his expression, his penetrating eyes. Then I began to imagine my mother's disappointed face and my father's. Tossing and turning through these persistent nightmares, I finally sat up, feeling like I could scream and pull the hair out of my head. For a while I just stared at the wall and then I rose, slipped into my robe and went to my mother's room.
"I found her sleeping pills in the nightstand next to her bed and brought them back to my room."
Before I continued, I glanced at Dr. Marlowe and then I glanced at the girls. They all looked like they were holding their breath. I was tempted to smile and say, "That's all," but they all knew it wasn't right and besides, I wanted to tell them. I wanted to get it out, spit it from my body as fast as I would spit out sour milk
"I thought if I took two pills, I'd be able to get some sleep, and then I thought, if I took three, I'd sleep right through dinner and not have to face them; if I took four, I'd sleep right through the night; if I took five, I'd sleep through breakfast.
"All those thoughts ran through my mind and I guess I started laughing and taking another and another until most of the pills in the bottle were in my stomach. Then I lay back, stared up at the ceiling and waited. My eyelids grew heavier and heavier and finally slammed shut like a steel door.
"It was as if the sleeping pills took me back in time, making me younger and younger until I was just a little girl again, ye
ars and years before my parents became the people they were now.
"They were still in love and we were still a family. I saw us doing things together, going to Disney World, going to the beach, going to
restaurants. I sat on my father's shoulders when we walked and felt him bouncing me along. I heard my parents' laughter curling around me like a warm, protective cocoon.
"There were lots of kisses then. How safe I felt. Those were the days of my big bubble. It felt so good to return. It was as if all that had happened since was just a nightmare, a long, bad dream. I was waking up and I was calling for them. I could see myself, my mouth opening and closing, but I couldn't hear my voice. Somehow, they must have heard.
"They both came to my room and stood by my bed. They held me tightly and they rained down love and promises. I was drenched in happiness. And then I heard the screams.
"'Get the paramedics!' Mommy was screaming. "Why? I wondered. Was there emergency care for nightmares?
"I could hear and sense all the rushing about. Somewhere off to the right, I heard the sound of a siren. And then I heard this heavy, loud drum. It was coming closer and closer and getting louder and louder before I realized it was my own heart.
"Finally, I heard the grating noise of metal screeching as the heavy steel door was being lifted. First, a tiny shaft of light slipped in at the bottom and then the light grew larger and brighter until the door was nearly completely opened.
"As soon as it was, the light diminished and I was able to make out silhouettes behind it. The darkness gradually lifted from their faces and I saw it was my parents looking at me. My mother's mouth was opening and yet I didn't hear her voice. Soon, it became a muffled, far-off sound that slowly got louder and clearer until I understood she was calling my name.
"My father stepped up beside her and did the same. I just stared at them.
430 V C. ANDREWS
"How did they get so much older so fast? I wondered. "Where am I? I wondered.
"The room was unfamiliar. What happened to my room? Where were all my things? Where was my big bubble?
"I wanted to sleep, but they wouldn't let me. They shook me and called to me until I kept my eyes open. "'Where am I, Mommy?' I asked.
"I saw tears on her cheeks. My mother never cried. What was going on? I wondered. I looked at my father. His eyes were glassy, too.
"'You're in the hospital, Jade, but you're going to be all right,' she said.
"'That's right, baby,' my father said. 'You're going to be all right.'
"'Good,' I said. 'Are we going to the beach today?' "'Yes,' my father said, laughing, 'we're going to the beach today.'
"My mother smiled through her tears and brushed my hair off my forehead.
"A doctor stepped up beside them and said something too low for me to hear. They nodded and then each kissed me. That's what made me think I was still five years old, I guess. I wanted to hold on to that as long as I could," I added, glancing at Dr. Marlowe again. She nodded.
"My parents turned and walked out of the room and I thought, I could almost swear, they were holding hands. Maybe it was what I hoped I saw," I concluded sadly.
I stared at the floor. After a sigh that was so deep I could feel it in my bones, I looked up.
"It wasn't long afterward that I came to see Dr. Marlowe."
I took a deep breath and looked out the window. No one spoke. We could hear water running through a pipe somewhere off to our right in the house.
"What happened with the judge and all?" Star asked finally.
"It's not completely over," I replied, "but it looks like my parents are going to compromise and agree to joint custody. My father is talking about building himself a new house. He's getting more and more excited about it. He's brought me the plans and showed me where my room would be and he's asked me to make suggestions.
"My mother is talking about a leave of absence from her job, but I'm not holding my breath. Yesterday, she said the company management was thinking about giving her a significant raise to keep her from leaving, even for a hiatus.
"Things are different in the house. I'll say that. They both seem to tiptoe around me lately and they never argue or even discuss problems when I'm around. In fact, it's just the opposite. They're overly polite to each other. Their war is coming to an end," I said.
"Everyone talks about rebuilding, mending, putting it all behind us. There's a new reality and we've got to learn how to adjust to it," I said, repeating some of the platitudes I had been told.
"I feel like my whole life to this point was written in chalk and a few lawyers, sociologists, yes, even therapists, have come along and helped erase it and start writing new words. Sometimes, I think I should change my name and really go through a rebirth."
"You've got a pretty name," Misty said softly.
I smiled at her. She reached out to touch my hand and hold it for a moment.
"Well," Dr. Marlowe said, "I don't know about you guys, but I think I'm ready to call it a day. You heard Emma before. She practically ordered me to be sure you all enjoyed the nice weather."
I nodded. All the girls were staring at me now. Then Misty smiled and Star quickly followed. Cat joined them and I laughed.
"I guess I talked a lot more than I expected. Sorry." "No, no, it was fine," Star said.
"Yeah, I'm glad you told us as much as you wanted," Misty said.
Cat nodded.
"Me too," she said in a voice just above a whisper.
We all stood up and Dr. Marlowe led us out of the office and to the front door. My limousine and driver were there already, as was Star's grandmother and Cat's mother. Misty had to call for a cab and we all offered to wait with her.
"No, you don't have to," she said. "It won't be long. I'm used to waiting for cabs these days."
"I bet," Star said and then looked at Cat. "You coming back here tomorrow?"
She looked at each of us, her eyes fearful.
"Yes," she said.
"You'd better;' Star said, "or we'll be coming to your house."
"Stop scaring her," Misty ordered. "She'll come. You want to come back, right, Cat?"
Cathy smiled at being called Cat and nodded. She looked toward her mother and lost her smile quickly. "It's hard," I told her, "but it does help. You'll see." I squeezed her hand.
"Okay, bye," she said in a small voice, and walked to her mother's car. We watched her get in and then drive off. Her mother didn't look our way.
"Granny's scowling at me," Star said. "I better get a move on."
"I guess that's Rodney gaping at us from the back seat," I said.
"That's him," she said with a laugh.
"He looks cute," Misty said.
"Don't let him fool you. Cute only lasts a few minutes every day," she said, and Misty and I laughed. "See you tomorrow, girlfriends," she added and walked quickly to her grandmother's car. "What are you gaping at them like that for?" we heard her yell at Rodney. "They're just girls. Get your head in," she ordered and got into the car.
She smiled and waved to us as they pulled away. Misty walked with me to the limousine. The driver got out to open the door.
"It is a pretty day. What are you going to do with the rest of it?" she asked.
"I don't know. I have some magazines to read. I guess I'll just lounge by the pool and work on my tan or paint my fingernails. What about you?"
She shrugged.
"Nothing," she said.
"Give me your phone number," I said. "I'll call you later."
"Really?" She gave it to me and I got into the limousine and rolled down the window.
"I guess what happens, what hurts the most," I said, "is you lose faith. You think, if they can fall out of love, the two people you love the most, the two people you idolized and believed in the most, then how can anything beautiful happen between you and someone? Understand?"
"Yes," she said. "Exactly."
I reached out and she took my hand for a moment. "Maybe, we're better than them,"
she offered.
"Maybe the best of them is in us and we're even better." "Maybe," I said.
She let go and stepped back as the limousine started. Her hand had felt like the string on a balloon. As I rode off, the balloon rose in my imagination. Our four faces were on it and we were drifting into the wind.
Drifting toward something better.
Maybe.
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