by Olivia Besse
“Ooh, makeover!” Audrey squealed as she pranced over excitedly.
“Are you two really my friends?” Riley questioned loudly, though the two pretended not to have heard her as they combed through her wardrobe.
“What are we aiming for?” Audrey asked, ignoring the fact that Riley was now clawing at her ankles. “Classy? Slutty?”
“Slutty,” Liz replied, glancing down at their heartbroken friend before turning back to Audrey with a nod. “Definitely slutty.”
“Slutty?” Riley wailed out incredulously. “Noah hated anything revealing. I don’t own any slutty clothes!”
“Good thing for you that I have plenty, then!” Audrey chirped before skipping off to her room, leaving Liz to stare down at Riley with a blank expression on her face.
“We’re doing this for you, you know,” Liz pointed out in a flat voice.
“This is a cruel way of showing you care, then.”
“What happened to ‘the new and improved Riley Benson’?” Liz teased, lowering herself onto the floor and poking Riley on the shoulder. “Hm, dating pro?”
“I lied,” Riley squeaked out. “I admit it! I’m a liar! And this lying sack of shit would very much prefer to stay home and eat an entire tray of Oreos. So can you just leave me be, at least for today? Pretty please?”
“No can do,” Liz said with a laugh, grabbing Riley’s arm and pulling her up from the ground. “This is an intervention, my friend.”
“Besides, you know what they say,” Audrey began as she waltzed back into the room, her arms filled with skimpy skirts and neon-hued dresses. “The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new!”
Nine
“I gave up my socks for this?”
“Can you at least pretend that you’re having fun?” Liz cried out over the blaring electronic music, playfully nudging her glum friend on the shoulder.
“Whoo,” Riley flatly replied, an unamused expression on her face as she looked around the rowdy nightclub. “Fun overload. Can we go home now?”
“God, there are so many cute guys here,” Audrey gushed, poking her head in between her two friends and sighing gleefully. “It’s totally our lucky night!”
Riley proceeded to frown at her peppy roommate as Liz let out a tired laugh. “I don’t know about me, but you two should definitely go on ahead and find some hot distractions. Especially you, Miss I’m-having-the-time-of-my-life,” she added, shooting Riley a pointed stare.
“Why are we even here?” Riley loudly groaned. “Everyone knows that a club isn’t the place to meet your future husband!”
“Well, I met Henry at a club,” Liz reminded her. “Didn’t I?”
Henry was Liz’s impossibly boring boyfriend, an egotistic ex-frat boy who’d graduated from Yale just two years prior before settling down in Santa Monica to work at some hoity-toity venture capital firm. It was apparent that he came from old money, what with his condescending tone of voice and raging entitlement issues. He was the type to berate Liz in public for ordering the wrong varietal of wine to pair with her entrée or for incorrectly using “further” instead of “farther” in a sentence. Simply put, he was a douche commander.
“You’re so lucky you’re in a committed relationship with someone so mature and responsible,” Audrey whimpered, gazing enviously at the glittering diamond ring that adorned Liz’s hand. Henry had presented his adoring girlfriend with his grandmother’s vintage Cartier ring on their first anniversary, a gesture that had made Riley wretch in disgust and Audrey wail in jealousy. “I want to be engaged while still in college, too!”
“It’s just a promise ring,” Liz said with a roll of her eyes.
“Well, I don’t have anyone to promise me anything,” Audrey muttered in response.
“Fine, let’s change that,” Riley called out with a dismissive wave of her hand, surveying the room with narrowed eyes as Audrey brightened up at the prospect of obtaining her very own ring.
“Nuh-uh,” Liz interjected with a firm shake of her head. “Today is about finding you a lover, not Gollum over here,” she added, prompting Audrey to let out an offended scoff.
“I have enough lovers to last me a lifetime,” Riley said with a sniff, resuming her search. “And their names happen to be Nabisco, Frito-Lay and Taco Bell.”
“Speaking of which, you need to stop eating your emotions,” Liz replied as she grabbed Riley’s empty glass and began walking towards the bar to get them another round of drinks. “Cookie crumbs in your hair aren’t cute!”
“What does she know,” Riley grumbled once Liz was out of earshot.
“Cosmo did have an article that mentioned that boys like vanilla-based scents,” Audrey offered with a shrug.
“You always were my favorite,” Riley sarcastically replied, throwing her arm around Audrey’s shoulders. “Now, let’s try and find a nice, unsuspecting victim for you to prey on.”
“Victim?”
“How about those douche canoes over there?” Riley suggested, pointing at a table surrounded by what appeared to be a set of fist-pumping quintuplets, each of them donning a perfectly styled coif and an impeccably pressed Oxford shirt. “They look like they’d have plenty of vintage heirloom rings lying around at home.”
“Ooh, that one’s cute!” Audrey enthused in agreement, leaning over the rail to get a better look. “Wait a minute...”
“Is that... Henry?” Riley asked in a loud whisper, turning abruptly to share a dumbfounded look with her equally startled friend.
“Is what Henry?” Liz’s voice inquired from behind them.
“Eep!” Audrey shrieked in surprise, backing away from the railing as if it were on fire. “No one! I mean, nothing! I, er...”
Riley felt herself stiffen in panic as Liz shoved a pair of ice-cold glasses into her hands and pushed past her pair of friends to take a look for herself. She and Audrey exchanged an entire silent conversation with terror in their eyes, frantically mouthing things like “holy shit” and “what the fuck do we do” to each other before Liz turned around with a steely look on her face.
“What. The. Fuck.”
“How are you sure it’s even him?” Riley squeaked out, letting out a pathetic attempt at a lighthearted laugh. “I mean, a lot of guys have that hairstyle and—”
“It’s him,” Liz growled through clenched teeth. “I can’t fucking believe it! He cancelled our dinner plans because he said he was stuck at the office!”
“Liz, I’m sure he’s just here for some... work thing,” Audrey blurted out in hopes to calm her infuriated roommate, though the sheer number of scantily clad model wannabes crowded around the boys’ table suggested otherwise. “Maybe... maybe they’re working on a deal for Victoria’s Secret!”
Riley shot Audrey a horrified expression as Liz proceeded to glare at the poor girl with menacing eyes. “Why the fuck would you say that?” Riley mouthed to her frightened friend, who merely let out a tiny whimper in response.
“I’m sure it’s nothing,” Riley quickly insisted, wrapping her arm around Liz to firmly keep the scene of the crime out of the enraged girl’s field of view. “He’s probably just—”
In another fit of anger, Liz abruptly spun around and glanced down at her supposedly perfect boyfriend, who now had his hand delicately placed on some freakishly tall blonde stunner’s ass. “Oh my God,” she uttered in misery, succumbing to a spell of hyperventilation as she did. “Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.”
“Maybe it’s not as bad as it looks from up here?” Audrey mumbled, a pained cringe on her face. “I’m sure he’s just... oh.”
The three of them stared down at the table in silence, watching as the blonde proceeded to push Henry down on the banquette seat, straddle his lap and begin profusely making out with him, right there in front of everyone. The strobe lights above continued to blindingly pulse to the music, giving the trio a bird’s eye view to what was basically a stop-motion softcore porno film starring Liz’s boyfriend and his plaything for the
evening.
“He’s sleeping with her,” Liz concluded, her hands shaking in anger as the words left her mouth. “You can totally tell by the way he’s touching her. They’ve probably been sleeping together this whole time.”
“No way,” Riley loudly declared, though she was well aware that Liz was probably right. “I’m sure he’s just really drunk.”
“Is that an excuse?” Liz scoffed in disgust, not tearing her eyes away from the scene for even a second.
“Of course not,” Riley quickly replied, letting out a tired sigh. “Ugh, all guys really are assholes.”
“Do you think he’s slept with anyone else?” Liz suddenly asked, turning to her friends with widened eyes. “Oh God, am I going to have to go to student health and get myself checked? Those girls look like they’d be harboring all sorts of novel strains of herpes!”
At this, Riley felt her eyes bulge out in surprise, her arm limply falling from Liz’s shoulders. Why hadn’t she thought of that before? How had that possibility never crossed her mind?
All that she had worried about was what people would think, or how many people had known, or if Noah had fallen in love with one of his digital paramours. Of course a responsible girl like Liz would think about the practical repercussions of her boyfriend’s illicit affairs. Only someone as stupid as herself wouldn’t have thought of such glaringly obvious matters after finding out about the string of girls with whom she had shared Noah’s bed.
Fuck, fuck, fuck! Had Noah used protection when he’d cheated on her? He was, after all, the one who’d made her get an IUD because he hated wearing condoms. Was it possible that she was now the not-so-proud owner of an exotic vernereal disease?
“I feel sick,” Liz muttered under her breath, blinking furiously as she pushed past her friends and began making her way towards the exit. “I need to get out of here.”
Riley numbly nodded in agreement to no one in particular as she and Audrey scampered after her, feeling extremely nauseous as they pushed through the sweaty crowd. Without a doubt, she had honestly never felt sicker in her entire life.
Ten
“So I put my hands up, they’re playing my song! The butterflies fly away!”
“Shut the fuck up, Max!”
“I’m nodding my head like ‘yeah,’ moving my hips like ‘yeah’!”
“How the fuck do you even remember the lyrics to this song?” Riley grumbled.
“Got my hands up, they’re playing my song, and now I’m gonna be okay,” Max continued, ignoring his miserable friend in the passenger seat.
“You’re fucking kidding me.”
“Yeeeeeeeah, it’s a party in the USA!” he wailed out, looking over and grinning maniacally at Riley as she shot him a death glare.
“Yeaaaaaaah! It’s a party in the USA!”
With an annoyed groan, Riley slammed the palm of her hand against the volume button, effectively shutting off the blaring music and rendering the car silent.
“Rude,” Max said with a theatrical scoff, shooting her a judgmental glance before turning his eyes back to the road.
“I’m not in the mood, okay?” Riley snapped, sulking in her seat with her arms tightly crossed in front of her chest. She was well aware that Max had just been trying to lighten the atmosphere, but all of his obnoxious screaming was making her feel even more on edge.
“Look,” Max began in a soft voice. “Everything’s going to be all right. Let’s just get your results so you can stop freaking out.”
Riley let out a long sigh. “I hope so,” she muttered under her breath. “Thanks... Thanks for coming with me again, by the way.”
“I’m your spirit guide, remember?” he reminded her, turning to give her a small smile.
Forcing a weak smile onto her own face, Riley let out a shaky sigh. “Well, let’s hope you won’t be having to guide me to the pharmacy after this.”
“Don’t say shit like that,” he quietly replied as he pulled into the parking lot behind the health center and shut off the engine. “Besides, I went through this entire process with you, remember? ‘We’re totes twinsies.’”
Riley couldn’t help but let out a tiny snort of laughter at his lame impersonation of Audrey before unbuckling her seatbelt and pushing the car door open. “Totes,” she repeated in a hollow voice, a feeling of dread washing over her as she stared at the clinic’s unassuming front door.
Max noticed her quiet demeanor and reassuredly wrapped his arm around her shoulders, trying not to blush as he did. “I know he’s my friend and everything,” he began, clearing his throat uncomfortably before continuing. “But I really hate him for putting you through all of this.”
Riley shot him a grateful smile before taking a deep breath. “Let’s just get this over with,” she muttered as he led her towards the entrance.
The morning after that fateful night at the club, Riley had bombarded Max with a series of texts, demanding that he relay any information that he might have had on the sexual habits that Noah had employed with his army of sluts. Despite Max’s insistence that, no, he did not know if Noah had used protection during his dalliances, Riley continued to harass him well into the early afternoon. Fed up with her nagging and anxiety-fueled outbursts, Max had driven over to the distraught girl’s apartment and dragged her to the local health clinic for a comprehensive exam.
“I don’t want to,” Riley had whined in protest. “I’m scared!”
“I’ll get tested with you,” Max had offered, as he would have been willing to do anything to get her to stop whimpering. “We’ll do this together.”
Sitting under the fluorescent lighting in the waiting room had been absolutely agonizing for the both of them, with Riley nervously wringing her hands as she stared off into the distance and Max flipping through a pile of precautionary pamphlets with a horrified expression on his face. Chronicling their respective sexual histories to the clinic workers had made them feel cheap and slightly petrified, prompting them to carefully observe their interviewers’ faces for any signs of judgment or disapproval. The poking and prodding that occurred within the sterile exam rooms had been somewhat humiliating, and the two had barely spoken a word to each other as they made their way back to Max’s car.
The next few days had been torture for Riley, with her jumping at the mere trilling of her text message ringtone. The receptionist had informed them that the clinic would call in the event that there were any positive results, but that no call would be made if the findings were negative. When the provided time frame of 3-5 days had passed with no fateful call making an appearance, Riley had assumed that the silence simply meant that the clinic lost her phone number. And so, she had explained her theory to Max, who had rolled his eyes and begrudgingly picked her up for another trip to the health center so that she could receive an in-person confirmation of her results, whatever they might be.
“All clear,” the nurse confirmed with a warm smile after flipping through the chart in her hands.
“Are you sure?” Riley slowly asked, trying to peer at what was written on the lab paperwork. “Like, those are definitely my results?”
“Definitely your results,” the nurse repeated before letting out a small chuckle. “You’re good to go!”
After thanking the nurse profusely and even pulling the unsuspecting woman in for a hug, Riley practically skipped back out to the reception area, where Max was waiting for her with an amused smirk on his face. “To the pharmacy?” he joked, causing Riley to let out a relieved laugh as they headed towards the exit.
“In celebration of our cleanliness, I’m going to buy you the greasiest, messiest, most disgusting pizza that we can find,” Max announced once he had started the car, looking over at her with a grin. “Sounds good?”
“It’s a date,” Riley agreed with a giggle, leaning back in her seat and closing her eyes blissfully as Max’s cheeks quickly reddened at her response. “Hey, what’s with the air?” she added with a frown, holding up a hand to block the vent in front of
her as a stream of lukewarm air proceeded to blow out of it. “It’s freaking cold outside.”
“Really?” Max choked out, turning away slightly so that she wouldn’t notice his flustered expression. “It, er, feels so, uh, stuffy in here.”
“Weirdo,” she muttered under her breath before directing the air flow in his direction. “Anyway, I’m really glad I have you, Max. Thanks for... everything.”
“Don’t even worry about it,” he quietly replied, glancing over to find her smiling at him.
Just go ahead and fucking tell her, you idiot, he urged himself. This is literally the hundredth time that she’s left herself wide open for it. Just grow some balls and tell her how you really feel. It’s not that fuckin diff—
“At least now I can go back to dating without worrying about all of this,” Riley said happily. “Imagine what a wreck I would’ve been if I still didn’t know my results!”
Great fucking job, you useless sack of shit, Max silently berated himself, fighting the urge to repeatedly slam his forehead against the steering wheel. You really do deserve to be in the friend zone, jackass.
“You’re really going to go back to dating?” Max asked, letting out a tired sigh. “What happened to ‘all guys are assholes’? You said that no member of the male species could be trusted!”
“Sure, guys like Noah and Henry can’t be trusted,” Riley replied with a dismissive wave of her hand. “But I’m sure there are nice guys out there too! After all, you exist!”
So date me, the voice inside Max’s head pleaded. Oh wait, that’s impossible, because this motherfucker right here is a complete pussy who hasn’t been able to tell you how he’s felt for the past fifteen fucking years!
“Anyway, I can’t believe that Liz still hasn’t confronted that loser yet,” Riley continued, wrinkling her nose in disappointment. “She’s just been avoiding him this entire time! He thinks she has the flu!”
