Before long we were sipping on cold drinks and enjoying some decent entertainment under the darkening, night sky. A young couple got up from one of the many overcrowded benches and Edwin made a run for it. We took our seat and absorbed the warm atmosphere. The first star of the night twinkled proudly in the distance over the water. When I drew my eyes away from it, I noticed that Edwin couldn't take his eyes off of me. His intense blue eyes made the night sky pale in comparison, mesmerizing me with the immeasurable depths.
"You look beautiful tonight Abs," Edwin said, charming and sweet.
"Thanks," I said, blushing seven shades of pink.
Edwin was proud and amused from his ability to affect me like that. He slid my butt closer to him, leaving just enough room behind me for a tall thin blonde woman to slide up on the bench next to me. The music was winding down, meaning the fireworks were about to begin, but Edwin was only aware of me.
We hadn't even brought up the issue we so badly needed to resolve, but it seemed so far from his mind at the moment. I gulped, ready to say what I had to say, but when I looked up, I found Hunter and Aliah sitting no more than thirty feet away from us. Hunter's hands started to flag me down like I was an aircraft ready for takeoff. He pulled on Aliah's arm, dragging her toward us through the tight-packed crowd. When she finally realized where she was going, she didn't look too impressed about it.
"Hey guys," Hunter hollered to us, well before we were in casual speaking distance.
"Hey," I said quietly to Aliah, as she stopped across from me, while Hunter and Edwin greeted each other.
"Oh, are we talking again?" Aliah asked scornfully.
I stood up, but kept my leg tacked to the bench to make sure no one could steal my spot. I spoke extra softly, so our bubbly blonde neighbour would mind her own business. "Yes we are. It was a misunderstanding Ally. I didn’t mean for you to get hurt."
"Hurt? Who said I was hurt? You're the one that was all bandaged up," she scoffed.
I scowled at her, so angry that she brought up my ridiculous, self-inflicted injury, but glad that she was talking to me at all. I tucked my bandaged hand behind my back. "You know what I mean. Can we call a truce... please?" I pleaded.
She rolled her eyes at me, but in a friendly settling kind of way, and I knew we were good. "You look hot by the way," she said softly, smiling.
"She does look incredible tonight, doesn't she?" Edwin said, interrupting my private apology.
"Thank you. I'm just glad that you're talking to me," I said to Aliah.
"Okay, so I may have overreacted," Aliah admitted.
I gave her a hug and whispered in her ear. "We so need to talk later." When I pulled away from her, she smiled and nodded at me.
The guys looked at each other curiously, knowing that something was up, but didn’t bother to intrude. The music ended and, just as I suspected, a jolly light-hearted fellow on the microphone notified everyone that the light show was about to begin.
"It’s good to see you guys, but we don't want to lose our spot over there. We've got chairs and everything," Hunter said.
"Yeah, maybe we'll catch up with you later?" Aliah added, before Hunter pulled her back to their hideaway in the grass, eyes rolling.
"See ya," Edwin said with a chuckle.
I turned my attention back to him. He was looking extremely hot himself, his juicy pink lips calling my name.
"You look absolutely stunning tonight," Edwin said, reflecting my own thoughts.
"Thanks," I replied, another embarrassing blush causing me to submissively stare at my hands. I couldn’t help but notice that the girl still sitting next to us seemed a little too enveloped in Edwin's compliments. She was staring all starry-eyed at him. Back off bitch, they aren't meant for you.
"Look, the fireworks are starting," Edwin said, pointing at the red glow over the water. He put his arm around me, pulling me into his little world and distracting me from the nosy lady next to me.
We cuddled under the twinkling stars as we watched the rainbow of colours burst into the dark night sky. The crowd oohed and awed over the array of lights. Some of the kids playfully tossed around their glow necklaces into the air as others enjoyed the show in their parents’ laps. A few parents had to leave the crowd as their young children screamed in fear, which might have scared off the thought of having children by most, but it only made me think of how badly I wanted a child of my own.
The grand finale was followed by a howling crowd and cheering children, who were ecstatic for being allowed to stay up well past their bed time. I admired the smiling families as they cuddled together on their blankets enjoying their quality time together. I wanted that.
I smiled at Edwin, who had been watching my eyes almost too carefully. He looked a little frightened and that worried me. We quietly waited as a rush of people hurried toward their parked cars. After a few minutes, we casually made our way back to the water taxi. We had avoided the conversation long enough. It was time.
CHAPTER TWENTY TWO
~
THE WATER TAXI DROVE on, guided only by moonlight, as I looked into Edwin's soul. His arm was draped over the seat behind me and he stared out over the water at the colourless sky. I could sense a looming sadness weighing heavy on his eyes that hadn't been there the rest of the night. My heart ached as I imagined why that might be and I knew I had to clarify a few things with him right away.
"We need to talk," I said softly. I sounded so calm, even though I was a total mess inside.
He nodded in agreement, though hesitant. Then, without giving me a free second to collect my words, he pressed his lips hard against mine. When his mouth pulled away, it left me feeling cold, naked and defenceless. I gulped the lump from the back of my throat and tears started to form in the corners my eyes. The suspense was killing me. I had to know. I had to ask. Now.
"I know how freaked out you got when you heard about Maddie being pregnant, and I have to admit that it worried me a little. Okay, maybe a lot. I've told you I want kids and honestly, I'm ready to move forward in life. Now. I’m looking to be in a committed relationship, so I can get married and start a family." There, I said it.
I stopped, hoping Edwin hadn’t heard my voice breaking up from emotion, but my breathlessness was choking me and I couldn't disguise it. The fact that he noticed, and squeezed my shoulder to acknowledge how difficult this was for me, just choked me up even more. So why wasn’t saying anything?
"I want to start a family with you Eddie, but I can't wait forever. I need to know where you stand, and sooner rather than later. We can't go on like this if it's not gonna lead where I need it to go." I stopped again, hoping Edwin would take his turn already. I had said my part, as hard as it was, and now it looked like it was my turn to take a lashing.
He took my hand, squeezed it tightly in his, and drew a sharp breath. "Abs, you know I love you."
I took a deep fearful breath, after taking my first beating. It was bad. The end was nigh.
"I love you so much," he continued, "but I know that it's not enough for you. I do want kids… just not now. I feel like we haven't had a chance to fully enjoy each other yet. I can just imagine the restrictions having children would put on us and I can't understand why you want that now. We wouldn't have the freedom to be able to up and do things as we please."
I put up my hand up in the air, like a stop sign, because his words were really starting to piss me off. I didn't want to fight, but he really had it coming. "You’re acting like a child. It's called growing up," I said, angry and distant.
He must have expected a storm of emotion, because he didn't even try to fight me off. "I know. But when I heard Hunter's gonna have a little rug rat of his own running around, I just couldn't imagine that for me. I just got done school Abs, and I've hardly settled into my first job. I’ve always planned to settle into my career before starting a family. You know that. If you could just give me some more time..."
"How much more time do you need Eddie," I cut in, "because
I need to know now. If you can't see it in your near future, then I'm afraid that our lives are turning in different directions again. If I get off the roller coaster ride this time, I won't be getting back on." I swung my knees away from him and stared away at nothing in particular. Red had etched across every sparkle of light on the water, as I was reminded how many spectators we had. That same red fused across my cheeks, embarrassment joining all of my other spoiled emotions.
Edwin tapped me lightly on the shoulder. I didn’t spin around until I had extracted every sign of weakness from my face.
"Okay, so say our life goals aren't entirely lined up at the moment,” Edwin said softly. “Does that mean that we can't be together? Am I expected to go back to being just friends with you? You know I can’t do that."
My eyes met his and I wondered if my pain showed as excruciatingly clear as his did. It hurts, I know, but it's now or never. "I'm not getting any younger Eddie, and I'm ready for kids. So, unless you are too, I have to try something different. This just won’t cut it for me anymore," I said.
The truth hurt, but not as bad as the thought of breaking Edwin's heart. I was losing the lover who refused to give me children on demand, but he was losing his girlfriend, the love of his life and his future.
"We can try to work through this and figure it out together. It has worked for us before," he insisted.
Softly, "This is different. I think we've already done the figuring. It just so happens that this time it puts us apart. I'm looking for a lifelong commitment Eddie and you’ve made it pretty clear that you’re nowhere near ready to set your life in stone," I explained tearfully.
My next breath was sharp and, on an exhale, it felt like a piece of my heart was clawing up my wind pipe.
Edwin took my ice cold hands into his. "Abs, I'm ready to settle down with you romantically, if that's all you're asking. Marry me," he pleaded, dropping to both of his knees before me.
He pulled both of my hands to his mouth and pressed his lips against them. His imploring eyes took in my faint smile, but there was no humour in it.
I wished that it was enough for me: To spend the rest of my life with Edwin, baby or no baby. Tears threatened when I pulled him back up to his seat. Gasps sounded from the intrigued crowd nosing in our business.
I turned my shoulder to block out the others and faced Edwin. "Eddie, you don't mean that. You don't even have a ring. That's not what this is. I don’t want to pressure you into anything. Maybe the timing isn't right, or maybe we just aren’t meant to be," I said, nearly choking on a soft cry.
"We are Abs.” He lifted my dipped chin and stared hard at me, with dark, fathomless eyes. “I want you to be my wife," he pleaded, desperate now.
His nose nudged my moist face and, despite the terrifying conversation, it gave me comfort to have him this close. Maybe it could work. But for how long?
Thunder boomed from my heart and tears stormed from my eyes. A trembling breath escaped my mouth, when his soft skin touched mine, but I shook my head. No. "This isn't how it's supposed to work. I want to marry out of love, not out of fear," I cried softly.
Edwin took my face in his hands and tilted my head up high, until my blood shot eyes met his, dark blue and intense. "I do want to marry you for love. I won't believe you don't trust that. It’s just that I'm not quite ready to exchange my freedom for babies right now. Please understand," he begged.
What was left of my heart crushed at the sound of the Edwin's words. Heavy machinery came and leveled my dreams. "I'm ready for babies now. I'm sorry, I can't settle for anything less." I sobbed, a hysterical gasp echoing through the night.
"I just can't do it," he said, fraught with sadness. "If you would just trust me, it will happen. I love you so much and I have every intention of giving you babies. Later."
I suddenly wished I could jump from the taxi and swim to the shore. The ride was painstakingly slow and I'm sure we had entertained the other patrons to no end. I thought long and hard about what Edwin was proposing, but I couldn't imaging spending another year with him, for fear that he could swear off having children altogether.
Weary, angry even, I refused to leave anything off the table. "When then?" I asked.
He stuttered for a few seconds and stopped trying altogether. With a sigh, "I don't know Abs, when we're both ready."
"Honestly Eddie, I love you now more than I’ve ever loved you. I want to be with you. But I can’t play the waiting game. And this is not something I’m willing to leave to chance."
"I'll come around. You know I want a family too," he insisted.
"It's cut and dry for me Eddie. I want a family now. It's as plain as that."
As the ferry finally approached the dock, I hurried to the front hoping to make a quick exit. When we came to a full stop, I was the first one waiting at the door, impatiently begging the door to unlock so I could run away.
Edwin dragged up behind me and the other passengers formed a V behind him, allowing him to follow me uninterrupted. He rested his hand on the small of my back and I squeezed my teary eyes shut as he brought his lips to my ear. "You know where I stand," he whispered.
I spun around, seriously distraught. My eyes narrowed and my voice rose. "So this is it?"
"Now that's up to you," he replied calmly.
Leave it up to a lawyer to turn the burden on me. I choked back the gloom hanging in the back of my throat, but I couldn't stop the drops from sliding down my face. "What am I supposed to say to that?" I asked soundlessly.
"I won't leave you Abs. This is your decision. You either love me or leave me," he said frankly.
The door latched open.
I leapt from the ferry and rushed down the dock crying. "I'm sorry," I wept.
CHAPTER TWENTY THREE
~
YOU KNOW WHERE I stand. Those were the last words that Edwin said to me before I swallowed my courage, ended our relationship and terminated the only thing that was real to me. It's official: Abigail Jenkins and Edwin Santora are no more. Standing next to his truck, I wept and wept some more.
If I get off this roller coaster ride this time, I won't be getting back on. Why did I say that? Why? Oh yes, because it's true. That's right… I did the right thing. No babies: no Abby.
Edwin took his time getting back to the truck as I waited alone in the shadows, unaffected by the darkness. My eyes were flooded with tears, my vision blurred, my mind cluttered with sadness. I could see a large man approaching me, but I couldn't tell who it was and I didn't care.
"Get in the truck," he barked, unlocking the door remotely.
It was apparent that Edwin had finally decided to grace me with his presence and he was extremely mad. For that I didn't give two shits because I was even madder.
The pain in my chest pulsed, excruciating, the ring of the chirping crickets, relentless. The sounds were almost deafening. I scurried into the front seat to get away, but the sounds still hung in my ears. I tried to concentrate on the steady rumble of the truck's engine, but that didn't help either, silent voices in my head taunting, blaming me. Stop it! It's not my fault.
Edwin shifted the truck into reverse and punched the gas, showboating his anger, shooting stones into the grass. He slammed the stick into drive and punched it again, this time shooting stones at the feet of our trailing audience.
No doubt he wanted to get us home as fast as possible. I shared that desire. I pressed a cold hand to my forehead in an attempt to ease the tension, but I knew better. Nothing will make this better.
There isn't a drug in the world that could make this feeling go away. We both knew it was over between us. There was no other way. Our stubbornness had caused us to butt heads in the past and surprise, surprise, here we are again. So much for learning from my mistakes.
I smeared the tears from my cheeks as they continued to drip from my eyes. Edwin stared at me through disappointed eyes, carefully inspecting my reaction. What did he expect?
After the longest, most agonizing ride home,
I hurried inside for some soul searching. From the sound of the engine and the squealing tires, as Edwin pulled away from the house like a psycho, I knew that he was pissed. He raced off to blow of some steam and seek some lonely refuge, as he always did whenever we argued. And, on cue, I wept to myself trying to figure out where I went wrong. Hard to believe we were so blissfully happy a few short hours ago; that bliss now long lost.
I ran upstairs to my bedroom with plans of improving my outlook on life, but instead I sobbed and moaned about losing Edwin, the exact same way I had done too many times before. How could I call it losing him when I intentionally pushed him away this time? I tortured myself with desperate whimpers of regret and despair, until I finally cried myself to sleep.
The next morning came, whether I wanted it to or not. Though I barely slept a wink, I wasn’t even sure whether Edwin had returned home last night. I laid there quiet, mouth shut, door closed, still absorbed in my self-inflicted misery. I listened carefully for any rummaging around the house. I couldn't face Edwin so soon. Unfortunately, it was Sunday and we typically laid low on Sundays. It didn’t matter how long I’d have to wait him out. I could not face him.
A couple of hours passed before I finally heard him settle in downstairs with the TV blaring. I had a desperate need to use the washroom, so I jumped out of bed, not wasting the opportunity, and tiptoed to the bathroom unnoticed.
When I returned to my room I closed the door quietly and hopped back in bed, still not quite ready to face the day. I pulled out my I-pod and turned on the music super loud. In a matter of minutes the music had me sobbing in my pillow.
The more I thought about Edwin’s tender kiss and his hard exterior, the more I started to second guess my decision. Why do I put us through such punishment when we are so in love? At least I’m still in love with him. Who knows how he feels about me now, after what I did to him. I can't believe I broke up with him.
There was a part of me that wanted so badly to run down the stairs, jump into his arms and apologize for my ridiculous antics, but this isn't the movies and things don't always work that way. I still had to fight the urge. I’d better get out of the house before I really do something I regret.
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