I step forward and put my arms around Blaze’s broad shoulders. As pissed as I’ve been about the mess he made earlier this year, I have nothing but sympathy for he and Tully right now.
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Blaze.”
He gives me a grim smile as we part. “Thanks, Shannon. I appreciate you getting these guys home for the services though. I need them right now.” He grabs Garrett’s hand and pulls him in for a quick backslap hug.
“Of course,” I answer. “Rhapsody’s a family, I want you guys to be there for one another. Rock and roll’s too hard if you don’t have each other’s backs.”
“Speaking of,” Blaze interjects. “I don’t know how to thank you for paying for the funeral. Dez told me that it was your idea—” I glance at Dez, but he’s looking down at the pavement, arms crossed in front of him, closed off—to me anyway.
“It was the least we could do. Really. I just hope it takes a little bit of the pressure off of Savannah.”
“It does. I don’t think she would have accepted but she’s so shell-shocked right now she couldn’t get up the energy to fight us when we told her. I won’t let her struggle with anything money-wise, but she doesn’t know that yet, and she’ll be a pain in my ass when it comes time for me to write some checks.” He sighs. “The women in that family are damn stubborn.”
We all laugh because we know Tully, and if Savvy’s anything like her younger sister stubborn doesn’t even begin to cover it. The only thing she’s never been stubborn about is Blaze, and maybe that’s a good thing; two people that stubborn in one relationship might not survive.
“Well, we better get going,” Dez says as he looks at his phone.
“You ready for this?” Garrett asks Blaze.
“I don’t think anyone is ever ready for something like this,” he answers.
No one else speaks as we climb into the car, because truer words have never been spoken.
Dez
I’ve been to traditional churches a handful of times in my life, but I’m hardly what the average Catholic would call religious—and I definitely don’t meet the standard definition of Christian. My mother was raised Buddhist, my father Methodist, and while the spiritual beliefs in their household more closely mirror her upbringing than his, they aren’t strictly anything in particular.
I’ve spent years examining my own beliefs and coming to grips with what I can buy into and what I can’t. One thing that I always strive to be genuine about, however, is the idea that people can come to a place of peace and possibly even bliss in lots of different ways, and if it suits you and doesn’t hurt others, then it’s all good. I have to remind myself of this while I sit through a lengthy mass at Tully’s family’s Irish Catholic church. The repetitive back and forth between the priest and the congregation is numbing and maybe that’s the purpose. If we’re all so deadened by the end then Kevin’s death won’t hurt so fiercely.
Because it does—hurt that is. Even though I didn’t know him well, and only know Savvy slightly better, I know who he was in the world—a father, a husband, a business owner, a man who was loved. And I know how he died—senselessly, needlessly, suddenly, violently. And if that doesn’t hurt you no matter who you might be, then you’re not human.
I glance to my left at Shannon’s profile. Blaze is on my right, directly behind Tully who is in the first row in front of us with Savvy, their parents, and Kevin’s family. Luckily for all of us Tully’s brother’s have been relegated to the folding chairs along the sides of the pews because they’re pallbearers.
I have to give the priest credit for continuing on through the commotion at the beginning of the service when everyone realized that Tully’s bandmates from Lush were in the church. Joss Jamison, Mike Owens, Walsh Clark, and Colin Douglas are iconic figures in Portland and there is no way all of them and their wives can be in one room together and not be noticed. But from everything Blaze has said, they would never leave Tully to face all of this alone. Lush has always been a tightknit family, and when Tully joined they took her in one hundred percent.
We all echo back to the priest yet again and I see Shannon’s gaze dart my way. I give her a tight smile and her eyes drop to her lap as a blush creeps up her neck. She’s so fair it’s impossible for her to keep from broadcasting her anxieties far and wide. I admit I was surprised when she said she’d be coming to the funeral, but then I realized that it’s a chance for our entire band to score points with Lush. It’ll never do us any good to have one of the most powerful bands in the business hate us. And while Blaze has a tentative peace with them, Shannon wants to mend as many fences as possible. To people outside of the industry that might sound callous or shallow, but I understand it. Shannon is good at what she does—the best, in fact—and she has Rhapsody’s interests at heart in everything she does.
I watch Tully’s sister, Savannah, as she sits silently in the hard wood pew. Her slight frame is as rigid as the bench, and her face is expressionless. I haven’t seen a single emotion cross it. Tully’s father has been assigned to take care of Savvy and Kevin’s little boy, and the two of them left the service nearly thirty minutes ago. Savvy didn’t even seem to notice.
As the congregation continues and the priest drops words from his lips like water drops from a leaking faucet, I can’t help but think about the woman next to me. Being near her is harder now than it ever was before, because I know what that skin tastes like, I remember the feeling of her lips under mine, I’ve felt the most secret place in her, and she’s given me a glimpse of what she’s like when she lets all of her passionate energy free. It’s spectacular—she’s spectacular—and a big part of me is afraid that I’ll never get to see that happen again.
Everyone says “Amen” yet again, but this time the priest doesn’t move into more prayer, he lifts his head, eyes sad, looking out over the congregation as he begins to speak.
“I was twenty-six years old, and had only been assigned to this parish for three months when a tiny baby boy was brought to me for baptism. His name was Kevin Douglas Scott, and while I didn’t want to admit it to the family at the time, he was the very first baby that I ever gave baptismal rites to.” A flutter of chuckles weaves through the church, and I hear Kevin’s mother sob once as her head bows and his father pulls her into his arms.
“For the nearly three decades since, I was given the immeasurable pleasure of watching that baby boy grow into a fine young man. He had a few bumps along the way—there was the time he and the other altar boys decided to dress the statue of Our Lady, and I found her only minutes before services were to start wearing a dominatrix costume and a sign with the lyrics to Like a Virgin.” The congregation laughs louder this time.
“But in spite of his misspent youth—” the priest pauses, smiling so everyone knows he’s only kidding, “—Kevin went on to be the picture of responsibility, community, and God’s eternal love. And without a doubt, one of the best days I’ve ever had in my duties was the day I married Kevin and his childhood sweetheart, Savannah.”
Heads turn, seeking out Savvy, and I see Tully lean into her, offering comfort, but Savvy doesn’t move, not a muscle. It’s as if she’s made of glass, she’s so cold and brittle.
“Kevin loved Savannah in a way that could only be sent by God. He worshiped her for the strong woman and loving mother that she is. They worked side by side, from an early age, building a life, contributing to their church, and providing a fine example for other young people in the community. He was everything his parents, both those on earth, and those in heaven, could have wished for.”
Kevin’s mother falls apart completely now, sobbing into her husband’s arms as her daughter, Kevin’s older sister, comforts her from the other side. And still, Savvy doesn’t move.
I hear a quick intake of breath from Shannon, and look over to see her wiping away a tear. It’s taking all I’ve got to keep from crying myself, but I want to be here for Tully and Blaze, and I can’t be if I let my emotions ride roughshod over me.
“Don’t,” I whisper, “please.” She shakes her head, a small scowl forming between her brows, then takes one shuddering breath and lets it out slowly.
“I’m fine,” she whispers back, pulling her hand away from mine. My fingers flex, aching to touch her again, even if it’s only for a flash in time.
I turn back to face the priest who is now engaged in the age-old dance that all clergy must know the steps to—how to explain a merciful God when a merciless death comes to your home.
For me, the universe is a place of infinite possibilities, and those can be good or bad, beautiful or ugly. Sometimes the bad and the ugly cross paths with the good and the beautiful, and there is always a winner and a loser. Last week Kevin was the loser.
But for most of these people in this church, the universe is only the collection of things created by an omnipotent God, and therefore Kevin didn’t lose so much as he moved on—to better things in his case. The way he moved on was horrible, no matter what your belief system, but for his family, where he moved on to means everything.
“So,” the priest says in closing, “I ask that you keep Kevin’s family in your prayers, and especially his widow and child. Come together during this moment of tragedy, for we are all being tested, and I know that the members of this community will prove to God and to the world that we are strong enough to fight the demons who seek to destroy our peace, and who took one of our own from us last Friday night.”
As those of us who are close friends or family stand on the steps to the church after the service, waiting for the long line of black cars to load up and take us to the cemetery, I watch Savvy. She stood stoically in a receiving line while the church full of people emptied past her, murmuring words of sympathy and offers of support. I notice that Tully stays glued to her, watching as carefully as I have been. It’s pretty apparent that Savvy hasn’t broken yet, and when she does, it’s going to be life-altering. I hurt for Blaze and Tully when it happens.
Now, with the last of the guests gone, Tully’s mom is walking Savvy’s little boy up and down the church steps while her father organizes the cars and helps load various relatives into the limos. Tully leans in and whispers something in Savvy’s ear before moving away.
And then, as Savvy’s left standing alone on the top of the stairs Garrett appears at her side, bending his head to talk to her as she stares into nothing. Whatever he says gets the only reaction from her that I’ve seen the entire day. For a split second her façade breaks, and the pain in her eyes is sharp. Garrett reaches for her, but she jerks back and his hand drops to his side like a rock sinking in a pail of water. His expression falls and his head hangs like a dog who’s been scolded.
The coat of armor rolls back over Savvy and her face goes blank again. Tully calls to her gently and Savvy turns and walks down the steps to enter a limo. She never once looks back at Garrett, but I see something in his face that I’ve never seen before. It’s not lust, and it’s not want, it’s something poignant and sad, something a lot like regret.
“The sixth car in line is ours.” Shannon’s voice is near my shoulder.
I look down at her and the damn ache that haunts me each night rears its painful head. I’ve gotten used to it in the last week, but that doesn’t mean I want to meet up with it in broad daylight. Because my pain over Shannon’s rejection is not something to be illuminated, exposed, and examined. It’s something I keep close, clutched to me in darkness. Now I’m feeling it and it’s inconvenient and embarrassing, it’s also controlling me instead of the other way around.
“Dez?” she asks, her beautiful green eyes widening in confusion.
“It can all end any moment. You know that, right? Especially after today, we all know that.”
“Yes,” she says softly. “I think everyone here knows that for sure.”
I face her fully now, and it’s like I’m driven by this overpowering need to make her understand. “I want to be happy for however long it ends up being. I want to feel every minute of it, I don’t want to waste any more time being satisfied, Shannon, there has to be more to it than that.”
She shakes her head, pushing me away yet again. “I don’t know what you’re talking about…”
“Yes you do, dammit!” I lower my voice so I don’t make a scene on the steps of the church, but the anger is boiling up inside of me. Except that I don’t get angry. The last time I can remember being angry was before Blaze went to rehab when I found out what he’d done to Tully and Lush. And before then? I can’t remember any anger in my wheelhouse prior to that. I’m sure it happened, but so infrequently it didn’t register.
“No. I. Don’t,” she grits out. “All I know is that we’re at this horrible event, and I’m watching Savvy and it’s like she died too. That’s what you get when you feel every minute of it, Dez. Because eventually everything ends, and then what do you have? A broken fucking world. I prefer to get my feels from racing my Ducati or jumping out of a plane, thank you very much. A broken body I can handle, a broken heart not so much.”
“None of us can predict—”
She cuts me off. “We need to get to the cemetery. I’m going to go with Tully and Savannah. You and Garrett grab the sixth car. I’ll see you guys there.”
Then she’s gone, running again, far and fast, and maybe forever.
Shannon
“Your boy, Blaze, has been on his best behavior,” Mike Owens says to me as we stand near the bar at Savvy and Kevin’s pub. The traditional Irish wake has been modernized and revised a touch over a few generations of Irish Americans, but the basic concept—get everyone together, mourn the deceased by telling stories and getting shitfaced drunk—is still intact. So, after the short ceremony at the cemetery everyone came here, to the very place that Kevin was gunned down in horrifyingly cold blood.
“Not the time,” Joss Jamison mutters in response to Mike’s remarks.
“It’s okay.” I smile at them both before taking a sip of my whiskey. I know that my father would probably sell me into white slavery in order to get back into Lush’s good graces, so I’m going to make the most of this opportunity.
“I’m glad to hear he’s been behaving appropriately. And I hope you know that if I’d had any idea that he was creating so much trouble last summer I would have put an end to it. Gunn Management doesn’t endorse crap like that. Our reputation in the industry is sterling, and we were every bit as horrified by what Blaze did as you guys were.”
Mike smirks at me, and Joss puts a hand on my shoulder. “Relax, Shannon. We don’t blame your agency for what went down. We know Blaze well enough to know that he’s a loose cannon—at least when he’s off the wagon. I honestly didn’t think anyone would ever be able to control him.”
“But Tully now…” Mike raises an eyebrow and tips his glass at me.
“She does seem to be really good for him,” I agree.
“And so far he seems to be good for her as well,” Joss acknowledges grudgingly.
“Well, it’s nice to hear that you guys are so forgiving. I think Richard has been concerned that bridges were burned between our agency and one of the mainstays of the industry.”
Joss chuckles. “Is that what we are now? Mainstays. Jesus, that makes us sound old. We’re barely thirty.”
“Fuck you,” Mike snipes. “I’m not thirty for another seventeen days, and I look twenty-five, tops.”
I can’t help but laugh. He’s so vain, I don’t know how his wife stands him.
“Whatever you say, princess,” Joss snarks. Then his attention returns to me. “You have an admirer.” He tips his chin toward a corner of the room where Dez and Garrett are talking quietly, Dez’s eyes on me like lasers.
I try to play it off. “They’re like little ducks, they have to know where mama is.”
Mike
turns to look at them. “That’s a look Dez gave his mother never,” he says, lips pursing. Joss chuckles as Mike takes a long pull of his beer, his massive arm flexing as he does.
I feel the blush rising in my cheeks. Damn fair skin. “He’s my client,” I tell them in my most uptight librarian voice.
“And Mel was my best friend’s little sister,” Joss answers referring to his wife. “Jenny was Mike’s first artist on his label,” he continues, “and Marsha was the waitress at Colin’s favorite bar in town.”
“Hell,” Mike chimes in, “the intern and the boss, the college professor and the coed, the soccer coach and the divorced team mom. They make movies about this shit because that’s how life works, Shannon.”
“It’s unprofessional, and probably unethical, and he’s just looking at me because I’m talking to you two,” I argue. I barely know these guys, what the hell are they giving me such a hard time for?
Joss glances over at Dez again. “Well, don’t look now, but whatever has captured his interest he’s following it over here.”
“How’s it going?” Dez asks as he reaches us and puts a hand out to shake with first Joss then Mike. The both nod at him. He turns to me. “You need a refill or anything?” Shit, he’s being considerate, giving credence to what Mike and Joss have obviously already figured out. A flash of an image of Dez with his hand between my legs goes through my head and I’m forced to take a quick breath.
“I’m fine, thanks,” I snap, in an effort to overcome the uncontrollable lust. “Did you need something?”
Dez shakes his head slowly, then addresses Mike and Joss as if I’m not even here, which considering what a monster I am around him isn’t all that surprising.
“I wanted to thank you guys for supporting Blaze and Tully these last few months,” he tells them. “I know it took a lot for you to put what happened aside and focus on what she was asking for, but I’m grateful, and I know Blaze is as well.”
Racing to Rhapsody: A Rhapsody Novel Page 9
