Blaze looks at me and I can see he’s concerned about whether this is offending me. I give him a quick smile to assure him it’s not. And in some ways it’s good that as long as Garrett and I have been bandmates we’ve never talked about my sexuality. It’s not because of some “don’t ask, don’t tell” deal, but really because the whole band just accepted it—accepted me—easily. None of them has ever seemed to have a second thought about it, and honestly, I think this may be the most time the whole subject has ever landed in Garrett’s head.
“You thinking switching teams might be the way to solve your issue, dude?” I tease.
Blaze snorts again.
“Fuck off,” Garrett mumbles.
“Sorry, really.” I look at him in the rearview mirror. “I didn’t mean to belittle where you’re at, man. Just trying—poorly—to lighten the mood.”
He nods, an ironic smile on his lips.
“But to answer your question, no, it’s not exactly the same. With guys it’s more…I don’t know…comfortable? Most of the guys I’ve been with were friends first and then it sort of developed into the physical after that. The women I’ve been with it’s probably like it is with you—see a hot chick, want to bang her.”
“But you end up friends with the chicks afterwards,” Blaze adds.
“Cause he’s such a nice guy they can’t help themselves,” Garrett deadpans.
“Fuck you, I am nice.”
“We know, dude,” says Blaze. “Trust us, we’ve heard it a few million times.”
“Yeah, well, being nice has gotten me exactly nowhere,” I mutter, remembering the vigorous brush-off Shannon gave me just a few hours ago.
Blaze is quick to latch on to what I’ve let slip. “So, things with Shannon aren’t going so well?”
Garrett leans forward in his seat, wedging himself between us like a recalcitrant child on a road trip. “Shannon? Our Shannon? What the fuck? How could I have been on the road with both of you the last few weeks and not noticed that?”
“You’ve been a little preoccupied,” I tell him.
His expression shifts to one of embarrassment. “True.”
“So what’s going on?” Blaze asks again.
“Well, I thought I’d made some progress, but it was the night that Kevin was killed, and since then we hadn’t had a real chance to talk about what was happening. So this morning when I tried to, she shut me down.”
“Did you sleep with her?” Garrett asks with too much enthusiasm.
“Down, boy. I’m not going to give you private details, man. That’s not cool.”
Garrett throws himself back against the seat. “God, throw me a bone of some sort, I’m dying here. I haven’t had sex in days and I feel like I’m going to lose my mind. I almost propositioned the room service girl this morning, it was lucky you got there when you did, because I would have done it. If I can’t have sex maybe I can talk about you having sex?”
He sounds so hopeful it takes all my self-control not to laugh at him. Because it’s not a joke, and he needs help.
“Things got heated, but not homerun heated, how’s that?”
“Dude,” Blaze interjects, “you just gave him leeway to imagine a book’s worth of filthy things.”
“Maybe it’ll keep him occupied until we get there.”
“Do you guys mind if I jack off while I envision the possibilities?”
“Yes!” Blaze and I shout in unison.
Garrett groans then mumbles about going to sleep and lies down with his eyes closed.
After a few minutes of silence, Blaze continues his questioning in a low voice.
“So she shut you down. Are you upset?”
I gaze out the window, watching the pine forests speed by, a curtain of green and gray that seem endless.
“Yeah, I am.” That’s all I know to say. It’s the truth, and it doesn’t provide anything more because honestly, I don’t have anything more to provide.
“What’s her excuse?”
“Maybe she’s just not that into me,” I answer with a bitter laugh.
“I’ve seen her around you. That’s not it.”
And I’ve felt her around me, so I’d have to agree.
“She says that she can’t afford to lose focus on the business. Her dad’s created some sort of bullshit competition for who gets his share in the business when he’s gone. And she’s up against every other agent in the firm.”
“Jesus. Sounds like my old man,” Blaze responds.
“Well, she still wants to be around hers, and she’s willing to put aside anything and anyone to get his approval.”
We drive along in silence then for a few minutes until we see the sign indicating that the rehab facility is at the next turn.
“Listen,” Blaze says as he slows down to turn up the long, secluded driveway, “I know better than anyone how hard it is to stop begging for attention from a parent who doesn’t know how to love you.”
We pull into the parking lot and he flips off the ignition before turning to me.
“It nearly killed me—trying to make my father notice me. You can’t give up on her, man. I know she has feelings for you, and I can tell that you’re in deep with her. I’ve only met him once, but her dad sounds like he’s toxic, and if you don’t use what you two have to pull her out of that rut, she might ruin her whole life over it.”
I nod, my throat too thick to speak.
He pats me on the shoulder. “This thing between you two is for a reason. You need each other, whether it’s for right now or forever, so don’t give up on her yet, okay?”
“Okay,” I say softly, emotions roiling through me, clouding my vision and my hearing.
Garrett sits up then. “We here?” he asks warily.
“Yep.” Blaze stretches before opening the car door. “Welcome to your own personal hell, dude. The other side is worth it, but the trip really sucks.”
Shannon
It’s been four days since I left Portland. Carson met me in Miami to continue the tour, and today we’re leaving for London. Garrett won’t be back, but Dez will. In about thirty minutes, which would explain why I’m pacing in my room unable to choose an outfit and shut my suitcase, and generally freaking out.
Because I’ve been able to tell myself that I did the right thing for the last four days even as my mind has been a swirling mess of ‘what is he doing?’ ‘who is he with?’ ‘is he thinking about me too?’ But if I have to see him, listen to his voice, watch his beautiful face, I’m not sure I can continue to believe that I did the right thing. I mean, there’s no doubt I did the right thing with regards to my career, but did I do the right thing for me? Is Dez right that my dad doesn’t deserve these types of sacrifices from me?
No, of course he’s not. My dad is my dad. And I know he’s going to be proud of me when I show him that I deserve the company.
But no matter how many times I tell it to myself, it can’t drown out the sound of Dez’s voice as he told me he missed me before he’d ever even touched me.
My phone rings and I’m surprised to see Tully’s name light up the screen.
“Hi Tully, please don’t tell me Blaze has done something stupid.”
She laughs. “No, I’m happy to report that my guy is being a model citizen and really so incredible with my family problems I can’t believe it.”
“God, Tully, I’m so sorry. I should have never answered the phone that way. I forget to leave Manager Shannon at the office sometimes. How are you? How is your sister?”
“I’m doing better actually, which is one reason I called. I’ve been wanting to thank you for hanging out with me at the wake. You know, in the dirty back alley while I cried for Christ’s sake.”
I sit on the bed, surrounded by clothes that I’ve tried on and discarded. I’m an idiot.
“Please Tully, it was the least I could do, and anyone would have. I’m just so sorry that you and Savvy are going through this.”
“Well, like I said, I’m pulling out
of it. I mean, it’s going to take a very long time to not wake up every day and have the first thought that goes through my head be, Kevin is dead, someone gunned him down. But, we’ve squared away the major things—I’ve hired a manager for the bar so that Savvy doesn’t have to worry about that, and Blaze and I have rented a new house with a guest cottage out back and convinced her to come live there for now so we can keep an eye on her and help with Ty.”
“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that. How is Savvy taking all of it?”
“Well, we may have sorted the logistics of things, but she’s exactly the same as she was the morning after it happened. In fact, the reason it was so easy to do all of this is because she’s agreed to anything we suggest, which is not my sister’s way. But she’s not my sister right now.” Tully pauses and I can hear her take a small breath. “We’re all hoping that she comes back to us soon. For Ty’s sake if nothing else.”
I have to clear my throat before I can speak again. “I’ll be thinking good thoughts for all of you. You’re a really good sister. If anyone can help her it’s you.”
“Well, right now I want to help you.”
“Me?”
“Yes. Blaze tells me that you and Dez have a little something going on, or not going on, as the case may be.”
Oh good Lord, Dez talked to Blaze. I’m going to kill him.
“You know, too much alcohol one night, but it wasn’t anything really, and it can’t be. He’s my client and all. It sounds like Blaze may have exaggerated the whole thing.” I try to keep my tone light, but I have a feeling I come off as desperate.
“So have you gotten to know Dez pretty well managing them the last few years?”
“Uh, yeah, I feel like I know all of them pretty well.”
“So you know how much Blaze loves him, right?”
“They’re tight, yes, I think everyone knows that.”
“Well, if Blaze loves someone, I love them too, but I have to tell you that I’ve gotten to know him myself. He stayed in Portland with us after Blaze got out of rehab, and he even lived in our place for a while. So, girl to girl, he’s so fucking amazing, Shannon.”
A stab of envy goes through me at hearing that Tully got to live with Dez. I know she’s in love with Blaze, but the idea of sharing space with Dez day after day, it’s sort of a fantasy for me.
“He’s not the usual alpha macho guy, but it’s only because he’s so at peace with the entire world. Dez virtually never gets angry, he sees the beauty in everyone, he can sense what you need before you even know it yourself. But in his own way he’s every bit as in charge as Blaze, it’s just less in your face, which personally I appreciate sometimes—but don’t tell Blaze I said that.” She laughs.
“Tully, what are you trying to do? Sell me Dez? Did he ask you to call me?”
“No! No. He and Blaze don’t even know that I’m talking to you. Here’s the thing—when Blaze told me that you’d turned Dez down I couldn’t imagine a reason why. I’ve seen you look at him, I know it’s not because you don’t find him attractive, and really who wouldn’t find Dez attractive. He’s fucking hot.”
She pauses as if waiting for my agreement, so I murmur some sort of assent.
“The only thing I could think of was that because he’s so quiet and low key maybe you thought he wasn’t, I don’t know, ‘man enough’ or whatever. I get the whole strong woman thing. I don’t want a guy I can ride roughshod over either.”
“Trust me, that’s not it. Dez is plenty uh, you know—man—for me.” My mind hazes over as I remember him standing above me, his rock hard cock waiting for me to wrap my lips around it, his cut chest glowing in the low light streaming in from outside, and his dark eyes gazing at me with so much heat I practically incinerated right where I kneeled. No, Dez is definitely plenty of man—good hot, hard man.
“Is it the guys?” she asks in a rush. “Does it bother you that he’s bi?”
I’m still stuck in my fantasies of what a man Dez is, so it takes me a moment to process what she’s asked.
“Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. It’s horrible. You’re not a horrible person. Please pretend I didn’t say that.”
My mind plays the memory of the guy in the coffee shop watching Dez, the lust in his eyes, his cut physique and hot style. “Yes,” I say before I can second-guess myself. “It does bother me.” I hear Tully’s intake of breath. “But not for the reason you think,” I’m quick to add. “It bothers me—it would bother me if I were involved with Dez—because I couldn’t compete. Let’s face it, Tully, guys have something I don’t.”
She chuckles and I bite my lip to keep from joining her laughter. Because it may sound funny, but I’m serious about it.
“And I think you’ve got some things that no man does as well,” she says. “But even more important than that, from what I hear, it’s not some guy that Dez wants—it’s you.”
My face heats up and I get butterflies in my stomach. I crush the damn things by remembering one of the things my father said to me in our most recent weekly check-in, “You’d better get on the ball, our client list has grown two percent over the last month, and not a one of those new contracts was yours.”
“Tully, it doesn’t matter what Dez wants, because I’m not interested.”
“Really?” Her voice is dripping with disbelief.
I sigh, because Tully’s a woman, and like she said, Dez is, “fucking hot.” She’s never going to believe that I’m not interested in Dez Takimoto.
“Look, I’m not sure what you’re trying to accomplish here, but Dez and me aren’t going to happen. I just can’t do that with him—with anyone—right now.”
“I’m sorry,” she’s quick to say. “I overstepped, Shannon. It’s none of my business and I didn’t mean to put you on the defensive. I just care so much about Dez, and I think you’re really fantastic too. God.” She laughs self-consciously. “Have I turned into one of those people who are in love and so they try to force love on everyone they know? I have, haven’t I?”
Now I finally have to laugh with her. “It’s okay, it really is. I know you’re only doing it because you care for Dez. And he’s a great guy. I’m just not the girl for him.”
“Okay. I get it. And I really hope I didn’t offend you. Honestly, I was hoping maybe we could be friends. I feel like as women in this business we have to support each other and stick together.”
Even though she’s made me so uncomfortable, I like Tully. She’s real, and she’s been nothing but fantastic for Blaze. I can’t resent someone like that.
“I agree. And I’m not offended at all. Promise. But I am about to be late for my plane, so I have to go now.”
“Okay, thanks for hearing me out, and thanks again for the shoulder to cry on at Kevin’s wake.”
We say our goodbyes and I frantically toss on the first outfit I see while stuffing the rest of my clothes into the suitcase, knowing they’ll be wrinkled as hell when I unpack in London.
But before I can get out the door, my phone is ringing again. I consider ignoring it, but pull it out of my purse at the last minute and see my father’s name on the screen. I feel a twinge of pain shoot through my neck and into my head before I take a deep breath and answer.
“Hi, Dad, I’m about to leave for my flight to London.” I walk to the door, dragging my rolling bag behind me, purse on one shoulder, phone in my hand.
“Okay, I won’t keep you, but I wanted you to hear it as soon as the rest of the staff does. I’ve made my decision regarding the future of the company.”
My stomach lurches and I stop in front of the door to the hallway, leaning against it. My hands are shaking all of a sudden and I feel hot and sticky like I have a fever.
“You said you were going to take a month. You decided this early?”
“Certain things were increasingly obvious. No sense in dragging it out. As much as I liked the fire it lit under everyone’s ass, I need to get the office back to normal.”
“Okay. So what
have you decided?” I don’t know why I bother asking, the answer is working its way up my throat, eating away at everything inside of me, rubbing me raw and stealing my voice.
“I’m giving the company to Liam. He’s shown that he has what it takes to run things and move the agency into the future. But don’t worry, I’ve made sure that you’ll be taken care of. Part of the deal is that you’re guaranteed a competitive salary and a job at the firm for life.”
The thing moving inside of me turns cold now, a frigid lump that makes my words sound thick and awkward.
“Thanks for letting me know, Dad. I have to go catch that flight now.”
He reminds me that I need to get some bigger, new clients, then tells me to get his secretary something for assistants’ day—because that’s always been my job, even from a few thousand miles away.
After we disconnect I slowly open the door and roll my suitcase to the elevators. And as I step into the car and press the button to the main floor, I feel nothing. Because I am empty, because I have just realized that my entire life is a charade. Because I finally know that I was a fool for thinking that my father would ever love me.
I’m thankful that Carson is a quiet guy as we share an Uber to the private airport where the plane Nelson’s Soda reserved for us is waiting. My father’s company jet isn’t big enough to make the cross-Atlantic trip, and I’m grateful. I don’t think I could stand being in something that’s his right now.
When we enter, I stow my bags and sit in one of the armchairs at the back of the jet. The flight attendant brings me a glass of wine without even being asked. I must look as void as I feel.
Carson strikes up a conversation with the flight attendant whose name is apparently Candace, leaving me to fester in peace. I hear Candace greet a new passenger when he boards, and I try my hardest not to look, but when I hear his low voice answering her questions and his soft laugh as he greets Carson I can’t ignore the pull anymore. Like a heat-seeking missile, his gaze meets mine when I look up and a rush of emotion threatens to burst out of me.
I swallow, struggling to maintain my composure as the plane begins to taxi down the runway, but just as I think I have it under control, the seat next to me gives way under the weight of an occupant, and I look up into Dez’s warm, brown eyes. Then, the explosion happens.
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