by P. J. Post
I jump up and go to the window near the front door and see Ringo climb out of the Z. He’s huge, and I can’t help but laugh at how tight the fit must have been for him.
“Go open the garage,” I say to Shauna.
She disappears through a door and soon I hear the door going up, he drops back into the car and drives it into the garage. I hear the door going back down.
I follow Shauna out to the garage and shake Ringo’s hand as he walks between her Jeep and Peggy’s Z.
“Any problems?” I ask.
“Nope. I had someone else pick it up, just a routine tow. No one gave a shit. But you had me paranoid driving over. I drove in circles for an hour.”
“Thanks again.”
“How bad is this shit you’re mixed up in, Connor?” he asks.
I step back so he can see Shauna. She’s wearing fluffy bunny slippers, jean shorts and a Heart t-shirt. Her hair is all curly and she has the bangs thing working tonight. She’s also holding a Glock pistol in both hands, pointed off to the side like she’s on Charlie’s Angels.
“That bad,” I say, grinning.
“Jesus,” he says.
“Ringo, my fine friend, please meet Shauna, who is not my girlfriend, in case you are not up to speed on current events, but she is a crack shot, so watch your ass.” I wave him over to her.
He shuffles across the garage like a little kid, with his hands shoved into his pockets and his head down. He looks like he might do that kicking the dirt thing at any moment. He’s shy. I laugh to myself. Considering everything I’ve seen him do at the bar, from breaking up fights, clearing out the women’s restroom and tossing drunks, I would never have figured him for the shy type. Especially since he’s well over six foot tall and built like a professional football player.
I nod to Shauna. “I told you to remind me to introduce you.”
She smiles. “At the Underground, I was a little distracted at the time but I remember.”
“Pleased to meet you,” he says quietly. “Is that a Glock?”
She grins. “Hi and yep.”
The way they are looking at each other, maybe I just repaid her for the favor “Careful,” she says, “there’s no safety.”
That sounds like the story of my life — no safety — how fucking prophetic.
16
Stairwell Confessions
I wake up on the couch to see Ringo, who slept on the other couch, and Shauna showing Shelly how to disassemble Curtis’ automatic. Peggy comes down the hall wearing a t-shirt and sweats that must belong to Shauna.
“What time is it?” I ask. My chest and shoulder are killing me.
“A little before noon,” Ringo says without looking at me.
I sit up and pull the blanket into my lap as Peggy collapses down next to me. She gently wraps her arms around me. Her eyes look swollen from crying this morning.
“I’m sorry about the accident. Shauna told me. How are you?” she asks.
“I’m going to be fine. It’s nothing the drugs won’t fix,” I say.
She nods and relaxes her hold on me and then lays her fingers along my broken ribs. “I don’t know how you did that yesterday. I was so scared,” she confides.
“I don’t know either, but it’s done,” I say.
She leans back and watches Shelly slide the barrel back into place again.
“A-ha!” Shelly shouts in triumph. “This is so awesome.”
Peggy turns back, her eyes filled with worry. “How bad is Todd?”
“Bad. I wanted to go last night, but you weren’t in any condition,” I say.
“I’m sorry. Is he going to be okay?”
“I don’t know. I hope so. The doctors said he was stable. Whatever that means?”
She nods her head and wipes at her eyes. “I’m so sorry I got you mixed up in my bullshit,” she says with shame.
“Hey, people make bad choices, but that doesn’t mean you have to live with them for the rest of your life.”
“So you’re my friend now?” she asks, trying to smile, but she winces and holds a hand up to the cuts in her lips.
“Yeah, we’re friends, but Todd might object to any table dances.”
She looks away shyly.
“We’ll need to leave for the hospital soon. I hope they have better news today,” I encourage.
“Thanks,” Peggy says and gently hugs my neck and then kisses me on the cheek. Then she looks serious again. “I meant what I said. Curtis isn’t going to forget this.”
“Well, we have Annie fucking Oakley on our side,” I say nodding to Shauna.
Shauna looks up, smiling and then returns her attention to the newly disassembled weapon on the coffee table.
“Besides, I have a cop friend. It’ll be okay, trust me,” I say squeezing Peggy’s hand.
She squeezes back and sniffs. “Let me get you some juice so you can take your drugs.” She tries to smile again, but that muscle isn’t working very well for her today.
I nod as she gets up to go. I feel like I’m watching a John Wayne movie or something. My friends are taking this whole cluster-fuck in stride, like it’s a perfectly normal activity to prepare defensive positions against a predatory psychopath. It’s like I’m the only one that thinks this whole situation is straight out of a Twilight Zone episode.
Peggy comes back and I take my pills.
“Be right back,” I say and carefully push myself off the couch.
“Need help?” Peggy asks.
“No, it just hurts like a son of a bitch,” I say grinning.
I down the juice and then head for the phone. I need to call Dan-o — Officer Boyle, that is. I leave a vague message for him to meet me at the hospital, but I don’t know if he’ll show.
Shauna gets me a spare toothbrush. Apparently, they stock extras of those too. I take a quick shower while Shauna retrieves a pair of cargo shorts and a plain black t-shirt from her brother’s room. Shauna said he was visiting friends in Dallas. It’s a fortunate coincidence that he’s gone. Shauna’s going to have to deal with him when he gets back and hopefully he’ll understand and won’t be a dick about everything.
Once I’m ready, Peggy and me take Shauna’s Jeep and drop Ringo off at the tow yard. I can’t help but notice how he squeezes Shauna’s shoulders as we leave, not quite a hug, but close. I think she’s over me. And Ringo is down right giddy.
Hell, at least something good is coming from all of this.
Peggy is back to being quiet. She looks worried and she should be. I’m sure she’s stressing about Curtis Ray, but I think she’s more worried about Todd. So am I.
We are probably both secretly terrified about what we’re going to find out at the hospital, but neither of us is voicing it out loud.
I told her she needed to see a doctor after we checked on Todd. She put up a protest, but eventually gave in. Now she’s sitting sullenly in the passenger seat, tapping her fingers nervously against the window sill.
We pull into the parking lot just after two. It’s a cloudless sky and just stupid hot — well over one hundred. We exit the air-conditioned Jeep and head inside.
I hold her hand and she squeezes back. I can feel the tension coursing through her.
The walk through the lobby and the ride up in the elevator takes forever, but we finally walk through the doors to the ICU. Todd’s family is still here. They look pretty much the same, except Estelle’s pant suit matches now and Sydney has exchanged his bathrobe for regular clothes. They look exhausted.
And then I see Beth and freeze, my chest constricts. My jaw tightens as anguish consumes me. Everything that has happened between us over the last two weeks rushes through my mind, memories of ugly thoughts and ugly words resurface with a vengeance, but most of all the cacophony of emotion throws up a wall of doubt. I was so certain yesterday morning sitting out in front of the Garage — so certain that she loved me, but now, seeing her here, I suddenly feel foolish and naïve.
She’s standing behind Sydney, one ha
nd on his shoulder, comforting him. Carla is here as well, sitting across from them. She looks up and sees me, but instead of the self-satisfied screw-you glare I expect, she just looks tired and worried like everyone else.
Peggy kisses me on the cheek and studies my face for a moment. I’m sure I’m an open book as to what I’m feeling, but I wonder if she knows how close I am to breaking down completely. She tilts her head and nods sadly, but says nothing before walking down to meet Todd’s family.
Beth sees Peg as she gets close. The distress on her face is clear as she looks at Peggy. Beth touches the bruises on her face as they both break down sobbing and hold each other. I’m happy they’ve reconnected, found each other again. Peggy’s going to need her.
When they separate, Peggy looks back down the hall to me and Beth follows her eyes.
I can see her tears and red rimmed eyes from here. Her face scrunches up as she tries not to cry and she shakes her head, covering her mouth with her hands. Her eyes are full of worry, fear and what might be regret and even shame — maybe for not being here for Todd.
I stop and stare back, motionless.
Trevor must have gotten through to her, but I don’t know how to read her. And as time ticks ever so slowly by, like the inevitability of sinking in quicksand, I’m convinced more and more that her feelings for me haven’t changed and I was delusion after all.
She pushes her hands into her back pockets and offers a brave face as she gets control of her emotions. She’s wearing jeans and an off the shoulder ripped up, sleeveless sweat shirt. She’s not trying to be stylish, but she’s still the most beautiful girl I know, regardless of what she’s wearing.
I can’t move, but I can feel the tears forming. Another promise I can’t keep. I can’t put myself through this again. I just fucking can’t.
I can’t stop how I feel, but I can stop her from seeing it.
I nod with a scowl and turn to leave, keeping my shit together. I’m worried for Todd and feel like a coward for not checking on him, but I’ll come back in a little while after Beth leaves.
He’s going to be okay. He has to be.
I walk through the ICU doors and into the stairwell and lose it.
He has to fucking be!
I drop to my knees as the tears and painful chest-racking sobs seize me. They say that God never gives you more than you can deal with, but I can’t deal with any more. Everything from Curtis Ray, to Annie and my dad, the car accident, the very real possibility of Todd dying or being a fucking vegetable, and the betrayal of Dan-o and the complete abandonment of Beth is just more than I can fucking handle today.
No more, please God, no more. I just turned eighteen; I’m still just a fucking kid.
My chest hurts like a motherfucker and I pull out my cigarettes and fumble one free. I place it between my quivering lips and strike a match, ignoring the no smoking signs. I lean forward, hold my head and rock back and forth.
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I fall back to my ass and lean against the white-painted, cinder block wall. I pull my knees up and rest my arms over them.
I’m weak.
Dad didn’t do a good enough job after all.
I should be able to deal with this. Fuck Beth and Curtis Ray and everything else. I should be able to focus on Todd, but I can’t separate him out of the goddamn quagmire of shit that my life has become.
I thought it was bad before, but it’s not just me anymore — people depend on me.
But I’m fucking used up.
I can’t save anyone else.
Forgive me Annie, please God, forgive me, but I just can’t do it anymore.
I blow smoke out into the stairwell and let the tears fall.
Connor, you lose. And in the bonus round, let’s see how many of your friends you can fuck over while you’re at it.
I can’t focus anymore because I feel like I’m betraying everyone I know. I told them they could trust me. What am I going to do for Shelly? For Peggy? For Todd?
Talk is easy, but now it’s time to man up and I can barely dress myself, how can I fight for my friends?
I lied to them all.
I feel dead inside.
The door to the stairwell opens slightly and Beth leans around the door. I look away, wiping at me tears, but I hear her footsteps as she comes in. The door bangs against the metal frame as it closes.
I glance up, but she’s looking away as well, studying the floor.
She’s wearing sandals. I stare at her feet and cute little toes, and I smell that wonderful fucking perfume. The fucked up thing is that if she were with me, if she were by my side, I would be strong enough to handle everything.
But I’m terrified to even talk to her, because I don’t want to feel the rejection again.
Not again.
I take a breath and try to control my emotions and speak evenly. “Can you do me one last favor and stay the fuck away from me?”
I hear her quiet sobs.
And in a very soft voice she says, “No, I can’t.”
Just reject her first. Get rid of her and then I’ll check on Todd, have a few beers, get some rest and then I’ll be right as rain tomorrow. I have to be.
But I don’t believe a word I’m thinking.
“Can we have that talk?” she asks softly.
“What the fuck for? I think it’s a little late for that now.”
“Are you okay?”
“No, I’m not fucking okay.” I stretch out my legs and lean over, placing one hand on the floor to balance myself, and raise my shirt to show her my side which looks like a rotting plum.
“Oh my God,” she whispers, covering her mouth with her hands.
“Yeah, whatever. Not to mention Todd may be dying in there right now, so no, this isn’t a very good fucking day. What do you want?”
“I need you,” she says softly.
“What does that mean?” I ask.
“When Trevor called, I was, I didn’t know, when you called before, I didn’t know and I said, I said…I thought about you being dead.” She starts to sob again.
“I remember what you said,” I say flatly. Is she trying to apologize?
Suddenly, she’s on her knees next to me, staring at me with those big heart-broken eyes. “Connor, please forgive me, please. I need you! I can’t…without you, I just can’t. Please.”
Hope is forcing out the ugly and leaving a warm rainy afternoon behind. My heart begins to race with hope, with the possibility that I wasn’t foolish or delusional.
Is it possible?
“I’m so sorry, please!” She leans back against the stair railing, and then whispers, “I’m sorry. I love you, so, so much.”
I stare into her eyes and watch the tears wash down her cheeks.
I flick my cigarette down the stairs and grunt as I slide my legs to the floor and lean forward. I reach out and take her hand. It feels like a dream.
“For as long as this heart beats. I still love you Beth. I never stopped loving you.”
She smiles through her sobs and clutches my hand to her cheek. She closes her eyes, like she’s trying to convince herself this isn’t a dream too, that I’m really here.
“Help me up?” I ask, remembering the first time she helped me up after Tommy beat the shit out of me. I thought I saved her that night, but maybe she saved me and she’s doing it again.
She stands and then reaches down, taking my hands.
“Careful, my ribs are broken,” I say as she pulls me up.
“Shit,” I hiss as the pain shoots through me. When I manage to get to my feet, I wrap my arms around her as she slides her arms delicately around my waist. She presses her face to my chest.
It’s not a dream.
It’s real.
“I love you,” she says again. “I want you to know it and never, never forget.”
I could listen to her say that all day long, the sound of that angelic voice saying she loves me.
I take her face i
n my hands as she looks up at me. I study her eyes, that cute little nose and everything about her face — remembering, but it’s those unforgettable lips that beckon me. I lean down, taking in her breath, her scent and suddenly pull her to me, ignoring the pain in my ribs. Her arms slide up my body and around my neck.
We stare into each other’s eyes as if we’ve been waiting for and expecting this moment for our entire lives. Our faces move closer, hesitantly as though afraid that this is the moment we wake up. I see fear mixed with love in her eyes even now. If this is a dream, I pray I never wake.
Our lips touch and we suddenly collapse into one another, like we’re trying to make up for two years with a single kiss.
She presses against me, clutching at my hair. The warmth of her body radiates through me and her touch banishes all pain. Our tongues bind us together, soothing and comforting our parched and hungry souls, just as we lead one another home.
Once was lost, but now are found.
I fall into her — she is my universe.
17
A Father’s Love
I make the decision over Beth’s adamant objections to talk later. I need to spend some time with Todd and his family, besides, she and I are together now, so whatever is going on, we’ll work it out — together. I’m already thinking much more clearly and feel ashamed for losing my shit before.
As powerful as love is, it’s also fucking weird. How can an emotion be soul crushingly devastating and at the same time so powerful that it makes you feel you can move goddamn mountains? But I’m not questioning it, sometimes shit just is and sometimes that’s a good thing.
We decide not to make a big deal about finally being together, but we walk back into the waiting room amidst grins and winks. So much for that secret.
Peggy and Carla try to distract themselves and hug Beth, giggling. They glance over at me like we’re still in the lunch room in high school. We're not forgetting about Todd, but people can’t be wound this tight indefinitely or they just snap. They’re coping.
I spend some time reassuring Todd’s folks and then take my turn with him. He looks awful. He has stitches and bandages all over his body. His left arm is in a cast. His body is sprouting so many tubes and machines that he looks like a science experiment. The rhythm of his heart beat beeps from a machine near the head of his bed.
