Her period.
She’s late.
Her period was supposed to be last Tuesday and now it’s Sunday. Normally I don’t even think about this. Jade just takes care of it. She doesn’t talk about her period or cramps or PMS. I don’t even think she gets PMS. If she does, she doesn’t talk about it and it’s not like she gets all cranky before her period, the way some girls do. If it weren’t for the fact that we don’t have sex on those days, I wouldn’t even know she was having her period.
She’s late. She’s never late.
Holy shit. No wonder she’s freaking out.
She’s sitting cross-legged now, her head bent down, tears dripping on the floor.
I take both her hands and gently hold them. “Jade. It’s just a few days. You’ll probably get it today or tomorrow.”
“No. You don’t understand. It’s never late. Not even a day.”
“So maybe your body’s changing. Or maybe this month, you’re just a little off. That happens, right?”
“Not when you’re on the pill. The pills make it regular and for me it’s every 28 days.”
I guess I knew that, but I was trying to find a reason for her being late. A reason that would change the outcome.
“So what are you saying?”
It’s such a stupid question and I regret even asking it, but before I can say anything else, Jade finally lifts her head and looks at me.
“I’m pregnant.” As soon as she says it, her eyes tear up and the crying continues.
I take her into my arms. “You don’t know that, Jade.”
“Yes, I do. There’s no other explanation.”
“You’re on the pill. It’s almost a hundred percent effective.”
“Yeah, ‘almost’ is the key word. It’s not a hundred percent. Just ask Sara. She got pregnant on the pill. She said she never missed a day and she still got pregnant.”
Jade never told me that. Sara really got pregnant on the pill? So I guess it does happen.
“I didn’t take it every day.” Jade says it so quietly I could barely make out the words.
“You didn’t take your pill every day?”
“When I had the flu, I forgot to take it. I was so sick I didn’t even think about it.”
Shit. I didn’t think about it either. Not that I would. I’m so used to her taking over the pregnancy prevention part of our relationship that I didn’t think to remind her to take it when she was sick. Not that it would’ve mattered. She would’ve thrown it up anyway.
“We should’ve been using condoms.” She’s staring at the floor. “We should’ve been using them all last month. If we had, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“Jade, you don’t know for sure if anything’s happened. You need to take a pregnancy test.”
Her head jerks up and she grabs my arm. “Go get me one! Go to the store right now. I have to know. I can’t wait until morning.”
“Nothing’s open. The drugstores closed at midnight. We don’t have any 24-hour stores around here. But they open at six. I’ll go then, okay? I’ll go as soon as they open.”
“What time is it now?”
“It’s 2:30.”
“So I have to wait three and a half hours? That’s a long time.”
“I know. But I’m right here.” I hug her into me. “I won’t leave your side.”
She nods.
“Let’s go back to bed.” I help her stand up and she walks with me back to the bed.
We get under the covers and just lie there quietly. She’s huddled against me, her cheek against my chest.
After a long period of silence, she says, “Are you mad at me?”
“Of course not.” I try to pull away a little to look at her but she won’t let me. She tightens her arm around my chest and keeps her head down.
“I’m mad at myself. So I understand if you’re mad at me, too.”
“I’m not mad at you.”
“I screwed up, Garret. I wasn’t thinking.”
“You were sick. You weren’t supposed to be thinking. You were supposed to be resting and getting better.”
“I still should’ve thought about it. When I got better I should’ve thought about it and been more careful. Now it’s too late and I’m pregnant.”
“We don’t know that yet.”
“But what if I am?” She still won’t look at me and it’s hard to hear what she’s saying with her face buried in the fabric of my shirt. “What are we going to do, Garret?”
“I guess we’re gonna have a baby.”
Saying it causes a bolt of sheer panic to course through my chest. A baby? Now? We’re only 20. I’m not ready for a baby. And I know Jade isn’t.
It’s not like we couldn’t handle having a baby. We have plenty of money. But it would change everything. And I don’t mean stuff like how much sleep we get or how we spend our free time. I can handle those changes. What I mean is it would change how we live. Where we go. Who we trust. I worry enough about Jade. Add a baby to that? A helpless infant? Shit! I can’t even imagine. I couldn’t let it out of my sight.
We’d definitely have to move to a safer place. A place with a gate and maybe some armed guards. Even though nobody’s bothered us and we’re probably safe, it’s different when you have a kid. There’s that protective instinct that takes over and you’ll do anything and everything to keep them safe. And that’s exactly what I’d do. But I don’t want to have to do that. Not yet. Not now. Then again, maybe I won’t have a choice.
Six o’clock can’t come fast enough.
9
JADE
A couple hours ago I woke up to go to the bathroom. The toilet paper roll was empty so I reached in the cabinet to get a new one and saw a box of tampons sitting there. And that’s when I realized I never got my period. I should’ve had it last week but it never came. I totally forgot about it. Everything was so crazy with William coming here and then I was stressing out about Walt showing up again and I had a paper due and a big exam for my chem class. Then Garret and I were out of town, so the week just went by and I didn’t realize I was late.
After I saw those tampons, I raced into the kitchen and got the calendar we keep next to the fridge and a red marker from the drawer. I took them back to the bathroom and counted back to my last period. I counted again and again, hoping I’d counted wrong. But I hadn’t. My period should’ve been last Tuesday. It’s almost a week late and I’m never late.
I circled the date and just stared at it, wondering how this could’ve happened. And then wondering how I’d tell Garret. He trusts me to take care of this stuff. The not-getting-pregnant part of our relationship. I know he wants kids, but I also know he doesn’t want them right now, while we’re still in college. I don’t want that either. That’s why I should’ve been more careful. I was supposed to take care of this and I messed up.
When he found me in the bathroom, I wasn’t ready to tell him. I couldn’t say the words. And I didn’t, until he forced me to. After I told him, I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He didn’t really say much, other than to tell me that maybe I wasn’t pregnant. Maybe I was just late. His reaction just confirmed he doesn’t want this. It’s not the right time. We’re too young. We’re still in school.
Now he’s lying beside me, not saying anything. I wonder what he’s thinking. How he feels about this. As for me, my emotions are all over the place; a continuous cycle of anger, disappointment, sadness, shame, and guilt.
The anger and disappointment are aimed at myself for causing the situation I was put in charge to prevent.
I’m sad because my life may soon completely change and I don’t want it to. Growing up, I had to take care of my mom like she was a child and I was the mom. But now, I don’t have to take care of anyone and I like not having all that responsibility. I love my life being just Garret and me and I don’t want a baby coming in and changing everything. And that’s what causes me to feel the shame and the guilt. Because it’s not this baby’s fault I screwed up. It�
��s my fault and I have to accept that and get over it and be the best mom I can be. I just don’t know how. I can’t do it. I know I can’t. I’m too messed up right now. I have too many issues I need to deal with before I can even think about being a mom.
As much as I’ve tried to get rid of her, my mom is still in my head. Not all the time, but enough that I know I’m not over my past. Which means there’s no way I can be a mom. Not now. What if I did something bad? What if I hurt the baby? I’ve had nightmares about it. I had nightmares where the baby was crying and it was so loud and it wouldn’t stop and I couldn’t take it so I turned into my mom and starting screaming and throwing things at the crib.
“Jade?” Garret’s rubbing my back as I cling to his chest.
I’m panicking now. Completely panicking as I think about being a mom.
“I can’t do this, Garret.”
“Do what?”
“I can’t have a baby.”
He’s quiet, then says, “Well, if you’re pregnant, then you’re having one.”
“I can’t. I can’t do it.”
“What are you saying?”
“I just can’t do it.”
“What the hell does that mean?” He raises his voice and moves back, forcing me off him. “We’re not getting rid of it!”
“That’s not what I’m saying. I’ll have it, but I can’t be a mom.”
“What? You’re not even making sense.”
“I can’t ruin someone else’s life the way my life was ruined. I won’t do it. I’ll leave the baby with you and then—I’ll go away.” Just the thought of that makes tears well up in my eyes, but I don’t have another solution.
“That’s crazy! You’re not leaving me! And you’re not leaving our baby. Why the fuck would you even say something like that?”
“I can’t be around a baby. I don’t trust myself. I’ll get mad and I’ll turn into her.” Tears pour from my eyes as my mind replays the images from my nightmares. “I won’t be able to stop.”
“Jade.” Garret sits up and pulls me into his arms. “Your mom was drugged and an alcoholic. That’s what made her that way. You’ll never be like her.”
“You don’t know that, Garret! I’m messed up because of her. Because of what she said to me over and over again. And how she treated me. You don’t understand because you weren’t there! You don’t know what it was like!”
I struggle to get away from him, tears running down my face. He holds onto my shaking body, rubbing my back until I finally calm down enough to speak again.
“She made me this way and it all started when I was just a baby. In my psych class, we were learning how babies are affected by the smallest things. Like if you don’t hug a baby, they’re messed up for life.”
“You’ll hug the baby, Jade. I’m not worried about that.”
“That’s not the point. The point is that it doesn’t take much to screw up a kid. And I guarantee I’ll do it.”
“Parents aren’t perfect. They all make mistakes. And yet most of us manage to make it through our childhoods and come out okay, including you.”
I push away from him. “Why aren’t you listening to me? I can’t do this, okay? You knew I didn’t want to be a mom. I’ve told you this repeatedly.”
“And it’s a lie. I saw you with Caleb and I’ve seen you with Lilly. You want that, Jade. You want kids. You just won’t admit it to yourself.”
Sometimes I hate that he knows me so well. He’s right. I love being around Caleb and Lilly and I love the idea of Garret and me having kids. But it’s just an idea. A dream. It’s not real life. In real life, I can’t be a mom.
“Even if I wanted them, I can’t have them, okay? I’m too messed up.”
He puts his hands on my shoulders, his eyes on mine. “Okay, first of all, if you’re pregnant, you’re having one. We’re having one. And second, stop saying you’re messed up, because you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. I have so many issues, Garret. You don’t know because I don’t tell you about them. I don’t want you to know.”
He lets go of me and sits back a little. “What are you talking about? What issues?”
“I can’t explain it.”
“You need to explain it because I’m not letting this go.”
I don’t know what to tell him. I’m not even sure what all my issues are. I just know I have them and I don’t know how to fix them.
“Just tell me what you’re struggling with, Jade. Just one thing.”
“I can’t control my emotions sometimes. I get really angry or really sad and it just takes over and I lose control of it. That’s why I have to run.”
“Then we’ll deal with that. We’ll work on it together.”
“We’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
He sighs. “Then you need to talk to someone. A counselor. A psychologist. Someone who can help you get through this stuff.”
“I did that after my mom died and it didn’t work.”
“You never gave it a chance. You said you only went a few times and that you wouldn’t say anything.”
“Because it doesn’t work. I don’t like talking to a stranger.”
“I don’t either, but I did it. Even my dad went to a counselor. And look how much he’s changed.”
“They’ll try to give me pills. They’ll drug me just like my mom.”
“I won’t let them.” He moves the hair off my face and slips it behind my ear, leaving his hand there. “If you want, I’ll sit in the room with you. I’ll go to every session.”
He has me considering it. It’s not like I haven’t thought about seeing someone. I just can’t seem to make myself do it. I’d rather figure this out myself. Deal with my problems on my own. Except it’s not working. I’m a lot better than I was a year ago, but deep down, I know there’s still so much I need to work on. Mostly my anger. Anger at my mom for taking away my childhood and leaving me with all this pain that I have to try to cover up and pretend doesn’t exist. Anger at her for leaving me when I had no one else in the world. Anger at her for saying all those hateful words that still linger in my head. I don’t know how to get past all that so maybe someone else could help.
“Jade, would you just try it? Please?”
I nod. “Yes.”
He hugs me really tight, like he’s relieved I agreed to it. He probably wanted me to see a counselor a long time ago but didn’t want to bring it up because he knew I’d say no. And I wanted to say no just now, but I feel like I need to do this. I at least need to try.
When he lets me go, I hold on to him and whisper, “I’m scared. Not just of seeing a counselor, but of having a baby.”
“I know.” He kisses my forehead. “But you shouldn’t be. There’s nothing to be scared of. I’m right here, and whatever happens you won’t be going through it alone. You’ll always have me. We’re a team and we go through stuff together.”
I sit back and see his face in the moonlight coming through the window. “Are you scared? Of having a baby?”
“I’m not prepared for it, but it doesn’t scare me.”
“Does anything scare you?”
“Yes.”
“What?”
His eyes lock on mine. “Losing you. So don’t you ever say you’re going to leave me. Don’t even joke about it. And if you really feel that way, talk to me. Don’t just get up and leave one day. Don’t do that to me. You promise?”
“Yes. I promise.”
The room gets silent again and then he says, “Do you want to try to get some sleep?”
“I’ll try, but I’m sure I won’t. Did you set the alarm?”
“I set the one on my phone.”
“Okay. Goodnight. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Hours later I’m still awake. I might have drifted off for a few minutes but I didn’t get more than a half hour of sleep total. Instead I lie awake thinking about everything related to having a baby; being pregnant, giving birth, how to change a diaper, how
to feed a baby, how to get a baby to sleep, how to fit a crib in our bedroom. . . .
My mind never stops and then, finally, the alarm on Garret’s phone goes off. It’s 5:45.
Garret actually got some sleep so he’s a little groggy. “It’s time already?”
“Yeah. It’s 5:45. Do you want me to make some coffee while you get ready?”
“No, I’ll just go.” He stumbles out of bed and puts on jeans and a sweatshirt. He yanks on some shoes, then he’s out the door in the still-dark morning. He’ll probably be the first person there when the drugstore opens.
I don’t even know how pregnancy tests work. I know you pee on a stick and wait, but how accurate are they? And is it too soon to use one? Maybe I should look it up on the Internet. But then I’ll be bombarded with ads and information about pregnancy and babies and I’ll get even more nervous.
I don’t know how Sara got through this. I really don’t. If it weren’t for Garret, I’d be going crazy right now instead of only half-crazy. And if I had to go through a pregnancy all alone? At my age? That would really suck. Sara’s boyfriend was around when she was pregnant, so maybe he was somewhat supportive. Probably not. He sounds like a real ass. Leaving her with no money and not even wanting to see his son. And yet Sara managed to get through it all and now she’s raising Caleb with no help from anyone. I don’t know how she does it. She’s amazing.
Garret returns with three boxes of pregnancy tests. “I didn’t know which one to get so I got them all.”
“I’ll start with this one.” I take one of the boxes into the bathroom and read the instructions. The box has two sticks so I pee on both of them and wait. I open the door and Garret’s standing there, the color slowly draining from his face. Yeah, he’s not scared. Whatever.
“I’m still waiting,” I tell him.
He comes in the bathroom and we both stand over the sticks, which are sitting on the counter. And then finally, the results appear on one and then the other. I check the instructions again, just to make I’m reading the sticks right.
“I’m not pregnant!” I jump up and down.
Garret doesn’t say anything, but the color returns to his face as he takes a deep breath and lets it out.
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