Auntie Phyl was not wholly easy to entertain on holiday. She was so used to living alone that she was slightly uncomfortable with the concept of conversation. My mother talked incessantly, but Auntie Phyl lacked small talk, and had to be encouraged. She was not interested in any of the television programmes that might have interested the rest of us, although she consented to watch the news. Once, watching images at Bryn of famine or genocide in Africa, she said to me, more in enquiry and bewilderment than with anger or resentment, 'What are these people to us?' At home, she occupied herself with crochet, and needlepoint, and stitching yards and yards of decorative trimming round the edges of pillowcases, and holding amorous or teasing conversations with her dog, or playing games of patience. But with us she was clearly in need of some other form of diversion. The summer days in Somerset were straightforward, for she loved an outing, a picnic, a cream tea, a visit to Ilfracombe or Minehead, a flower show, a dog show, even a tour of a church. She was surprisingly knowledgeable about churches and antiques. The evenings were more difficult, until we thought of the jigsaw.
Why do I say 'surprisingly' knowledgeable? Because she set so little store by her own knowledge. Her bossy and manipulative big sister had staked her claim as the clever one and the pretty one, and Auntie Phyl always had to make do with second place. Her family tended to take her on her sister's estimate. My mother's attitude to her sister, both socially and intellectually, was offensively patronizing.
Doing a jigsaw can be a solitary time killer, a way of getting quietly through life until death, an oblique confrontation with the absence of meaning, but it can also be a companionable pastime. In a family group you can talk, you can work silently at your corner, you can discuss other matters, you can engage in minor spats about intrusive elbows or pieces wrongly placed. I met a man recently at a friend's wake, a distinguished-looking man with a white moustache, who became quite fierce about his mother-in-law's contributions to the family Christmas jigsaw; she would force pieces into the wrong place, he said, and he had to creep down in the night when she was asleep to prise them out.
When I do jigsaws now I can hear my aunt's urgings and admonishments, and hear the click and suck of her teeth as she concentrated on her task. She is present with me as I sit alone. She had good teeth, much better than mine, and much less expensively maintained. I have spent as much on dentistry as Martin Amis, with whose problems I have great sympathy. Auntie Phyl's teeth, well coated and preserved by nature's protection of plaque, lasted her very well.
She it was who taught us that we must always sort out the edge and construct the frame of the puzzle first. This, she assured us, was the only correct procedure. Only once you had formed a complete rectangle (or, more rarely, a complete circle or oval) were you allowed to embark on filling it in.
So strong was this directive that I experienced one of the most intense panics of my early life when I was asked to do a jigsaw with an incomplete edge. I remember the occasion with vivid humiliation. I must have been five or six years old, and my mother had taken me for an 'interview' at the Girls' Public Day School Trust school in Sheffield, known as Sheffield Girls' High, the junior department of which I was shortly to attend. I am not sure who was interviewing whom, but I was sent off to sit in a corner at a low, undignified, nursery table with a box with jigsaw pieces in it, and told to play with them. I must have regarded this as an intelligence test (a notion that my mother would have encouraged) because, while my mother and the Junior Head conversed, I struggled seriously with the task. It was impossible. The pieces were too large and easy for a child of my age, and some of the edge was missing. How could I be expected to tackle a baby jigsaw that was so incomplete? Was it a trick? I was indignant and confused. It was an intensely distressing quarter of an hour. I cannot remember whether or not I protested; if I did, my mother would have turned my protest into a story that went: 'Margaret was so clever that she complained about the missing pieces.' She was always telling everyone how clever I was. This made me much hated in some quarters. Even today, I get letters from women my own age telling me how much they hated me, even though they had never met me. They sometimes say they don't hate me any more, but if so, why do they bother to tell me about it now?
What I remember from this episode of the little Goldilocks table is the feeling of bewildered inadequacy, of knowing that I would never fit into this new school. I had loved my old village school in East Hardwick just outside Pontefract, where we lived as evacuees from Sheffield during the war. I had attended this school from the age of three and a half, travelling to it by bus with several other children, and I felt at home there. From the bus stop, just outside our house, Mr Turton would pick us up and drive us all to school. There were two classes, one for big children and one for little children, and I have not forgotten the two teachers, Miss Cooper and Miss Royston, though I have not seen them for well over sixty years. I fancy I can still see their grave and friendly maiden faces, their neat blouses, their coils of hair. Miss Cooper's hair was brown, Miss Royston's grey. I met a woman in Norwich recently who had been at this little school at the same time as me, and she reminded me of Mr Turton's name, and of the brightly coloured pictures of Biblical scenes that Miss Cooper used to show us. I liked them very much. She also had some striking pictures of fields of tulips in Holland, tended by women in Dutch bonnets. They must have been part of a geography lesson. Teaching by pictures is a centuries-old tradition.
I had liked East Hardwick, and I knew this new superior Sheffield school would be no good. I never liked it. It never liked me. I never fitted in.
A child psychotherapist whom I consulted tells me that children who come from a disorganized, chaotic background may have difficulty in putting jigsaws together because they don't know how to start with the frame. 'They don't seem to see the straight line round the edge of the jigsaw.' That was not a problem from which I suffered.
II
We always started with the frame. Auntie Phyl taught my sisters and me how to pick out all the straight-edged pieces of jigsaw first, to find the corners, and to build up the four sides. Then we would begin to sort the colours, and to construct areas of the picture. Unlike some people, we did not have a set procedure for this stage of the puzzle, and we were never of the wilfully austere school that does not look at the picture on the box. Looking at the picture for us was part of the pleasure. Doing a jigsaw was not an intelligence test, or a personality assessment programme; it was a pursuit that lay somewhere between creation and imitation and discovery and reverie. And it was not, for us, a form of competition.
As we progressed from easy children's puzzles to more complicated adult puzzles (willow pattern plate, Dutch skating scenes, a Fra Angelico nativity, the birds of Britain) we would sometimes reach a stage when Auntie Phyl would say, 'Well, I can't see by the colours any more, we've done all the bright ones, so I'm going to have to go by the shapes now.' (I have just reached that stage with Uccello's The Hunt in the Forest from the Ashmolean; I've done all the bright-coated hunters, the horizontal leaping hounds and the vertical tree trunks, and am left with the brown canopy of foliage.)
I don't think that we ever did trick jigsaws, cut without identifiable edges. I have encountered them recently, in the course of research, and have found that they do indeed induce a mild degree of panic. But with Auntie Phyl, there was always the safety of the edge.
I have another memory of early panic, this time connected with a maypole. I must have been very small as I was still at the East Hardwick school. I and a group of other children were taken by coach to a neighbouring village and issued with maypole ribbons of red and blue and white and asked to dance around a maypole with strange children from other schools. It must have been May Day, or was it a celebration of the end of the war? Nobody had rehearsed us or told us which way to go round, and we and the ribbons became hopelessly muddled and entangled as we all went in different and wrong directions. The teachers were cross and we were upset. I think what upset me most was the kno
wledge that the ribbons could and should have made a beautiful and intricate pattern, if we had been taught properly how to interweave them. Instead, there was this guilty muddle. I don't think I was prematurely mourning the death of village life and rural England; I was simply distressed by the lack of clear direction. This, strangely, is my only unhappy memory of East Hardwick. It was a happy school, where I felt at home, where our days were a joy, and our paths through flowers.
Children need order, and the knowledge that a problem can be resolved. I don't know whether I, as a child, needed this more than most and, if so, why. But I suspect that my liking for jigsaws and my enduring affection for Auntie Phyl are connected with the fact that she was such a good teacher.
At the very end of a large and difficult jigsaw, when there were just a few irregular bald patches left, Auntie Phyl might embark philosophically on the topic of 'the missing piece'. For at this late stage in a puzzle's life, it has become clear to all participants, sometimes over several nights of struggle, that certain pieces are, almost without question, missing. Sometimes there is one particular space, a distinct and obvious space, and the piece that should occupy the space cannot be found. If it could, it would have declared itself. The floor has been searched, and sometimes it is suggested that the bag of the vacuum cleaner be emptied. Occasionally pieces are retrieved by these methods, though often not the ones you are looking for. It is at this moment that Auntie Phyl might say, 'Now's the time when we could count the spaces, and see if we've got the right number of pieces left to fill them.' This is always a controversial moment, for the depression cast by an incontrovertibly missing and irrecoverable piece is considerable, so in a way it is as well to delay this disturbing realization for as long as possible. On the other hand, if you confront the problem, and bravely count the spaces, and find that you have the precise numbers to fit them, there is an increased satisfaction in staring at these recalcitrant remainders, knowing that, implausibly, impossibly, they will eventually be made to supply the gaps and complete the image.
One of the strangest and most unsettling cognitive experiences of a difficult jigsaw (say, a Jackson Pollock) occurs when a piece that has eluded intensive search over hours and days and weeks suddenly makes itself known, and fits itself into its home. At once, the piece loses its profoundly unknown quality, and becomes so much a part of the pattern that within seconds you cannot remember where the gap was. What Freudian denial had concealed its identity for so long? Once it has been seen and placed, it is impossible to recall its previous invisibility.
One night, while writing an early draft of this book, and in honour of Auntie Phyl, I took the risk and counted the last pieces of Henri Rousseau's Tiger in a Tropical Storm (Surprised!) with which I was then engaged. There were thirty-two spaces left, and thirty-two pieces. They would have to go in. And they did, although I had difficulty in placing even the last four. I am not very good at jigsaws. That is one of the reasons why I like them so much. I had been working on this striped beast of the forests for months, albeit very intermittently, with a little help from my daughter Becky and other visitors, and I was pleased to finish it off, and to resume serious work on this book, in which I had hoped to explore the nature, satisfactions, history and imagery of this curious activity.
I like to think that my aunt was happy, as I was, during those summer evenings in Somerset. I always anticipated her visits with a mixture of pleasure and apprehension, because she could be a very rude and demanding guest. Graciousness was not her forte. She belonged to a generation that expected younger people, even younger people in their fifties, to behave with deference. Once, driving back towards Porlock Weir over Exmoor from an excursion, my daughter, my daughter's friend and I engaged in a lively dispute about which route to take back. All were beautiful, so which to choose? Should we take the coast road, or drive inland over the moor via Simonsbath? After a few minutes of this banter, my aunt said, and not as a joke, 'Oh, do shut up about it, you're making me feel sick.' We fell silent at once, but when we got back home my daughter's friend confided to me that she had never heard an adult speak to another adult in that tone.
(This elegant friend, Guyanese-born and educated in England, now lives in Johannesburg, whence she sent me a jigsaw of camouflaged African animals that at first sight looked easy, but was far more difficult to complete than Rousseau's tiger. I emailed her to say, 'The African jigsaw is impossible,' and she responded, 'The African jigsaw is difficult, but not impossible.' I think that is still her view of the situation in South Africa.)
Auntie Phyl's eating preferences were also a little tricky. She was not a good cook, but when we were little she had cooked for us what I remember as delicious snack meals, like Welsh Rabbit (sic) and Scotch pancakes and drop scones and omelettes (a word that she pronounced, as I do, with three good syllables). She was not keen on anything continental. Late in her life she came round in a big way to the notion of the pub lunch, but she considered herself allergic to mushrooms, and it was surprising how many pub menus on Exmoor seemed to feature mushrooms in almost everything. I remember one potentially disastrous meal in the Notley Arms in Monksilver when she was presented with some dark dish (perhaps an omelette?) covered in mushrooms, but luckily the lighting in the pub was so dim that she didn't see them. She ate them all, and there were no ill effects.
I maintain (though she queried this) that it was I who usefully introduced her to scampi and chips, at an excellent but now defunct castellated hostelry overlooking the Bristol Channel at Linton. On a fine summer day, as wasps circled the cider, the view was as glorious as the French Riviera, and we felt on top of the world. She took to scampi very well once she had got over the shock of the novelty. Fish and chips wrapped in newspaper she had always enjoyed, and she used to go out to get them from the van at Long Bennington when it did its weekly round of the villages.
She always insisted that she deeply disliked mayonnaise, but one day, making egg sandwiches for our picnic, I thought, what the hell, and mashed in a generous spoonful of Hellman's while she wasn't looking. We ate our sandwiches in a green sloping field beneath an azure sky, surrounded by the surreal pink sheep of Somerset, as happy as can be, and she devoured every morsel. That evening she rang my sister Helen and I heard her say that she had had a lovely day out, and that Maggie's egg sandwiches were 'out of this world'.
I wasn't as nice as I should have been to her succession of dogs. I didn't pat them or speak to them, and when I took them for walks I was silently morose. Auntie Phyl used to tell them, 'Now, be good for your Auntie Maggie, she doesn't like it when you make a mess on the carpet.' And she was right, I didn't. The first little white dog – a rescue dog called Kelly, whose original owner was in gaol – metamorphosed at some point into a slightly smaller and slightly better-behaved but otherwise almost identical West Highland terrier called Daisy. These were part of the summer deal, and they did alarm the rabbits, which since their visits ended have become completely out of control. When I was a small child, I had loved her large collie dog, Chum, but in my recollection Chum was a much better-trained dog.
A friend of mine once suggested that the later dogs became so naughty because my aunt had de-trained them, and that, by allowing them to pee on the carpet, lick her face and feet, masturbate against her ankles, jump at visitors, and bounce on beds, she was expressing the bad behaviour that had been pent up in her by a lifetime of schoolmistressy propriety and younger-sister, maidenaunt syndrome. I think there is truth in that.
My aunt preferred animals and birds to people. In general, despite the condoned anarchy of Kelly and Daisy, she was good with animals. In Doncaster, she had had a green budgerigar called Skippy who used to be able to say, 'Auntie go to school,' as she set off for her day's work at Woodfield Primary. She wore a little green Skippy feather in her hatband, which I thought was stylish. His death in the hard winter of 1946 was a sad loss to all of us, and the subject of eloquent letters of condolence from her nieces, which she preserved for the rest of her life.
Creatures accepted her. Cats would come to sit on her lap, and calves offered their noses to her for a scratch. Birds flocked into her back garden, and sometimes came right into her large farmhouse kitchen. She called them 'her little dicks', an unselfconscious abbreviation of the already curious phrase 'dicky bird'. Pheasants often visited her, flaunting their handsome plumage amongst the motley assembly of potted plants in her yard, and for a long while a little free-range hen, escaped from a neighbouring flock, came to peck about beneath her kitchen window. She was very distressed when a fox got it, leaving nothing but feathers.
Bryn was full of pot plants on windowsills – geraniums, cactuses, African violets, streptocarpus – not all of them in perfect health. In the summer, she would put most of them out in the yard, by the stone trough full of the sturdy grey-green rosettes of stonecrop and houseleeks. 'If they thrive, they thrive,' she said. 'If they give up, well, that's it, they've had their chance.' One of these plants she called a 'hot water plant', and she watered it direct from the boiling kettle. It seemed to like this treatment and responded with a small purple flower. She gave me a pot of little hot water plant pups, and they did quite well for a few years in London. I don't know what their botanical name was.
I still have in London a fine orange lily, a clivia, which I bought for her one Christmas, and reclaimed when she had to leave Bryn. It blossoms unexpectedly, I think every other year. I am pleased that it continues to flower.
In Somerset, she enjoyed a visit to Home Farm at Blue Anchor with her great-great-nephews and nieces, to look at the sheep and the goats and the ducks and the piglets. She had no fear of animals, nor they of her. The only animal I saw her take against was a very large sow at Home Farm, who was lying on her side in her straw, exposing a vast, bald, yellowish underbelly of teats, over which various piglets squabbled and fought. The sow's expression was one of bored contempt. She was an unpleasant heap of flesh –'Not a pretty sight,' said Auntie Phyl, with a slight shudder. I think the sow reminded my aunt of her mother, who was not a pretty sight either. Grandma Bloor was a stout, grim and unyielding woman.
The Pattern in the Carpet: A Personal History With Jigsaws Page 2
