When the guy from behind the bar hands me my beer, I take a long draw, but it hurts to swallow past the lump in my throat that reared itself at the mere mention of her. Setting the bottle down, I turn and say with irritation, “Yeah? And what if I don’t want her to be?”
He sighs when he responds in a matter-of-fact voice, “It doesn’t seem to be about what you want. She holds the cards on this one because you handed over that power when you fell for her.”
He’s right. I’ve always called the shots with chicks until Candace. It sucks to have someone else dictating your destiny, but with her . . . I wouldn’t have it any other way. If this is what she needs, to be away from me, then I’ll stay away.
“You wanna know what’s gonna make you better? Make you forget?” he asks me.
“What’s that?”
He lifts his arm, beer in hand, and points over the crowd of people as he says, “Take your pick.” When he turns to look at me, he gives a smirk and adds, “Just like old times.”
I might not know what my life is right now, but I do know that it isn’t this. It vanished when I met Candace. She made me see this for what it is. She showed me a different version of myself—a version that I was happy to be. So this? This is nothing but a distraction that I no longer want.
Before taking a sip of his beer, he mutters, “I never understood what you saw in her anyway.”
“What’s your problem?”
“Nothing. Just being honest. She was just so different than your normal type. I didn’t get it.”
Tossing a few bucks on the bar, I get up and tell Gavin, “I’m going home.”
“Ryan,” he calls out as I make my way to the door, but there’s nothing here for me. Who am I kidding? No matter where I am, my misery follows, so I might as well be home.
***
When I was hanging out with Jase the other night, he told me about his plans to go over to Westport for a day trip to get some surfing in. Needing the headspace, I decide to tag along. He met me at my place earlier this morning, and after several hours of driving, we unload my jeep and zip up our wetsuits before heading out into the water.
For the first time in a while, I feel good. If only for a moment, being out here in the water, my head finally settles as I simply enjoy the breaking waves as I ride them. The salt on my face and the sun that’s starting to break through the clouds is freeing in a way. Being out of Seattle and away from the gloom that seems to follow, I take a break as I straddle my board and stare out over the endless water.
“The breaks are pretty decent today,” Jase says as he paddles over to me.
“Yeah. The tide is starting to come in.”
Shifting himself to sit up on his board, he asks, “You doing okay?”
I nod my head, but I know he isn’t just talking about surfing, and curiosity gets to me when I decide to ask, because I just can’t avoid it. No matter what she says or what she does, I can’t forget about her. I can’t stop caring about her, so I go ahead and ask, “How is she?”
Running his hand through his hair, he says, “She’s better.”
“Yeah?”
“She started seeing a therapist a couple weeks ago,” he tells me. “She’s been going a couple times a week.”
“That’s good.” It relieves me to hear that she’s finally talking to someone, but at the same time, it’s hard to not be there to support her.
“Yeah. She’s been working really hard, trying to sort everything out.”
When I don’t respond, he questions, “What about you?”
“I don’t know, man. I’m fuckin’ stuck. Like I’m just waiting for something I’m not sure is gonna happen.”
“With her?”
Nodding my head, I ask hesitantly, “Should I be?”
“Waiting?” he questions.
“Yeah.”
Looking out over the water, avoiding having to face me, he breathes out, “I don’t think so.”
It’s the reality I’ve been trying to hide from. I’ve been hanging on to a thread of hope, but hearing those words from Jase, they hold an honesty that there’s no more hiding from.
“She’s working hard on pulling herself together, to make sense of the madness she’s been living in. Maybe you should do more for yourself too. I hate to see you stagnant, waiting for something that doesn’t seem likely to happen at this point.”
I hear his words, and they’re hard to take. I don’t want to accept them, but he makes it clear what I should do when he adds a hard truth to my reality, saying, “I think it’s time you just walk away from it. She seems to have.”
How do you walk away from someone that still occupies so much of your heart? To be so certain about something just to turn your back on it? And how can she move on so quickly when I’m still in pieces over here? It sucks to have all these questions that I can’t get any closure with. To constantly be wondering and hoping.
“I’ve tried talking to her, tried telling her how you feel about everything, but she shuts me down. She said she just needs to be on her own.”
“No, I get it,” I mumble. “You don’t need to say anything to her. If she’s happy . . . that’s all I’ve ever wanted for her.”
“Sorry, man.”
“It’s life,” I say as I lie down on my board and paddle back out.
***
“So, I’m planning on leaving here next Friday morning,” my mom tells me as I sit in my office at home.
“Mom, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“It’s your birthday,” she exclaims, but we both know that’s not her reasoning for wanting to come.
“You never drive up here for my birthday. I know you’re coming to see Candace dance, but I just don’t know if that’s a good idea at this point.”
“I told her I was going to be there. I would feel awful if I didn’t show up. This is a huge night for her, and I’ve never seen her dance.”
“I just . . .”
“Her family turned their backs on her; I’m not going to do the same. I want to support her. No matter what happens with you guys, I’d like to at least offer my support.”
“Nothing’s gonna happen with us, Mom,” I tell her as I shut the lid to my laptop.
“How do you know that?”
“Jase told me last week that she’s done, and I should just walk away. So that’s what I’m trying to do.”
“I’m sorry, dear. I know you love her.”
Having her so close, blending so nicely with my mom and me, it was perfect. It’s something I don’t think I’ll be able to find again. Something I’m not sure I want to open myself up to again.
“You still there?” she asks when I don’t say anything.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Are you okay?”
Taking a hard swallow, I admit, “I don’t know how to be okay. I don’t how she’s moving on when I can’t.”
“Maybe she isn’t. Maybe she’s hurting just like you are.”
“Then why isn’t she coming back?” I ask as my voice slips.
“She could just be scared.”
“It’s been over a month, and I wanna run to her every day, but I know if I do, I’ll only be hurting her. She lives right down the fuckin’ street from me, but it’s like she’s across the world.”
My mother is at a loss for words, so I cut the conversation short, not wanting to talk any more, but as soon as we hang up, Tori’s name flashes on my phone when it starts ringing again.
“Hey, Tor.”
“Hey, how are you? I talked to Aunt Donna earlier today. Why didn’t you tell me what happened?”
“There’s not much to talk about,” I clip out.
“Well, what happened?”
Leaning back in my chair, I say, “You were right. I wasn’t honest with her and fucked everything up.”
“What did you lie about?”
“It doesn’t matter. I kept something from her that I shouldn’t have, and it’s done.” I’m tired and just need to blow thi
s off so she doesn’t keep me on the phone. “Look, it was over a month ago, so there’s not much to say about it. Moving on.”
“Got it,” she responds. “You coming back here for Memorial Day weekend?”
“Maybe. Haven’t thought about it. But, hey, I’m gonna hit the sack, so I’ll talk to you later,” I tell her so I can hang up.
I’m about to throw the damn phone across the room when it starts ringing again, but this time when I answer it, all I hear on the other end is panic.
“Ryan?”
“Hey, Max. What’s going on?”
“Traci’s in labor. We’re heading to the hospital.” His voice is rushed, and I can’t help but laugh at the fear in him.
“So why are you calling me? Shouldn’t you be driving?” I ask with a chuckle.
“Because I know when I get there it’s gonna be us and her crazy-ass sisters driving me insane.”
“You better watch it,” I hear Traci bark at him in the background.
“Dude—”
“Okay. I’ll admit. I’m scared shitless,” he tells me when Traci butts in, saying, “You’re scared? Are you serious? I’m the one about to have a baby here and you’re on the phone with your buddy because you’re scared?”
“Shit, you’ve got your hands full,” I laugh, and the next thing I hear is Traci as she says, “Ryan? You there?”
“Hey, Trace.”
“Tell your buddy to calm the hell down and to stop being a pansy.”
The dramatics of this late night call are cracking me up, and I do not envy Max with having his girl fed up with him.
The phone muffles and then Max says, “You coming to the hospital?”
“You need to relax before Traci rips your head off, but yeah, I’ll be there.”
***
Seeing Max with a baby is a head-trip for me. Traci went into labor quickly, and by the time they made it to the hospital, it was too late for her to get any drugs, so now Max has some god-awful scratches on his arms where she took her pain out on him. But in the end, they have a healthy baby boy.
The sheer happiness splayed across his face is something that any man would envy. Max is content, and I couldn’t be happier for him, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t panged with a slight sense of jealousy. I never thought that settling down and having a family was in the cards for me, but with Candace, I was starting to believe that it could be a possibility. So in my attempt to move on, I hold his baby in my arms and shut my selfish emotions out as I sit here with one of my good friends as he gushes over his new son.
Chapter Forty-Two
“How was your drive?”
“Long,” my mom says as she hugs me. “It’s good to see you.”
“Come in,” I tell her as I take her bag and set it against the wall. “Max called a little while ago. He said that Traci is feeding Bennett and now would be a good time to come over, so if you still wanted to see the baby, we should head out.”
“Of course I want to see the baby.”
Grabbing my keys, we leave and make the drive over to Max’s place. My mother has gotten to know Max a little over the years, and she never passes up an opportunity to hold a baby, so when we arrive, she melts at the sight of Bennett.
We settle ourselves in the living room, and Mom doesn’t even wait for me to introduce her to Traci. She is already sitting next to her, making her own introductions, and before I know it, they’re chatting away. My mom just has this way about her that can put anyone at ease. Candace loved that about her.
“So, what’s been going on?” Max asks as he flops down on the chair.
“Just covering for you every day,” I tease.
“Ha, nice, man.”
“Got another band booked.”
“Yeah? That’s good. So what’s going on with Mark and the guys?” he asks, and I’m momentarily distracted when I hear my mom talking gibberish to the baby.
Shaking my head and laughing at her, I turn back to Max and tell him, “They’re gonna alternate Saturdays with the new band for the next four weeks, and then their contract is up.”
“Is he staying here in Seattle?”
“Yeah. He and Jase had a few interviews at some firms in the city,” I tell him.
“Nice.”
“How have you been? You look like shit.”
“Dude, this kid wakes up to eat every two hours. When we first brought him home he slept solid for the first few days, but now he’s up around the clock.”
“Sounds great,” I joke when I turn to Traci and ask, “So how’s this guy really holding up?” I laugh as I nod to Max.
She shakes her head and teases, “For such a big guy, you wouldn’t think he’d be so squeamish.”
“Don’t listen to her. I’ve got this completely under control,” he defends with a smile.
“Oh my goodness,” my mother squeals as we all turn to look at Bennett when he lets out a massive fart.
“Holy shit!” I crack up, nearly doubling over at the insane gas that baby just released.
“Ryan!” my mom scolds. “Don’t cuss in front of the baby.”
“Are you serious, Mom? He’s barely a week old. Little dude doesn’t even speak English,” I laugh out as she rolls her eyes at me.
“Speaking of having everything under control,” Traci says to Max as she picks up Bennett and hands him over. “Why don’t you take care of this issue your son has in his pants?”
“You think you’re funny, don’t you?”
She pats him on the back and mocks, “Try to control the gagging this time, huh?”
He plants a kiss on Traci’s nose, and I follow him back to the nursery. I take a front row seat in the rocker as Max lays Bennett on the changing table.
“Dear Jesus!” he says in utter disgust when he peels the diaper off, and it only takes a second for the stench to hit me.
“Ugh! What the hell is that?”
Before Max can say anything, the baby rips out another rancid fart.
“For the love of God!” Max says, and I have to clutch my stomach because I’m laughing so hard at the visual of him being taken down by his own baby, one fart after another.
Max tries holding on to his tiny ankles, when he farts again.
“Dude,” he snaps at me. “He’s shitting everywhere. Traci!”
“Oh my God,” I laugh out. “I’m dying.”
“You’re dying. This shit’s right in front of my face.”
“What is going on in here?” Traci exclaims when she walks in.
“Honey, there’s poop all over me!”
“You boys are ridiculous,” my mom says when she takes Max’s place and starts cleaning Bennett.
“Donna, let me take care of that,” Traci says.
“No worries. You go sit and relax,” she tells her. “And you boys get out of here,” she scolds as if we’re kids and not grown men.
Once Bennett is cleaned up and changed, my mom returns to the living room and lays him on the couch between her and Traci. As she’s rubbing his belly, Traci kicks her feet up on the ottoman and leans back into the couch, laughing.
“What’s so funny?” Max asks when he returns with a clean shirt.
“You.”
“Why is it that every time I change him, it winds up in a fiasco, but when you do it, it’s just a simple pee diaper?”
“Payback for me having to be pregnant.”
We continue to hang out and when Bennett falls asleep, we say goodbye and head out.
***
I’ve been anxious all day, knowing that tonight is Candace’s production. I feel weird about going, almost like some kind of voyeur, but I couldn’t miss seeing her dance on stage. I have only seen her in a couple of videos she had once shown me.
The whole time we were together, she was preparing for this night, so to finally have it here is bittersweet because I always thought I would be there with her. I should have wrapped her legs up last night in her crazy Saran Wrap. I should have been watching her w
alk around my loft all day, a neurotic nervous mess, helping her stretch and rub out her calves that had been bothering her, staring at her while she stood in the bathroom as she put her hair up in a bun with all those tiny hair pins.
This day should have been completely different; instead, I’ve been walking around with a knot in my stomach. I haven’t seen her in a long time, and I’m not sure how tonight is going to affect me, but I have to see her.
“You ready?” my mom asks when she walks down the hall.
“Why don’t you go on without me?” I suggest. I just think I should be alone tonight when I go. It’s definitely not something I want to do with my mother right next to me.
Without a single question, she walks over and runs her hand down my arm as I stand, leaning up against the windows in the living room. “Of course.”
When she turns to walk out, I stop her and say, “Mom . . .”
“Yes?”
“You look really nice.”
“Thanks, dear. I’ll see you later.”
Leaning back against the windows, I look out at the darkened night sky and decide that after tonight, I have to be done. I can’t keep questioning and wishing things were different. They aren’t, and enough time has passed to know that she isn’t coming back.
When I arrive at Meany Theater, most everyone is already in their seats, quietly holding their personal conversations. The theater is large with seating up in the balcony. The curtain is dropped, and I look at the program to see which numbers she will be in. She’s one of the two featured dancers, so she’ll appear throughout the night. I feel so disconnected even though we are probably closer tonight than we’ve been in a while, knowing she’s in the same building as me.
She’s in the opening number, so I quietly stand in the back of the room when the curtain draws up. The stage is filled with girls who all look the same, hair pinned up, short white tutus. It isn’t until after the music has already started that I see her.
God, she’s beautiful.
She’s the only one wearing purple, standing out from all the others as she dances in front of the other girls. I’ve only ever seen her in leotards and tattered warm-ups. Never like this. She fits the part perfectly. Stoic and polished. Graceful and soft. And even on a stage filled with other dancers, she’s all my eyes can see, captivating me in a way that only she can do. No one else exists in this room right now—it’s only her.
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