Wiping my face, I don’t feel like I could possibly speak, but I force the words out because she deserves to hear them when I explain, “It’s always been hard for me to talk to people.” I stop, trying to take a breath through my shaky voice but then continue with my trembling, strained words. “I don’t open up easily, I know that. But you made it easy. You and Ryan both. And when I told you, the night of my solo, that you were the best gift Ryan ever gave me . . . I meant every word. It killed me not to have him for those few months, but it killed not to have you either. I never understood what a mom’s love felt like until you.”
We spend a few minutes hugging each other before we dry our tears and have a good laugh at our emotional mess.
“Here, let me untie you,” she says as we stand up and she loosens the sash. “Should we look for a wrap or something? You’re going to be freezing wearing only this.”
“This dress is beautiful. I don’t want to cover it up,” I tell her.
“But it’s the middle of winter.”
Looking back at her, I say, “Ryan will keep me warm.”
When she steps out, I slip off the dress and put my clothes back on. Donna tried talking me into a veil and jewelry, but I politely declined. Unfortunately, there was no declining when she insisted on buying the dress.
***
The past two days have been a whirlwind. After we met with Pastor Andrews the other evening, Ryan ordered dinner in and watched the new episode of ‘Ridiculousness’ with me. Donna couldn’t believe that I liked that show, and she and Ryan had a heck of a time teasing me, but I know it was all in good fun. It was nice to veg out in front of the TV with the two of them.
I decided to go by myself to pick up Ryan’s ring yesterday. As much as he likes to tease me, he loves nice things just as much as I do, so I decided on a timeless, brushed-platinum band. I waited while they engraved it for me, and by the time I got back to the house, Jase and Mark had just arrived. They were exhausted from spending the day traveling, so we all crashed early.
When I stir awake, Ryan is already up. Threading his hands through my hair, he says, “Morning, babe.”
“Morning.”
Inching his way down in bed, and facing me, he smiles, saying, “I feel like an antsy kid.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I get my everything today,” he says. “You nervous?”
“No. You?”
He pulls me flush against him, whispering, “No,” before kissing me.
When we finally make it downstairs, Donna and Jase are cooking while Mark drinks his coffee and watches. We all sit around and enjoy a long breakfast together before Ryan and I throw on our raincoats to take a walk along the beach.
The skies are dark and a heavy mist fills the air as we head down the beach and find a spot to sit. Settling between his legs, I lean back into his arms. “Talk to me,” I request.
“About what?”
“Anything,” I say, simply wanting to hear his voice.
He tightens his arms around me, and tells me, “I don’t want you to worry about anything. Thinking that marrying me is going to change us.”
I smile at his words because somehow he just knew what I needed to hear. “I’m glad you said that.”
He shifts me to face him and says, “I love us just the way we are. I want to marry you because I want forever with you. I want it all, and I know you’re the only one who can give it to me.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I tell him.
“You don’t have to say anything.”
Running my hand along his cheek, I give him the only words I can find, “My only wish is that I can give you everything you’ve given me.”
“You already have, babe. You’re enough.”
I cuddle into his chest as we sit in the cold, in no rush to get back to the house. I need the quiet with him. I always will because I’ve come to depend on the closeness.
***
Ryan is spending the afternoon with his mom and Mark, letting me have the next couple of hours alone with Jase before we head to the beach. I sit in Ryan’s room while Jase changes in the bathroom. My dress hangs in front of the window, and I sit on the bed, staring at it, thoughts filling my head, wondering how I wound up here when it wasn’t that long ago that I was wishing I had died by that dumpster.
And then there was Ryan. The stranger that sat with me while I lay there naked and unconscious on the ground. The stranger who is now about to become my husband.
Ryan is an amazing man. More than I ever thought I deserved. He’s always loved me, and no matter what we have dealt with, he’s never wavered. He’s always held my heart above his. Always giving me a safe place to fall. From the start he saw through my walls, to the darkest part of me, and found my light.
“What are you thinking about?” Jase says as he walks into the room.
“How I got here.”
He sits next to me on the bed and holds my hand. “Remember that morning when Mark and I were talking to you about Ryan? I was being way too protective, worrying that you two might be interested in each other.”
Looking at him, I nod my head, recalling that morning. The morning after Ryan returned my leopard scarf I had left at The xx concert.
“And you remember when you told me that you thought you wouldn’t ever be able to fall in love, and I told you that one day you’ll get everything you deserve?”
“Yeah.”
“This is that day for you.”
His words make me cry. We’ve been through so much together. Jase has always been my heart. We’ve depended on each other for almost five years now. From the moment I met him, I loved him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Ryan has never questioned our relationship, and neither has Mark. It was always Jase and I—for years—before Mark and Ryan walked in. They blended seamlessly with us, and Jase and I have found a way to open ourselves up to our boyfriends.
“I love you,” I tell him.
“I know you do. And I love you.”
Feeling extremely overwhelmed by today, Jase sits with me while I let the tears stream down my face. But it’s when I see his own tears slip out that I turn to face him as he says, “Tell me that this won’t change. You and me.”
“Nothing will ever change you and me.”
“I know that you’re Ryan’s, but you are always going to be my girl.” He wipes my tears with his thumbs, but they’re falling too fast for him to catch.
“You’re my heart. You always have been. But now, Ryan holds that heart,” I tell him. “My love for you will always be there. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”
Jase holds me as we share this moment with each other. He was the first person I ever trusted. The first one I ever shared my heart with. Never once has anything come between us. He’s my constant—I’ve never had to hide from him. But it’s because of him that I was able to fall in love with Ryan, and for that, I love him even more. Jase always believed that I would find love, that I would find happiness when I thought my life had been too far destroyed for any hope of that happening. He believed it, and he pushed me when I was scared to open my heart to Ryan.
The tears finally subside, and I freshen up before Jase helps me get dressed. When he’s done tying my sash, I turn to face him as he looks me over. He smiles, and when his eyes meet mine, he says, “You look amazing, sweetheart.”
“Thank you . . . for everything you’ve ever been for me.”
“It’s just the beginning,” he says as he takes my hand. “You ready?”
“Just one more thing.” I walk over to the dresser and pick up the necklace that Ryan gave me. “Can you clasp this for me?”
I know it doesn’t go with the dress, but I wear it every day, and today is no different. So when Jase puts it on me, I know I’m ready.
“Let’s go,” I say.
Jase helps me into his car and drives to Ecola Park, through the winding streets until we get to Indian Beach. He parks the car, overlooking the beach
down below where I see the pastor, Donna, Mark, Tori, and Ryan. I smile when I see him down there, wearing black slacks and a dark charcoal button-up shirt.
“No tux?” Jase says from the driver’s seat.
“I told him they were cheesy.” Taking his ring that I have been clutching in my hand, I give it to Jase to hold.
Keeping my eyes fixed on the people who mean the world to me standing below, I hear Jase as he reads the inscription, “I see you in colors that don’t exist.”
I’ve never been so sure of my life until now, and all I want is to feel his touch, so when I turn to Jase, I say, “Will you take me to him?”
He gets out of the car and walks over to my side, opening my door. I take his hand as he helps me out, and when I smooth down the lace, he says, “Grab the umbrella.”
“No umbrella.”
“You’re gonna ruin this dress, you know?”
“I know.”
Taking my hand, I lock my fingers with my best friend’s as he starts walking me over to the wooden steps that lead down to the beach. A thick blanket of grey covers the sky as the heavy mist falls from above. The sound of crashing waves fills the air, and when Jase gives my hand a squeeze, he begins walking me down the first flight of stairs. When we hit the landing before taking the last set of steps to the beach, Ryan turns to see me.
***
(Ryan)
My eyes hit her when I spot her on the stairs. God, she looks incredible, wearing nothing but lace with her hair down. She’s clutched to Jase, and I know she’s got to be freezing in this rain, but she’s never looked more beautiful.
When Jase starts leading her down, she keeps her eyes locked on me, and I can already see the tears running down her cold, pink cheeks. My heart begins to race at the mere sight of her, and I feel like the luckiest man. Everything about her is everything I dream about now.
She walks across the dense sand, rain puddles everywhere, but she doesn’t care. She walks right through them, dragging her dress through the water and sand. Before I can touch her, she turns to Jase and gives him a hug and kiss. When he gives her over to me, I run my hands down her soft, damp arms as she smiles through her tears. Pulling her into my arms, I take a moment and hold on to her, needing the closeness. I breathe her in, and when the pastor begins to speak, I keep my arms around her, giving her my warmth. We stand, wrapped up in each other, and no one else exists right now—only her.
We make our vows to each other, and when I take the ring from Tori, Candace keeps her eyes fixed on the vintage ring I found for her. When I saw the aged pearl, I knew it was perfect, and I love what it stands for because she’s the purest thing in my life. The pearl is set on a weathered gold band with a stamped filigree pattern. It’s simple, delicate, and when I slide it on her tiny finger, it couldn’t be more perfect.
We may not have a fairytale meeting, and we may not always have sunshine and roses, but what we do have is a raw love that is honest and true. And when the pastor declares her as my wife, I take my sweet time kissing her cold, rain-covered lips, tasting a life that is so much more promising now that she’s in it with me.
Wanting to get my girl warmed up, we say our goodbyes to everyone, and I take her up to my car. But before I open her door, I band my arms around her, and really kiss her. Moving my lips with hers as I run my hands down the smooth skin of her exposed back. And when I finally drag my lips away, I look down at her and ask, “Now what?”
“Let’s go home.”
Helping her up into the car, I tuck in the bottom of her lace dress, which is now soaked with rain and dirt. I grab her a blanket from the back seat and wrap it around her before I get in and start driving us back to Seattle. She holds my hand the entire way, and when we finally make it back to the loft, I carry her up the stairs and inside.
When I get her upstairs, we stand in the center of the room as I cradle her cheeks in my hands, saying, “You will never have to doubt your place in this world again because I swear I will spend forever making sure you’re right where you belong.”
I watch her eyes rim with tears while I run my hands down her neck and underneath the lace on her shoulders as I slowly begin peeling off her wedding dress.
I never knew that a person could be capable of falling as hard as I have for Candace. I spent so many years fearing the fall, but she made it effortless, taking all my fears away. With her, I know I’ll never get enough. I’m always gonna want more, and as I make love to my wife, I know I’m gonna spend the rest of my life falling.
Epilogue
As I wait for the curtain to draw up, I turn to Jase and watch as he and Mark keep their daughter, Caroline, busy by showing the program to her, reading off the various performance titles. This is her first time at the theater, and I’m surprised with how well-behaved she’s being.
Jase and Mark ended up getting married a few years after Candace and I. When they adopted Caroline, simply having Candace and I be her aunt and uncle wasn’t enough, so Jase and Mark asked us to be her godparents. She’s always been a huge part of our lives, and to see that she is fast approaching her fifth birthday is a test to how fast the years have flown by.
Candace has managed to have a successful career, quickly becoming a soloist at Pacific Northwest Ballet during her second year, and moving to principal her fifth. She’s loved every minute of it, and getting to watch my girl dance the lead in so many shows has been amazing.
Shortly after we got married, I took her to New York to attend a performance by the American Ballet Theatre, the company she turned down to stay in Seattle. I wanted to remind her that we could still make New York happen, but she was firm on staying with PNB. I never questioned her decision to stay, but I know a piece of her has always been scared to leave everything behind.
Security has consistently been something she has craved, and Seattle offers her that. Having her friends and family close was also important while she was in therapy and trying to recover from her attack. She continued with therapy for a few years, but through it all, and after twelve years since the attack, she’s never gotten over holding herself responsible for that night. It’s not something I believe will ever change, so I’ve simply accepted it and no longer try to convince her that she should feel differently.
A few months after we married, nearly two years since the rape, she finally came off of her sleeping pill. It was a rough transition, but the doctor insisted. She had nightmares for a while, but I feel it was her anxiety that was triggering it. Eventually the nightmares lessened, and then the night terrors lessened. She still has nightmares, but those only happen a few times a year, and they aren’t nearly as bad as they used to be.
Aside from a few lingering effects of that night, she’s blossomed into a beautiful woman, and I’ve been lucky enough to watch it firsthand. She’s a lot more spunky than I would have imagined from when I first met her. Her laugh is infectious, and she has brightened every aspect of my life.
I wound up selling a percentage of Blur to Max, making him a partner. We remain close friends, but my main business now is my art. When my photos started being picked up by galleries in different states, my commissioned work really took off, but the majority of my income comes from gallery sales.
Candace and I have transitioned through the years with ease. She remains the love of my life, and I spend every day making sure she never forgets it. I’ll never be able to thank her enough for giving me this life.
When the lights dim, and the curtain goes up, Caroline is excited as she watches the dancers on stage. I have to wait a few numbers until I get to see my girl. When the music cues, she lights up, sending chills up my neck. She moves across the stage with her beautiful smile, enjoying every second. I can’t take my eyes off of her even though there are other dancers on the stage. She captivates me, and I’m stuck on her.
She’s the greatest gift in my life. I never thought I could love the way I love her. The music comes to an end all too soon. I could watch her on that stage forever. When sh
e takes her curtsey, she beams at the applause. After the curtain falls, I just can’t wait to see her, so I quietly tell Jase, “I’m gonna run backstage.”
Making my way out of the theater, I head back to the hall where all the dressing rooms are, and when I spot her, she smiles as she rushes towards me. I hold my arms out for her and catch a glimpse of Candace off to my side as she smiles proudly before my girl bounds into my arms, squealing with joy, “Daddy!”
Let Love In
Melissa Collins
Chapter 1
My parents are dead. Don’t get me wrong — I am affected by it. I’m trying to get over it, but in all honesty, there’s no way I’ll ever be completely healed. They died when I was ten years old — eight years ago. I’ll never forget the day I lost them, because when I lost them, I lost everything. It was a car accident that killed them — jackknifed tractor-trailer, to be more specific. Since I was only ten, I didn’t need many more details than that. They were gone, and that was that. I have no siblings, and my grandparents on both sides were long gone. I had never known them — they died before I was born. It seemed like my life was plagued by death, and I was only in fourth grade.
But life has a funny way of going on. You don’t have a choice, really. You wake up, force yourself into some clothes, drag your ass to school, smile and nod as if on cue, do enough work to keep your head above water so as not to raise concern — in short, you deal. You deal with the fact that at ten you are uprooted from the only life you’ve ever known, the only sources of love and warmth horrifyingly ripped away from you in the middle of the night. They were only supposed to be going on a date — dinner and a movie. A funeral and burial weren’t supposed to be part of the package deal.
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