“You go first,” I tell him.
“No, Maddy, you first. Please talk to me.”
His sweet words are too much to hear. I know I’m going to break his heart, but I can’t do this any longer.
“I’m sorry, Jay. Really, I am. I didn’t mean to push you away or change the subject. We do need to talk about us. I guess I’m just afraid. It’s scary thinking about moving away from here and starting over again in a few days.”
“But, Maddy, that’s why I’m here. I…ah, shit there’s no easy way to say this, because I’m just so afraid of scaring you away, but I love you. I’ve known for a while now, but I know you wanted to take things slowly and I’ve been trying to, really I have. But you’re just so sweet and funny and, goddamn, you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
My chest constricts, and I just can’t get oxygen into my lungs. Jay notices the shocked look in my eyes. He cups my face with his palms and gently rubs my cheeks with his thumbs.
“Maddy, I love you. I want to be with you. Tonight, and when you leave. I don’t want us to break up.” His plea is so painful to hear because just a few minutes ago I was ready to take this conversation down a completely different path.
He takes my silence as a cue to move forward. He leans his face toward mine, and I’m too shocked by his revelations to move even an inch. His mouth slants over mine in a sweet and innocent way. His tongue dances along my lips, begging permission to deepen the kiss. I grant it, not because I want to go further, but because I know this will be our last kiss.
He moves one of his hands around to cup the back of my head and pulls me closer. His tongue dances around my mouth, and mine meets his stroke for stroke. It’s intense, maybe the most passionate kiss we’ve ever shared. But we’re both getting lost in it for two entirely different reasons, and that’s enough to make me pull back. When I do, he gazes into my eyes. His are hooded and lust filled. I feel terrible, but I have to say this.
I place my hands on his chest, not to caress, but to put some more distance between us. “Jay, I can’t be with you. I’m not in love with you. Honestly, I can’t even say that I want to be in love. You’re kind and sweet and a great guy, but I just can’t. I’m sorry, Jay, but we can’t be together anymore.”
My words paralyze him. He mutters out something that sounds remotely like “fuck,” but his jaw is clenched so tightly that it’s difficult to make out. Exit sweet and romantic; make room for REALLY PISSED!
Slamming his fists into the sand, he makes me jump back a little. The force behind his words makes me shudder even more. “What the fuck, Madeleine! Why the fuck not? What the fuck is your problem? I should have seen this coming. You never want to talk to me. You’ve never opened up. Fuck, we barely even see each other anymore. Here I am opening my heart to you, telling you I want you, that I want us, and you’re just being a bitch about the whole thing. You know what? Fine, have it your fucking way. We’re done. Go off into your own little world and leave me here.” He stalks off and begins pacing along the shoreline.
When I catch up to him, he’s staring off into space, thinking about God-knows-what. I try to grab for his hand, to offer him what little comfort I can, but he pulls away the second he feels my fingers brush up against his.
He takes a step back, and the blistering look in his eyes knocks me off-kilter a little. “You know what, Maddy? I take back what I said earlier. I don’t love you. I could never love someone as cold-hearted and as shut-down as you are.” He doesn’t scream this. That would have been easier to understand. His words are barely a whisper — a venomous, hurtful whisper. I visibly cringe at them, and the tears that I so desperately did not want to shed are definitely going to make an appearance.
The tears are quickly followed by sobs — gut-wrenching, chest-heaving sobs. I sink down to the sand and cover my face. I’m crying because I’ve hurt Jay, but more so because I hurt. Just when I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could start to feel better about my life, it all comes crashing down around me. I know I don’t love Jay, but not loving him makes me feel like I’m never going to love anyone. If I can’t love someone like him, then I am broken beyond repair.
Jay stands in front of me, deathly still. It takes him a few minutes to find his voice, but when I look up at him, I see him trying to catch his breath through his tears. He sinks down beside me and turns my face to his.
“You broke my heart, Maddy. I hope one day I’ll get over it, but I love you, and it’s because I love you that I’ll say this. You deserve love. You are not broken and empty like you think you are.” He places his finger over my lips as I try to interrupt him and wipes the tears from my eyes, intent on finishing his “Maddy is worth loving” speech.
“You are. Now let me finish. I know losing your parents was difficult and that, in a lot of ways, you’re still reeling from it, but it will never get better until you let it get better. You have to let them go and move on with your life. I know that you deserve to be loved. And for fuck’s sake, I was so hopeful that I would be the one deserving enough of the honor to do so, but I’m not. I just hope that one day you realize you deserve it — that one day you’ll be able to let love in.”
He stands up and grabs my hand to pull me up with him. The sobs have stopped, and I wipe the tears away. I want to say something, but I don’t have the right words — what would the right words even be at this point?
“Jay, I’m sorry. Really, I am.” Yup, that’s all I can come up with. He’s all sweet and heartfelt, and I’m all lame and feeble.
“Shhh. It’s okay. I’m a big boy — I’ll deal. Let’s head back to the group and enjoy the rest of the night.”
“ Okay. That sounds like a plan.” Lame and feeble — that’s me.
The rest of the night passes by in a blur, mostly because everyone else is more than slightly intoxicated. Mel and I were able to steal away for a few minutes so I could fill her in on what happened with Jay. She wasn’t surprised. She knew my issues. She knew them better than anyone. She told me that she understood how I felt, but she also agreed with Jay — all that crap that I was deserving of love and that I’ve got to stop shutting down.
Mel’s theory was proven right earlier in the night. Maybe I should follow her advice on this front as well.
Chapter 3
I wanted a do-over, and a do-over is what I’m getting. Okay, granted, I am never going to get my parents back, but a fresh start is definitely on the horizon. After Jay and I broke up and Mel and I had an even deeper heart-to-heart later that night, I made a few promises to myself. They’re very simple promises, but ones that I hope will wipe the slate clean.
1. Choose happy.
2. Appreciate beauty.
3. Let love in.
Like I said, simple, refreshingly simple.
Melanie and I moved into our college dorm suite yesterday, and even though it was beyond difficult to say goodbye to Momma C, it was so thrilling and exciting to be on our own. Our suite mates also moved in yesterday. They are awesome. Beyond awesome, actually. Lia and Camryn are cousins. They’re also sophomores, so we didn’t just get kickass roommates, we got built-in tour guides, too. Our suite is kickass as well. Actually, I wouldn’t even call it a suite; it’s an apartment. Melanie and I share a room, and Lia and Cammie share the other. They’re not small rooms, either — there’s more than enough room for a bed, desk, dresser, and full closet for each of us. We share a common living area that the college furnished so it’s kind of boring, but after we all added our own personal touches, it really felt like home. There’s a modest kitchen area — an apartment-sized stove and fridge. The sink is nestled in a small length of pale blue Formica countertop that forms an L-shaped breakfast bar opposite the appliances. It’s not high-tech or anything like that, but it’s functional, and for the first time ever, it’s mine — really and truly mine. This is the first time in my life that I’ve actively chosen to live somewhere — that I’ve actually felt comfortable enough to put my personal stamp
on it.
Lia, Cammie, Mel, and I are headed out to lunch at the local pizza place, and I am beside myself with how much has changed in the days since I left home. I feel lighter, freer. I feel good, really good, and I just can’t stop smiling about it.
“So what are you guys up to tonight?” Cammie interrupts my daydreaming. “There’s a house party at Jack’s tonight. He said you guys should come. He’d love to meet you.” Jack and Cammie were high school sweethearts, and unlike Jay and me, they loved each other enough to make things work. They’ve been together for the last three and a half years, while Jack was starting here and Cammie was finishing up high school, and from what Cammie has shared so far, they’re both in it for the long haul.
“Oh, my God! You guys should definitely come. Jack’s parties are always awesome. Please, please, please — you don’t want to be without your new roomies for the whole night, now, do you?” This is from Lia. She’s a little bubbly, to say the least. I wish I had a quarter of her energy and spirit, though considering my new promises to myself, spending more time with Lia might be in my near future.
Mel and I share a glance over our slices and simultaneously say “hell, yeah.” We spend the rest of lunch chatting about how we grew up, where we’re from, how we’re feeling about college — well, they share; I just smile and nod.
“Why so quiet, Maddy?” Cammie chimes in, and I immediately freeze.
It’s not like I’m embarrassed or ashamed that my parents are dead, but I just wanted to move beyond it, and here it is staring me down. I take a deep breath and choose happy — just like my new rules said I should.
“No reason, really. Just not much to share. My parents died when I was a little girl. My aunt adopted me. She died this past spring. Then Mel and her momma kinda sorta adopted me. I’ve lived with them for the last few months, and now I’m here on my own.” Wow, so that’s what my life looks like in a nutshell.
Stunned into silence, neither Lia nor Cammie can formulate a response more eloquent than “oh.”
It didn’t take more than a beat for Lia to regain her effervescence. “You are not on your own. You’ve got us, and we’ve got you. I don’t know what it’s like to lose parents, and I won’t ever pretend that I do, but if you ever need anyone to talk to about it, I’m here.” She smiles at me reassuringly. “Now, let’s finish this pizza and get ready for Jack’s later.”
Cammie and Mel raise their sodas in a mock “cheers” to Lia’s proclamation of friendship.
“Same from me, Maddy,” Cammie says. “I’m here for you. Let’s focus on happier things and have a blast tonight. It’ll be good to cut loose before classes start on Monday, and I know Jack is dying to meet you girls. His housemates are pretty excited, too. For your information, they’re real easy on the eye — his housemates, I mean. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love Jack more than anything, but oh, my, he has got himself some gorgeous friends.”
Cammie’s little tidbit stirs a sea of laughter from the three of us. I’m definitely excited for tonight now.
***
Jack’s house is practically vibrating from the bass of the music. It’s so loud that I can’t even figure out what song is playing. Cammie opens the front door and drags us all in behind her. She maneuvers her way through the crowd and up the stairs. She stops in front of one of three doors in the hallway and digs through her purse for a key.
“This is Jack’s room. Our stuff will be safe in here. I’m the only one other than him who has a key.” Cammie tucks the key into her back pocket, and we all put our bags in his closet. Before we go back downstairs, Cammie fills us in on Jack’s housemates.
He shares the place with two other guys — Logan O’Rourke and Reid Connely. They are all seniors and have shared the house since the beginning of junior year. Jack is studying physical therapy and is hoping to set up his own practice after finishing grad school. Logan is the football star. Cammie jokes that he was born with a football in his hand. Reid, apparently, is the loose cannon of the group. He’s changed his major so many times that Cammie isn’t even one-hundred-percent sure what it is anymore. She knows nothing of his home life; no one does. Maybe the guys know something about him, but anytime Cammie asks Jack about it, he tells her, “Guys don’t talk about that shit,” and she just leaves it alone. The only thing she does know is that Reid is hot. Like, really fucking hot — her words, not mine. After the brief background bio on the boys, we are off to party.
The crowd seems to have multiplied in the ten minutes that we were upstairs. Cammie brings us into the kitchen and grabs some red Solo cups for the keg out on the back patio. The entire house screams “bachelor pad.” Well, bachelor pad/college frat house combo. It works, though. It isn’t so dirty that you fear contracting an STD if you sit on the couch, but it is pretty far from clean.
When we get outside, Cammie’s face softens, and her eyes light up. She has locked eyes with who I assume is Jack, who is manning the keg.
“Hey, ladies.” His voice oozes smoothness. “Thanks for coming. Did you put everything up in my room? These parties can get a little crazy.”
“Yeah, we’re good, Jack. Pour me one?” Lia holds her cup out for Jack to fill.
“Jack, this is Melanie and Madeleine.” Cammie introduces us as he moves on to filling her cup and then ours.
I take a sip, and he notices the look on my face. “Thanks, Jack, but I’m just not much of a drinker.”
“No problem, Madeleine. There’s water in the fridge. Help yourself to whatever you want,” Jack instructs.
“Thanks. A college kid who doesn’t drink — I guess I belong in the Smithsonian or something, huh? Oh, and by the way, you can call me Maddy. I’m going to head inside and take you up on that water. I’ll be back out in a minute.” I hear their “okay” as I head back into the kitchen.
There is a group playing quarters on the island and another group lining up shots on the breakfast bar — so not my scene. I just shrug, open the door, and pull out a bottle of water, and, when I turn around to walk back outside, I face-plant into a wall of solid muscle.
“Hand me one?” His voice is smooth and gruff at the same time.
Red-faced, I turn back around and get him his water, glad for the cool respite that the opened refrigerator door offers.
“Here you go.” I can’t peel my eyes away from his mouth as he moves the bottle to his lips. They are perfect - beautiful and full in a completely masculine way. I watch, completely fascinated, as his throat moves, downing the water in three or four large gulps. He wipes his mouth with his forearm, and I can’t help but let my eyes travel up the rest of his arm to his biceps and shoulders. Those are the same as his lips — perfect. Amazingly, gorgeously, utterly, divinely perfect. Muscled and tanned, his arms are mouthwatering.
My knees wobble. My heart thuds. Thousands of butterflies spread their wings in my belly.
I’ve never felt like this before, even with Jay. I’m caught completely off guard.
“Thanks…” He stares blankly at my face for a minute, and I can’t help but wonder if he likes what he’s seeing. He clears his throat and rouses me from my little daydream where the gorgeous boy is mesmerized by the maybe-a-little-above-average-looking girl. That’s when I realize he is asking for my name.
“Maddy. Sorry, my name’s Maddy.” I nearly choke on my tongue over my freaking name.
Dork.
When I regain the ability to speak like a normal human being, I continue, “My suite mate Cammie is dating one of the guys who live here.” My mouth goes dry and it takes a monumental effort to even get those simple words out.
He just nods in return and pushes past me to grab another bottle of water. He is covered in sweat, and when he brushes my arm, he gets some on me. I am not grossed out; in fact, suddenly I wish he would get me all sweaty in an entirely different way. He’s obviously just finished working out. He is wearing a lightweight gray T-shirt and black mesh shorts, and even though he is drenched in sweat, he smells delicious. He is
that divine combination of sweat and cologne and man that I’m pretty sure every woman swoons over.
The silence is killing me, so as he’s chugging down his second bottle of water, I wiggle my bottle in front of me and say, “I’m not that much of a drinker, so I hope you don’t mind if I steal one of these from you?”
“Help yourself. It’s just water. I’m going to go grab a shower. Maybe I’ll see you later, Maddy.”
And with that he is gone. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind watching him leave — his back is just as glorious as his front — absolutely yummy, but I wouldn’t have minded talking, or, um, staring, just a little longer. Knowing his name would have been nice, but seeing as he said he was going to grab a shower, he must live here. So his name was either Logan or Reid.
I go back outside as the girls are mid-laugh about something Jack is telling them. Melanie immediately notices the blush on my face. “Are you okay, Maddy? You look a little flushed.”
“I’m good. It’s just a little hot and crowded in there.”
Like six feet, two inches of solid, gorgeous, beautiful man hot and crowded.
I keep that to myself, though.
“Come on, girls, let’s go dance!” Lia, bubbly as ever, is in full-on party mode. She drags us back into the living room, changes the music to some techno dance beat, and starts moving. It’s hard not to follow her lead. She is just so much fun.
We really get into it, too. The party is in full swing, and Cammie, Lia, Mel, and I are having so much fun in our small dance group that I don’t really care that I’m not drunk like the rest of the people there. I promised myself that I would choose to be happy, and that is exactly what I am doing. I dance and dance and dance. My arms swing over my head in a languorous, smooth movement as my hips move to the beat. As I turn around, I look over at the stairs, where mystery man from earlier is walking down.
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