by Erme Lander
Mika was fidgety, wanting to lash out for no reason. Worried about changing, she’d asked for a lock on her door and after sharp words with Chiara, she’d been allowed one. She endured interviews with scholars about her changing and insisted on seeing what was written down about her, correcting any speculations. They had little information on her kind, it appeared any information was jealously guarded by her people. She was unable to change when they asked, despite the irritation, she felt something stopping her and wondered if it was to do with her pregnancy.
Her belly swelled, Jon commented with amusement on the number of times she went to the privy. She lectured him in return on the consequences of enjoying himself with girls, making him squirm in embarrassment.
Mika worked down in the hospice helping those who came. They’d bring food, money, whatever they could afford. If they could reach the hospice then they would be treated, no one was turned away. She took turns in weeding the gardens and cooking food. For the first time she enjoyed the company of women as a woman.
She watched the guards training and realised if she’d known of this place then she could have found sanctuary as a woman. She wondered, if having had the choice between coming here or being in Ackbarr, what she would have chosen.
She sat in the library with Jon, helping with his studies or rather staring at the same book as him, until he jabbed her with a sharp elbow to remind her of the question he’d just asked.
“You’re mooning again, it must be that baby.”
Mika glared and he pulled a face to show how she’d looked two seconds ago. She laughed and stopped. A ghost from months ago stood in the doorway. Thinner than she had been, Lissina stood with one hand raised to her mouth in shock as she recognised them. Mika couldn’t stop the guilt rising in her eyes, she started to stand, to say something, anything. Lissina turned and walked out of the room.
Jon looked confused, “Who was that?”
“Lissina”
He opened his mouth and shut it again as he realised. Relief that Lissina had recovered from her injuries filled Mika, followed by her own guilt. What was she doing here? How was she going to cope with Lissina being here? Her hands crept down to her stomach. She was pregnant, Lissina must have realised she was a girl. She sat slowly, feeling sick.
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
At the main meal, Mika saw Lissina again, despite Mika trying to stay behind the others. Lissina’s eyes flicked to her and away. She looked drawn, no longer the vivacious girl Mika remembered. Mika stood with the rest of the women at the table, hugely conscious of her stomach. She ate little and excused herself early. She stopped in the library to pick up a book she’d left earlier.
“Mikon.” Mika turned, Lissina stood behind her in the doorway, eyes accusing.
Mika took a deep breath, “It’s Mika and I’m sorry.”
“You lied to me.”
“I didn’t mean...”
“You lied to everyone, I’ll tell them, tell all of them back in Ackbarr.” There was a desperation in her words, Mika’s heart bled. Lissina’s eyes widened as they dropped to her stomach. “You’re having a baby.”
“Yes.”
“Is it...is it his?” She was trembling, fists clenched.
“No.”
“How can you be pregnant then?”
How could she be pregnant? A number of cutting replies bubbled up and the only true one swamped them. “He killed Ezra.”
“Ezra?”
“He was a musician.” Mika’s voice choked, “Jace killed him.” Lissina flinched at the name. Mika longed to have some comfort, some feeling of sympathy between them. They’d been friends, they’d both lost something to Jace, surely they could…
Lissina’s voice was cold, breaking through her thoughts, “I thought I loved you. You used me like everyone else.”
“No.”
They stood, looking at each other. Mika tried again, “Lissi, several years ago I was...”
“Shut up!” Lissina screamed. “Don’t ever call me that again. Do you want to know what it was like? How he laughed when I begged him to stop...” Her words trailed off and her eyes glazed.
“He’s dead.” Mika’s voice was small. “He won’t hurt you again. I killed him.”
Lissina’s voice was flat as she replied, “He’ll never be dead. Every time I close my eyes, I see him over me. Every night...” She paused, eyes squeezed tightly shut, fists clenched. Mika took a step towards her and she whirled out of the doorway, the sound of her steps unsteady through the long corridor.
The temple complex wasn’t large. Mika kept seeing Lissina at a distance. Miserable, she tried to keep out of her way. Mika could see how unstable Lissina was, at some points she still didn’t quite see her as a girl, despite her pregnancy. At others, Lissina accused her wildly of using her as cover. The look in Lissina’s eyes if she caught sight of her in the dim corridors was horrendous, Mika wasn’t sure at times if she was mistaking her for Jace. She attempted to speak to one of the priestesses, all she could counsel was patience.
Mika stomach had grown hugely. Jon became solicitous beyond his years, running to get things for her, despite her protests that she wasn’t an invalid. She longed to be slim and quick again, to move without thought. The healer watched her constantly, eyes narrow, making Mika more nervous every time she saw her. Avoiding Lissina one lunchtime, Mika walked through the courtyard, seeing a swirl of horses, yet more visitors. She watched with interest, people came and left every day.
She caught the sight of a familiar silhouette, Gavin. He was helping someone down from a horse and her heart thumped as she recognised Belindros. He was scanning the courtyard, looking. When he saw her, he raised a hand in greeting. Without thinking, Mika cupped her hands around her stomach and kept her distance while they collected themselves and walked away to greet Chiara.
Chapter 22
Belindros had been given rooms in the main part of the complex, for some reason they seemed to think that his age made him trustworthy around women. Mika snorted, she could imagine his comments about the plainer of the women here.
She knocked on Belindros’ door, she’d come to see him reluctantly when he’d sent a message. She couldn’t ignore him after all he had done for her, but she couldn’t forgive his treatment of her brother. He opened the door and his eyes widened at the size of her stomach. A twist went through her. He must have known of her pregnancy, Gavin would have told him.
“Mika.” He nodded her to a chair opposite him.
She remained standing, despite her aching back, “You wanted to see me Medici?”
His eyes glinted with anger, “You think I don’t care? Try this one, you loved your brother didn’t you?” She nodded stiffly. “Could you have denied him the way you did Jace?” Mika looked startled. Denied him? “He’d been in that body too long Mika. Neither of us knew what state his mind was in. Could you have taken the chance that he wouldn’t have taken advantage of you? The same way Jace wanted to?”
“He was my brother.” She whispered it, not wanting to remember the tickling of a mind across hers, the warmth seducing her.
“Jace was your father.” She shook her head. “Yes, he raped your mother, narrowly escaped being gelded for it. The man who brought you up wasn’t your father. Why do you think your mother never left the compound, except to see the few family members who would still talk to her? She couldn’t risk Jace getting his hands on her again. Jace and your mother had the same grandfather. Complete bastard by all accounts.”
“She told me...” She stopped, her mother had told her that she and her father were too closely related, that was all. Mika remembered her father’s face while she’d spoken, blank and tight. Something clicked in her memory, all those months ago, the conversation between her parents she’d overheard. Her mother’s stance in the moonlight.
“I don’t know what she told you. All I know is that Koren did some fast talking to marry your mother so quickly. H
e was skilled even as a youngster.”
Changing the subject, he reached back to the table. “I brought these for you, I thought they might help.”
She took the packet he held out, a familiar smell wafted up. “Dried vineflowers.”
“Corettle is the proper name for it, vineflower is the native term. The Cassai use them to prevent the change happening.”
She remembered the vineflowers twining around house and garden. “Mother used them to keep us safe.”
“Yes, I realise now. I know she used them.”
Her feet hurt and she sank into the previously scorned chair. “What do you mean?”
“Your mother could change, do you remember me telling you there was one woman alive who was capable of breeding true changers?” She nodded. “Your mother. Somehow Koren managed to fool the elders into believing you and Kaylan were his. He told me this when we met, while he was looking for your brother. They’d thought you were both too old for a first changing. Thought you were safe.”
Tears began to roll, “Why did they marry me off then? If they knew Kaylan had changed, didn’t they think?”
He shrugged, “I don’t know, things were happening too fast. Maybe they couldn’t stop the marriage, it had been arranged previous to Kaylan’s changing. Maybe they thought you’d be safer in Fenin.” Her back ached and she shifted to relieve it. They sat in silence, not quite companionable. Mika was still wary, not entirely ready to forgive.
Belindros’ voice was soft. “Mika, your brother was beginning to heal already. You seemed to be responding to something, your eyes were changing. Can you blame me for not wanting to take the chance? I knew you couldn’t have denied him. You couldn’t even stop that little twerp Orai from misbehaving.” His whole body had slumped, “If he’d dominated you, then we’d have had two cats in the room, uncontrollable. Gavin couldn’t have kept us safe. Jace’s body was also attempting to heal.”
“That’s why you cut his head off?”
“Yes. I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“He was my brother...” Her face was in her hands now, tears streaming. Belindros pulled a stool close to her, carefully lowering himself onto it and held his arms out. Unable to deny herself the comfort, she fell into them and let him hold her while she sobbed. Gradually she became aware that her whole body was taut and uncomfortable, the baby inside her kicking out in protest. She rubbed her stomach.
“Forgive me?” The lines in his face were deep as he peered up at her.
Mika nodded, “How did you explain it all? The King couldn’t have been happy.”
“I did some very fast talking. Thankfully the King acknowledged Jace was getting out of control. I don’t think he was even taking the drugs I gave him properly anymore. Lissina was the last straw. The others had been serving girls, beneath the King’s notice. Lord Dellan, Lissina’s father, was applying pressure to get rid of him, plus others of the court who weren’t happy.”
“And Ezra?” Her voice nearly crumbled again.
“Ezra is being missed by everyone who knew him well.”
She bowed her head. Belindros waited until she asked, “What excuses did you make?”
“Something along the lines that you’d brought his drugs, instead of me and he’d lost control of his cat. It helped that the guard had seen you come out with claw marks down your face.”
“Why didn’t he come and help? He must have heard all the noise.”
Belindros snorted, “Don’t blame him, he was only a young lad. Jace terrified him, you’d seen him fighting. That guard was more of a sop to the nobles demands. If Jace had wanted to get out then he would have. Gavin shoved his way past that lad with barely a protest, he was only too pleased to have someone take control.”
“Lissina is here.”
He nodded, “I’d have warned you if I’d known. Her father told me before I left. It must have been a shock, for both of you. How is she?”
“I don’t know. Her body seems to have healed, but not her mind. She’s accusing me of everything.”
The lines in his face settled deeper and he said quietly, “I wonder sometimes, if surviving is a good thing. I’ll speak to her and see what I can do.”
There was a long silence between them, the fire crackled and hissed from the salt in the wood. Far outside, the sea could be heard, crashing against the cliffs below.
Belindros stretched and moved back to his chair. “Your father – Koren, took both of them back to Cassai. They’ve held the funeral.”
“Including Jace?”
“He was royal. In some ways, by being able to change, more than most.”
“Why didn’t you tell my father I was with you?” She still thought of her father as the man who’d raised her. She shied away from thinking of Jace as her father.
“Politics.” Belindros’ voice was disgusted. “I couldn’t be seen talking to him, sending messages to him. The King wanted Cassai isolated, to help him persuade his nobles that they could invade. They knew I’d been there on many occasions and I had you as an apprentice. All I could do was allow Koren to see you. I thought it would help. I didn’t know you weren’t Kaylan.”
“Why have you come here?” Her hands cradled her stomach, the last worry left.
He nodded at her hands, “To help you. I thought it might help if you had someone around during labour that you knew...” Uncharacteristically he trailed off.
She let him simmer, then said simply, “I’d like that.”
He beamed and Mika realised how worried he’d been, how unsure of her reactions.
With Belindros around, the days settled into a rhythm, back to learning again and with a contentment that hadn’t been there before. Belindros regained his acerbic wit, whilst looking out for signs of tiredness from her. Jon was whipped into shape. Mika would sit back at times and watch them bickering happily. The summer turned into autumn, the sea changing from deep blue in the sunshine to a sullen pewter grey. Mika’s stomach grew more enormous and Gavin teased her about stealing his food. Lissina appeared to respond to Belindros. He said she’d been found duties, helping others down at the hospice.
The few times Mika saw Lissina were still too many, both of them coming to a halt in the corridor if they saw each other. Mika deliberately kept her eyes down at mealtimes in case she caught Lissina’s gaze. The last month of pregnancy was especially bad. Feeling heavy and uncomfortable, Mika spent more time gazing out of the window in her room than walking.
Mika lay in bed, two small bundles next to her. Jon hovered, fascinated by the movement of the sleeping babies. The birth had been long and frightening for both her and Belindros. He’d not allowed anyone else in the room during the labour and they were both exhausted by the end of it. Neither of them had known how she would react to the stress.
She lay in her bed for several days, moping about her room. Never having been good at boredom, she struggled to the library, sat and read in between feeding the babies. To her frustration, she discovered she couldn’t go anywhere with them, the two together were too much and Jon had to help. With the frustration of her tired body, her mind kept driving her on, unable to stop. Exhaustion beckoned as she found herself staring at the same page, not having read any of it.
The care of her babies was an endless cycle of feeding, changing, washing. Mika, expecting to turn back into her old self immediately after the birth, was thwarted by them waking during the night and her own body refusing to do as she wished. She was offered assistance and she refused, believing she had to do everything for them herself. She imagined Ezra’s reactions to them, half asleep at night while feeding them, not realising he would have laughed and told her to accept the help.
Depression grew and her other side began to wake. The dreams began again, frightening her with their intensity. She felt torn between the love she had of her independence and learning, and the fierce love she had for her babies. They were stocky limbed and dark haired, neither appeared to take after her for the moment. Even Belindros had
shrugged at her questions. She would have to wait until they’d grown to see if they’d inherited her curse or his gift of music. Her thoughts ranged further ahead, ten or fifteen years of waiting, she’d nearly be in her thirties and her thoughts plummeted further as she saw her life narrowing.
“I’m worried I’ll hurt them.” The confession came out several weeks after the birth as Belindros sat in her room one evening, the babies in their basket. “I’ve been having those dreams again, I don’t seem to be able to control when they happen.”
He looked thoughtful, “I don’t think you’d hurt them, part of you would recognise them as yours, surely?”
“What if I don’t?”
“Then put them in another room, we can get someone else to sleep with them.”
His sensible answer infuriated her. “No!”
“You’re looking tired, a good night’s sleep...”
Mika ignored him, standing as one of the babies shifted, anticipating them wanting to feed again. Both healthy boys, they had an appetite their father would have been proud of. She was losing weight rapidly, dark circles under her eyes. She turned away sharply, Belindros watching with sympathetic eyes.
“Do you want to look after them?”
He’d put his finger on the one sore point she didn’t want to think about. She put her head in her hands, “I love them, I just can’t do anything, can’t go anywhere. I can’t even read, they feed constantly, wake in the night, I can’t concentrate.”
“It will change, they don’t stay this small forever.”
“It’ll be years.” A whisper.
“You could continue your studies at home, in Cassai. Your parents would love to have you back. There are plenty of healers who are women there. They would also be happy to have you here at the temple. I have heard nothing but praise from Chiara and the hospice. They’d find you a wet nurse and you could study further.”
