by Jewel E. Ann
Oh the irony …
So many young women looked for guys who would commit and be faithful. Give them that coveted monogamy. I was once that young woman.
Not anymore.
I wanted the opposite of everything I had with Craig. It wasn’t that I wanted to erase a single minute of our lives together (save for the last day I saw him). I simply wanted a part of my life to truly be mine.
My needs.
My desires.
My secret.
He kicked the heel of my boot with the toe of his, a subtle gesture that no one else saw. “Then I’d better keep up on my STD testing and not ever oblige you with my naked tip again. Epperly may be a small town, but STDs don’t care about population size.”
I liked that he was the cautious one. Since really … he would be the one spreading the hypothetical STDs. Twenty-two years in a monogamous marriage left me with a lot, but never an STD.
When we arrived at my SUV, I turned toward him before opening my door. We kept a safe distance of several feet, hands in our pockets.
“You really don’t care, do you?”
His forehead wrinkled. “Care about what? I care about a lot, so you’ll have to be more specific.”
“You don’t care if tomorrow night I have sex with some other guy. It’s not cheating. You won’t be upset.”
The tension on his face remained idle for a bit, as if he had to contemplate what I said—or maybe how to respond. It felt weird. Had I read him all wrong?
Before I could clarify or rephrase anything, he relaxed his expression and lifted a single shoulder. “Your life, Elsie. Not mine.”
My life.
A huge grin spread along my face. I had no intentions of having sex with some other guy … at least … not the following night. But the reality that I had a life of my own again felt so freeing.
“Great.” I turned and opened the driver’s side door. “Oh …” I twisted to look back at him. “It goes both ways. In case you were worried. If you and Tillie have sex. That’s fine. None of my business. Just make sure you’re upfront with her. She’s been through a lot. I’m not sure she’d be okay with a sex toy.”
Kael’s thick eyebrows eased up his forehead. “Okay … um … thanks for the heads-up. If it gets brought up, I’ll let her know the situation.”
“But don’t tell her it’s me. Remember … this is our secret.”
His chin lifted for a brief pause, inspecting me with a peculiar look before dropping into a sharp nod. “Got it. I should maybe have NDAs with my women, huh?”
Women? Was he serious?
I shook my head and closed my eyes for a second.
None of my business. None of my business. None of my business.
“Uh … yeah. Sure.” I hustled to get into my vehicle and shut the door, offering a quick glance and even quicker smile before shoving my Tahoe into reverse.
Chapter Twelve
I’m not sure why he married me when my opinion means less than that of a complete stranger.
* * *
Several days later, I put a huge SALE sign in the store window. That doubled my customers from the previous day, but it didn’t do much to affect profits since I actually had to put stuff on sale—stuff I wouldn’t normally mark down until Black Friday or the week after Christmas.
The day after that, I had a sign for complementary hot cider and pumpkin chocolate chip muffins. That brought in more customers, but sales only budged a little. A lot of token purchases were made, five-dollar-or-less items. And everyone had to pay with a freaking credit card. By the time I factored in the processing fee, I basically lost money for the day.
“He’s running me out of business, and there’s nothing I can do.” I confessed my frustration to Amie on our early morning walk with Meadow.
“Then you need to let the shop go or else you need to play dirty.”
“Play dirty?”
She had no idea I’d been playing very dirty with him. I came so close to telling her on multiple occasions, but I liked my secret too much. It was the first time in … forever … that I had something one hundred percent for myself.
“Start a rumor. Run him out of town.”
I shot her the hairy eyeball. “Such as?”
“Maybe say you heard so-and-so got something like salmonella or some sort of parasite from one of his products. Rat droppings in his kitchen. Changing expiration dates on his packaging. So many possibilities. Or go after his shiny reputation. Say he said or did something inappropriate to you.”
That wasn’t entirely wrong. But I asked for it—literally.
“Not his character. It wouldn’t be believable. Everyone has him on an unreachable pedestal.”
“Then knock him down one inch at a time. The rat droppings will put an end to his cooking classes. A parasite issue or salmonella will kill sales on all edible items. So that leaves him with a handful of non-edible items, and I just don’t think he has enough of those things to keep him in business on those sales alone.”
I didn’t want to run him out of business or out of town. I just wanted him to sell completely different products or be the fitness studio I’d originally hoped for. Why was that too much to ask?
“God … I heard his peppermint bark will double your ass size and dimple your thighs.” Amie blew out an exasperated breath.
“Well, it is really good.”
“Oh? When did you try it?”
“Uh … the other night. Rach caught me just after I closed the store. She practically dragged me over there to try it.”
“And was the hot guy there?”
“What hot guy?” I kept my attention forward and my face straight.
“As if you don’t know. The hot guy who wants into your old lady panties.”
I giggled. “He does not.” He definitely did. “And yes, he was there. No big deal. I can be civil with him, even if I want to put him out of business.”
And just like that …
I donned my big girl pants (and old lady panties) and headed off to work.
Everything had samples that day.
Every flavor of sausage roll.
Every tub of cheese.
Every tin of popcorn.
Jellies.
Chocolates.
Candies.
Everything.
I played the holiday music extra loud. Wore a bigger smile. Exuded a brighter attitude. And I sold stuff.
I pulled customers off the street. Asked them about their day. Complimented little details like earrings, nail polish, handbags, and the sure winner—Wow! You’re looking good. It’s so nice to see you. Thanks for coming in today.
Kael sold products because he brought something new to Epperly, but it wasn’t olive oil and flavored vinegar. He brought his larger-than-life, genuinely kind personality.
I used to have that too. Then my marriage fell apart without anyone knowing. The passion for my husband died. And at the time, part of me died too.
After his fatal accident, I wanted out of Epperly. I needed to escape, but I couldn’t. So my heart wasn’t in it.
Until … Kael Hendricks.
He became my escape. And a stolen hour or two with him made it easier to breathe again. Smile more. Engage with friends and customers. And maybe … keep the family business alive.
By the time I arrived at the church that evening for our grief meeting, I felt ready to conquer the world.
“How is everyone’s week going?” Rhonda asked as we quieted our chatter to begin the meeting.
Some “goods” and “okays” followed. I threw out a “great.” Tillie Cunningham also tossed out a “great.” Hers was louder, grabbing everyone’s attention.
“Well…” Rhonda laughed “…looks like Tillie is going first.”
“I had a date.” Her face beamed as her posture straightened. “And I know everyone has been telling me to get back on the horse, but it’s been hard. It’s funny how we don’t listen to those closest to us. That used to frustrate me a
bout my husband. I wondered why he married me when my opinion meant less than that of a complete stranger. Yet … I was talking to a customer at work a few weeks ago, and she suggested I do it. Make a date. I know … I know … all of you have been telling me this for months, and then one day a stranger suggests it and boom! It sinks in. I felt instant remorse for all the years I let that same trait in my husband irritate me.”
“Your date was with Kael! That’s right. Tell us all about it.” Bethanne reached over and patted Tillie’s leg.
The voice of reason told me to stay calm. Neutral. Unaffected.
“Okay. Yes. Well, I made him dinner. My white bean chili. He loved it. We talked about so many things, and it felt easy. I didn’t expect for it to feel so easy. But he has this calmness to him. It’s so inviting. Not once did I feel the need to unload my grief, which made me realize that maybe I’m no longer carrying around as much of it anymore. And the more we talked about our pastimes, places we’ve traveled, places we’d like to go … this connection started to build. I know it’s only been one date, but I have a good feeling about us.”
Us.
Her declaration of them as a couple completely squashed that voice of reason. I’d had a good day. I was strong and confident. But I wasn’t immune to all emotion—including that nagging jealousy.
“That is fantastic. Praise be to God,” Rhonda said. “You should invite him to church this Sunday.”
Tillie nodded. “I think I will. He’s not religious—well, anymore—but he’s such a good man. I can see him finding his way back and accepting Jesus Christ as his Savior. But once saved, always saved. So maybe he just needs a good church family—a little nudge.”
Satan lived inside of me. In a tiny room down the hall from the sanctuary doors, I sat idle with Satan lassoing my soul. Evil words formulated in my head. I couldn’t stop them from having a voice, even if I didn’t let that voice out to the group.
Kael wasn’t going to fall in line and confess his sins. He wasn’t going to accept Jesus Christ as his Savior. He wasn’t going to be re-baptized in the church and put a ring on Tillie’s finger. He wasn’t going to re-virginize himself and wait for intimacy until their wedding night. And it wasn’t fair of Tillie to push him in that direction—to take advantage of his kindness.
And it wasn’t okay for her to … STEAL MY SEX TOY!
My hand flew to my mouth, trapping my laughter.
Laughing. At. Myself.
I couldn’t believe my mind went there.
These women were my friends. We’d been with each other through so much grief. We didn’t do anything but lift each other up and encourage each other to find life after loss. Tillie deserved only the best. She was in her early thirties, closer to Kael’s age. Of course, he would find her appealing. She was genuinely kind, like him.
I used to be kind. I wasn’t sure what happened.
“Sorry.” I cleared my throat and dropped my hand. “Sneezed.”
Rhonda relaxed her frown and nodded slowly. “Bless you.”
“Thanks.”
“How about you, Elsie?” Rhonda tilted her head to the side. “Anything appropriate you’d like to share today?”
Appropriate? Well played, Rhonda.
As if I would’ve ever had anything inappropriate to share. “I’ve been focusing on the store and trying to give it and our customers the love and attention that Craig used to do. It’s brought some peace and sense of true accomplishment to my life.”
“Oh!” Tillie perked up. “Kael had the nicest things to say about you and your store, Elsie. He said you have so much experience to offer since this is his first time in the retail business. He lost his mother last year. He said you remind him of her. It’s really sweet.”
His mother.
I reminded him of his mother. That was … cringe-worthy. It took the “Mrs. Smith” reference to a whole new level.
“Sweet.” My eyes widened as I bit my lips together. “Yeah, that’s … definitely sweet.”
“When did you start drinking beer?” Amie asked.
Glancing at my watch, I shrugged. “Ten minutes ago.”
She rolled her eyes. “I mean … you’ve never been a beer drinker. Honestly, I think you drink wine on my deck just to appease me.”
I invited her for a drink at Welch’s Pub in the town square. I hadn’t been there in years. Craig hung out there a lot, as did most of the guys in Epperly. Beer and big screens to watch sports.
We were tucked toward the back at a round, high-top table. The loud chatter in the packed bar along with the country music flowing from the old jukebox made it a little hard to hear, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk.
I just wanted to drink.
“Tillie Cunningham had a fabulous date with Kael. They really hit it off.” I sipped the foam off the top of my tap beer.
“Okay. And that’s why you’re drinking?”
My gaze remained affixed to the football game on one of the screens just over Amie’s shoulder. “She said he talked about me. He said I remind him of his mother, who passed last year.”
She took a sip of her red wine. “Well, if he liked his mother, then that’s a high compliment.”
Cupping my hands around the large beer mug, I nodded slowly. “Yup. That would be a great compliment had he not fucked me twice at my house and once at his store.”
Amie spat out her wine.
I grimaced, glancing down at the red stains splattered on my white sweater.
“Oh my gosh! I’m sorry …” She snatched her tiny cocktail napkin and leaned forward, blotting my sweater. “I just … you … oh my god …” Her hands paused as her eyes shifted, our gazes locking. “You slept with him?”
Plucking the napkin from her hand, I shook my head and dipped the flimsy paper in my water glass. “We didn’t sleep together. We fucked. And yes … I now use the word ‘fuck.’ I drink beer and have meaningless sex. Started my New Year’s resolutions a little early.”
A slow grin worked its way up Amie’s face as her saucer eyes remained unblinking. “Well … welcome to the dark side. I … I don’t know what to say.”
I didn’t want to smile or laugh; I just wanted to drink beer and forget about my adventures in sinful freedom. But my stupid grin betrayed me. “Just say I’m justified in feeling a little—a lot weirded out by his reference to his mom.”
“Frankly, I’m not sure what needs to be addressed first. The fact that you actually listened to me and had sex—fucked him.” She smirked. “Or that I’m just now hearing about it. Or that he’s … dating Tillie? Sorry to break it to you, but I think the mother reference is at the bottom of the list. And at the very top is you have to tell me everything. Was it planned? Spontaneous? Did you jump him? Did he seduce you? When did you have it in his store? Was the store open? Was it in a storage room or bathroom? Seriously, Elsie! I need to know!”
Somewhere during her rant and endless line of questions, I spaced off—glassy-eyed and thinking only about one thing. “Do you think it’s an age reference? I mean … there’s no way his mother had him when she was twelve. I’m not actually old enough to be his mom. And if it’s not an age reference, do you think it’s an appearance thing? I do have some gray hair showing that I thought was hidden.”
When my gaze shifted to Amie’s, she blinked at me with expressionless eyes and a neutral parting of her ruddy lips. “How was it? If you don’t give me this, I’m breaking up with you. Tell me it was mind-blowing. Tell me he’s a tireless, multiple-orgasms machine. Just … tell me.”
I grinned just before taking another swig of my beer. “It’s a drug. And until tonight, it was this secret we had. Like it wasn’t real except when we were together. He’s …”
“That good?”
Biting my bottom lip, I nodded.
“I hate you.”
I giggled. “Don’t. It went from uncomplicated, meaningless sex to Tillie Cunningham wooing him with her cooking, younger body, and an invitation to church so he can find God
again.” I frowned. “If he finds God, we’ll be over.”
Amie’s brow furrowed. “You do realize … you go to the same church. You believe in the same God.”
I rubbed my hands down my face. “I don’t know what I believe anymore. I know this feels like a midlife crisis. I was just hoping I could …” I shook my head and dropped my hands from my face. “I don’t know. I have this moment in my life that makes no sense but brings me such unfathomable pleasure. Like sowing my wild oats in my forties before succumbing to all the not-so-glamorous parts of aging that are just around the corner. And later I would …”
“Say a hundred Hail Marys?”
I smirked. “My religion doesn’t say Hail Marys.”
Amie blew out a slow breath. “Tillie Cunningham …”
“Yep. Epperly’s sweetheart. If I weren’t straight, I’d date her.”
Amie snorted. “Amen to that.”
“So …” I shrugged one shoulder. “I walk away. It was just sex.”
“Good sex.” Amie simpered behind the rim of her wine glass.
“So good.” Just as I swapped out my beer mug for my water glass, a group of guys filed into the bar. “Shit.”
“You weren’t kidding about the profanities. What?” Amie turned to follow my gaze, which led straight to the second guy in a line headed toward a recently emptied table. “Ooo la la!”
“Shut up.” I positioned myself to hide behind her body so Kael wouldn’t see me.
“New hot guy in town likes to hang with the guys, drink beer, and watch football. Sounds like Craig two-point-oh.”
“Minus the beer gut.”
“I’ll have to take your word on that. I haven’t seen his naked torso … yet. But from the sounds of things, he gets around. Maybe I should reserve something for December so I can see firsthand what all the fuss is about.”
“Not funny. Besides … he’ll be engaged to Tillie by then. Maybe. He’s not a believer in monogamy. But people change.”
“Jesus will change him.”
I rolled my eyes. “That would be something.”
