He shook his head and carried me to the sofa. “No. Never gonna happen again. Do you know what the fuck I’ve been through over the past forty-eight hours?”
“I’ve been here the whole time. I... I needed time to think, time to be alone,” I said.
“I didn’t even know here existed. Do you know what I went through the find this place? I called and texted over a dozen times, went by your condo, and everywhere else I could think of. I almost beat the shit out of a punk kid in order to find you. Why the fuck didn’t you call me back?” he snapped, setting me on the couch.
“I don’t get cell phone reception up here. It’s one of my favorite things about it. Why didn’t you just go by my clinic? My nurse or the Locum Tenen could have told you that I was out of town,” I replied, finally gaining some distance when he stood to pace.
“The Locum who?” he said, screwing up his face.
“The doctor I brought in to cover for me while I’m away,” I explained.
“Doc, I went by your clinic four times and no one is there. It looks to me like the place has been closed for business since you split.”
“What? That’s impossible. I called Doctor Bleeker and he assured me he was free to cover me for the week,” I said.
“A week? You were gonna take off for a week and not tell anyone?” Clutch shouted.
“I did tell someone. I told my nurse Maggie, the head administrator at my Dad’s facility, and Doctor Bleeker, who up ’til now, I thought was dependable.”
“But you didn’t think to tell me?” he asked.
“No, I did think to, but decided I didn’t want to,” I replied.
“And why the fuck not?”
“Because, you’re part of the reason I’m out here at my father’s cabin,” I said.
“What the hell did I do?”
“I can’t do this right now,” I said, rising to my feet, but feeling suddenly queasy.
“Baby, please don’t shut me out, talk to me,” Clutch said, gently pushing me back onto the sofa.
“Don’t call me that,” I said, tears forming in my eyes, standing again and stepping around the sofa to put distance between us.
“Just tell me what I did wrong, and I swear I’ll make it right,” he pleaded, moving toward me as I continued my retreat.
“You can’t fix this, Clutch. What I’m going through doesn’t fall under your neat little three category theory.”
“Please, Eldie, what have I done?”
“Everything, Nicky, you’ve done everything!” I stopped my retreat and broke down, falling into Clutch’s arms momentarily, before pulling myself away and beating on his massive chest. “You’ve barged into my life, and complicated every aspect of it, ruined my post-divorce plans, made me feel things that I was nowhere near ready to confront emotionally, and now... now... I’m pregnant.”
Clutch
The beating of my heart now matched the rhythm of Eldie’s pounding fists. Hours ago, I was afraid that I’d lost everything, and now the woman I loved was telling me that she was pregnant with my child.
“What? Are you sure?” I asked, unable to contain my ear-to-ear smile.
I was going to be a father. For the first time in my life, I was going to have a real family.
“I’m a doctor. I’m pretty sure I know how to administer and read a pregnancy test,” she said dryly. “This would also explain the recent bouts of nausea, crying, and eating anything that isn’t nailed down.”
I threw my arms around her and pulled her in as tight as I possibly could, before letting go in a moment of panic. “Oh, shit. I’m not crushing the baby, am I?”
“I’m only three weeks along, it’s not even a baby yet,” she said stepping away.
“Bullshit. That’s my kid in there and there’s nothing in the world that could ever keep me from raising him... or her.”
“Nicky, I came up here to decide what I’m going to do about all of this, and you being around is not going to make this any easier. So, now that you know I’m okay, can you please leave. I’ll get a hold of Maggie and figure out what’s going on back at the clinic and text you when I’m back in Portland.”
“Shoot me a text? What the fuck are you talking about? This is our child we’re talking about; our family.”
“We are not, nor could we ever be, a family. You’re a criminal, Nicky! A criminal who kills people.”
“Wait, hold on,” I said.
“No, Nicky. I won’t hold on,” she said. “You want me to use your real name? You want me to pretend we’re back in the confessional? You want honesty? Well, here it is. You make me feel better than any man has ever made me feel in every way. When I’m with you, I feel confident, beautiful, and more alive than I’ve ever felt before, but that is a fantasy. This pregnancy is a wake-up call back to reality, and I can’t have you muddying the waters of my decision making when it comes to my real life.”
“How can this just be your decision alone to make? Don’t I have a say? Gina, I love you and I want us to have this baby together.”
“See Nicky, that’s the problem.”
“I don’t understand. What problem?” I asked.
“That’s the first time you’ve ever told me that you love me and it’s only because I’m pregnant.”
“What the fuck?” I said in a tone that was probably not at sensitive as it should have been given the topic of conversation.
“I’m not mad, just being honest,” she said. “I don’t expect anything from you and am prepared to take care of myself.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means, we had a fling and I should have been more careful. I’m a doctor for crying out loud. How many women have I treated that got pregnant while on the pill?”
“It wasn’t a fling for me, Gina. I told you that before. I also just told you that I love you. Didn’t you hear me?”
“Didn’t you hear me? I don’t need you to tell me that you love me in order to make me feel better. I know who you are. I’ve seen glimpses of what you’re capable of, and it scares the shit out of me. You just said yourself that you were terrorizing some kid just because you couldn’t find me. How am I supposed to consider raising a child with you? Come on, Clutch. What kind of future are you picturing here? A little biker baby, wearing a miniature kutte, and riding a big wheel? Tell me, where do you see his father in this scene?”
“I see him right alongside his boy, teaching him to ride,” I said.
“Let me tell you what I see,” she said, looking deep into my eyes. “I see his father behind bars, or in the cemetery.”
“I meant what I said before about wanting to be a better man and about our club going clean, and I opened up to you about all of that before I knew you were pregnant. I also told Minus that I loved you after you went missing. Gina, I was out of my mind when I thought you’d been taken from me. Now that I know that your carrying our child, I’m even more committed to getting my shit together. I mean it.”
“I don’t know if that’s enough. I saw true hate in your eyes the other night. Murderous rage over a car, Nicky. I know Lucille was special to you, but what would you have done to the man that did that if you found him right then and there?” she asked.
“I did,” I replied softly.
“What?”
“Just after I sent you home. I found him. He and one of his crew of wannabes had just dropped Lucille on front of the Priest for me to find her and were around the back trying to steal Charlene. It was the same guy that I was chasing that night around your condo.”
“Who is he?”
“It was the kid.”
“The one you said you almost beat up to find me?”
“I thought he was with a crew. Turns out, he’s just some scrawny stray from the streets. The kind of kid that’s a prime target for a gang or an MC to take in,” I said.
“A club like the Burning Saints?” she asked.
“Worse, a club like Los Psychos,” I replied.
&nbs
p; “Who are they?”
“They are the people that I thought had taken you.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s how they do business. They were the ones that told the kid to trash Lucille. The kid was looking for a family, and they used him to get at me. Los Psychos takes the things you love and destroy them in front of you. They hate the Saints, and me and Minus are at the top of their shit list.”
“So, let me guess. You were justified in doing to him what he did to your precious, stupid car.”
“You can think what you want about me or my club, but you need to understand something. I have a code of ethics, and despite what you think you may know about me, there are lines I won’t cross. My club gets physical, yes. And, to answer your earlier question, yes, I have killed people. Bad people, but I could never hurt a kid.”
“You think, just because you deem your victims as bad, that gives you the right to commit murder?”
“I don’t deem them as bad, Doc, their own actions do. I’m just the evil that finally catches up with them.”
* * *
Gina
I’d taken a solemn oath to “do no harm,” and I’d meant it with every fiber of my being. Now, a man that I’d only known for a few weeks, whose offspring was currently growing inside me, was admitting to committing multiple counts of murder.
“So, it’s judge, jury and executioner for you, then? Your work day must be very busy.”
“You know what? Maybe you’re right,” Clutch replied. “I have been paid to be all three of those things. Sometimes by good people, and sometimes by other criminals, but let me assure you that every single person I’ve ever put under the ground deserved the bullet they got.”
“And what if you’d shot me the other night? Would I have deserved it?”
“That would have never happened,” he said, taking a step toward me.”
“Stay back, please.”
“Gina, you don’t ever have to be afraid of me.”
“I am afraid of you now! You say that you couldn’t have shot me, but the truth is you could have. One split second later and you could have killed me and our child.”
“That’s the first time you said, ‘our child,’” Clutch said softly. “Baby, please give me a chance to show you that I’m done with that life.”
“I told you not to call me that. Given my current condition, that word makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t know why I said our child and I don’t know what I’m going to do about anything yet. That’s why I came up here in the first place. Now you’ve broken into my cabin, scared me to death once again, and confused me even more.”
“I’m not confused. I love you and I want you, me, and this baby to be a family,” he said taking my hands.
When he touched me, every part of me wanted to trust him; to believe him when he said that he could change, but even if he did, would that be enough? Even if the Burning Saints moved into owning and running legitimate businesses only, and Clutch became Nicky full time, he still had a past as checkered as they came. Was I going to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder like one of those Mob wives, waiting for him to get arrested for a crime he committed years ago? Even worse, what if I was arrested as an accessory after the fact? What would happen to Clutch, Jr. then?
On the other hand, I may be able to lie to Nicky, but I knew the truth, and that was that I’d fallen in love with him and wanted to have this baby more than anything.
“You have to go,” I cried and broke away. “Please, just go home right now and give me time to figure everything out.”
“After all of this, how can you expect me to leave you here now? I love you, Gina.”
“If you really love me, then leave,” I said.
Clutch’s face was a stone. He said nothing, turned, and walked out, exiting the way he’d come in, silently. I heard the roar of Charlene’s pipes as Clutch started her up, and as soon as they’d faded into the distance, and I couldn’t hear them any longer, I cried and didn’t stop for four hours.
Clutch
I hit the bag with everything I had, throwing my full weight into each punch. Normally, I would classify what I was doing as “bad form,” however, I wasn’t currently focused on refining my right-hand technique, I simply needed to hit something, hard.
Eldie was right. I was a fucking animal that had no business raising kids, and a shit ton of nerve to try and convince her that I did. Not to mention, I didn’t deserve a woman like her anyway. She said it herself. I was supposed to be a post-divorce hook up for her and my dumb-ass went into the game ungloved. Now she’s the one that has to pay the price.
The timer on my stopwatch chimed, signaling the end of this portion of my workout. It had been three days since I’d left Eldie at the cabin and wouldn’t be surprised if I never heard from her again, which was probably all for the best. Minus had arranged for a sit-down meeting with Los Psychos’ club President and I needed to focus on that. Easier said than done, but I was happy to have work to focus on. After what happened with Lucille, as well as similar damage to one of our downtown bars that was under renovation, Minus thought it best to arrange a meeting to air out whatever grievance their club had with us. Honestly though, the final straw was when those psychos threw a Molotov Cocktail at the building where Kitty used to live. Those pieces of shit had to know that he didn’t live there anymore, or at least should have cared that families with children do. I hated these pricks and was pissed that they didn’t get the message when we ran out their Portland Chapter President.
I crossed the floor of the sanctuary’s makeshift boxing gym to the speed bag. I tapped the bag with a firm, quick right, followed by a left, alternate hands until I found a steady rhythm as I thought about how everything around me had changed so suddenly. A few weeks ago, I thought that Los Psychos were in the Club’s rear view mirror, and that my biggest problem was whether or not Minus would let me open my gym. Now, the stakes had never been higher with Los Psychos as two Club Presidents were about to sit down for the first time. I’d potentially blown my one shot at becoming a father, and I didn’t even have my fucking car anymore.
“Hey, yo. Can you do that Rocky shit?” a voice called out.
I stopped the bag and turned around quickly to see Alejandro, approaching with a mop and bucket.
“What the fuck do you want?” I asked.
“Nothin’. I just wanted to know if you could go super-fast on that thing like Rocky.”
“Aren’t you supposed to be cleaning this place up?” I asked our newest “intern.”
“C’mon, man, I said I was sorry about your ride, and I’m gonna pay for all the repairs; every cent, I swear.”
“Fuck off.”
“I mean it. I’ll work for your club for as long as it takes to make things right with you.”
“Listen very carefully, you could never replace what you took from me in a million years, and just because Minus thinks it’s a good idea to keep you around here, doesn’t mean I do. In fact, if it was up to me, your ass would be out on the street for Los Psychos to deal with. I’m sure they’d be more than understanding about you failing to complete your mission, not to mention getting your ass captured by the enemy. Yeah, they seem like the real understanding types when it comes to shit like that.”
He leaned against the mop handle sticking out of the bucket. “I told you guys that I don’t want to go back to Los Psychos. The only reason I was with those guys in the first place was because of my friend Joe. He thinks he’s a badass, so he wants to ride with them because they’re all hard and shit.”
“What about you, killer? You hard?” I asked.
“No,” he said looking down at the ground.”
“Let me ask you something kid. You got a family?”
“I got a sister,” he replied.
“She with your folks?”
“No mom, no dad. Just my sister,” Alejandro said without showing a trace of emotion.
“Well, I don’t have a mom or a
dad either. I don’t even have a sister like you do. In fact, for a long time I didn’t have anyone in the world that I truly loved, because they’d all abandoned me. Everyone except Lucille that is. No matter what, Lucille was always there for me, and the more love I put into her, the more love she gave me back in return. I loved her as much as anyone on this planet. Probably something close to how you feel about your sister, and now she’s a barely recognizable hunk of twisted metal. Right now, my beloved Lucille is lying underneath a tarp like a dead body on a slab at the morgue, and you want to talk to be about repaying me?”
“I still hope you’ll let me try,” he said.
“Where is she now?” I asked.
“Who?”
“Your sister.”
“Foster care, same as I was before,” he replied.
“Before what?”
“Before I left, man, okay? They were gonna kick me out for fighting all the time, so I split.”
“So, you do think you’re hard?” I asked.
“No, but if someone’s gonna come at me, I’m gonna defend myself.”
“What the fuck do know about defending yourself?” I asked.
“They had a punching bag and some gloves at one of the group homes I was in for a while. The guy that ran the place showed me a couple of boxing moves, and I kinda liked it. I was the smallest kid there, so I used to get picked on a lot. I started to fight back and most of the kids left me alone, but then I was in trouble with the staff, so I snuck out six months ago,” he said, his eyes once again locked onto the floor.
Jesus, I’d have to be as blind and devoid of a heartbeat as Hellen Keller to not see myself in this kid.
“The speed bag isn’t about doing ‘Rocky shit,’” I said, and Alejandro’s eyes shot up to mine. “It’s about finding a steady rhythm. Go get some gloves out of that locker over there and I’ll show you.”
* * *
Gina
I locked up my dad’s cabin and headed to my Jeep. I didn’t want to leave, but after driving into town yesterday so I could get a cell phone signal, I discovered Maggie had been left holding the bag, so to speak, since there was no doctor to cover for me. After being unable to get hold of me, she’d been forced to close up the clinic until I returned.
Clutch (Burning Saints MC) Page 14
