by Carmen Faye
“I’m not pitying you. I know what it feels to be in that bed, to feel trapped by the burns. I’m here because I didn’t want you to be alone either.” She pauses and looks around at the shadows of the woman on the bed with her husband and the back at the door behind her. Without waiting for me, she pulls up a brown folding chair the nurses put on my side in case I had visitors. She’s the only one to have touched it.
“Listen, Ash. I need to know for my sake if you know who started that fire at Thunder Cliff. Where you out there because you were looking for him? Did he lure you out there or something? I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’m constantly on the lookout for someone I don’t even know. Do you understand how that feels?” Her green eyes swell, practically glowing with tears. She’s absolutely sincere when she begs me to tell her for her peace of mind.
“Dani, if I told you…”
She whispers even softer than before as she scoots even closer to me, “Come on Ash. I understand that something happened, and I am guessing you were somehow involved. Maybe this is a revenge thing? I don’t care. I really don’t. Whatever was in the past is still in the past. It’s not going to change things.”
“Dani…” I can’t get the words out. How could she possibly understand the monster I really am when I am not with her?
“Ash!” She practically cries it out, forgetting where she is. “If you want me back, if you want me here with you and by your side, I need to know what I am dealing with.”
I bang my head back on the pillow, gritting my teeth as hard as I can. My hand slips under the covers and searches for the little black button the nurse gave to me on the first day. It sends a quick drip of painkillers through my veins. So far, I haven’t needed it to get by, but I know what I am about to tell Dani will require it.
The room grows silent as I speak lowly, my eyes focused on the wall before me so I don’t have to face her head on. “A few years back, there was this guy we called Spark because he was obsessed with matches and starting small little fires. It was just kid’s stuff like garbage fires and an occasional empty garage. We didn’t think much of it. He was this little shrimpy guy who thought he was bigger and badder than he was.
“When our club decided to break off from the Rangers, Spark thought he deserved a promotion to leading the drug transport routes, but I gave it to a more experienced guy. Spark shivved that guy right in our meeting hall in front of the entire club. We had no choice but to lock him up and then disown him from the club. The next week, the fires started, and I went hunting for him. I found him at Thunder Cliff near the old bridge.”
Dani swallows and looks away from me as I finish my story. She already knows how this is going to end.
“It was raining that night. And when he ran at me, he didn’t get a good enough shot. I managed to grab him and twist him so he was up against the rail. And I didn’t even hesitate to throw that bastard off of the bridge.”
“You killed him,” Dani interrupts, deadpan.
“Well, I thought I did,” I respond, not bowing to her moral judgment. "But then he came back. I wasn’t sure it was him, so I had an old detective friend, a guy who works for me, do some research on him after the fire at your apartment building. We found out that he, somehow, survived and has been hanging out this whole time. But somewhere along the way, he picked up a guy in our club and turned him against us. I trusted that fucker, and he led me right into the explosion at that house.”
“You killed him.” Dani’s eyes sink to the floor as she pulls away back in her chair.
I don’t blame her for looking as if she is about to take off any minute. “Yeah. Yeah, I killed him.” I take a deep breath as I add, “And I killed my brother and sister-in-law. That’s why I was in jail. I let them follow me on a chase with the police that ended up in them crashing their bikes while I made my escape.” I can feel my heart beat out of my chest with the sound of the monitor’s increasing beeps. Her silence says it all, and I’m forced to fill in the blanks. “I’m not a good person, Dani,” I continue, “and I never pretended to be. I’m no white knight in shining armor. And I certainly am not a saint. I’ve got a past that I’m always on the run from. And, now, I believe it’s catching up to me.”
“What are you going to do, then?” she asks gingerly, speaking slowly and deliberately.
“I’m going to get myself out of this hospital bed, head back to my club’s headquarters, and arrange for some protection for you first. I am going to do everything in my power to protect you. If I know Spark and Remmy, I know that when they find out I managed to survive their dumbass plot to blow me up, they’re going to go after the people I love next.”
“That you love?” Her face turns that soft pink I’ve seen so many times now. It’s the same look when I first touch her after a long kiss or when I say something that completely catches her off-guard. It’s the same flush she gets after we have sex. I have to practically will myself not to reach out and touch her skin to see if her temperature has risen.
A warmth runs through my body alongside the drugs. I’ve never told a woman I love her. Frankly, I’ve never had a woman to love. Dani is different. Dani is the person I can see my whole past disappearing with just a promise of a better future. If I am going to make this happen, I have to find a way to let her in as much as possible. Admitting how I am feeling is the first step. It is a big one, one I couldn’t exactly put into the right words right now. But it is going to have to be enough for right now.
I slowly reach my arm out to her and place a tired hand upon her bare knee. I look over the side of the pillow as I find her eyes. “Yeah. That I love. But I’m not going to let them get anywhere near you. I swear to you that.”
Dani looks down at my hand and then slowly opens it so my red and blistered palm faces up. She places her tiny hand in mine and tenderly squeezes just slightly. After a long second, she looks back up at me and asks, “How? What’s your plan? I mean, you can’t protect me forever. Are we just going to run away and hope he doesn’t find you again?”
Underneath my blanket, my free hand balls into the tightest fist I can make. The pain from my burns sears through my body as I try to focus in on the agony he has caused me and Dani. With a steady, firm voice, I tell her, “I’m going to kill Spark, Dani. And this time, I’m going to make sure the job is done right.”
Chapter 21
I can’t bear to look at him like this. But there he is, right in front of me. Ash, covered in bandages. Ash, covered in wires. Ash, covered in hate and revenge. Did he really say to me he is going to kill? More importantly, did he say he is going to kill…again? This isn’t right. I shouldn’t be here.
Still, I went in looking for the truth. What exactly had I been expecting? Hadn’t he been basically all but telling me this is who he is?
If I’m completely honest with myself, I knew all along the kind of man he is. He’d given me ample opportunity to ask -- I just never had -- or I never wanted to. I knew his story had been written on that leather jacket of his this whole time, but I was too blind by my lust to actually see it.
Lust…or love? Ash had completely surprised me with the confession that he may actually love me. It was the last thing I had thought I would hear out of a mouth like his. I frankly thought he was incapable of feeling any kind of emotion above the waist. It has been my experience that guys like him put up a wall around the whole “L” word. Relationships, too -- that wouldn’t fly in their world.
I sit back in the brown metal folding chair, letting everything he has said wash over me on repeat. If he’s still talking to me, I can’t hear him over the noise in my head. I just need a minute of silence to escape this, to process it, to figure out what I want to do next. I pull out my phone from my purse and look at the clock. It’s just about 3 PM. In a few hours, I have my firemen’s written and physical exam over at the central station. I should really be focusing in on that instead of worrying about what Ash meant when he said he got his brother and sister-in-law killed or that there isn�
��t just one person after him, but two.
I clear my throat as I quickly gather my stuff into my arms. Without looking back at him, I excuse myself from the room and walk out the door through the long hospital corridors till I find the single stall women’s bathroom. I lock it quickly behind me and turn on the faucet of the small sink. I watch myself in the mirror as I sprinkle some of the cool water onto my face and neck. My whole body has gone a kind of red and pink. Even my usually pale and even-toned skin is splotchy from all the emotions I’ve been holding in.
It’s okay, Dani. It’s going to be okay, I think to myself. Let’s start at the beginning. This guy Spark and the other one did this. Ash thinks he knows how he can catch him. Can you trust him? Yeah. He seems like he can get these things done since he did manage it last time. But what about the police? Shouldn’t they get involved? No. This was part of his life. He would never, ever agree to get the police involved. He wouldn’t even give them his real name when he checked into the hospital.
My brain continues to process it as I get to the trickiest question of all: Okay, but can you really fall in love with a killer? Can you love someone with blood on their hands, even if it is to protect you and get the revenge they deserve? Does it make him a monster? Does it make you a monster for not trying to stop him?
My heart is screaming out YES! to the last question. I’m a firefighter. My job is to save people’s lives no matter if they are good or evil, if they have killed or have been killed. I am supposed to get everyone out. I can’t go against that oath I will take when, or if, I pass my tests and graduate.
But then there is the question of love. I know this has been tossed around in my mind since the moment I first really saw him in that parking lot. There is something about him that keeps drawing me back to him. It isn’t just physical, though that really complicates the matter, but it is also just the want to know he is okay, that he’s safe.
After I had to watch him be rolled out onto that stretcher with no chance in hell of me helping him, I knew that whatever I am feeling towards him is beyond just an infatuation or a little crush on someone I shouldn’t have. I care about him. I can’t stand to see him lying in that hospital bed. I can’t stand to think of him in any bed but mine. And if that isn’t love, I am not sure what is.
I’m not ready, though. I am not ready to love someone with so much baggage in his life. I can’t let my guard down to that. These feelings have to stay bottled up just a bit longer until I know he can overcome the darkness inside of him. It will be hard to walk away from him, but it has to be done for both of our hearts.
With everything sorted out, at least in my mind, I will myself to go back to his room. He’s nearly asleep when I slip in, his darkened eyes growing heavy with each nod of his head to his chest. On his face is a clear oxygen mask hooked to a pump above him. It fogs up slightly with each of his deep breaths. He looks like a totally different person this way. He isn’t broken, but he’s vulnerable. His guards and ego are down, for once.
When he spots me from the corner of his tired eyes, he forces himself back awake and quickly removes the mask throwing it to the side of his bed. Under his breath, he mutters, “Goddamn nurses are forcing me to wear that fucking thing -- I don’t need it.”
The skin between my eyes wrinkles as I try my hardest not to laugh at his tough-guy routine. Instead, I bite my lip and take the mask and replace it back around his head. He protests slightly, shifting away from me as I wrap the green strap around the back of his head. But as the oxygen seeps in through his nose and mouth, he lets go and sinks back into his pillows.
I place my hand on his, gently touching the skin not covered in bandages. “Listen, Ash. I need to get going. I have my exam in a few hours. They’re expecting me there. I can’t miss it.” I know I’m rambling. I just don’t want him to say what I know he is going to say next.
“Why do I feel like this is you saying goodbye to me?” He looks up at the lights as his eyes flicker shut. I can tell he’s in pain, but I’m not exactly sure if it’s from the burns or the smoke in his lungs.
“I’m not saying goodbye. I’ll be back…” I pause, knowing I need to be truthful with him, “when this gets settled with you and that Sparky guy or whatever his name is. I’ve got a ton going on right now with trying to pass the exam and…”
“Tell me you love me.” His voice sounds so distant.
“What?”
Ash repeats himself, this time lifting his head slightly so he can hook on to my eyes. “Tell me you love me, Dani. If you don’t, I won’t believe you’re coming back.”
“I -- I --” I have absolutely no idea what to say here. My heart wants to scream it to him, to jump in bed beside him and lay my head on his chest so I can hear his heartbeat as I say those words again and again. But instead, I stare off at the monitor with the beeps and pings as my words stumble out of me clumsily, “Ash. I don’t -- I can’t -- I -- ...not right now.”
He pulls his hand away and places it upon his stomach. With the other, he presses a red button with a white hat symbol on it. He turns back to me and says, “Fine. Go. The nurses are coming to change my bandages pretty soon, anyway. You shouldn’t be here for that.”
“Ash-- I --” What could I say here? He made it clear that if I’m not going to say it here and now, I’m not going to get anything out of him. “I want to say it. I do. I want to say it, but I don’t know if I can get behind your…plan.”
He pushes up onto his elbows as he whispers sternly, “I’m going to kill the son of a bitch whether you want me to or not. If you think you playing hard to get is going to stop me, think again.”
“Ash, I’m not trying to--” I stop mid-sentence as a grey-haired nurse walks through the door without even so much as a knock.
She covers her hands in hand sanitizer before walking right past me and towards her patient.
“Well, well. I couldn’t believe it when I saw that alert. All my other patients press that button a million times a day, but you were my one hold out. So, what can I do for you, Mr. Carter?” She looks over at him and then back at me, no doubt sensing the tension in the room between us.
I grab my purse at the foot of the bed as I whisper to the two of them, “I’ll let you guys be. As, er, Anthony, I’ll call you. Okay?”
“Don’t bother.” He says as he lifts his arms towards the nurse, indicating the bandages need to be rewrapped. “Go pass your firefighting test.”
I nod at him and then head backwards towards the door, almost walking right into the woman from the other side of the curtain as I step into the hallway. She’s clenching a mountain’s worth of tissues in her hands, her eyes swollen and raw. She sniffles a bit as we both apologize frantically. “I’m sorry about that,” she says softly, “My head just isn’t here with my husband in that hospital bed. It’s so hard to see them in there, totally helpless, isn’t it?”
I look down at the ground, counting the seconds that pass before I can bring myself to say, “Yeah, it really is.” A wave of anxiety and guilt wash over me as I peer back through the door she goes through. I should be here, with Ash. But he wouldn’t have me even if I insisted.
Slowly, I turn and walk right out the corridor, through the elevator, down another escalator and towards the parking lot. As soon as I’m outside, I’m surprised at just how sunny it is. Every bit of me was breaking into pieces, but the day is as bright as ever. Birds are singing, people are smiling, and in the distance is the sound of ocean cresting over the rocky shores. Everything but me can move on. I am stuck back in that hospital room trying to find a way to say “I love you” to the person I want nothing more than to have.
My phone vibrates from inside my purse and I stop outside my car to answer it. It’s, of course, Jamie. I should have known when he said we were taking our exams at the same time that he would be non-stop calling to check in on me. On the way back to the station after the fire at Thunder Cliff was put out, he was a record on repeat as he reminded me about the importance of
not thinking about Ash and giving it my all on this damn test. Frankly, I wanted to punch him for even mentioning it then and there. But I kept that rage inside.
“What is it, Jamie?”
“Hey!” He answers so chipper, “I know this is a huge favor to ask of you, but if you haven’t left yet, could you come pick me up at my house on Lane and Fremont? My truck broke down and I’ve got no other way to get to Central to do the exams.”
A twenty-minute car ride with Jamie while he goes on and on about being a firefighter or, worse, about me being a firefighter? No way. My gut wants to hurl just considering it. But I have no reason to say no to him. I answer reluctantly, “Yeah, I can pick you up. Can you give me ten minutes or so? I gotta change and then head out.”
“Don’t forget to bring your--”
I hang up on him, cutting his reminder short. All he was going to say is to bring my helmet, but it’s been packed in my car since last night along with a gym bag full of my workout gear and sneakers. I had planned on changing in the hospital’s bathrooms after I had spoken to Ash, but I am running low on time now. I’d have to change in the car. Luckily, I parked in the back of the lot, far from where any other car can spot me.
