As it was, the whole area felt way too open. I recognized the old panic, the old feelings of vulnerability, and pushed them back down. That wasn’t me anymore. I wasn’t that girl anymore.
Tom paced the bank of the lake exasperated, his pale eyes desperate. “The only way I can think of to clear you is to find out who’s really behind this.”
“And to do that, you have to maintain your cover.”
Tom walked over and sat down on the bench. He took my hands.
“If my boss keeps thinking I don’t know they’re investigating you, that buys me time to work on Jason. I can find out who his supplier is, I know I can.”
“Meanwhile what am I supposed to do? I don’t have anywhere to go. If the DEA knows about us, they’ll look for me at your condo, right?”
“You being there would tip my hand, yeah. You can’t go back there.”
“I’m not crawling into a hole, Tom. I can’t hide forever. Either the DEA or Antonio will find me.”
“What do you think you’re going to do?”
I’d thought about this on the way, after Tom told me he suspected the hospital was involved.
“I’m going to the shelter. The clinic and the shelter had a lot of crossover paperwork. I dispensed drugs there to patients. I’ll bet their files will have something to point me to who is behind this.”
“How do you figure that?” Tom asked incredulous.
“I have records there, ones that weren’t burned up in the clinic fire. If someone was messing with my shipments, I might be able to track them through the files at the shelter.”
He chewed on his inner cheek, thinking. “I’ll go and get them.”
“How are you just going to saunter in there and go through locked file cabinets?” I shook my head. “I have a reason to be there if someone catches me.”
“No, it’s too dangerous.”
“Tom, I’m not asking you, I’m telling you what I’m going to do.”
“Ruby, no…”
“I have to do this.”
Tom let out a frustrated moan and stood up. He walked away, ran hands through his hair, and then stalked back. “I don’t want you to do this. I’m asking you not to.”
“I am not going to sit by and let whoever is behind this ruin my life any more than they already have!”
“It’s suicidal, Ruby. The danger is…is.”
“Nothing compared to what you do?” I offered.
Tom blew a breath out, fluttering the dark wave of hair on his forehead. “That’s not fair, Ruby.”
“Tom, I’ve lost my car, my home, my work, and probably my reputation.” I ticked off points. “I’m not cowering in the shadows, not anymore.”
“These people are trying to kill you,” he argued. “Please don’t do this.”
I answered with forced calm. “I won’t let them.”
Tom sounded on the edge of yelling; a new thing for him. “Ah, Ruby, why are you really doing this?”
It was my turn to snap. “You better stop, right now, Tom. Don’t bring anything else into this. I’m doing this to clear my name.” Leaping to my feet, fists balled, I choked back the anger rising in my throat. “I’m doing this because I promised not to let anyone push me around ever again! I’m not abandoning those kids, Tom. I’m not.”
“And who cares what happens to you, is that it?”
I stepped forward and poked him in the chest with my finger.
He looked down at me surprised.
“I’m not the one who makes a career out of doing stuff like this, remember? Besides, I’ve made up my mind and that’s that.”
“Oh, really?”
“Really,” I repeated.
“Will you at least hear me out before you go running off?”
I looked at him suspiciously, but nodded.
He gestured at the bench; I followed him and sat down. He sat and slouched in the corner, thinking.
I waited him out and watched the ducks waddle to the shoreline and then paddle in. Sun glinted off the water and the bright light made hypnotic shapes on the rippling surface. This would be a perfect place to picnic, if I wasn’t otherwise engaged in taking down dangerous drug trafficking rings. I heard him move and turned to face him. He looked tired, his face more thin than it should’ve been. He spoke slowly, deliberately.
“One of the things the DEA does is pay informers for information. I have some. I’m afraid that if you go to the shelter then someone will see you and turn you in.”
“That’s doubtful.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I know how this neighborhood works, Tom. I know how people, poor people who don’t trust the authorities, think. I was—am—one of them. And some of them would sell out their mothers for a soda, yeah, but I have a chance to stop this poison from getting to the kids on the street and to save what I’ve built. I’m going to take it. I don’t see anyone else reaching out to these kids. If I can’t get back what I lost…” I dropped my arms, deflated.
Tom slipped his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. His voice was soft. “Otherwise all you’ve lost, all you’ve been through, would be for nothing?”
I sniffed back tears. “Something like that.”
Tom leaned away from me, his eyes searching mine. “What happened to you, Ruby?”
“I don’t understand.”
“You seem…lost; like you’re swinging at anything that comes your way, whether or not you should be.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You seem like all of your hope is gone.”
Could it be that obvious? That I’d drifted so far from my faith…that it physically showed? Does hopelessness leave a mark? I was lost, and scared, and angry that everything I loved kept crashing down. Instead, I shrugged. “I’ve had a few bad days, Tom.”
He shook his head and his gaze bore into mine. “I noticed it that first night at the clinic, before any of this happened. You looked lost then, and you look terrified now; terrified and spitting mad.”
I looked at him and pursed my lips to keep them from trembling. He knew me so well at times I almost thought he could read my mind. I kept my voice calm when I answered him. “You only just came back, Tom. I would imagine I would seem different to you no matter what the circumstances,” I said quietly.
Tom looked away. “Yeah.”
“Tom, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just meant that you happened to walk into my life at exactly the moment it started unraveling. I’m going to seem off.”
Tom intertwined his fingers with mine, his jaw set. “You developed a habit of charging headlong into situations most people avoid.”
I looked at him, incredulous. “Well hello, Pot, my name is Kettle.”
“This isn’t new for me…it is for you. It’s like you’re trying to do all of this on your own power, only you’re running on empty.”
Looking out at the water, I thought about all I’d lost these past few days. Tom was right about one thing. I was terrified. Tilting my face up to the sky, I closed my eyes. Why in the midst of all that was happening, did I not have the nerve to reach out? There was a time I walked with confidence, regardless of the circumstance.
I opened my eyes, and held Tom’s gaze. “I lost a lot of things the day you left.”
Pain flashed across his face and he nodded sadly. “I’m sorry, Ruby.”
“I just don’t know how to get back to that place, Tom. I don’t believe like I did when I was just a girl.”
Holding me close, Tom stroked my hair and leaned his forehead against my temple. I felt his breath on my cheek.
“A wise person once told me that sometimes you have to believe in God’s promises despite what things look like at the moment,” he murmured.
I couldn’t stop the tears. Desperate longing washed over me. I missed what I had back then. The hope and confidence that came from not leaning on myself but on a mighty God. Aching for that peace…I was desperate to find it again.
“
We’re not doing this alone, Ruby. You told me that.”
I knew he meant what he was saying. Stomach fluttering, I recalled the Bible in his room. Could I talk to Tom about how I felt? Did he know about faith…or loss of faith? I could barely get my words out. “I’m so lost, Tom,” I said quietly, fighting to keep from sobbing. “I’ve been lost for so long that I don’t think I can find my way back.”
“I know, Ruby.” Tom held me close, his heart racing against my hand. “I’m sorry. We’ll figure this out, all of it, together.”
I wondered if Sheila had been right all along. Could people truly change? Had Tom found a faith strong enough to quell his self-destruction? Hope and doubt tangled together and I closed my eyes, desperate.
Help me find my way back. Help me know what to do.
25
Weeping willows swayed morosely in the wind, shedding dying leaves onto the murky pond. I listened to their rustling and thought I heard warnings whispered on the breeze. My nerves prickled with stress.
Tom threw a stone into the water, brooding. “Will you at least wait until I can go with you to the shelter?”
“When will that be?” I sat next to him, my hand in his. “You keep slipping away from where you’re supposed to be and either the bad guy or your boss will notice.”
“Bad guy.”
“I’m serious, Tom. You said yourself that the only way to prove I’m not involved is to stay undercover. I don’t want you to blow that just to go with me to grab some files.”
Tom brought my palm to his lips, kissing it. “I don’t like this, Ruby.”
His touch sent ripples through my stomach, and I closed my eyes. I wasn’t going to win this fight against falling for him again.
He sat up suddenly. “I have an idea.”
“What?”
“I have a gun, a throwaway. I want you to take it with you to the shelter. Just in case.”
I put my hands up. “I’ve seen what accidental gunshot wounds can do in the ER, Tom. I don’t want it.”
“Just don’t point it at your head or anything.”
“No.”
“Ruby, I’m terrified for you. Please do this for me.”
The anxiety in his eyes convinced me to humor him. “Fine.”
“Come with me.” Tom stood. Grabbing my hand, we walked to his car. He drove down the street.
“Where is this thing?”
“It’s at my crash pad near the hospital.”
“Your crash pad?”
“I use a run-down apartment while I’m working under this identity. It’s where they think I live. But like I said before, my condo, where I had you stay over, is only known to my bosses at the DEA and…well you know about it too, now.”
“I know what a crash pad is, Tom. I just didn’t expect you to show it to me.” I reached into my purse, wrote the new cell number down and handed it to Tom. “That’s my new phone.”
“Are you sure you won’t change your mind and wait for me? Those files will still be at the clinic tomorrow.”
“We don’t know that. Besides, I want you finding out what you can from that Jason guy. The sooner we prove I’m not a drug dealer, the better.”
“Well, please call me a soon as you’re done. I don’t want you too…” He stopped talking abruptly and frowned. “I’m going to drop you off here,” He said hurriedly. “Go back to the bench; the bench by the pond where we just were, OK?”
“What? Why?”
“I swear she has the worst timing in the world!”
“Tom, what is going on?”
I followed his gaze and then my heart jumped in my chest.
Leaning against the railing of one of the apartments just ahead was the blonde from the dance club and an older man, possibly her brother. They hadn’t seen us yet.
“I’m so sorry, Ruby, but if I want to keep my cover together I can’t let them see you. I-I’m so sorry about this.”
“That’s OK, Tom. I’ll go back to the bench.”
Tom slowed the car down and pulled next to a row of unkempt hedges near a couple of dumpsters. I slipped out of the car and let the door close quietly behind me. He drove away. I squatted next to the filthy, smelly metal and wiped sweat from my brow.
I waited until Tom and the blonde went into his apartment before skulking away.
Almost a half hour later, I made it back to the pond. I sat on the wood seat, tired and angry. The sun, almost midway up in the sky, beat down. I’d missed my shift at the ER, been told that the DEA and drug dealers were looking for me, and then been dumped by some dumpsters for another woman. My day couldn’t get any worse.
My phone buzzed in my purse and I looked at the text on the screen. Tom.
Stay on the bench. You don’t know me.
I could play it as cool as the next guy. Still, it was hard to keep from swiveling my head. I heard his voice, followed by a high tinkling laugh. I kept my eyes on the water. He’d brought the blonde. I took a book out of my purse and pretended to read as I heard them approach.
The blonde spoke up again. “Are you serious? That is so funny. When did you realize what happened?”
“Only about five seconds after the guy walked up to us,” Tom said with a pompous sneer. He sounded like a different person. He moved differently, like an arrogant playboy.
“I have to tell my brother that one,” the blonde breathed.
She looked up at Tom adoringly. I felt my stomach flop. I looked around, but couldn’t spot the older man. I wondered if he was watching Tom and his sister.
Tom and the blonde wandered over to the edge of the pond a few yards to my right. He had his arm around her and she snuggled against him all smiles.
“So, this is a romantic spot,” she purred and faced him, her lips pulled into a pouty grin.
Tom smiled and wrapped his arms around her. I flipped a page in my book so hard it ripped off in my hands.
She ran her hands along his biceps and bobbed her eyebrows.
I got up to leave and suddenly remembered the note to stay put. I sat back down and coughed angrily. I noticed a change in her tone of voice.
“I’m so sorry, Tom,” the blonde said nervously. “He just showed up right after I knocked on your door. I think he followed me.”
Tom rubbed her back reassuringly. “He just wants to confirm we’re together, Mia. We’ll give him a show and he’ll drop it.”
I tried to keep my eyes on the ducks pecking at popcorn on the grass. I heard Tom mumble something else and then she tensed. I glanced in the direction of her gaze and spotted the brother. About fifty yards off, he stood talking to a guy in combat boots and jeans. The guy’s T-shirt had a huge smiley face on it with a bullet hole drawn onto the forehead. I shuddered. An upstanding member of the chamber of commerce, no doubt.
“What do we do?” Mia asked.
“Nothing. We’re supposed to be into each other, not scoping out the surroundings,” Tom said under his breath.
He glanced behind them, right at me, and it was like he didn’t see me at all.
“I can’t do this,” Mia pled.
“Just relax,” Tom said and then his eyes went vacant. He leaned forward and kissed her like they were in a Hollywood movie.
I dug my nails into my palms.
“One more of those and you’ll have me believing we’re together,” Mia breathed.
I shot off the bench and walked closer to the pond.
A sudden coughing fit pulled my attention back to Tom and Mia. She patted his back, concerned. They walked, towards the brother. Tom slipped something out of his back pocket. He dropped the object from his palm to the grass where they’d been. I stood frozen, my eyes on the object.
I almost walked the other way, but curiosity got the better of me. I glanced around, and then pretended to drop my book. A small pistol lay in the grass. I scooped it up. I didn’t know what to do, so I went back to the bench and sat down.
I blinked back the tears. I didn’t think I could take much more ex
posure to Tom’s career.
Flipping the tiny .22 caliber into my purse, I thought about Antonio’s hands around my throat. My stomach clenched with apprehension. Maybe having this wasn’t such a bad idea. I remembered the hatred in his eyes and wondered…how long before he tried to kill me again?
26
I decided to walk to the shelter from the park. I wasn’t stranded while Tom went off to make-out with Mia. I was just getting a good work-out. I wasn’t buying my own lie.
My phone chirped, and I stopped walking to dig it out. It was Ben.
“Hey, Ben. What’s up?”
“Hi, Ruby, are you busy?”
He sounded out of breath, nervous.
“Uh, no, I’m not busy.” I looked down at my sneakers. “Just out for a walk.”
“Oh, uh can you meet with me? I have…can we talk, soon?”
“What’s this about, Ben? Is everything OK?”
“I’d rather talk to you in person, Ruby.”
I looked around. I didn’t see any restaurants or cafés.
“Well, can you pick me up, then?”
“Yeah, where are you?”
I gave him the cross streets and hung up. A block down, I spied an empty bus bench under a metal screen overhang. I decided to wait there. My phone rang and thinking it was Ben, I answered.
“I’m at the bus bench,” I said.
“What bus bench?” Tom’s answer startled me.
Remembering his display with Mia at the pond, I ground my jaw and tried to remember that he was just doing his job. It didn’t work. “What do you want, Tom?”
“You aren’t mad, are you?” He sounded surprised.
“No, Tom. I like seeing your kissing technique demonstrated on women who aren’t me!”
“She’s a criminal, Ruby. Her brother followed when she came to my apartment. He’s getting suspicious, so we had to go with it.”
“I saw that.”
“Where are you, Ruby? I can come and get you.”
I shook my head even though Tom wasn’t there to see it. “Don’t bother. I’ve got a ride on the way.”
“Ruby, I’m sorry about this afternoon. I’m sorry I had to kick you out of the car…”
Ruby Dawn Page 17
