by Valia Lind
"I'm not going to let the other you win, Tasia. Not this time."
She moans from her position, as I crouch down beside her. I hear a noise behind me and I know Calen and Freddie are at the door, but I don't turn away.
"They won't let me through," she whispers, moving her head side to side, her eyes that foggy far away gaze that scares me so much. I don't know where she goes when she gets like that. I'm always afraid that she won't come back from there.
"Who won't let you through?" I ask.
"The butterflies. Always the butterflies. I'm planted in the field and I can't get through." With that, she passes out, her body going limp. Freddie and Calen are by her side instantly, reaching for her mangled wrists.
"Logan," Freddie begins, but I shake my head.
"I need to go clean up," I state, glancing down at my bloodied clothes. Whatever they want to say, they can't make me feel worse about this than I already do. Once again, I had to hurt her and I'm not sure how long I can keep this up. But in the same moment, I know they aren't strong enough to do this. I'm the only one who can. I just hope and pray with all my heart that I am actually getting through to her.
I have to.
13.
LOGAN
Staring at my hands, covered in her blood, it feels like a physical weight is plastered to my skin. I turn the faucet on, running my fingers under the stream of water, wishing I could wash away the last few months as quickly as the blood dissolves in the water. I can't tell anymore if anything I'm doing is actually helping.
When I first started on this mission, I never imagined it bringing me back to Tasia. I most certainly never imagined falling in love. But now, everything is unraveling and she's lost to me and it seems there's nothing I can do.
My palm slams against the wall by the mirror, the pain vibrating all the way up my arm. I need answers, I need progress, I need something beside this monotonous every day treading of water, because that's all I feel like I'm doing right now. I'm also becoming repetitive and melancholy.
A knock on the bathroom door snaps my attention back to the the task at hand. I grab a bar of soap, running it over my skin, before calling out to whoever is on the other side.
"Come in."
I hear the door open and I look up to the mirror to find Calen leaning against the frame, arms crossed in front of him. He's watching me in the same way Freddie does sometimes, that scientific study that makes my skin curl.
"Spit it out, man." I snap, when he continues to stare me down. Whatever he might say, it's not any worse than what I'm already feeling.
"I think you're making progress."
His quiet words take me by surprise, because it's definitely not what I expected. Shutting off the water, I reach for a towel before turning to face him.
"Is that a statement of belief or actual proof?" I ask, while drying my hands. I'll also need to change my shirt, as it's covered in blood spatter. But at least I don't have her blood on my hands anymore. At least, for now.
"Both." Calen replies, stepping aside as I walk past him to where I left my duffle. His words give me a glimmer of encouragement, but I'm not about to dwell on it. We're nowhere near where we need to be right now.
"How can you be sure?" I ask, searching through my bag for a different shirt.
"Because we're seeing more and more of her."
"When she's bleeding and almost trying to kill me, you mean?" Maybe I sound a bit more bitter than I thought I would, but oh well.
"Freddie has been monitoring her vitals," Calen says, choosing to ignore my snappy attitude. "Her levels spike any time she's around you, but not only that, her sessions with you generate enough adrenaline to push the drug out."
"Sessions. That's a nice way of putting it."
"Logan, come on, mate. You can't get all gloom and doom now. You were right that you're the only person who can get to her this way and scientifically, it seems to be working."
"I just have to bring her, and myself, closer to death, that's all."
Yes, the discouragement is strong in me right now and I can't seem to shake it off. Being both mentally and physically exhausted is one thing, but I'm also battling the exhaustion of the heart and I'm not sure a person is created to handle all three of those at the same time.
"You're doing what we can't," Freddie's voice comes from behind me and I didn't even hear him move into the hallway. Ripping the shirt over my head, I put on the clean one on before turning to face him.
"It doesn't make me feel any better," I confess.
"It's not supposed to make you feel better. It's supposed to help you see that what you're doing is not in vain. You deal with your own feelings as you see fit."
I stand up a bit straighter at his words. If the general was half the father Freddie has been to me, I believe he would've said something like this at one point. It's not about feelings, it's not about being selfish. I'm doing this for her. Nothing else should matter. I nod my head at Freddie, and I see his shoulders relax just a tad.
"I've sedated her again. But I think we should push through with it today. We can't let her rest for long and replenish herself too much. The sedative should wear out in the next thirty minutes, probably sooner with her immune system. Are you up to it, to go again?"
"Yes." This time I don't even hesitate with the answer. If they believe we're close to a breakthrough, then it must be true. Nothing else will matter until we get her back.
"Good. Then come see what we found."
* * *
Freddie settles in front of his computer, while Calen walks to the kitchen to get me something to eat. Catching the water bottle he throws my way, I thank him and take a seat beside Freddie.
"As you know, we took the x-ray of her body before you went in there the first time. After the last few sessions, I've taken other x-rays and I now believe that we have isolated the place the capsules of this drug may be positioned."
I lean closer as Freddie pulls up a series of pictures.
"See here," he highlights an area around her ninth rib on the right side. "At first I thought those were just bone fractures from when she broke her ribs. Blake didn't have any of these kind of injuries for them to use, but Tasia has plenty." My heart thuds at his words, knowing that I was responsible for a few breaks in the past.
"I've been making comparisons, to see if I can find a good location and this one has been the best I could find. I believe they imbedded the capsules into the fractures, using them as a smoke screen, to hide it from discovery."
I sit back in my chair, as Calen places a plate with waffles in front of me. My eyes are so focused on the screen in front of me, I don't even realize they say my name.
"Eat, Logan. You need to." Freddie says, as I look up just in time to grab the fork Calen is offering me. He pulls up a chair next to us and sits down. They look just about as tired as I feel and I briefly wonder if this will ever end. And if it does, which one of us will be left standing.
I take a bite of my food, if only to appease Freddie. I haven't really been hungry in days, but it's not like I can really run on nothing. Freddie and Calen both watch me as I take another bite, before speaking up again.
"There's a slight possibility that I might be able to remove it--"
"WHAT?" I almost choke on my waffle. We talked about this before and we always knew it was way too risky. Even if we knew where the drug was stored.
"It's a possibility, Logan. But a very small one. If something goes wrong, Tasia will die." Freddie pauses, letting that sink in. Whatever appetite I may have worked up, just left the building. I'm having a very difficult time wrapping my mind around this.
"You said it wasn't even an option."
"It's not really an option."
"So what exactly are you saying then?" I ask after a tense moment of silence.
"I'm saying that you're making progress and if we can save Tasia without more necessary risk, that's what we'll do. But we now have a last resort."
"The necessary
risk of torture is good enough?" I spit out, the bitterness directed more at me than anyone else. They don't answer, because they know this is just me working through my own issues.
"Don't give up," Freddie states, after a long pause, watching me closely. I nod, but the dread I feel at the thought of going back in there is intensified by the second. I have no choice, but I want all the choices in the world. If only I could chose the one that takes all of us far away from this.
There's movement on the screen beside me and I see Tasia starting to wake up from her hour nap. Maybe we should wait till tomorrow, it would give me time to rest, but we can't take that luxury. Not that I would rest anyway. Getting up, I don't say anything to the men in the room as I leave.
"Hello, Tasia," I say, keeping my gaze on the back wall. Looking at her after what happened barely two hours ago is more difficult than I anticipated. I don't want to see the damage my hands have inflicted.
"Logan," she surprises me by actually answering and my eyes fly to her. The bruises on her face are like shining beacons against her fair skin. She lost much of the color since being locked up. But there's a softness to her eyes that I haven't seen in months and it squeezes at my heart.
"How are you?" I ask, my voice catching at the back of my throat. Clearing it, I take a step forward, as she continues to watch me steadily. A part of me wants to be extra cautious, but it's difficult while seeing her more like herself. However, I can't get over the fact that it may just be part of her plan. I must tread carefully, I can't take any chances. Now, if I can just do so without needing to remind myself every three seconds, that would be great.
"In pain," she replies, sighing. That one sound pierces my heart like an arrow. "And so tired." She continues, as I take another step forward. There's something in her expression that calls to me and I can't bring myself to ignore the call.
Stopping by her side, I study her glazed over eyes, as she stares right back at me.
"I keep seeing butterflies," her voice comes out softly, as if she's afraid of the words she's speaking.
"Butterflies?" I ask, leaning in closer. Maybe it's a stupid move on my part, but I can't help it.
"There are so many. I can't get through the wall."
"Princess, you're not making any sense. Talk to me."
"They're everywhere. Pushing. Beating at me with their wings. I can't..."
"Tasia..."
"NO!" her sudden scream sends me stumbling back. Her body begins to thrash, the urgency in her voice getting higher and higher.
"Tasia!" I move toward her, but Calen is there, pulling me away.
"What are you doing?" I scream, as Tasia continues to lose control right in front of my eyes. She's moving with an intensity I haven't seen before. There's something almost otherworldly about the way she twists her body. Sweat and tears get mingled on her face, her clothes drenched from the effort.
"Logan, come on!"
I continue to fight Calen, but being on the brink of exhaustion, I'm not as strong as usual. His yank throws me off balance and I land on my butt. The panic is overwhelming and I try to remember to breathe. Then, he's in my face.
"You have to let her do this. Uncle said so."
His voice resonates in my mind and I push to my feet, racing out of the room.
"What did you do?" I bellow, stoping just short of running into the table.
"Nothing," Freddie turns to me calmly. I keep my attention on him and not on the screen over his left shoulder. Calen closed the door behind us, since I can't hear the screams. But I can still hear the screams inside my head.
"What do you mean? What's happening?"
"I think you triggered a reaction. She's fighting for control. You need to let her fight."
"No," I turn on my heels, but Calen is already there. "I don't want to hurt you, but I will."
My voice comes out hard and there's no mistaking I'd follow through.
"I don't doubt it," Calen replies, as calm as Freddie and that makes me ten times angrier.
"How can you just stand there?" I yell, turning on them. "She's going to hurt herself. Way worse than anything I could've done."
"You got her here. That's what I was trying to tell you earlier. There are areas in the reading that are showing me the progress. Now you need to let it play out."
"I can't," I move toward the door, as Calen steps in front of me again. "I can't leave her alone. Don't ask that of me."
Calen looks over at Freddie, as the older man studies me carefully. I'm not sure what he sees in my face, but he lets me pass, so I race back to Tasia's room, following her screams.
14.
Fire is all around you. It licks up your skin, it overwhelms your present world.
You don't understand where it came from. Your skin burns with intensity that you've never experienced before. The smell of your burnt flesh overpowers your senses, as you thrash against the pain.
You hear his voice, calling to you from the darkness. He's so close and then he is not. You see yourself mirrored in the pain. You and the pain are one.
The butterflies come, swarming you in a way that causes your mind to panic. They've always been there, from the beginning. You don't know where they came from or why they are here, but they keep you a prisoner and you can't escape.
You try to remember all the things that made you who you are. You try to listen to the voice that keeps coming back. The voice that gives you comfort and the one who won't let you go. The fire is a tangible thing around you now and so are the butterflies. They land on you, intensifying the pain of the flames, and the screams no longer sound your own.
You try to remember the names that kept you grounded. The names of the people who have helped you save yourself.
They're close.
He's so close.
LOGAN
I sit with her for hours that feel like days.
Her body is spent, the screaming and the fighting against the restraints have exhausted her enough that she finally sleeps. Freddie and Calen doctor her open wounds, while I stay on the floor, watching them.
Nothing that's been happening lately is making any sense. We're getting nowhere with Foster and his boss, whoever that is. We have no information to help us discover their master plan. The general is breathing down my neck, the threat of death always present. And Tasia, my beautiful broken Tasia, spends her days locked up in this hole in the wall, strapped to a chair.
How is this my life?
I've been asking myself this question over and over for months now. Never have I imagined myself this contemplative. But when you have all this time to think, you actually start to do so.
Calen and Freddie leave without a word, after they finish cleaning up Tasia. I don't comment and they don't speak. It's better this way. What else is there left to say?
As the time passes, I don't move from my spot on the floor and Tasia doesn't wake. Calen comes back with a sandwich and a sleeping bag, but once again, he doesn't speak. Leaving both of the items beside me, he leaves, shutting the door quietly behind him.
We have days left until the next fundraising event. Days to prepare for whatever the general will do. For whatever Foster is planning. But I can't bring myself to focus on any of that. I just see her, lost somewhere where I can't reach her and I feel spent. Closing my eyes, I pray for deliverance.
"Logan?"
I hear her voice, through the fog of my dream, and at first, I think it's part of it. I don't remember falling asleep, but the exhaustion must have finally caught up with me. Dreaming about her is all I've done. But when the soft whisper comes again, the gentle urging of her voice, my eyes snap open.
"Princess?" I call to the darkness, rising myself from my spot on the floor. I knew I couldn't leave her, not after she tossed and turned all day. But at least she didn't fight anymore. Her demons were inner demons, but I wanted to be as close as I could. Sleeping in the same room as her actually provided some sort of comfort. Even with her making pain-filled noises in her sleep,
as she's done all day.
"Logan, it's too strong," she mumbles and I'm on my feet. Hurrying over to her side, I find her eyes closed, her face full of pain.
"You're stronger," I state, reaching for her hand. At the small contact, her body tenses, her eyes snapping open. The glazed look of pain is still there, but I can almost see inside of her and past this chemical barrier.
"I can't fight them. There are so many."
Squeezing her hand, her fingers clutch onto mine, as if she's drawing on the strength within me. At that moment, I wish I could give her all I have.
"What are you fighting?" I ask, because I want to keep her talking.
"Butterflies," she whispers so softly, I almost don't hear her. She has mentioned them before. In fact, every time we feel like there's a breakthrough, they come up. There's no reason for her to be so focused on them, unless it's something from her past that we don't know about. It's as confusing to Freddie as it is to me.
"What are they doing?"
"They won't let me pass through the fire."
She's not making much sense, which is expected. The delirium from the withdrawal is the only thing we've actually planned for. But maybe if she says it out loud, it'll help.
"Tell me what you see," I encourage her, placing my other hand on her skin, right above her wrist. I want to ground her in this moment, in the here and now, guiding her back to me.
"There's a fire, all round me," she mumbles, closing her eyes again. "I'm in a field or a room or somewhere in between. And the butterflies are always there. Always watching."
It seems that the words have taken all of her strength, as she exhales into silence. Her hand is still wrapped tightly around mine, so I hold on. I'll hold on until the end of the world if it means I can bring her back. I'll do anything to save her.
Tasia's breathing settles once again, and I know she went back to sleep. Standing by her side, I watch as her face relaxes into that vulnerability I've come to know and love.
