by Valia Lind
My whole body flares hot at his words. The rage burns intensely, making its way through my veins. Closing my eyes, for just a second, I take a deep calming breath. If I lose it now, I'll be proving them right. There's no way I'm giving them that.
"So you just expect me to know nothing?" I ask, my voice sounding a bit better than before. I'll take any progress I can get.
"Logan is leaving for some recon tomorrow, but it would be best for you to sit this one out."
My eyes fly over to Logan, who is doing his best to stop starring at me. But I can feel his eyes move over every inch, as if he's trying to reassure himself that I am real.
"You agree with this?" I ask, directing my attention to him.
"Yes," he replies, without hesitation. There's enough fire in his eyes to fuel a city for days, but there's also an uncertainty there that I can't ignore. He doesn't trust me. Plain and simple.
I don't trust myself either, so at least the feeling is mutual.
Not exactly sure how I'll ever be able to get past this, considering I didn't turn out to be strong enough to keep my mind safe. Instead of being on the battlefield, I am now no more than just another pawn. To prove that I am more - to them and to myself - I'll have to be stronger. I have to be who Logan believed I am, when he tried to get me to break through.
"Okay," no one expected me to agree and I keep the smile from escaping, before continuing, "Well in that case, we should try to get the drug out of my body."
17.
TASIA
Well, that idea isn't going as smoothly as I hoped. Giving them the permission to dig into my body, I'm hoping it bridges some of the distance between us. So far, only Uncle Freddie seems to be taking things in stride. Years of practice concerning me, I guess.
"This seems impossible," Calen says, once again, as they study the x-rays. According to them, the vials have shifted again, digging deeper under my ribs. There isn't an easy way to go about this.
"You'll have to cut me open," I say, keeping my voice low, as not to betray the shiver that runs up my spine.
"Absolutely not!" Logan half shouts, pinning me with his eyes. "We are not gutting you like a fish."
"Okay, graphic and unnecessary." I roll my eyes, turning to Uncle Freddie. I don't quite know how to deal with Logan at the moment. We haven't had any alone time since he woke up and I'm thinking it's for the best. I'm not sure he can even stand being alone with me right now. Not with the way he's acting. "Do you have the necessary equipment?"
"I think so, but it's not as if we do this every day, Hummingbird. It'll be too risky."
"I know all of you are trying to protect me, but you have to stop. I'm not going to break."
"What if that's exactly what you're going to do?"
I twist around, zeroing in on Logan and his softly spoken words. I'm not sure if he meant for us to hear them, but there they are. It would be a lie to say that him seeing me as breakable doesn't hurt. But I have to remind myself that's exactly what I've been and it must be difficult to get that image out of his head.
"Logan," I address him directly, because he's the one I need to get through to the most. I need him on my side. Desperately. "The best way to make sure I don't lose myself again is to get this drug out of me. If we don't do it before tomorrow, or today, at noon," I say, glancing at the clock on the computer. "I may revert to the training."
"So the vials are on a schedule," Calen mumbles and I nod. Foster is trying out a new system of delivery and I, of course, was the best test subject he had. Especially once I started reacting to the brainwashing.
"It's on a pattern. Every two days, it's hourly. The rest of the time it's every four hours. We do this now and then we rest. I'll be safer."
There's a plea in my voice that Logan cannot ignore. I see the way it's affecting him just by the set of his shoulders. His care for me is still something I can't wrap my mind around. Especially not since my emotions have always been out of whack. There will be a time to deal with all of this, but it's not right now. We're running out of options.
"How are we supposed to cut you open without seriously injuring you? None of us are doctors."
"Well," Calen begins, and I have to smile. "Some of us have had experience?"
"Are you telling me or asking me?" Logan grumbles, glaring daggers at Calen. The other guy shrugs, a sheepish smile on his face. Not many know this, but Calen has a lot of random training up his sleeve.
"Besides dressing your cuts, I haven't had much practice lately." Calen says to me, the smile leaving as fast as it came.
"But I trust you," I reply, meaning every word.
That's what's so different about me now. I do trust people and I do invite them in. I almost sigh out loud that the drug hasn't taken that new revelation about my character away. It's one aspect of my personality I will fight tooth and nail for.
"Then, let's do this," Calen says, accepting my words at face value. No matter how unhappy Logan is with the current situation, this must be done. I refuse to fall under Foster's control. Ever again.
"The x-rays can provide us with guidance, but once we're in, there's not much to do but to find it ourselves." Uncle Freddie states, watching me carefully.
"I know, I understand the risks." I reply.
They don't wait for me to say anything else, but move to get things ready. I stare at the x-ray in front of me, something nagging at the back of my mind, when I feel Logan beside me.
"You don't have to do this," he whispers, and all my self control almost crumbles at his soft words. This is my Logan. The tough soldier with the heart of gold. I would give anything to have him hold me close, but I know he's not ready for that. Holding me earlier came more from shock than anything else, I think.
"I don't," I reply, just as softly. "But I also do. As much as that makes sense. I'm not putting any of you at risk by reverting back to my terrible brainwashed self."
We fall quiet for a second, as we both think back to all that I've done while under the influence.
"You remember everything?" Logan finally asks.
"Bits and pieces right now, but they're coming back. It's almost like two halves merging. I'll have it all soon, I think."
"What then?"
"Then, you let me finish what I started, I hope." I say, turning to face him. He's already looking at me. "I know you don't trust me. No," I raise my hand to ward off his ready-made protest. "It's okay. I wouldn't trust me either. I broke through the wall and came to my senses fast. Maybe too fast. Don't think I don't wonder if this is part of a plan."
"Do you think it may be?" Logan asks, and I know that's exactly what he's been wondering.
"Maybe. I don't know. But I know that I need to get this drug out of me." I take a step closer and am pleased that he doesn't move back. "I can feel it, Logan. I can feel it fighting for dominance and I can't lose myself. Not again."
He's the one to reach out this time, bringing his hand over my own, where it rests on the table.
"Then we make sure it doesn't happen."
* * *
Laying flat on my stomach, I try to keep my body from shaking.
After everything I've been through, one would think I'd be used to this kind of a treatment. It's not as if my body hasn't been experimented on continuously. However, surrounded by my family, I feel the kind of apprehension I haven't felt before. Maybe I'm just trying to shield them from what they have to do. I'm not sure why I'm so emotional about any of it. It's as if my levels are still out of whack and I'm hoping they reset soon. I would like my strength back. Feelings will not solve any problems for me. I'll have time for that afterwards. If I survive.
"I'll inject you with a numbing solution and it'll take about thirty seconds for it to spread. This should help with the bleeding, as well as the pain." Uncle Freddie says, over my right shoulder. While he's the one who seems to be in control of his emotions the most, I can hear the slight tremor to his voice. He doesn't like this any more than the rest of us do.
; "Please don't worry," I say to the room in general. "I trust you."
It might be kind of ridiculous that I do. It's not as if they've done this before. But I can't stop myself from doing so. They will keep me safe. They will do whatever it takes.
"I'm worried because the vials are moving closer and closer to the seventh rib and the moment they past from the false ribs, we're in real trouble," Calen says, looking down at me.
"What do you mean?" Logan asks, even though I'm pretty sure I rather not know.
"The ribs are separated into two groups: true and false ribs. The true ribs are the ones attached to the sternum, and where the lungs reside. The false ribs are not attached to the sternum. The vials are now between the eighth and ninth ribs, but moving north. The moment they enter the true ribs territory, it becomes 100 times more dangerous to cut. Damaging the ribs or cutting too close to the lungs may pierce them. That's not a risk I'm willing to take."
His voice sounds true and I don't doubt his knowledge. But like he said, we don't have a choice. We wait any longer and I'm in trouble either way. I try to keep my body from reacting to the danger, and it's taking all of my concentration, so I miss Logan asking me a question.
He kneels down so he's leveled with me, his face full of concern. "You sure about this?" he asks again.
"I am," I reply without a second thought, even though I'm faking the confidence. I at least need him to believe. Maybe if I fake it enough, I'll start to believe it too. He studies me for a moment longer, before reaching out and taking my hand in his. The contact is all the strength I need and I smile.
"I'll be here the whole time." Logan says, squeezing my hand carefully. Taking a deep breath, I still myself against what needs to be done.
"Let's do this."
Calen doesn't wait for me to second guess any longer. I feel him move behind me and a cool sensation runs over my skin as he disinfects my back. The smell of alcohol fills the air and my already chilled skin covers in goosebumps. I feel a small pinch as he inserts the needle into my side, the numbing medicine entering my bloodstream.
"How long?" Logan asks, as the room grows quiet again.
"No more than a minute till full effect," Uncle Freddie answers. Waiting for it to make it's way through my bloodstream feels like forever. The quiet in the room is getting on my nerves.
"Can you feel this?" Calen asks, and the only thing I can feel is his breath on my cheek as he leans over me. I focus on whatever he's asking of me and realize that I can't move my back at all.
"No."
That's all he needs to hear before him and Freddie get down to work. Logan stays by my side, keeping his hand wrapped tightly around mine and I focus on the feeling of him beside me. Hearing the ding of the medical tools hitting each other in the otherwise quiet room is beyond unnerving.
"Logan," I whisper, focusing on my words instead of on what's happening right over my shoulder. "Talk to me. Tell me a story."
He smiles, knowing exactly what I'm doing. I need the distraction. But more so, I need his voice to keep me calm.
"Have you ever heard the story of the wolf who got lost in the woods?"
I stifle a laugh at the incredibly random question. "How is that even possible?"
"Well, he's a very modern wolf. He was born on the edge of the forest, but never liked it there. So he left his pack behind and decided to go live in the city, while they moved on deeper into the forest. Of course, it didn't go as well as he hoped. He liked the food, humans throw away a lot of food, but no one liked him. Everyone was afraid of the strange animal that came around. So after a while, he decided to go back and see if his pack would take him back. After much contemplation, because wolves are great at contemplating, he left the city limits behind and made his way into the woods. Only he didn't know which way he was going. After all, he was used to the smell of the city and the forest smelled entirely new and different."
I think Calen and Uncle Freddie slice my skin again, but I can't feel anything beyond the movement of the air around me. When the blood begins to drip into the pan placed under me, I focus even more on Logan's story. His voice grows slightly louder, as if he hears it too.
"The wolf walked for what seems like days. Searching for any sign of familiarity. And food. The hunger was something he wasn't used to and it wasn't something he prepared for. Then, one day, he decided to give up. He laid down by the tree, curling in on himself and thought that this was it. As he lay there, dreaming of a life he could've had with his brothers and sister, a fox came up beside him."
The machine beeps louder beside me and a part of me wants to know what's going on, but I won't ask. My heart rate speeds up and as much as I'd like to control it, I can't. Gripping Logan's hand harder, I will my body to remain still and listen.
"She stopped when she saw him laying all pathetic like and after they stared at each other for a while, decided to come closer. 'Why are you laying there?' she asked. 'Because I gave up on finding my pack. Leave me alone and let me die in piece.' The wolf replied. The fox continued to watch him, moving from one side to the other, trying to figure out a way to get him out of his funk. For the fox was a nice fox and hated to see animals suffer. Finally, unable to stand it any longer, the fox jumped right on top of the wolf, making him yelp in rage.
'What kind of a crazy thing are you?' the wolf exclaimed, outraged. 'I'm a fox, silly. And you're a wolf. So start acting like it!' With that, the fox trotted off into the woods, leaving the wolf alone. The wolf stared at where the fox went for a long time. How dare this little create disrespect him like that? And then after a full minute, he got up from the ground, shaking his fur free. 'I am a wolf,' he said out loud, standing taller by the second. 'I am.' And then, without even realizing what he was doing, he howled. And his pack answered him back."
My eyes are closed now, solely focused Logan's words, but as his story ends, I open them to find him watching me.
"Do you know what the moral of the story is?" he asks me, softly.
"That the wolf was never alone. He just needed to realize who he was and ask for help." I whisper, keeping my eyes on him. I know what he did, why he told the story the way he did. He wants me to remember that even though I'm the wolf in the story, I don't have to be alone. It's as if I'm that transparent. He knows I want to leave them behind and go fight my war alone, even before I do. But he won't let me. Neither will the rest of my family.
I don't ever have to be the lone wolf of my story. I have my pack watching my back.
18.
TASIA
"Logan," Uncle Freddie's voice comes from behind me. "Can you come here please?"
His voice sounds weird, as if he's trying to keep it from sounding strained. Logan flashes me an easy smile, before getting to his feet. He's still holding my hand and I feel the moment something in his changes.
"What's going on?" I ask, keeping my voice light. Even with the risks, I was hoping for something to go our way for once. There's a moment of silence, as if they're contemplating what exactly to say.
"The vial has moved a lot further past the eighth rib than we first thought," Logan's voice comes from somewhere behind me. My body tenses at the news, every terrible outcome running through my mind. I picture the worse, because lately, my life has been the epicenter of the worst. And apparently, I'm getting melodramatic again.
"Breathe, Tasia," Logan is suddenly kneeling in front of me, his hand on my arm. I didn't even realize I wasn't breathing, until he says something. Inhaling, I focus on his face in front of mine and let the tension leave my body.
"I'm okay," I finally manage, the panic attack subsiding as fast as it came. If this is how I'm going to react to everything, we may have a huge problem. "I want you to keep going."
"Tasia..." Calen starts, but I won't let him finish. If I'm to get back to being the strong decisive me, without the drugs, I need to take charge here. I've felt different since the moment I woke up, but I can't be so different that I won't do what is required of me.
"No arguments, Calen. Do it. Do it now, before it's too late." The steel is back in my voice and I see Logan's eyes flash in approval. I'm not about let anyone change who I am. Never again. Whatever Foster expected to do to me, it's going to backfire right in his face. I'll make sure of it. But first, I need to make sure my family understands that I'm not some fragile flower to be protected. I can and will fight. I will do what it takes.
"Maybe sedating you will help," Uncle Freddie comments, but the argument is already on my lips.
"You don't have the time. If in the last hour, the vial has travelled this far, you can't wait. If we wait for the sedative to work, it might be too late. You need to do this now."
I can't be any more clearer than that. All I know is that I'm not going back to being the puppet I've been for Foster. I want that drug out of my system once and for all.
"Now!" I snap. "Stop wasting time!"
My voice finally sends them into action. Logan moves to stand over my head, his hands on my bare shoulders. I hear Calen and Uncle Freddie move behind me, before Calen says.
"It'll hurt. A lot." And then he cuts into my back.
A scream rips from my throat, louder than I've ever heard myself scream before. My limbs are still numb from the incision, but Calen is cutting farther up. While I can feel his knife piercing my skin, I can't move. I feel the hesitation in his movements, so I swallow the pain and snap.
"Keep going."
Logan's hands are curled around my upper arms, as if he's trying to pour as much comfort into me as possible. The pain of my skin being sliced open is not something new, but I haven't felt it this intensely since the day the drug has overtaken my system. Remembering to breathe is harder than I anticipated, so I force the air into my lungs as the blood flows from my wounds.
The moment they insert the tweezers into my insides, my body goes on fire. The screaming I've been trying to hold back bursts free and I feel the men freeze behind me. It feels like they've just penetrated some invisible force field and now, it's tearing me up inside.
