by Riley Knight
None of that happened.
Instead, she heaved a huge sigh, as that look of surprise changed to something else. Gratitude? Yes, that was it. She was grateful that he had asked. She had actually wanted to talk about it, on some level.
In short, he wasn’t bothering her by asking. He was helping. That was a whole new way of looking at things, unlike anything that he’d ever even considered before.
“It’s … I’m happy for you guys. I really am, I promise. But you and me, I sort of thought we’d always be alone. Only now, you’re not, and I’m like … why am I?”
All of a sudden, it made sense. Not just the words that she was saying, but also the ones that she wasn’t.
“It’s Kiran,” Julian said, very sure of himself. “You miss him.”
She didn’t answer right away, and Julian knew, right then and there, that he was right. It wasn’t just that she was envious of what he had, but also that she regretted some of her own decisions, the ones that had led to her being all alone.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she whispered, her eyes miserable. “I always just wanted to be alone. To have a good time, with men who weren’t going to be around for very long. So why can’t I stop thinking about him? It’s been months.”
Julian took a sip of his coffee, one that he didn’t really want, but it gave him time to think. Ella was trusting him with a lot of emotion, and he didn’t want to say the wrong thing here.
“You know that my parents aren’t around,” he finally said, which had to seem like a bit of a non sequitur, but he was going somewhere with this. Which apparently wasn’t all that obvious, by the confused look on her face when she nodded. “But you don’t know why because I don’t talk about it.”
Hell, he tried his best not to even think about it.
“Yeah,” Ella asked, and he could see that her faith in him was slipping. It must look to her like he was hijacking the conversation, turning it so that it was all about him.
That wasn’t his intention at all, and he hurried on.
“They were in a car crash. They … they died, when I was eighteen. I had just come out to them, and I guess they weren’t too happy because they went out drinking … and that was the last time I ever saw them.”
Ella stared at him, her dark eyes enormous. There was a look of wonder on her face, but she didn’t say anything.
“I blamed myself,” Julian said. “If I hadn’t been gay, they wouldn’t have died.”
That was too much for her, and she shook her head.
“No! It wasn’t your fault. Julian, I’m so sorry for your loss, but you can’t let that ruin your life.”
Julian nodded.
“I know that. Luca helped me see that, and so did you. Ella, my point is, what you’re feeling isn’t something to be afraid of. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love, with letting yourself feel. If you feel something for Kiran, and it’s pretty clear to me that you do, you have to tell him.”
Ella shrunk back away from him, and the look on her face was very clear and achingly familiar to Julian. Fear. Fear of letting herself love something that she might lose.
Julian knew that fear. He knew it far too well.
“If you open yourself up, amazing things could happen.” Julian watched her face, watched as she was at war with herself, too conflicted even to hide it. Or maybe Julian was getting better at reading those sorts of things. Maybe he cared enough to look, for once.
“But horrible things could also happen. Kiran could turn me down.” Ella sighed, and then shook her head, a strange expression crossing her face. “Besides, I don’t have his number, remember? I deleted it a million years ago. I have no way to contact him.”
Julian smirked a little.
“You’ll have to do better than that,” he chided gently. “My boyfriend,” Boyfriend! He got to say that! “Happens to be best friends with the guy. I promise you that Luca has a way to contact Kiran. If that’s what you want.”
Ella looked at him, and for just a moment, she reminded him of a wild animal, scared and alone, crouched down and ready to flee at a moment’s notice. And he understood. God, did he ever understand. Hadn’t he felt the same way, so many times?
He’d hurt himself doing it, though. He’d refused to trust Luca, and because of it, he’d almost lost him. It was Ella’s choice if she wanted to do the same, of course, and she was an adult. He would let her, if she really wanted to. It was up to her. He just had to give her the information that he had, though. In case she wanted it.
It seemed like part of her, at least, did. He watched as some of the tension went out of her face, as her shoulders straightened, as she looked at him more directly instead of letting her eyes skitter away from his as though afraid to make direct contact.
“No,” she said clearly and calmly, having obviously come to a decision. Maybe it had been a long time coming. Julian watched her curiously, wondering what that decision would end up being.
“No?” Julian asked, just a little bit let down. He’d hoped that she would choose the romantic way, the way where she ended up happy. But whatever she chose, he reminded himself, it was her right to choose.
“No,” she said once more. “I’m not going to call him.”
He really shouldn’t feel so disappointed. It was her life. Julian swallowed down his own emotions on the subject and nodded a little. That was that. He wouldn’t bug her about it again.
She smiled at him, and the expression lit up her face. She really was beautiful, Julian realized. Just as a person. He wasn’t attracted to her, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t lovely.
“I have a much better idea than that,” she said, and her old confidence was back. Even though Julian had no idea what was going on, he could at least be happy about that.
She’d made some sort of decision, and she didn’t seem afraid anymore.
Chapter Sixteen
Luca
For the first hour of Luca’s work day, he just looked at his inbox. No exaggeration. It was at least an hour that he just sat there, clicking through the piles of work that people were trying to dump on him. Work that they would get credit for. Work that it would break his heart, his very soul, just a little bit more to do.
At the end of that hour, when he was about three-quarters of the way through the unread emails in his inbox, something inside of him snapped. He’d been so sure that this was what Julian would want from him. That this was a way to make the other man proud of him. And maybe, just maybe, that was the real reason that he’d stayed as long as he had.
But it wasn’t true. It wasn’t real. He had made that up in his own head. Staring at those emails, watching as the occasional new one came in, he had to wonder what had been so bad about how he’d done things before, anyway?
He’d been so ready to judge himself for his freelance work. So ready to assume that other people were judging him for it, too. But Julian hadn’t.
So what was he doing this for, anyway? Stability? Sure. The stability of never moving anywhere at all. The stability of constantly selling himself short, doing work for people who didn’t seem to appreciate it and who took all of the credit for it.
So God. Seriously. Why? Why was he doing this to himself? What was he trying to prove?
He didn’t have anything to prove. And he’d been far more happy and healthy and at peace with himself when he’d been working for himself. There didn’t seem to be any reason at all to keep his current job. Other than money, and when had he ever been the type of person to care much about something as cold and impersonal as money?
No. The answer was simple. Yes, he knew what Julian thought that he should do, but that was only part of his decision. He wasn’t happy here. He’d never been happy here. He knew that he never would be.
So he shut his computer off, gathered his things, and went to his boss’s office. The guy was on the phone, but while that normally would have made Luca decide to go away and come back later (or not), he was riding high on a w
ave of determination, and on a sense of rightness. On more certainty than he usually had.
Instead of leaving, he settled down in a chair that was far enough away from his boss that the guy could have his conversation in private, but so that he was still in sight. He would wait as long as it took, he decided, but he was not doing this anymore. That was what it had come down to. It had taken him six months, but he had finally gotten to the point where he was not willing to put up with this shit.
So he wasn’t rude about it, but he did stay. More and more, he saw his boss looking over at him, obviously wondering why he didn’t just go. And he got the feeling that the guy was drawing the conversation out on purpose, but Luca wasn’t going anywhere.
Finally, the phone call was over, and Luca looked steadily back at his boss as the man stared at him, right into Luca’s eyes, as though trying to read his mind. Finally, he sighed and beckoned Luca over.
“So this is it, isn’t it?” the man said, surprisingly directly. “You’re leaving.”
Luca hadn’t exactly expected that, but he was only uncertain for a second. He nodded firmly, refusing to look away from the other man.
“I’m leaving.”
“Ungrateful bastard,” the man said, shaking his head, looking away from Luca as if with disgust. “After I gave you a chance, you’re just taking off? I should never have hired you in the first place.”
Luca winced. This was going far worse than he might have hoped. Part of him had thought that the best bet was to leave. To just walk out, and never talk to anywhere here again. Maybe he should have.
“I’m not ungrateful. I’m glad you gave me a chance. It’s just not working out,” Luca said quietly. There was more he could say, so much more, but there was no point.
Not unless he was pushed, anyway.
“Not working out? Do you know how many people would kill for your job? Tell me why you’re leaving,” his boss (former boss?) demanded. His eyes burned into Luca’s, as though trying to will him not to quit, not to go. Which was confusing, considering the level of contempt the guy seemed to have for him.
“I’m leaving because I want my name on the things that I write,” Luca said quietly. He hadn’t started this, and he’d been willing to go out in a classy way, with no drama. If it was going to go like this, though, he could play that game. “I want to do work that advances my own career, not someone else’s. And if I do work for a company, I want to work for one that believes in the ideals that they’re supposed to have, not just in making money.”
“What are you, a child? Everything is about making money,” the man scoffed. Luca shrugged and rose to his feet. He’d said all that he really had to say. He wasn’t here to get into an argument about the entire capitalist system.
“Wait! You said that you wanted to get credit for your writing. I’ll fire Stan. You can have his job.”
Luca frowned a little bit. He half turned around, looking at the man who had been his boss. Trying to read his face, trying to figure out just how serious the guy was about what he was saying.
Stan was a real reporter. One of the ones that had dumped the most work on Luca through the months that he’d been there, actually. Of all of them, he had probably demanded the most, and been the most ungrateful for what Luca did for him.
He could have that. He could have his name on articles in a real newspaper. It was a dream come true, really, and it was being handed to him on a silver platter.
On the other hand …
How could he trust this man? Stan may or may not get fired, he supposed. He might end up fired himself, in two seconds. There were so many things that could go wrong with that. So many ways he could be screwed over.
Besides, Stan was a jerk, no doubt about it, but he didn’t deserve to be fired for something like this. Luca took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It was so much to let go. After so much hard work, to just be offered this insane chance …
His mind whirled. He turned slowly back around, searching the man’s face. It seemed like he wasn’t quite as expendable as he’d assumed he would be.
“That’s a hell of a decision to make,” Luca said slowly. He saw the smirk growing slowly on the other man’s face, and he knew that the guy thought that he had Luca ensnared once more.
Was he wrong?
* * *
“How was work?” Julian had asked before Luca had even fully stepped through the door. “You’re home early, aren’t you?”
It was nice to have someone care, no doubt about it. Luca hadn’t had that since he was a kid. He’d never been in a relationship serious enough for his partner to know his schedule, to care about when he got home.
And he’d never wanted that, either. Not until Julian showed him what he’d been missing out on.
“I tried to quit,” Luca said, still feeling a bit out of it. Just a little bit disassociated like nothing was quite real. It had been a big day, and his brain was struggling to handle it.
“You did? That’s wonderful!” Julian smiled, but then a frown stole over his face. “Wait. What do you mean, you ‘tried’ to quit?”
Luca shook his head, and Julian, bless his heart, came over to him, wrapped a gentle arm around his waist, and tugged him over to sit on the couch. Luca collapsed gratefully into it, and Julian sat by his side, taking Luca’s hand in his own.
It helped. All of it helped. Luca was able to pull himself together enough to tell the story, about the extraordinary offer that he’d been given when he’d tried to quit. He recited it all quickly, but without a lot of emotion, as if it had happened to someone else.
“Oh my God. Luca,” Julian whispered, his face pale. “Please tell me that you didn’t do it. That you’re not going to stay working at that horrible place.”
Those words did break free, and they irritated Luca just enough to jolt him out of his daze.
“Me? What about you? You hate your job. I think you were happier at that crappy little bar where we met,” he protested. “You hate being famous. Don’t try to deny it.”
Julian winced, and Luca felt a twinge of guilt for hurting him. Just because his own head was all messed up, that was no reason for him to be a jerk. Not that he didn’t believe what he’d said because he definitely did. He would swear that it was true, that Julian was miserable.
Every time that Luca had talked about it, though, or even tried to, Julian had changed the subject. Well, Luca understood that. He hadn’t been super thrilled to face his own mistakes, and he could see why Julian would feel the same way.
“I do hate it,” Julian admitted, and Luca, repentant, put an arm around his lover and held him tightly against him. “I hate it so much. I hate it that people notice me when I walk around town. I hate that I don’t just get left alone. I hate that … that this thing that I thought was going to save me, didn’t. I thought I could stop singing other people’s songs, but that’s what they still have me doing.”
Luca sighed softly, pressing his lips to the top of Julian’s head and kissing it gently.
“Preaching to the choir, babe,” he confessed. He understood. Completely. He and Julian were really in the exact same boat.
“But that’s not the point,” Julian said quietly. “Yes, I’ve made some choices that I’m not really sure about. Sometimes I wonder how I am where I am, or why I hate it so much. Yes, we can talk about that, but I want to know the answer to my question first. Are you going to keep on working there?”
Luca smirked a little bit. Julian, when he was offended, had these really formal airs about him. It was actually sort of funny, not to mention hot as hell, and Luca found himself smiling, relenting.
“Okay, okay,” he said, holding his hands up in surrender. “I told him to go take a long walk off a short pier. Only I wasn’t that polite, maybe.” He sighed softly, resting his chin on Julian’s head, his arms around him loosely. It felt good to have him there. It felt like home like everything would be okay, somehow.
“Good,” Julian said, satisfaction practica
lly dripping from his voice. Luca shook his head and laughed softly to himself. Julian had been trying to keep his opinion to himself, he’d been trying to keep himself from pressuring Luca, but hidden or not, he definitely had had an opinion the whole time.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I want to be around you too much to want to go back to freelancing,” Luca said quietly. It wasn’t the sort of thing that was easy for him to think about, much less vocalize, but it was a real worry of his and who else could he tell, other than his boyfriend?
“We’ll figure it out,” Julian said, and there was so much confidence in his voice. That was a bit strange. Luca was usually the one with more confidence, but maybe it was easier to be confident when it wasn’t your own livelihood on the line.
“Okay, but what about you?” Luca asked, after a long silence. “You said you hate your job, too. What are you going to do about that?”
“I signed a contract. I have to finish this album,” Julian said quietly. “After that … I don’t know. I’ve learned that fame isn’t for me, but I’m not sure what is.”
Luca smiled.
“I have an idea,” he said, and the rightness of that idea sunk in, all the way to his very core. “How about you come travel with me for a while? I can show you the world. So many times I’ve thought about doing that. I could get jobs all over, and you could come with me.”
It was a crazy idea. It was way too much to ask of anyone. And yet, Luca held his breath as he looked hopefully at the other man. He was offering Julian nothing. A nomadic life, near enough, when Julian could, with very little effort, reach out and take all of the fame and fortune that anyone could ever hope for, the adoration of the whole world.
All that he offered, in return, was himself. Sure, Julian had said that he wasn’t cut out for fame, but when it came down to it, would he find it hard to give up? Wouldn’t most people?
Was Luca enough, when compared to all of that? He honestly couldn’t see how he was, but he also couldn’t just walk away from something like this. Being with Julian every day, and getting to travel with him, to see the world? That was his idea of heaven.
