“I’m doing okay, Nessa. We both are. As long as you get a job outside of college, you should be fine.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, Dad.”
“I love you. I know you were supposed to have time to figure out your next steps, but you’re going to need to think about it now. You only have a year left. Figuring out your path is never easy, and it’ll only be more complicated now.”
“I don’t know. Maybe I could take fewer courses and get some money back.”
“Nessa,” my dad warned.
“A degree from a community college is as good as a university. Maybe I can do that for the last year,” I said, even as my stomach turned. I had worked so hard for everything, but the loans were expensive, and I didn’t even qualify for everything. There were only so many scholarships out there for an English major, and I knew I would have to go to grad school if I wanted to continue my path. I couldn’t afford that.
I couldn’t afford anything, it seemed. The stress on my dad just then? I didn’t know if me finishing school like this was worth it.
“You’re not going to drop out. You’re going to finish. We’ll make it work.”
I saw the uncertainty in his gaze, and I knew all of my wishes and hard work might not be enough. We were so close, but it might not be enough.
Just like before, I wasn’t enough. I never was. I would have to change something. Fix something. Only I didn’t know what or how to do it. My dad was floundering, and I was treading water right next to him. My mom was gone, and we couldn’t lie in stasis forever. I didn’t know how to fix anything. Didn’t know how to make any of this better.
Dropping out this semester would save enough money to keep us afloat for now. It wasn’t like my major did much. I had gone to school for a dream. However, it seemed that even though I’d had a plan, a way to continue my future, it wouldn’t be enough.
Another choice I had made was about to blow up in my face. Only this time, it would hurt my dad, too. And I only had myself to blame.
Chapter 4
Miles
* * *
I should have known it was a dream the moment Nessa wrapped her hand around my cock, but I didn’t. Instead, I let myself believe that it was real because dream Nessa liked me. Dream Nessa said she wanted to be with me. And dream Nessa was currently licking down my Adonis line and nipping at my skin. I groaned, sliding my hand through her hair as she slowly lapped at the side of my dick before sucking the tip. With that motion, my body shook as I neared release. Only this was a dream, and my body somehow kept going as if it knew that it needed to hold on just a bit longer. Dream Nessa’s mouth was damned talented, but I needed to be stronger. I was not about to blow on the first lick and touch.
Nessa sucked me down again, and I pulled at her hair, needing her mouth. I just needed her. At this moment, it wasn’t a dream for me. This was real. It was her wanting to be with me. And it wasn’t only in my imagination because, hell, I was dream Miles at the moment, too. She crawled up my body, and I moaned, taking her mouth, delving my tongue between her lips. She whimpered, and I cupped her breasts, her nipples hard little nubs against my palms. I keened, needing more. Needing everything.
I reached for her, wanting her on top of me. She looked up at me, pushing her hair back from her face as she straddled me, and then she winked before her eyes widened slightly and…she was gone.
I was eighteen again, sitting in a car, my mouth open in a scream, two steps behind once more.
I wouldn’t be able to stop this. I looked over as Rachelle smiled at me, that loopy grin that told me she’d had one too many drinks. But then again, how was I supposed to know? I’d never drunk before. The first night I did, my twin sister had gotten behind the wheel. We should have done something. I should have made better choices, but I hadn’t. I knew what came next. This wasn’t a dream. It was a memory. Rachelle looked at me again, and then there were screams, shouts that echoed and would never go away. Mine, hers, my family’s. Everyone’s.
The car hit metal, and there was no going back. Rachelle looked at me again, but I didn’t know how. She gave me a sad smile, opened her mouth to say something, and then there was nothing.
* * *
“Miles, wake up,” Tanner said as he shook me awake. I lay hunched over my books at my desk and groaned as I sat back, fixing my glasses that were now askew on my face.
“Shit, did I fall asleep?” I asked the obvious question.
Tanner gave me a weird look. “Yes. We had a long week.” A pause. “You okay?”
From the way he looked at me, I knew I must’ve said something in my sleep. Maybe screamed my sister’s name again.
The others weren’t aware of what lurked in my nightmares. All of us kept secrets, and that was fine with me. They didn’t need to know that the first time I’d ever had a drink, I had decided to let my twin drive, even though she’d had more. I’d been too drunk to rationalize anything at the time.
Rachelle had always been the partier. The one who got busted for weed and booze when we were fourteen. I had tried to take the rap for her then, hating the disappointed looks on my parents’ faces, but they had known. They always knew that I was the good son. The geeky one, who wore glasses and did well in school and never partied because I was too afraid to get caught. At high school graduation, I had wanted to let loose, to prove that I wasn’t that person anymore.
Only I had made stupid decisions because my best friend, my twin, had told me that everything was fine, that she could handle it—that she did it all the time. Drunk me had known not to trust her but hadn’t been in the right frame of mind to do anything about it. Sober me never would have done that. I hadn’t made the right decision.
And now, Rachelle was gone.
Nobody else needed to know that. Not when it hurt so much to think about it.
“Shit, did I drool on my books?” I tried to alleviate some of the tension, but I knew it wouldn’t work.
Tanner just gave me a look but didn’t ask. For that, I was grateful. Then again, I didn’t ask questions about his past, either. We were roommates, and he was my closest friend out of the four of us—five if you included our former roommate, Sanders.
“You doing okay?” Tanner asked.
I shrugged off the question. “Yes, just studying hard and all that.”
He blinked. “If you want to talk about it…”
I shook my head quickly. “No, I’m fine. Thanks, though.”
Tanner just frowned before shrugging and making his way to the door. “We’re having dinner and drinks. Pacey wanted to make sure you were coming. He knows how much you like cheese.”
I smiled at that as I closed my books and wiped at my face in case I’d actually drooled. “You know me and cheese,” I said and laughed.
“You’re almost as bad as Dillon.”
“What am I bad at?” Dillon asked as we walked into the kitchen. Pacey had indeed made a large cheese board with crackers, bread, and fruits. Dillon stood at the massive stove, stirring something in a large pot.
I sniffed and smiled. “Is that Aiden’s chili?” I asked.
My roommate raised a brow. “No, it’s my chili using Aiden’s recipe.”
“Considering you wanted to be a chef, it’s probably just as good as Aiden’s,” I said, as I leaned over the pot to get another whiff.
Dillon rolled his eyes. “Let’s not tell Aiden that. He’ll only want to one-up me.”
“That means we’d get to taste the offerings of the challenge. You guys are brothers. It’s what you do,” Pacey said with a shrug.
A small smile played on Dillon’s lips. “Yes, we are.”
I knew Aiden hadn’t been in Dillon’s life for long, so the whole dynamic between the brothers was still pretty new. That thought only made me miss Rachelle more. After all, she had been my twin. My best friend. The person who had known me better than anyone. Now, she was gone. Damn, I needed to get her out of my mind.
I cleared my throat. “Are w
e eating in here?”
“No, let’s go to the living room. I already got the beers out.” Tanner tilted his head toward the door and picked up a bowl from the counter.
I nodded. “I’m starving.”
Pacey leaned forward over the kitchen island. “I’ll get the cheeseboard out to the living room, but you guys try not to make a mess.”
“We won’t hurt your fancy fucking furniture,” Tanner said with a laugh, and I grinned when Pacey flipped him off. We were all past the initial awkward roommate stage. Now, we were friends—even if we liked to give each other shit.
“How’s school going?” Pacey asked the group as we all sat down and dove into our chili and cheese board.
“We’re going to have this discussion?” Tanner dug into his meal with gusto.
“What? It’s a legitimate question.” Pacey frowned.
Tanner rolled his eyes. “Fine, classes are fine. I’m nearing my first set of exams, and I’m not excited about them, but we’re getting there.”
“You’re still doing grad school after, right?” Dillon asked as he took a chip. “I mean, I have business school, and I still want to take a few culinary classes to make sure I’m ready to help Aiden when the time comes, but I think almost all of us have grad school of some sort afterward.”
Tanner sighed. “Yes. Though I don’t like thinking about the cost.”
I held back a groan as I cringed. “I hate that school is getting so ridiculous these days.” I finished my bowl of chili and thought about getting another one as I licked my lips. “I’m limited to what schools I can go to because they have larger programs that are publish or perish, even though I don’t want to be in academia when I’m done with school.”
“You’re going to need your doctorate to even hit the industry you want?” Tanner asked.
“For the pay that I want, yes. I can find schools that will work for that, and many people in my field only get their master’s, but I want the doctorate.”
I could feel my cheeks redden as Dillon grinned. “You want us to call you Dr. Miles?”
“It’d be Dr. Fraser,” Pacey corrected with a laugh.
My face heated even more. “Please, don’t call me that.”
“I’m sure if you ever get a girlfriend, you could play doctor quite nicely,” Tanner quipped, and I flipped him off.
“Hey, don’t make fun of the guy just because he doesn’t have a girlfriend,” Pacey warned, the light in his eyes dancing.
“I hate all of you.” I laughed.
“You don’t.” Pacey grinned.
Dillon leaned back in his chair. “You love us.”
“Not really,” I said, shaking my head again. I made a plate of various cheeses and nearly gorged myself. “I don’t have time for a girlfriend. Frankly, I don’t know how so many of you guys do have time for girlfriends.” I gave Tanner a pointed look. “Or boyfriends.”
“I’m not saying a poly relationship is easy, but it’s doable. As long as it’s the suitable poly.”
“As in don’t add extra connections to the relationship?” Pacey asked dryly.
“Pretty much,” Tanner grumbled. “I mean, you can’t call it monogamous because you’re with more than one person, but not cheating would be a wonderful fucking thing, don’t you think?” Tanner scowled into his beer.
I frowned, wondering why he was growling so much about it. He hadn’t seemed too hurt about the relationship ending when it happened, but maybe I’d been wrong.
“I’m sorry,” Dillon said softly. “We didn’t mean to bring all that up.”
Tanner shook his head. “No, it’s fine. Their new foursome broke up anyway. Now, they’re all on the prowl and texting.” His phone dinged, and he narrowed his eyes at it. “And continuing to text me.”
“You should just block the number.” I leaned forward, trying to come up with a solution.
Tanner shook his head. “No. Because if there’s an actual emergency and they need help, I’ll be there.”
My eyes widened. “Wow.”
My roommate snorted. “Don’t wow me. They don’t have any other family. They’re the people they each have to lean on. I don’t want to be the asshole who lets them die in a ditch because I’m pissed off. Yet, I also don’t want to fuck them anymore. There’s a balance.”
That made me laugh. “A good balance.”
“What about you and that girl? The one from your classes?” Pacey asked.
I shook my head as I leaned into the couch, my beer resting on my thigh. “Not happening. She’s with one of the other girls in our classes now.”
“Aww. Broke your heart?” Tanner asked.
I snorted. “Not even close. I don’t even think she liked me. She just wanted to make sure she could blow me and beat me in the curve.”
That made Dillon and Pacey both snort and nearly drop their beers.
“I don’t know why, but I did not expect that sentence to come out of your mouth,” Dillon said, shaking his head.
“What? She wanted my dick and told me point blank that she wanted it because I beat her on the curve. And, guess what? I’m still going to beat her on the fucking curve, but she won’t get anywhere near my dick.”
“I hear nobody’s getting near your dick,” Tanner teased.
“Keep talking about my dick, and I’m going to assume you want it,” I taunted, surprising myself.
Tanner gave me a brief look before throwing his head back with a laugh. “Okay, you win. And, no, I don’t want your dick. Sorry.”
“It’s fine. I’ll just have to deal with the emotional turmoil that comes from you not wanting me that way. I’ll be strong and deal with the grief. But I will find a way. I will persevere,” I said, clapping my hands to each syllable. At this point, Dillon and Pacey were laughing so hard they were nearly bent over the couch. I shook my head. “If you think I’m that hysterical, we’re clearly on bean and cheese overload.”
“I don’t know. You have a little pep in your step,” Pacey said.
“Pep in his step?” Dillon asked, laughing again.
“What? It’s a saying.”
“I don’t think it’s a current British or American saying. It’s more of a 1950s’ saying,” Tanner corrected.
Pacey scowled. “Oh, fuck all y’all.”
“Did the British guy just say y’all?” I asked, laughing harder.
“What? It was in a show Mackenzie was watching. Now, I can’t stop saying it. Do you have any idea how hard it is to stop saying y’all, even with this accent?” Pacey asked. My side hurt, but we kept eating, drinking, and laughing.
Yes, I had homework to do. Yes, I probably needed to stop dreaming about Nessa. But I didn’t care. We needed this time, and I would take it.
When we cleaned up and went to our respective work areas to get some homework done, I looked over at Tanner and shook my head.
“What’s that for?” my roommate asked as he sat down behind his desk.
“I’m just thinking about how while Pacey and Dillon are decently similar, you and I are nothing alike. I don’t even think you would be my friend if we weren’t roommates.” I cringed. “Maybe those three beers are making me say way too many things I shouldn’t.”
Tanner gave me a look and shook his head. “I’d still be your friend, but that would mean you’d have to talk to me to make it happen. I’m not some big, popular guy, Miles. I’m just an asshole who doesn’t like people. One who gets into shitty relationships and fucks things up. I think you’re the one who’s too good for me.”
“Really? You think that? I’m the guy who can’t even talk to people because the one person I could talk to is dead,” I said and shut my mouth.
Tanner’s eyes widened. “Miles?” he asked, his voice low.
“No. I don’t want to talk about it. I shouldn’t have… I just… I’m fine.”
“Are you?” he asked softly.
My heart twisted, and I ignored the pain. “I am. Sorry. Just a long night.”
“Miles.”
“No, it’s nothing. Really. I’m just feeling shitty. Maybe I need to get laid.”
“That could be part of it, but that’s not all of it.” Tanner’s voice was so low, I’d almost missed the words.
“I don’t want a heart-to-heart. Is that okay?” I swallowed hard, my throat tight.
“I am the last person who will ever force you to have a heart-to-heart. But if you want to talk, I’m here.”
“I know.” I looked him directly in the eyes. “I don’t want to talk. I’ve done all the talking I want to do. Apparently, drinking makes me fuck up. Again.”
The chili and the cheese in my stomach started to curdle, and I nearly threw up. I’d had way more than three beers when I was in the car with Rachelle. I’d had so much fucking liquor that they’d had to pump my stomach. I wasn’t drunk tonight. I was just tired and fucking up once again.
I hated myself a little, but there weren’t any words to make it better. I packed my stuff and went to my bedroom, my stomach roiling. I locked the door behind me, then went to my bathroom and promptly threw up everything I had eaten earlier.
I had fucked up before, and my sister had died because of it.
Now, here I was, spouting shit because I was a loser. I couldn’t even have a steady relationship—friendship or otherwise—because nobody knew who I was.
I didn’t even know who I was. I knew what I wanted to be once I left school, but only in the sense of having a job and a career. I didn’t know anything else outside of that. I didn’t know what I would do when I had to leave Aaron behind. I didn’t know what my parents would do when they couldn’t oversee my every action any longer.
It was all twisting in my head, and as I brushed my teeth and lay down on my bed, I couldn’t help but wonder why I ever thought I could have a crush on someone like Nessa. She might’ve had her heart broken, but she had everything together. She knew who she was and was proud of it. I was some asshole who wasn’t even good at figuring out what I wanted. The one thing I knew I wanted above all else was to have my sister back—and that was something that would never happen, no matter how hard I wished.
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