“You’re not doing that.”
“I have to. I have a meeting with my professor after this. I’m getting a better job next semester in addition to the bookstore. Maybe we can make that work for a little bit longer than planned.”
“Nessa, darling, you have enough for your last semester. That’s not something you need to worry about.”
“Dad—”
“Don’t. I’m here because I wanted to see you on campus. And I wanted to see you in this world of yours that you love. You are so brilliant, and I cannot wait to see how you shine outside of this. We all decided—you, me, and your mother—that you would go to a smaller school, one that was still a state-run college so you could get better scholarships and wouldn’t make us go broke after a single year. We made that decision, even though you could have gotten into a more expensive school.”
I started. “My grades weren’t that great, Dad.”
“They were good enough for those bigger schools. Maybe not Ivy League, but bigger schools. More expensive ones. We took a chance and went with this one. And you’re thriving. Keep thriving. You’re so close to the end. I’m so proud of you.”
“Dad, the house...”
“The house is paid for. We wouldn’t be losing the house to the bank. I would sell it to pay for the rest of the bills. This is what happens with our medical system and insurance. It is a horrible way for our society to live, but we are privileged in that you can still go to school, and I can still keep my job, even if I have to downsize. The fact that I’m even holding onto a home that’s far too big for me is a privilege, Nessa. Things are tight, and they will be for a while, but I’m an adult. You don’t need to put this on yourself.”
I swallowed hard, my eyes stinging. “I have dreams, Dad. But I also have reality.”
“You do not need to put your dreams on hold for me. Your mother wouldn’t want that.”
“That’s a low blow,” I whispered.
“Maybe, but it’s exactly what we need. I love you, daughter of mine. I love you with every ounce of my soul. Your mother did, too. You will finish school. You will disappoint me if you don’t.”
I winced, my heart aching. “Dad, really? You’re going there?”
“You bet I am. I’m going to throw down the parental gauntlet if you disappoint me. You would also disappoint your mother.”
“Dad,” I gasped.
“It’s the truth. You wanted school. These are your dreams. We never forced you to make this choice, so you are not finishing school to make us happy. You would be doing it to make yourself happy. I know it might seem easier to take a break right now so you can pay for this last semester, but that’s not the case. If I have to sell the house to finish paying off the bills for those experimental treatments, I will. I will live in a small, dilapidated apartment, and I will start a new life. We’ve had to start over before, and I will do it again. You are my daughter, and you will not put your dreams on hold for me.”
“I don’t want you to have to give up things in life.” My dad squeezed my shoulders, and I reached out to wipe away a tear.
“I am not giving up anything. We are making the choices we need to make as adults. You will find your path. You want to be an English professor and teach the worlds of literature that people can dive into and find new places in? That is what you need to do. You have a book written that you want to publish? Do it. Be that person. I know some people out there say that you should go to college for a degree that will earn you large amounts of money and focus on just that. That may work for them, but that’s not for us. You are reasonable, you are forceful in your intentions, and you are creative. Creative people need an outlet. You are one of those. Write, teach, create. Be the Nessa that I know and love. Thrive. Don’t give up your dreams for me.”
I swallowed hard. “I love you,” I whispered.
“I love you, too. Now, let’s drink our coffee before it gets cold, and you can tell me all about this boy in your life.”
I froze. “Boy?”
“I didn’t want to look, but I’m pretty sure that’s a hickey on your neck,” he drawled, and I winced.
“Oh, God.”
“Yes. Let’s just discuss his name and his address so I can beat him up.”
“Dad!” I laughed.
“Fine, what’s his name?”
“His name is Miles.”
Dad frowned. “Miles? As in one of the roommates? Pacey’s roommate?”
“There’s nothing with Pacey and me.”
“I know. Though he is a nice guy.”
“He is the greatest. And he’s not mine. I’m okay with it.” Even as I said that, I knew it was true. My dad just smiled.
“That’s good to hear. Tell me about this Miles. Is he nice? Does he buy you flowers?”
“Dad,” I said. “Only one man in my life buys me flowers.” That made me think of Xander, and I held back a shudder. I did not want to think about him. He hadn’t contacted me since, and even though they weren’t doing much about it, the campus police were trying.
“Who? You’re dating more than one boy?”
I looked up at my dad and frowned. “I was talking about you. The yellow roses and the daisies?”
Dad just blinked at me. “I don’t remember giving you flowers, baby.”
I swallowed hard and smiled, shaking my head. Everything went cold, and I tried to catch my breath. “Sorry, I must be thinking about someone else.”
“Nessa?”
“Anyway, let’s talk about Miles.” I proceeded to tell him all about Miles, did my best not to think about the fact that the first time Xander had sent me something, it had been the day he attacked me. I had thought the flowers were from my dad, but Xander must have written my dad’s name.
I tried not to think about it, but I would have to call the police again, at least the person I had been working with, so they had notes. But I didn’t have evidence, and it likely wouldn’t be enough.
I tried not to let that get me down, tried not to do anything that made me feel as if I were failing. But I was. Xander had sent me flowers, and he had hurt me. But he hadn’t done anything since. So, maybe I needed to stop stressing about it. Or, at the very least, stop dwelling on it. Because I couldn’t do anything but try to be safe.
After I met with Dad, I saw my professor, although she didn’t have much to say about the new job. Mostly, she said they were still looking, and that I should be able to get one soon. In other words, I would have a decent TA job on top of my bookstore job for the last semester, and I’d find a way to make it work. I wouldn’t be sleeping, and I would only see Miles in passing, but it would be fine.
Besides, it wouldn’t matter because it wasn’t like Miles and I were forever anyway.
I made it through my last class and then headed home—the first one home for some reason. There was a note on the fridge. Mackenzie and Elise were having dinner at Dillon’s brother’s bar, and I sighed since Natalie was with her parents for the evening. It looked like I’d be alone again. Miles wouldn’t even be here.
We didn’t need to be together every minute, though it sometimes felt as if we weren’t together at all.
I pulled out my phone to text him to see what he was doing. I missed him. We had both said we would live the time we had together to its fullest, and that’s what we would do. Phone in hand, I got an alert for an email from my agent. My pulse raced, and I opened it.
Another rejection. That made ten. Ten rejections on a book I loved that still hadn’t found a home. I knew some of my favorite authors had gotten hundreds of rejections. This was just part of the routine. But after today, it hurt. It fucking hurt.
I texted Miles because I would pretend that everything was fine. That I wasn’t breaking inside. That I wasn’t floundering.
If I pretended, I could give him my books and find fiction that made sense.
Me: Hey there.
Miles: Hey there. Class go okay?
I lay on my bed and got under the covers, hold
ing my phone close as I looked down at it. I didn’t even realize I was crying until the tears wet my pillow.
Me: I had a pretty good day. I’m rocking stats.
Miles: That’s good. Wish I was there. I have this stupid group project meeting for another hour. Maybe I can stop by after?
It would probably be silly for him to come over since I didn’t have much time before bed, but then again, I needed to see him.
I just wanted to see Miles, to pretend that everything was okay.
Me: Come on over. I’ll let you in as soon as you’re here.
Miles: Sounds like a plan. Miss you, babe.
I smiled and held the phone close before I texted back.
Me: Miss you too, babe.
I looked down at the phone and tried to be okay. I would find a way. Somehow.
Miles made me happy. I would lean on him, even if it hurt to think about what would happen next semester.
Chapter 14
Miles
* * *
I walked into the house and nodded at Pacey and Dillon as Pacey glared at his homework, and Dillon stared at his.
“Everything okay?” I asked, raising a brow.
Pacey scowled even harder. “Yes, just having trouble with this one.”
“I’d ask if I could help, but I’m the science geek. You’re the math one.” Pacey flipped him off, and Dillon just cackled. “Pacey is doing physics homework, so I’m pretty sure he’s the science and math geek.”
“And proud of it. Usually,” Pacey grumbled. “I’m just not wrapping my head around this, but I will. I need to let it click. And coffee. Coffee helps everything.”
“Coffee sounds great. I’m cold,” I said as I took off my coat.
“I don’t understand how there are random cold fronts and icy weather at all times of the year in this state,” Dillon said as he leaned his head back.
“It’s because you got spoiled being out in California for so long,” I said. “Now, you have to suffer through all four seasons.”
“Sometimes in a day,” Pacey said.
“At least, we have sun here. Unlike your old home,” I added.
Pacey shrugged. “Touché. Okay, coffee and homework. Sounds like exam time.”
“Nessa should be here soon. She had an afternoon shift with Everly and wanted some help with her stats homework.”
“Is that what we’re calling it these days?” Pacey asked, waggling his brows.
“Stop it,” I said, my ears turning red.
“What? You guys seem happy. You are happy, right? Nessa’s my friend, and I will kick your ass if you’re not making her happy.”
Maybe if it had been anyone else, a tiny kernel of jealousy would have filled me. It couldn’t, though, not with Pacey. At first, when the whole Pacey and Nessa thing had exploded last year, I’d been pissed off at Pacey. Not because of Nessa’s crush and her feelings for him, but more so that Pacey hadn’t seen it. He hadn’t done anything about it until it was almost too late.
That had annoyed me to no end. And I said something about it. It had been the only time I’d ever stood up to Pacey because Pacey wasn’t the kind of person I needed to stand up to most days. Only Pacey had hurt Nessa, even if by accident. And though I hadn’t been a part of the situation at the time, I still hadn’t wanted to see her get hurt.
Things were better now, and I knew there were no feelings there, so the fact that Pacey was so overprotective was almost something nice—a boon rather than something overbearing and domineering. At least, that’s what I told myself. I would not be telling Nessa that. She would kick both our asses, and we would probably deserve it.
“Nessa and I are taking things slow,” I said after a minute, taking a sip of my coffee.
“Slow,” Dillon said, shaking his head. “Seriously? That’s what you’re going with?”
“Yes, slow. Things are different between us than they were with you and Elise and Mackenzie. I’ll be leaving soon. I only have a semester and a half left, and then I’m gone. And though we might have next semester figured out with her and school, she will be leaving soon, too. And we don’t know where yet. None of us do.”
“It’s odd to think that some of you guys will be moving out of state.”
Pacey cleared his throat. “Mackenzie and I are both applying to Oxford, by the way,” he said, almost too casually.
My eyes widened. “You mean you guys would be leaving the country?”
“If we find programs that work. We’re going to try to find a place together, and with our majors and the programs we want, that means we’ll have to focus on some of the bigger schools that have programs big enough for both of us.”
“Hell,” Dillon said, shaking his head.
“You guys can’t just leave,” I said, and then I laughed.
“You’re leaving, as well,” Pacey said.
“Elise and I are staying here,” Dillon said after a minute. “We’re thinking about finding a place together. You know, after the school year.”
I just smiled. “You know that’s not an actual announcement or a surprise, right?” I asked, and Pacey laughed.
“The two of you fit. There’s no going back to something less serious.”
“The girls are here often enough, and you guys are at the girls’ house enough that you’re practically living together now.”
“True, but it’ll be different. You know?” Dillon asked, shaking his head. “But we’re staying in Denver.”
“Of course, you are. Your degrees and jobs make sense for that. And you have the big family businesses you’re going to be working towards. It makes total sense.”
“You and Nessa won’t be finding a place together?” Pacey said.
“We’ve only been together for a few weeks.” Though it felt like longer in some respects. I just didn’t allow myself to think too hard about that.
“Hell, it’s odd to think we’re not going to be like this next year. That we’ll all be in different places.”
“Colorado is still my home. I want to move back once I finish grad school. If I can get a job out here, I want to be near my brother.” And my parents, but I didn’t say that. Mostly because it was hard to think about them without feeling as if they were honing in.
“For however long you have, just take care of her,” Pacey said after a moment, and I nodded. “That’s my goal. And now, I’m going to get a few snacks and head up to my room. If I don’t hear the doorbell, can you send her up?” I asked, and Pacey nodded.
“Of course. After I question her about her motives with you, much like I’m doing with you right now.”
I rolled my eyes. “Please, don’t do that. You’re going to scare her away.”
“Nessa’s made of sterner stuff than that,” Dillon said.
“I don’t know,” Pacey said. “Not that she isn’t strong, but she does frighten quite easily.”
“That’s enough of that,” I said, shaking my head. I made a quick cheese and vegetable plate and then headed up to my room, books in hand.
I was just getting settled when the door opened, and Nessa walked in.
“Oh, good, you have snacks,” she said as she put her things down on the small table in the corner and came to sit next to me on the couch. She kissed me softly, and I leaned forward, deepening the kiss slightly. She sighed and leaned into me.
“Hi there,” she whispered.
“Hi back. Let me feed you.”
“You sure do like taking care of me,” she said as she pulled away slightly to pick up a cube of cheese.
“Of course, I do. I kind of like you.” I leaned into her again, kissing her softly and doing my best to hold back and not move too quickly.
She smiled and then leaned back, picking up another cube of cheese. “I like that you take care of me, though.” She gave me a warm look, and I figured that was as good as we would get, talking about our feelings and who we were to each other. Talking about it too much would only make us remember that this wasn’t permanent.
Not that any relationship was guaranteed, but especially in college, ours had an actual expiration date. I purposely didn’t want to think about that.
I nipped at her lip, and she grinned.
“So, I guess we’re supposed to be studying?” she asked, and I sighed.
“Yes, for now. Later? Just you wait.”
“That sounds like a plan to me,” she said and bent over the table to pick up her books.
“You’re getting this,” I said after we finished the first sets of problems for her homework.
“Finally. I’m going to have to thank you for this later.”
She blushed, and I chuckled. “Yes, you should.”
“I meant like baking you something.”
“Sure. With all this time you have,” I said dryly.
She winced. “It’s only going to get worse next semester if I get that TA job.”
“You can make it work. You may need to sleep while standing up, but you can make it work.”
“I hope so. My dad sort of laid into me, thinking about dropping out.”
My brows rose. “You didn’t tell me about what your dad said. I knew you talked to him, but I didn’t want to ask.”
“It’s not good. But my dad is amazing.” She went on to tell me exactly what he had said, and I leaned forward and kissed her gently.
“Your dad sounds pretty amazing.”
“I know. I’m lucky to have him, even though what we might lose sucks.”
“You’ll gain so much because you have each other. And now I sound like I just rolled right off of a Hallmark movie film truck.”
“People watch those for a reason. They want to feel warm and happy. It’s why I read romance. Even though they sometimes break me along the way.”
“You’re going to have to tell me which books I need to read then.”
Her brows rose. “You would read them?”
“Of course. I want to know what you like, Nessa.” I hadn’t quite meant to say that, but there was no taking it back now.
“Oh,” she whispered. “Yes, I’ll find a series for us to read together.”
My Next Play Page 13
