Eve was still smiling, clearly enjoying herself. The drummers were spreading out to form a semicircle around the bonfire and the drumming was getting faster and louder. The torch bearers took up position next to the drummers and held their torches high in the air, the orange and yellow flames flickering dramatically against the night sky while the drumming reached a fever pitch. Jo could feel the adrenalin pumping around her body and she felt Eve’s hand grab her arm. She didn’t feel sad any more but the sound was again stirring something in her and she fought the urge to cry. Then the drumming stopped. It was so sudden and so complete that the shock of silence was like a slap. Then, at a signal from one of them, the torch bearers all threw their flaming torches into the structure amid shouts and cheers from the crowd.
At first, it was a bit of an anticlimax. Nothing seemed to be happening and people started to murmur that maybe the damp had managed to get in under the tarpaulin after all. But then the fire started to catch, slowly at first, then more certainly as it took hold and began to warm the air. Before long the flames were streaming upwards and then out in all directions as they were caught by the wind. ‘Wow,’ Jo said. ‘It’s breathtaking, isn’t it?’ Eve nodded as she watched with an almost reverent expression. Jo thought it strange to see a huge fire in such close proximity to the sea. In fact, now it had properly taken hold, she thought how closely it resembled the enormous waves she’d seen crashing over the sea wall during a storm a couple of days ago. There were huge, rolling waves of flame, pouring from the structure like seawater through a gap in the rocks. She looked up into the night sky and saw a blizzard of dancing, swirling flakes of flame, like a million fireflies dancing on a summer evening. Then there was another, stronger gust of wind and the fire roared as though it couldn’t stop itself from bellowing in delight as it consumed most of the main substance of the structure, leaving a black skeleton flaming and smoking against the sky.
The heat was becoming quite intense now, and Jo could feel it burning her face. ‘It’s fantastic, isn’t it?’ She turned to smile at Eve, then returned her gaze to the fire.
‘Jo,’ Eve said, gripping her arm again. ‘I have to go.’
‘Oh, just a bit longer.’ She knew Eve was tired from being on her feet for so long, but she couldn’t bear to leave just yet.
‘Jo . . .’ It was a strangled sound, and when she looked at Eve properly, she could see that there was something very wrong. Eve’s face, clearly lit up in the firelight, was full of tension; her eyes were screwed shut and her mouth was set in a hard line.
‘Oh God, what is it? Are you all right?’ What a stupid thing to say; Eve clearly wasn’t all right. ‘Eve?’ she said again. But Eve didn’t answer, didn’t even open her eyes, she just carried on gripping Jo’s arm so tightly it was beginning to hurt.
Shit, Jo thought. This couldn’t be it, could it? It wasn’t due for another couple of weeks. Then at last Eve relaxed her grip and opened her eyes. ‘We need to go,’ she said. ‘Now.’
They began to push their way through the crowd, Eve leading the way and Jo following close behind. ‘Excuse me,’ she could hear Eve saying. ‘Can we get through, please? Excuse me.’ Her voice was clear and strong, and she sounded very much in control. Jo started to feel less worried as she followed Eve through the last clusters of people and out onto the main road where there was more space. They crossed the road and began to make their way slowly up the hill towards the house. Just as Jo had begun to think that nothing more was going to happen, Eve stopped walking and clutched Jo’s arm. She made a sort of ‘oooh-oww’ sound and her grip on Jo’s arm again tightened almost unbearably. Jo stood still and allowed Eve to hang on to her. ‘Is it really bad?’ she asked. ‘Can’t talk,’ Eve said in a quick burst, and when Jo looked at her face, she was staring ahead with a really scary look in her eyes.
When the contraction had passed, they started walking again. ‘I thought they were supposed to build up gradually,’ Eve said. ‘But that really bloody hurt.’
Jo tried to think of something encouraging to say, but she’d gone completely blank. Eve didn’t say anything else, either, so it felt strange as they plodded up the hill in silence. It can only have been two or three minutes before another pain came. This time, Eve whimpered as they again stood still on the pavement while the contraction seemed to take over her body. The whimper turned into a cry as Eve began to double over. Oh my God, Jo thought. Please don’t let it happen here. She glanced around. They still needed to get up the steps before they would be in sight of the house. She wondered if she dare run ahead to get Scott, but how could she leave Eve in this state? She could feel the panic starting to rise when Eve straightened up again and said, ‘Come on, we need to get home fast.’
They managed to get up all the steps and almost to the house before the next contraction kicked in, and Jo started to feel more hopeful that this baby wouldn’t be born in the street. And once they were back in the house, there was only one more contraction before everything stopped and they all began to feel sure it must have been a false alarm.
Eve went to lie down in the living room while Scott helped Jo to prepare dinner. He picked the last two cauliflowers from the garden; they were small and the heads were yellow rather than white – a result of too much sun, Eve said – but they tasted fine, and after Scott had soaked them in salt water to kill off any cabbage worms, he cut them into florets and arranged them in a dish with some shop-bought broccoli. Jo made the cheese sauce and topped the whole thing with more grated cheese and some breadcrumbs to make a crispy topping. Cauliflower cheese was Eve’s favourite meal, and they ate it with grilled tomatoes and French bread, laughing at the fact that they’d been so convinced the baby was coming. ‘Daft of me,’ Eve said. ‘Because I was only reading a couple of days ago that Braxton Hicks contractions can be pretty powerful.’ She yawned. ‘I’m absolutely shattered. I think I’m going to leave you two to the washing up and go and lie down again.’
*
‘I’m glad it was a false alarm,’ Jo said as they stood at the sink, he washing the dishes, she drying. ‘I thought we were ready, but when those pains started tonight, I was bloody petrified.’
Scott handed her a dripping plate and began washing another. ‘Why petrified? We are ready, aren’t we? I mean, there’s nothing else we need to buy or prepare, is there?’
‘I know, but I mean mentally ready. It made me think, that’s all. There’s so much that could go wrong—’
‘I thought we’d been through all—’
He was cut short by Eve calling from the living room; her waters had broken.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
They took it in turns to sit with Eve. Her labour kept stopping and starting, and each time it stopped, she fell asleep quickly and slept deeply, as though soaking up sleep and storing it like a camel storing water. Even though the contractions kept easing off, it was fairly clear that the birth would happen soon. While Eve was awake, even though she was in pain, they were able to stay calm and focused, but it was Eve who reassured them rather than the other way round.
Eve was sleeping again now, but Jo felt restless and couldn’t concentrate on her book. She paced up and down the room, trying to still the frenzied movement of the butterflies in her stomach. Scott came back with two cups of nettle tea, but when he saw how agitated Jo was, he sat down and rolled a joint. ‘Here,’ he said. ‘Go and have a few tokes of this. It’ll help you calm down.’
Jo hesitated. ‘I don’t know. We need to keep a clear head, don’t we? I mean, what if . . .’
‘It’s not very strong,’ he said. ‘I’m saving the good stuff until afterwards.’
She took the joint, grabbed her long cardigan and went outside for some fresh air. It was a mild night, still and quiet with a big, fat full moon, bright enough to cast shadows on the deserted street. She walked to the end of the road, sat on a wall and looked out across the town, which lay sprawled in front of her with no tall buildings to interrupt the view. It was almost three in t
he morning so there were hardly any lights on in the houses, but it was still a pretty scene. The golden lighting around the castle, the moonlight making a carpet of silver on the dark water, and the little orange pinpricks of artificial light coming from the houses that stood facing this way and that on the staggered levels of the town.
Scott was right, the joint wasn’t strong at all; she didn’t feel spaced out or giggly, just pleasantly calm and even; able to face what lay ahead. As she walked back along the silent road, a movement to her left made her jump, despite her sense of tranquillity. It was a seagull, silently worrying at something under the hedge. There was a squawk and a flutter of wings and another seagull appeared, screeching and flapping its wings at her. The two seagulls flew off and she crouched down to look under the hedge. When she saw what was there she jumped back; it was a third seagull, obviously dead and with blood on its chest and wing feathers. It had probably been run over. But what had the other two been doing? Surely not trying to eat it? She shuddered and walked back towards the house.
Eve was having contractions again and was sitting up, hanging on to Scott’s arm and making a long, low sound as she rode the wave of pain. When it passed she flopped back on the pillows, exhausted. ‘My God,’ she said, managing a brief smile. ‘No wonder they call it labour.’ She paused to catch her breath. ‘I think you two had better go and scrub up. It’s definitely happening this time.’ They took it in turns, thoroughly soaping their hands and arms up to the elbows, and they both put on the brand-new cheap cotton nightdresses they were using as gowns. Now it was actually about to happen, they’d fallen silent, perhaps each wondering what the hell had made them agree to this in the first place.
It was only another few minutes before the next contraction, and this time Eve grabbed both Jo’s arm and Scott’s, shouting, ‘Lift me up, lift me up, lift me up.’ Jo wasn’t sure how they were supposed to lift her considerable bulk but between them they managed to get her up high enough for her to pull her legs around so that she was kneeling rather than lying down. Jo remembered a conversation they’d had about it being unnatural and more difficult to give birth lying on your back. ‘Eve,’ she said, but Eve had her eyes closed and, although it was clear that the last pain had passed, she seemed to be gearing herself up for the next one. ‘Eve,’ she said again, ‘what position do you want to be in? Do you want us to try and stand you up?’ But Eve still didn’t answer, just sagged against Scott’s shoulder with her eyes closed. Her face was drawn and pale; she looked drained.
Jo looked at Scott. ‘Do you think she’s all right? Is this normal?’
For the first time since he’d come home, Scott looked worried, too. ‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘It’s not like I thought it would be. Eve, are you okay? Evie? Say something to me, babe, please.’
She opened her eyes and looked at him, but as she was about to speak her face contorted. Jo placed her free hand on Eve’s belly. The intensity of the contraction surprised her. ‘Bloody hell – feel that!’ Scott put his hand there as well but then Eve pushed both their hands away as she struggled to cope with the pain. ‘Oh, shit!’ Scott said, a note of panic in his voice. ‘Shit. Shit. Shit! We’re supposed to be timing them, aren’t we? I forgot. I completely forgot to time the fucking contractions.’
Eve let out another long, low cry and then slumped again, breathing heavily. ‘Don’t panic, you idiot,’ she said. Jo had never heard her talk to Scott like that before. ‘That’s only so you can tell if I’m actually in labour, and I think it’s pretty obvious, don’t you?’
‘Oh right. Sorry.’
When the next pain came, the sound Eve made was like nothing Jo had heard before. Jo and Scott looked at each other. ‘Shall I go to the phone box?’ Jo said.
But before Scott had time to answer, Eve had pushed them away and thrown herself forward so that she was on all fours. ‘Don’t,’ she yelled. ‘No ambulance. I can do it I can do it I can do it.’
Scott stroked her hair. ‘Okay, shush; it’s okay, Evie.’
‘It’s coming,’ Eve said, and began pulling her nightdress up and making a deep rumbling sound, almost like a growl.
Jo tried to remember what she’d read. She looked at Scott, but he had his arms around Eve’s back, supporting her while she gripped his shoulders. Then she heard Eve’s voice in her head saying what she’d said again and again when they’d discussed this. Just be there, Jo. You shouldn’t need to do anything but catch the baby as it’s born. And there was the baby’s head, a mass of black hair and a scrunched-up purple face.
‘Not too fast,’ Eve was telling herself. ‘Gotta pant.’
Panting helped the mother avoid the urge to push, Jo remembered from the book, giving the attendant time to check that the cord isn’t around Baby’s neck. ‘It’s all right, Eve.’ Jo tried to keep the tremor out of her voice. ‘It’s safe to push.’ She grabbed one of the new cotton towels that lay folded up on the table. ‘I’m ready.’ And with another long grunt of effort, Eve pushed her baby into the world and then collapsed, exhausted, onto her side. Tears sprang to Jo’s eyes as the little purple child slithered into her waiting arms. ‘It’s a girl!’ she announced, crying and laughing at the same time and completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all.
‘Hello, baby!’ Eve cried, and then she and Scott were both crying and laughing too. But the baby hadn’t made a sound yet, and was a still a deep purplish colour. The sound of laughter died away as it dawned on everyone that she wasn’t breathing.
Whether Jo was remembering something she’d read or whether she was acting on instinct, she didn’t know, but she laid the baby over Eve’s bare legs and began rubbing her back with a rough towel and saying over and over, ‘Come on, baby, breathe for your mummy; come on, sweetheart, come on.’
After a moment of seeming both stunned and bewildered, Eve pulled her daughter towards her, opened her nightdress and held her child to her breast while keeping up the massage that Jo had started. ‘Come on, my gorgeous, darling Lily, please breathe.’ After what felt like hours but was in fact no more than thirty seconds, the baby made a choking, spluttering sound and let out a long ragged cry, at the same time as her skin turned from purple to pink, at last filling up with life.
Jo couldn’t help herself; she burst into tears which she made no attempt to check. It wasn’t only relief at what had just happened, it was also a release of all the tension of the last few months. She sobbed like a child for a few moments, aware that, although Eve and Scott were in tears too, she was the only one who was making a noise. She felt so much better afterwards; perhaps this was what was meant by ‘a good cry’. Soon, the tears abated and all three of them were smiling broadly. She watched as Scott cut and tied the cord and tenderly placed the baby in Eve’s arms.
As she looked at the little family, Scott with his arm around Eve’s shoulders and the two of them gazing in wonder at their child, she felt the tiniest flicker of loneliness.
*
It took a bit longer than they’d expected to deliver the placenta, which Scott then wrapped in newspaper and took outside to bury in the garden. Eve had mentioned the idea of cooking and eating it – something she’d read about in one of the natural-birth books – but Scott and Jo had thought the idea revolting and had talked her out of it by persuading her that burying it in the vegetable patch would at least make good use of the nutrients.
After drinking what she said was the best cup of tea of her life, Eve fell into a deep sleep, her hand still resting on baby Lily who was sleeping in the crib next to her. Jo gently lifted Eve’s arm and tucked it back under the covers, then she and Scott collapsed next to each other onto the settee at the other end of the room, tired but exhilarated. ‘Wasn’t it amazing?’ Scott kept saying, keeping his voice low so as not to disturb Eve and the baby. ‘And so fucking beautiful! Man, I just can’t get over it.’ Jo agreed that it was the most awe-inspiring thing she’d ever seen in her life. The amount of pain had shocked her a little, but the way Eve dealt with it, an
d the way she instinctively knew what to do . . . it made her even more of a goddess.
Scott sighed, a happy sigh, then turned to look at her, right at her. ‘You were great, Jo,’ he smiled. ‘Thanks. It was a lot to ask.’
‘I was terrified something would go wrong.’ Jo sighed too, tipping her head back and looking at the ceiling. She hadn’t noticed before how beautiful that old cornice was; such a shame it was damaged. ‘When you think of all the things that could have . . .’
‘You worry too much. It was all cool, wasn’t it?’
Jo felt a flash of irritation. Hadn’t he been worried too? ‘Scott, did you even read that book? The baby could have been breech – bum first or even feet first; the cord could have been round her neck; her shoulders could have got stuck. And what about Eve? What if she’d needed a Caesarean? What if she’d haemorrhaged? What if she—’
‘Jo, Jo, Jo! Keep it down, man – she needs to sleep. And relax. None of those things happened; it all went well. We have a lovely little daughter – you have a lovely little almost daughter – we should be celebrating. In fact—’ He held up a finger indicating she should wait and tiptoed out into the hallway where she heard him rummaging in a carrier bag. ‘Here we are.’ He opened two bottles of cider and passed one to her. ‘Not champagne, I’m afraid.’
Jo smiled, took a swig from the bottle, then another. It tasted so good after the rigours of the night; it might as well have been champagne.
‘Tell you what I have got, though.’ He took a small bag of grass out of his jacket pocket and held it up. ‘I have it on good authority that this happens to be the finest marijuana in Sussex. It’s a bit trippy, apparently, but I reckon we could both do with a treat.’
The Secrets We Left Behind Page 24
