“Shit,” he grumbled as the snow soaked into his pants.
Taylor crouched down in front of him, reaching a hand out to force his head up to look at her. “Tell me what’s going on.”
“I think I just have a bug.”
“That’s bullshit. You almost collapsed and you don’t even look worried, which means this probably isn’t the first time it’s happened.”
She sat down before he could stop her. “You’re going to get wet.” He tried to smile.
“Don’t change the subject.”
“I told you I’m fine.”
“No, actually you didn’t.” She stood back up in a hurry. “Don’t lie to me, Josh.”
“You’ve never been through a hockey season. It takes a toll on your body.”
“Can you promise me that’s all it is?” She looked him in the eye and he stared right back.
“Yes.”
She leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him. As he hugged her back, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was lying even to himself.
Before Christmas, the team seemed to hit their stride again. Josh went weeks without another episode, and his line benefited from that. They tore it up. Since the rumors, Mack had been doing everything he could to prove he wanted to succeed. There was no more drinking or late nights. Girls were kept at a minimum since he was still not over Abigail. He was even the first person alongside Josh who hit the ice for team workouts.
It was helping the team, and Josh was glad to see his friend pulling it together.
Josh spent Christmas Eve with Taylor’s family, and it wasn’t as weird as he’d expected, given that her dad was his coach. Her mom kept a close eye on him as if trying to figure him out and little Evie attached herself to his hip. Being around them made him think about his own family and what they were doing for the holidays.
When he called his mom, she seemed surprised to hear from him, and that was like a kick in the gut. He realized he hadn’t called her since the summer. He’d always held himself above his dysfunctional family, but he’d become just like them when he cut them out. She’d never admit it, but he knew his mother was lonely, what with having an unfaithful husband, a troubled son, and an absent son.
Ethan seemed even more surprised to get his call.
“I’ll be home in two weeks,” Josh told him. “Can we have a face-to-face while I’m there?”
“What’re you doing coming home during the season?” Ethan asked.
“Michaela’s…” he hesitated. “Ah, her wedding.”
“Oh.”
“I thought you knew.”
“I did,” Ethan sighed. “I just forgot.”
“Well, I’ll see you then.”
“Okay.”
“And bro,” Josh said quietly.
“Yeah?”
“Love you.”
“You too, man.”
He hung up the phone and exhaled. All-Star break and his trip home was speeding towards them, and he had a lot to deal with. He thought about trying to convince a certain girl to go with him, but then decided against subjecting her to his family. They’d get there eventually, but things would be extra stressful in the house with Michaela getting married. Ethan would never admit it, but Josh knew it was hard for him.
Taylor met his father and brother, but Josh understood that his mother was a whole different issue. Michaela, the toughest girl he knew, was even intimidated by her.
When Taylor came over that night, they spent quite a while making out like a couple of teenagers. Their relationship was still strictly PG - okay, more like PG-13 - but he didn’t mind. She wasn’t ready for that yet, but she would be. Every day she was getting closer to their future and further from her past.
“So,” he broke away from her and looked down into her face. Her lips were red and swollen as they spread into a sweet smile. He couldn’t resist give them one more kiss before speaking again. “I…” What was he going to say? The sudden urge to tell her how he felt sprang to his mind, and he almost blurted it out. Almost. Then he remembered who the girl in front of him was. It was too soon. It’d ruin it. He was sure of that.
Leaning back away from her, he ran a hand through his hair with a frustrated grunt.
“Whoa,” Taylor said, sitting up as well. “Total mood-shift there. What’s going on?”
Josh hated that he was getting frustrated. He knew he had no right. The relationship had been slow from the beginning, with her dipping a toe in one at a time while he’d already been in the deep end. That was how it had to be. The logical side of his brain said he should be happy she was ready at all, because he knew he’d still want her even if she didn’t want him. Been there. Done that. Their “friendship” had been a ruse with his feelings hidden from view.
Forcing a smile, he leaned forward and kissed her again. Her lips stayed closed, and she didn’t kiss him back.
“I just have a lot on my mind,” he said finally. It wasn’t a lie, not totally. Lately he had been preoccupied. His impending trip home. His ever-present episodes. An unreciprocated love. Yeah, life was just a ball lately.
“Okay,” she shrugged. She didn’t ask any more questions of him because she trusted him unconditionally, and that trust hit Josh like a sledgehammer.
He wasn’t being honest with her, or anyone else. He should have told them about the episodes. He knew that. But every time he tried, the words evaporated before even rolling off his tongue. He wanted to play. That’s all. And he was scared. He didn’t know what was wrong or what was going to happen, and he was terrified to find out.
“I…” He almost said it again. Those three words. This time, though, he wanted to use them as a shield against his own guilt. That wasn’t right, so he clamped his lips shut.
Taylor continued to look at in expectantly.
“I need something to drink,” he blurted, practically lunging off the couch and sprinting over to the fridge. Grabbing a water, he tried to wash away the sour taste on his tongue.
He knew he was going to have to deal with all of it soon enough, but tonight he could forestall it just a little longer.
Chapter Eighteen
A loud chant made its way around the arena. “Let’s Go Penguins.”
Columbus was so close to Pittsburgh that their fans always made the trip to see the teams play. And they played a lot. It made for a good rivalry, especially since they’d met in the first round of the playoffs the year before.
A battle ensued. Jackets fans started getting into it. “Let’s Go Jackets” picked up steam as it wound itself through the stands, drowning out the Penguin’s faithful.
A buzz of energy surrounded the team as one line left the ice and another jumped into the play. Josh flew down the ice, pumping his legs as fast as he could to get into position. Mack had the puck. He stick-handled around two Penguins before dumping the puck ahead. Josh raced to get there first. As he swung around behind the net, dizziness swept over him just long enough to lose the puck. It was gone in an instant, and he raced to the other end of the ice.
A new line was put in and Josh stepped through the small door before scooting in next to Mack on the bench.
“What was that, Josher?” he asked, nudging his shoulder. “You had that guy.”
“Sorry, Man.”
“Don’t apologize, Dude. It isn’t the first time you’ve screwed up a play I know you could make in your sleep.”
“Uh, thanks?”
The horn sounded, ending the first period with the teams tied at zero.
Josh removed his helmet as he followed his teammates down the hall to the locker room, running a hand through his sweaty hair.
Mack pulled him aside. “You’d tell me if something was wrong?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“You don’t look good, Josh.”
“I know I don’t have this pretty face,” Josh laughed, trying to ease the tension. “But it just gets you in more trouble than it’s worth.” He slapped the side of Mack’s face jokingl
y.
Mack swatted his hand away. “I’m not kidding, Dude.”
“For once.”
“You look like you’re about to keel over.”
“I’m just not feeling great,” Josh finally admitted. “I’ll be fine. I want to finish the game.”
“Don’t be a dumbass.” He paused. “If it gets worse, tell Coach.”
“Sure thing, Boss.” Josh saluted, and Mack finally grinned. He slung his arm over Josh’s shoulders and they joined the team.
They re-entered the ice to a chorus of cheers. Josh scanned the crowd until he found the right section and the girl he was looking for. She didn’t take her eyes off him until he looked back towards the guys.
“You ready?” Mack clapped him on the back.
“Yeah,” Josh said. “Let’s do this.”
His skates sliced through the ice as he picked up speed. The Penguins had the puck, but not for long. Glancing quickly at Mack, he barely caught the side of his mouth turning up into a smile, and knew exactly what his friend was thinking.
Josh may not have the skill of a first-liner, but the way he could read Mack and vice versa put him there. He pumped his legs, not slowing until he was closer. Mack tied up the Penguin along the boards, trapping the puck between them. Josh dropped his shoulder and propelled himself into the other man. A clean hit. The glass wobbled back and forth from the impact, and a roar came from the crowd. The Penguin shook his head in a momentary daze as Mack took off on a breakaway. The goalie didn’t stand a chance, and the Jackets were up 1-0.
They celebrated, and then it was back to business. Now they had a lead to protect, changing the game entirely. Josh was sent back out a few shifts later and immediately took off to where Zak had two Penguins trapping him in the corner with the puck.
He suddenly felt like he was seeing them, but they were far away. The sounds from the arena faded into the background, giving way to a loud pulse in his ears. It sped up, and he stumbled before righting himself. His name was yelled over the noise. Somebody - Mack - was asking what he was doing. He looked up and Zak was no longer in front of him. The play moved on to another area of the ice.
A tingling started in his fingertips and then his hands grew weak, his stick clattering to the ice as a result. Unable to think, the only thing he felt was sheer terror as his legs gave out and he fell head-first into the boards, the arena disappearing into the blackness.
Taylor let out a strangled cry as her heart thumped painfully against her ribs. The image on the Jumbotron zoomed in, revealing the back of the player that was collapsed on the ice. A million thoughts ran through her mind and she couldn’t focus on just one. His number was visible. Josh’s number, but she suddenly wasn’t in Columbus anymore.
The Portland arena rose up around her and another boy she’d loved was in a heap collapsed on the ice, his captain, Garret, freaking out and screaming for help. Garret looked up at them, tears streaming down his own cheeks. He wasn’t even trying to hide it.
Taylor’s dad, Coach Scott, sprinted across the ice as fast as he could. The minutes ticked by agonizingly slow. Danny was on the stretcher as they shocked him again and again. Taylor didn’t know how much time had passed before Garret skated towards them and put his hand against the glass. Taylor mimicked him with held breath. The tears never stopped flowing as the cracks formed in her heart.
Garret shook his head almost imperceptibly. He hunched his shoulders in utter defeat as Taylor collapsed back into her seat with a final shattering in her chest.
“Taylor, honey.” Her mom’s voice brought her back to the present as she felt a hand squeeze her shoulder.
She felt her face, and the tears were very real.
“Oh, God. No no no no,” she whispered.
It was all so similar. Josh on the ice. His best friend at his side yelling for help. Her dad running towards them with the trainers and paramedics.
She lurched to her feet when she saw Mack and Zak helping Josh up. When he gave a small wave, she let out a whimpering sob.
It was in that moment she knew. She was in love with Josh, and she wished she wasn’t.
When Josh regained consciousness, he was still on the ice, laying on his back looking up into the worried faces surrounding him. Mack gave him a weak smile before glancing behind him at the paramedics pushing a stretcher towards them.
Josh wanted to tell them he was okay. He wanted to say he could get off the ice under his own will, but he couldn’t find the words, and there wouldn’t have been much truth in them anyways. He tried to sit up, but the team’s trainer put a hand on his chest to keep him down.
“Not yet, Son,” he said.
He was asked a number of questions to which he either nodded or shook his head.
The arena was eerily quiet, with 17,000 people waiting to see what was going to happen.
Feeling was coming back into his heavy limbs, but he was exhausted. The paramedics lowered the stretcher and started to try to lift him onto it.
“I want to skate,” Josh finally forced out.
“Listen to the paramedics, Walker,” Coach Peterson ordered. Josh didn’t know when he’d come onto the ice.
“I can do it,” he urged. “I just need help up.”
Coach looked to the medic who nodded slowly. “Fine. But you’re going straight to the hospital. When you pass out on my ice, you do what I say.” He gestured to Mack and Zak, who were still on the ice. “Help him up.”
They each grabbed him underneath the arms to help him. The crowd went crazy as he got his feet under him. Acknowledging them with a small wave, he let his teammates push him across the ice. Both teams were standing at their benches, tapping their sticks on the boards in front of them while he made his way down the hall.
“We’re not going to yell at you right now, because you just scared the shit out of us.” Mack glanced at Zak who was staying very quiet. “But, dude, I knew something was wrong, and you lied to me.”
The paramedics joined them in the locker room as soon as Josh finished throwing on some clothes.
Mack hung his head, shaking it back and forth before leaving to re-join the team.
An ambulance waited outside, and Josh had no choice but to get in it. He could walk on his own now, but that was the extent of his recovery. His nerves were completely fried, and the moment right before his head hit the boards played on a loop in his mind. The moment when he realized he’d waited too long.
All he knew was that something was wrong. That something had been wrong for a long time now.
Waiting. That’s what hospitals were known for, right? There was no in and out. It seemed that even arriving in an ambulance wouldn’t afford Josh the privilege of expediency. As soon as they determined he was non-emergent, he was shuffled off into a room and told a nurse would be with him soon.
White walls. Tile floor. Freezing air. Yep, the place was depressing. He hadn’t spent much time in a hospital since Michaela’s car accident a couple years ago. That wasn’t something he liked to think about.
Leaning on the bed, paper crinkling beneath his back, he closed his eyes. He saw the ice rising to meet him in those final moments, and his eyes popped open as he tried to catch his breath.
He was desperate for something to take his mind off of it. Anything. He pulled his phone out hopefully, but that was crushed when he didn’t find any texts from Taylor. No calls either.
Maybe she’s on her way, he told himself. His gut told him she wasn’t. She’d have seen him go down, and he knew it wasn’t the first time she’d seen something like that.
“How stupid could I be?” he groaned.
He’d told her he was fine. He’d told everyone that. It was a lie, and the worst part was that he knew it was a lie. He just wanted to play. He loved the game. That’s all there was to it.
The internet inside the hospital was ridiculously slow, so he watched his phone, mesmerized by the swirling circle on the screen. Finally, it pulled up NHL.com. Tapping his finger on the icon for the
game, he sighed when he saw they’d just started overtime.
The clock wound down, the seconds streaming by as he stared at the score.
“Yes!” Throwing his arms in the air, he snapped his head back and laughed when he saw the score change and it go from OT to Final. He scrolled down and saw that Mack scored the winner. “Of course.” He’d give anything to be in that locker room right now with his team, celebrating. He’d just have to get this squared away and miss as few games as possible. It was torture being on the sidelines.
There was a knock on the door and seconds later, a nurse opened it. He took Josh’s vitals and explained to him that the doctor wanted to run some tests. He hadn’t met the doctor yet, but that didn’t bother him. He just wanted to get out of there and go find Taylor.
A few tests and an hour later, he was led back to his room, where Mack was waiting with Coach Peterson and Coach Scott.
“Good win,” Josh smiled at the three very serious looking men. They definitely didn’t look like they’d just won a hockey game.
“Have a seat, Walker,” Coach Peterson said, closing the door for privacy.
Josh obeyed and looked up, suddenly feeling like he was in the doghouse for something he didn’t know he did.
“We need you to be honest with us,” Coach Scott said.
“No more bullshitting.” Mack shut up after sharp looks from each coach.
Josh wiped his sweaty hands on his hospital gown and nodded, his eyes trained on the ground.
“How long has this been going on?” Coach Scott asked.
“How long have you been lying to me?” Mack’s face was growing redder by the second.
“Mack,” Coach Peterson snapped. “Go wait with the rest of the guys.”
“Rest of the guys?” Josh asked as Mack glared at him once more before throwing the door open and stomping out.
The New Beginnings (Books #1-3) Page 48
