He reached me and held one hand out toward mine. I took hold of his hand and stood from my chair, mere inches separating our bodies.
He reached up, tucked a brown curl behind my ear, and slowly cupped my face. I leaned into the comfort and warmth I could feel flowing from him into me and let a small sigh escape.
He was giving me the strength to face challenges and a promise to be there for me through it all. How did I get so lucky to have someone like him interested in someone like me? I was so comfortable with him that I was starting to rethink the whole “fate and chance” thing.
“l don’t want you to stress about this. You will find a way to make this program your own and I want you to know something.” He moved in so there is no space separating us. “I will be here every step of the way. Right beside you, giving you whatever you need. I am enthralled by you Maddie. I hope you know that”
“I know but…” was all I got out before the softest lips I have ever felt gently brushed mine. Fireworks exploded inside of me. My heart soared as I reached out and ran my hands up his sculpted chest, linking them around his neck, deepening the kiss. His hard body felt right pressed up against mine.
We were lost in the soft embrace when his office phone rang, snapping us out of the haze of lust we were currently swimming in.
He gently released me from his embrace and I immediately felt the cold seep in. He took one step back, then another, until he was behind his desk and I was forced to drop into the chair I had been in. That man had just completely knocked me off my axis and I hadn’t been here an hour.
The look on his face told me he was just as affected by the kiss as I was. I just hope I didn’t just cost myself this job.
The doubts began to creep in and I tried to keep my face neutral as he spoke on the phone. He must think I am cheap and easy for allowing him to kiss me on my first day of work. Stupid!
Is this something he did with all new ladies within the company? Was I just another notch on his belt?
I guess I didn’t hide my worry as well as I’d hoped. Lucas hung as up in the middle of speaking and rounded the desk as soon as he saw my face fall. Crouching down in front of me, he took my wringing hands into his own and placed a chaste kiss on both.
“I don’t know what happened in that brilliant brain of yours, but I need you to talk to me, Maddie. I’d hoped that we were on the same page where we were concerned, but something tells me you are having doubts.”
“Am I just another notch to you?” I blurted out. Realizing I said it aloud, I buried my face in my hands, willing myself not to cry.
“Am I just another notch to you?”
The words swirled around us like toxic smoke, threatening to overtake us both. I would not allow her to ever think she was anything but perfect in my eyes. I had never loved a woman before, but I felt like I could finally breathe when I found her, not realizing I’d been so alone or what I missed.
She had her face covered by her hands, so I knew she was embarrassed by her question. She had no reason to be embarrassed. I wanted her to be honest with her feelings about me and I needed her to love me like I loved her, or I may lose her when Jason reentered the picture.
That was my biggest fear: that she would think everything we’d shared was a set up when it was actually fate that led me to the bar that night. Chance and preparation took care of the rest.
“Maddie, please look at me.” I urged her, using the calmest and most loving voice I could.
She shook her head and I heard a sniffle that let me know how upset she really was. I never wanted to be the reason for her tears. I wanted it to be my life’s mission to make her smile.
I gently took her hands and placed them in her lap and using one finger under her chin, I raised her face so she would look at me.
It took a moment for her to let her eyes shift to mine, and it was then I hoped to convey my true feelings for her. I needed her to know how much I love her.
“You are so far away from a notch on a bedpost, that I can’t find the right words to express the truth to you. But please, let me try.”
She nodded her head and let out the breath she was holding.
“The first time I saw you, my world tilted on its axis. Colors were brighter. I was happier and I knew it was all because of you. We hardly spoke that night at the bar, but it was enough to let me know that you were it for me. Then your resume landed on my desk and you were perfect for the new position in the company. It was fate telling me we were meant to be together. Please tell me you feel the same way,” I implored. “Tell me you think about me as much as I think about you. That, after years of meaningless connections, there is someone right in front of me that makes me feel complete. We have spoken on the phone more in the past week than I have with another woman in the past few years. I want to know everything about you. What scares you? What excites you? What can’t you live without? I want to be that someone that you can’t live without.”
I laid my heart on the line and if there was ever anything that had made me this nervous, I can’t remember what it was. The next couple of minutes could make or break us and I needed her by my side.
“I feel the same way” she whispered on an exhale, but her eyes were full of fear.
“Thank God!” I rushed out as I grabbed her face and pulled her into a crushing kiss. This one much more intense than our first and my heart soared with love.
I wanted to brand myself on her so that every man around knew she belonged to me.
She was MINE.
I showed Maddie to her office, which I had assigned to my floor even though after a few weeks she wouldn’t be here as much as I would like. We spent the rest of the day going over the intricacies of the program and began to map out potential connections.
I ordered in lunch, or I think Maddie would have worked until the end of the day without eating. I wanted to provide for her, worship her. If making sure she ate or took breaks was what she allowed me to do for her, I’d take it for now.
Maddie’s phone rang into the office and startled both of us into silence. It was the first outside contact she had received since we’d been locked inside this perfect bubble we created. I hated that someone was about to take her attention away from me.
She looked to me to make sure I was okay with her answering, even though the work day ended a half hour ago. I gave her an acknowledging smile and began to look over the paperwork we had spread out over the large table, trying to not eavesdrop too much on her conversation.
She glanced at the phone and quickly answered it with the biggest smile on her face.
“Hey Aunt Lisa! How is everything?…Okay. Sure. We would love that! ….So, Friday night or Saturday morning? …Perfect! Okay…. I love you too! Bye!” she closed her phone with a huge smile on her face.
“Good news?” I smiled brightly back at her.
“Yes! My Aunt and Uncle are coming up to visit this weekend. They said they’ll be here Saturday morning, for the weekend. Uncle Joe is going to a baseball game with some of his old Army buddies from home and he is dropping her off at the apartment before they head to the stadium. I haven’t seen them in a few months and I can’t wait to spend time with her.”
“Are you close with any other family members?
Her face immediately fell and she looked away from me, trying to gather herself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry, its just that you don’t talk much about your family back home. I said I wanted to know everything about you and I meant it. Whatever you feel comfortable in telling me, I’m here to listen.”
“Can we maybe not do this here? I don’t mind talking about it, but I would rather not discuss personal things in the office. I never want to bring those memories into this space, if you can understand that,” she said sorrowfully.
“Why don’t we get out of here. I’ll drive you home and we can grab a drink and some dinner at the bar around the corner. We can talk about it, or not. I don’t want you upset.”
“That sounds nice.
Let me get my things and we can head out.”
The car ride back into downtown was quicker than usual. Maddie was lost in thought, so I took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. I wanted to give her strength to face her past so we could have a future. I pulled into her parking area and she directed me into her assigned spot. I turned the engine off and shifted so I could get a better look at her. She was so beautiful.
“You are so beautiful,” I whispered as I leaned in for a kiss. When her lips touched mine, I groaned and quickly took control of the kiss, my hands gripping her hair. I didn’t want to stop but I slowed down until I was peppering her face with light kisses
I gently took her hand and looked at her sitting in the passengers’ seat. Lips bruised and swollen, hair slightly mussed and her breath coming in small pants.
I’m glad she feels this connection as strongly as I do.
“I think we should get that drink now.” I knew this might be the end of sexy time for tonight.
We walked to the bar hand in hand and I couldn’t help but walk a little straighter, feeling like I could conquer the world. I had the most beautiful, sweet, and kind woman on my arm and I wanted everyone around to know how proud I was that she chose me. We found a table and I went to the bar to order our drinks while she relaxed. I needed to coax this conversation out of her and I needed her relaxed and anxiety free when began.
“I took the liberty of ordering us some appetizers to go with our drinks. I didn’t know what you like so I got a few different items.”
“I appreciate that. Somedays I forget to eat until I get home.” She said, as she took a sip of wine. I’d ordered her the same wine she had the last time we were here, so I knew I couldn’t go wrong.
The waitress brought our food and we chatted about the project and the estimated outreach for the first year.
She was so animated and her blue eyes were alight with excitement as she spoke about the work we accomplished today. I don’t think she realized she gestured so much with her hands when she was this excited, and it endeared her to me even more.
I loved to see her this happy and I hated that I had to guide the conversation back to less than pleasant topics.
After the waitress brought another round of drinks, I gently started the conversation that I hoped would not cause her to run from me.
“Tell me about your aunt and uncle,” I suggested, thinking they would be a safe topic and allow her to work into talking about her parents.
“They are amazing. Aunt Lisa was my mom’s best friend growing up and they were as close as Caroline and I are. Probably closer. She and Uncle Joe adopted me when mom died and they raised me like their own. Mom and Aunt Lisa had always promised each other they would look out for each other’s children if something should ever happen to one of them. They gave me stability and a loving home and I can never repay them for their kindness,” she said when conviction in her voice.
“They sound amazing and you are lucky to have them. What about your father?” I asked the question I had dreaded.
“I don’t have a father.” She spit out, sounding nothing like the Maddie I had grown to know and love.
I needed to proceed carefully. She is obviously angry at Jason and I didn’t want to let on I knew anything about their situation. I just hope she never finds you that I orchestrated this whole situation.
She had yet to actually say his name to me so I still had plausible deniability.
“Everyone has a father Maddie. Even if they aren’t around.”
“Well, I don’t! Thank-you for dinner and for all your guidance today.” She started to stand up to leave. “I think it’s time I head home. Today was a long day and we have an early start tomorrow.”
Damn it! She is shutting down. I needed keep her talking to see how deep her resentment ran. How much pain she carried.
I reached out to her, gently grabbing her hand. “Please don’t go. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just meant that even if they aren’t around, either by choice or circumstance, they are still our parent. My dad passed away when I was fifteen and even though he is gone, he will always be my father. That’s all I was trying to convey.”
I purposely don’t mention Jason taking me in. I hoped by the time she realizes our connection, she would have forgiven Jason and hopefully, can forgive me.
She took a healthy swallow of her wine and began a story that I knew part of. I was curious to hear what she remembered.
“My father left when I was three days old. No calls, no letters. Nothing. He took my mom and I home from the hospital, got us comfortable and left. He never came back. My mom looked for him as soon as she could, but having just delivered me, it was hard for her to get around. When she finally found him, two months had passed. He had moved to New York City about a week after he left us. She left me with Aunt Lisa and flew up there to find out what why he had left and cut off all communication. She was so broken. She had expected all the promises he had given her. That he would always be there for her, for us. That he would love us and we would be a family. He lied. Everything he said to her was a lie.” Anger was rising in her voice.
I motioned for the waitress to bring another round of drinks. I could walk her home and call an Uber, as long she kept talking. I needed to know what she thought happened, because, from what she just told me, she only had half of the story.
“Then, my mom got sick just after I turned six years old. I remember her being so violently ill from the treatments. She would take me to school, have chemotherapy while I was in class, pick me up and take me home. She made sure I had dinner on the table, even if she had to sit in a chair to cook. She helped me with my homework and read me a story before tucking me into bed every night. She fostered my love of reading. My mother never let on how sick she was, I guess thinking that someone so young wouldn’t understand. But I knew she was dying.” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
I took her hand and brought it up to my lips. I wanted her to know she was loved and not alone. Not anymore.
“She was in and out of the hospital for about a year and a half. She lost so much weight, she looked like a skeleton. Her beautiful hair fell out and she had to wear scarves. When she got really sick or had to stay in the hospital overnight, I would stay with the next-door neighbor or Aunt Lisa would come and get me. She was a rock for mom during her illness.”
Maddie took another swallow of her wine and continued with her story. I could tell how hard this was for her to retell but I needed her to tell me everything so I could begin to unravel the confusion and mistakes from the past.
“Mom had a period of time, about six months before she passed away, that she was doing pretty good. She had more energy, she started to gain weight and her hair had begun to grow back. I later found out it was because she had discontinued treatment.” Her bottom lip trembled.
“We went to see my father. He had moved back to Atlanta—Buckhead to be exact—and mom thought he would want to see us. He threw us off of his property like we were garbage. He told my mom he hadn’t wanted me from the start. She told him she was sick but the bastard didn’t care. Jason told my mom to leave and never return. He knew she was going to die and I would be alone. He didn’t care! We had to move in with Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe and mom set up my adoption before she died. She was gone about six months later, peacefully, in hospice care. I haven’t heard or seen anything about my father in over thirteen years and if I go until the end of my days without him, that will suit me just fine.” She finished both the tragic story and her third glass of wine.
It was heartbreaking to have her tell me the story that sent her into a life of solitude. She deserved to be loved and I needed to tread carefully with what I said next.
“Have you ever thought about looking for him now? Maybe to hear his side of the story. There may be things that happened that you were too young to fully understand. That could change your mind where he is concerned.”
“He gave up the chance to know me when he sent me
away. He sent my mother away to die alone. Without the only man she had ever loved. She actually loved him until the day she died. How could she still love someone who treated her like he did? We struggled to survive some months, even though she never let on. I still knew. He lived in his gilded mansion, wining and dining women while my mom was dying and I was going to be an orphan. Screw him.” Her voiced laced with pain and sounding small and weak.
She sounded just like she was seven years old again and witnessing Jason’s cruelty first hand. Unfortunately, Maddie really was confused on what actually happened all those years ago.
“Have you ever spoken with your aunt about what happened? You said she and your mom were closer than you and Caroline. Is it possible that what you remembered and what you saw and heard wasn’t what actually happened?”
She sat very still for a moment, lost in thought, starring at the wall behind me.
“I guess anything is possible. I don’t think there is anything she can tell me that I don’t know but I guess I can ask her.” Shrugging her shoulders, she looked uninterested.
“With her coming this weekend to visit, this may be the perfect time to talk to her. Listen, I’m not trying to run your life but from everything you have told me, this problem with your father weighs heavy on your heart. I wish I had the chance to go back and fix things with my dad. He died when I was starting my rebellious phase and I never got the opportunity to show him the man I had become. I would give anything to be able to go back. You have that chance, Maddie. Think about it and let your heart guide you.”
“I will think about it, but I can make any promises. I’m not sure if his reasons would ever justify what he did to her. It’s fine that he never wanted me, but the way he treated her was unforgivable. My mother was a wonderful woman and he threw it away to be a playboy”
I stood up and threw some money on the table to cover the bill. I didn’t want to wait for the check, I just wanted to get Maddie out of here. The waitress was going to get a hell of a tip.
The Hand That Holds Me Page 7
