“I wanted to surprise him for lunch. I’m going to sneak into my office and drop off these contracts then I’ll wait until his meeting is over. No need to disturb him.”
I walked past his closed office door and hear him with the man he was meeting with. It sounded like he had an old friend from the tone of voices and jovial words exchanged. I couldn’t tell what they were saying, only the infectious laugh coming through the door, making me smile.
I was in my office when I heard Carol bring in coffee for Lucas and his guest. I guessed he might be a while longer, and I had a few more emails to address. With my door open, I heard the voices in his office change and start getting louder through his slightly cracked door. Carol must have forgotten to close it completely, resulting in harsh words and angry voices carrying into my office.
I tried to drown out the argument that he was having in his office but it was getting harder and harder to ignore. I knew in business tempers and emotions could get high sometimes, resulting in anger. It was only when I heard my name being spoken loudly that I started to move toward the source of the commotion.
“Why haven’t you told Maddie about everything yet?” A voice I didn’t recognize was saying, anger and hurt in his voice.
Do I know who is in there?
Why are they talking about me?
What don’t I know?
“She has just begun to open her mind up to the reality of the past. She just recently started asking questions about everything. Now isn’t the time to go and confuse her by trying to explain things to her. She needs to come to terms with everything before we tell her the rest.” Lucas said with anger and in his voice.
“But your part of the plan is right on course, isn’t is Lucas? You are, what, sleeping with her? Dating her? Does she even know the real you? Does she know about your past?”
“Don’t talk about her like that. She knows what she needs to, for now. One day I will tell her everything but now is not that time.” Pure rage poured from him.
“When will be the right time, Lucas? When you have gotten everything you want and I am still estranged from her? Why are you keeping this information from Maddie? Why are you keeping her from me?”
“Why didn’t you tell me you wrote Sara letters, Jason! How could you not tell me that before I went looking for Maddie? I had to get Lisa and Joe to bring Sara journals to her and even then, I wasn’t aware you communicated with Sara. Why did you keep them secret from me?”
“No one was ever supposed to know Sara and I kept in contact. We did it to protect Maddie.”
I felt like I was going to be sick. I had to lean against the wall and use my hand to stop the sob threatening to erupt from my throat. Lucas knew Jason. Lucas manipulated me for his and Jason’s personal gain. Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe were in on it too. Was Caroline a part of it? Why would my family betray me? Everything he said to me was a lie. My world was spinning apart right before my eyes and I felt sick about not seeing the truth sooner.
How can I trust anything he has said time if this entire time he has been working with my father? To what ends? Why tell me he loved me if his end game was to…I don’t even know. Hurt me? Use me?
The rest of their conversation drifted into white noise as I stumbled into my office and grabbed my purse. I made sure to leave my ID and company credit card on my desk on top of the signed contracts and additional sponsorship I had just secured.
How could he do this to me? He used me, allowed me to build and design something I could be proud of, something I was passionate about. And none of it was real. His words, his touch, his love were all betrayals.
I walked quietly past Lucas’s office and moved quickly to the elevator. I wouldn’t break down inside the building. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. I passed Carol’s desk, avoiding her eyes. I hoped she couldn’t tell I was moments from an emotional tsunami.
I’d opened my heart to a man who had no intention of ever loving me. Every touch, every kiss, every whispered word of love was a lie. The steel and concrete wall around my heart was taller and thicker than it had ever been. I had been right to avoid the trappings of love.
I punched the button over and over, willing the doors to open before Lucas and my father come out of the office.
Carol, witnessing my impending breakdown, came around the desk to check on me. “Are you okay Maddie? You look a little pale. Can I get Lucas to help?”
“I’m fine Carol. Please don’t interrupt Lucas in his meeting.” the last part coming on a broken sob. “I don’t feel so well and I’m going to head home to get some rest. Don’t let Lucas know I was here, I don’t want him to worry about me.”
“If you are sure? I hope you get to feeling better.”
The doors opened and I walked in, giving Carol a small wave. This was last I would see of the sweet woman who mothered the entire office and made me feel like I was part of a family.
Family.
The first tears threatened to fell but I was wiping under my eyes, trying to keep them at bay until I made it to my car. I needed to get as far away from Lucas as I could, but I knew he would come looking once he realized his lies had been exposed.
I drove through the lunchtime traffic, weeping slightly but determined to get home before I allowed the real tears to come. I needed to pack and get out before anyone realized I was aware of their deceit and tried to stop me.
I should have never trusted Lucas. I allowed his pretty words and handsome appearance to get past my defenses. He used my past and my family to twist himself into my life, never meaning any of the lies he whispered into my ears.
I am so stupid. He was the one to bring up my family and it was his suggestion to look into my father. He used me the entire time. He told me he loved me. I opened my heart and body to him. A mistake I would never make again.
When I arrived home, I fell through the door onto my knees as I wailed into the floor, the click of the door letting me know I was alone with my pain. The tears flowed and I did nothing to stop them, allowing them to wash away the raw torment of having my heart ripped apart. Time stood still as I purged all of my misery. Each tear represented a moment unfulfilled, a future untold, a love lost.
I cried for what felt like hours before I was able to drag myself off the floor. I’m glad Caroline was working an early shift today, as I planned to be gone soon. I didn’t know who was involved in this giant lie that my life had suddenly become. Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe were definitely involved, but was Caroline also? Did my best friend allow my heart to get broken on purpose?
No, I can’t believe she had anything to do with this.
Today started out with old heartbreak and secrets. If I had any idea how it would end up, I would have never changed my schedule. I would have stayed at home.
I made my way into my bedroom and changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Grabbing my suitcase from the closet, I began to pack my clothes and bathroom items as quickly as I could. I wanted to be on the road as soon as possible but I didn’t know where to go that my family wouldn’t look for me.
On impulse, I called the one man I knew never lied to me.
“Hey honey! How are you?” he answered with a smile in his voice.
“Josh” I broke into a sob.
“Maddie, what’s wrong? Where are you? Honey, talk to me, I need to know what to do to help, please. Do I need to call your family?”
“No! Don’t call them! I’m okay but I need to disappear for a couple of days. I don’t want to talk about it right now but I need to know if you can let me borrow your parent’s beach house in Florida?”
“The house is always open for you, but you don’t sound like you are in any shape to drive. I’m dressed and on the way to you now. I’ll take you down and get you settled because I don’t want you to be alone right now. I’ll stay until I know you’re going to be okay.”
“I don’t want you to miss work for me. I don’t want to cause you any trouble.”
“You’re
more important than any job, besides I can take a few days off. I’ve got vacation saved and I really want to help. Please, let me help you.”
“Okay. But don’t tell anyone where we are going or that you even spoke to me. Especially my family. No one can know where I am. I need to be off the radar for a while until I can make sense of things.”
“Now I am really worried. I’ll be there soon. If you are trying to go dark, get to the bank and get whatever cash you will need and we will pick you up a burner cell on the road. That way you aren’t on the grid with your credit cards or cell phone GPS.”
“How do you know this?” I giggled. Josh always had a way of making me feel lighter inside. His secret agent act was endearing and just the levity needed to lessen the ache in my heart.
“TV baby! Get ready, I’ll be there in less than thirty.” He disconnected the call and I was left with my thoughts, swirling inside my head like a tornado kicking up dust and debris.
Why all the lies?
Why make me fall in love with him?
What part did my aunt and uncle play?
Josh arrived and we swung by the bank for me to withdraw money for my “escape” as Josh as affectionately nicknamed my running. As we made our way into Florida, I told him the entire story of how I met Lucas. The first night at the bar, the job offer, the falling in love, and the conversation I overheard. Josh was aware of my father, but I filled him in on the recently discovered journals and letters.
I left out the sexual details to avoid hurting him. I knew it was probably unfair of me to call Josh but he was someone I trusted, and with all the lies surrounding me I needed someone I still had faith in.
He listened, asked questions when he needed clarification, and finally he spoke. Josh wasn’t one to drone on and on so when he launched into a speech, I knew it was time to listen.
“Maddie, you know I love you. I’ll always be here for you but you have always been afraid to open your heart. I don’t know what game Lucas, Jason and your family are playing but I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Caroline isn’t a part of it. I had a drink with her at the bar last weekend after I received your text. The one where you said you loved him. I needed to see if this guy was the real deal. The way she went on and on about him, I know she didn’t betray you. I know you finally let allowed yourself to love someone. I don’t know what to say about Lisa and Joe but I think you need to hear them out. They love you so much and its possible you only heard enough of the conversation to make them look like they did something wrong. I can’t begin to understand what Lucas has to gain in all this, or why he felt the need to lie about everything. You will need to talk to him when you’re ready and hopefully he can explain himself. I’ve never met the guy, but if he won your heart then he must be pretty special.”
I let his words sink in. Did I hear things wrong? I don’t feel like I did… and my father was in his office, talking about me. That couldn’t be explained away by confusion. Lucas knew my father and was working with him in regards to me.
We arrived at his parent’s little beach house in Mexico Beach and I immediately walked out into the sand, heading toward the crashing waves. The beach was my church, always showing me God and his infinite wonder, taking my jumbled thoughts and slowly putting them back together in a way that made sense.
I would have to hear them all out. But for now, I allowed myself to be lost.
Lost in thought.
Lost in emotion.
Lost without Lucas.
Josh sat down beside me and handed me a beer, no words spoken between us. We sat and watched the sun set on the horizon, the sky changing from blue to orange and finally the grey overtook the light, swallowing us up into the night. Fitting for my current mood.
As we made our way back to the house, Josh made sure to keep a hand on me, almost like he was afraid I would run from him too. I didn’t feel like running. I just wanted the thoughts swirling around my head to stop.
Why the manipulation? I would have listened to the truth if he had given me the chance. Now, I’ll never know if what I felt was real or just another part of his game. I couldn’t trust my heart, that much is certain.
I had turned off my emotion, feeling numb inside, knowing I would never experience what I thought I had.
Love.
I got Jason out of the office by offering to take him to lunch. I didn’t need for him to create any more of a scene that may get back to Maddie. No one is the office was aware of her relationship to the CEO of MSJ Media and him showing up unannounced could have created a problem.
After I got back to the office and realized I had not heard from Maddie all day. I checked to see if Maddie had contacted me but I showed no missed calls or texts. Sending her an “I love you” text, I dug back into my emails. I knew she may not see my words for a while and I wanted them to be waiting when she finally finished her day.
A few hours later, I’d checked my phone a hundred times and still no word from her. I made my way out to Carol to drop off some paperwork, hoping to be finished with my day soon. I couldn’t wait to see Maddie and find out about her day.
“Can you make sure these get to the right departments’ mail boxes and verify the time for my meeting with the newspaper to announce the literacy program? I’m going to head out for the day if you don’t need me for anything else today.”
“There isn’t anything that can’t wait until tomorrow. I’ll get these distributed and double check your schedule before I leave for the day. Please let Maddie know I hope she feels better soon.”
“Maddie? Did she call while I was out? I haven’t heard from her today and figured she must have forgotten her cell phone or the battery may have died.”
“She was here earlier. You were in a meeting with Mr. Merrick when she arrived and asked me not to disturb you.”
Oh shit! Maddie was here when Jason was. Did she see him? Did she overhear us?
I felt like my world was being torn apart and I was powerless to stop it.
“Did she say anything?”
“No. She came in and went to her office but left a short time later. She looked pale and said she wasn’t feeling well. I asked her if I could call you but she insisted I not bother you in your meeting.”
I walked straight back to her office and tried to call her again. Her phone rang over and over, then switched to voicemail, causing me to feel ill.
I left her a message as I walked to her office.
“Maddie, it’s Lucas. Carol told me you stopped by and weren’t feeling well. Please call me so I know you are okay. I love you baby.” I rushed out, hoping she’d get the message and call me back.
As I hung up the phone, something on her desk caught my eye. I walked over and on top of the signed contracts was her company ID and credit card. She had left her access to the company, to me, and walked away.
My heart sank into my stomach. She was gone.
What did she see and hear that made her run?
Get real, Lucas. She found out about Jason. I’d had plenty of time to tell her but selfishly kept delaying talking to her, praying to postpone the emotional explosion she would have. Joe had warned me to be honest with her and I told him I knew what I was doing.
Only, I had no idea the depth of feelings I had for Maddie or how I would do anything to keep the twinkle in her eyes. Even if it meant lying to her. I still had no way to explain my connection to Jason without looking like I set her up.
Fate put me in her path and I would fight everyone to keep her.
I drove as fast as the speed limit would allow to her apartment. I saw her car parked in the garage when I arrived so I knew she was at home. I would do whatever I had to do to make her listen. She needed to hear me out so I could make her understand how much I love her.
I banged on her door for what felt like an hour and didn’t hear a sound to indicate she was home.
“Maddie, please open up and listen to me. I never meant to hurt you or lie to you. Please baby, talk to me.”
I sat with my back to the door. Eventually she would have to open the door and I planned on making her listen when she did. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew someone gently nudged me awake.
“Lucas? Are you okay? What are you doing here?” Caroline said, worry evident on her face.
I stood up to talk to her, eager to get into the apartment and see Maddie. “She left work today and I can’t get her on the phone. I’m worried she is sick and may need help. I didn’t have your number to call and check on her so I’ve been here, trying to get her to open the door.” I purposely left out the Jason situation. Maddie deserved to hear the whole story from me first.
Caroline opened the door and we walked together to Maddie’s bedroom.
She knocked on the door, “Maddie, are you okay. I have Lucas with me and we’re worried. I’m coming in.”
She opened the door and my greatest fear was recognized. Maddie’s drawers were open and mostly empty and her closet had open spots filled with empty hangers.
“What’s going on Lucas? Where is Maddie and why are most of her clothes gone?” Caroline asked as she dialed her phone, putting it to her ear.
We both heard the ringing coming from the living room and I fought to hold the bile in my stomach. She left her phone and ran.
Where was she? How would we find her? Who was she with?
We walked in and found her phone with a note underneath addressed to Caroline.
Caroline,
I am going away for a while. I left my phone so no one will be able to reach me. I have been betrayed by the people closet to me and I’m not sure who I can trust anymore. I will let you know when I am ready to talk.
Maddie
With pure rage in her eyes, Caroline swung around and shoved me away from her. “What the HELL did you do? Explain this note to me and what you did to make my sister run! Did you cheat on her?”
The Hand That Holds Me Page 14
