Linda put her hand on his shoulder but he shook it off roughly. He opened his eyes and looked up at her, not seeming to recognize her.
“Phillip … it’s me … Linda.”
His eyes focused as he jerked back to the present. “Linda … they’re taking her to surgery. If she doesn’t make it … Linda.”
She couldn’t think of the right words to comfort him.
“When’s Ann coming?” he asked.
“I don’t know, darling. It might be awhile. You can’t always get a flight out to the coast after midnight.”
He groaned and closed his eyes while Linda held his hand in mute, helpless sympathy.
A half-hour later, Evie was wheeled past them on the way to surgery.
When the swift little jet carrying Ann and Adam touched down at Oakland Airport, a car was waiting to rush them to the hospital, where a nurse told them that Evie was being operated on.
“Why don’t you go down the hall to the waiting room,” the nurse said, looking curiously at Adam. “Her father is there.”
Brushing off Adam’s hand, Ann ran down the hall. As she rounded the corner, she saw Phillip’s familiar silhouette outlined against the window. Without thinking, she flew across the space separating them and into his arms. At that moment, it was as though the word divorce had never been mentioned. They were Evie’s parents and no one else could share their grief.
Linda and Adam watched uneasily, knowing that under the circumstances to feel jealous was inappropriate, but unable to entirely help themselves. Finally Adam walked over to Linda, extended his hand, and said, “Hello. You must be Linda Holt. I’m Adam Gayne.” They sized each other up with polite curiosity.
Phillip had gently seated Ann in a chair and explained what had happened as unemotionally as possible. When he finished, Ann shook her head in disbelief. “Evie? Our daughter? It’s impossible. I’ve talked with her almost every day since Christmas.”
“I have too, Ann—and I’ve had no idea that anything was wrong. Darling, I wish it weren’t true—but it is.”
Ann burst into tears. “Oh, God, Phillip—it’s my fault. I’ve been in New York enjoying myself while she needed me here.”
“It’s not your fault—” he began, but Ann interrupted him.
“Yes, it is. I knew how miserable she was over the divorce, but as soon as she seemed to settle down at school, I went off to New York and abandoned her. So maybe we sheltered Evie more than we should have when she was younger. But what good does it do to say that now? The fact is that ever since you found Linda, and I found Adam, we left Evie without anyone to turn to.”
Phillip felt the truth of her words like a blow. All he could do was gently pat Ann’s hand until she stopped weeping. Oddly enough, now that they had both fallen in love with other people, they were able to give each other the emotional support they needed. While they were living together, Phillip’s suppressed anger at Ann had been so great that he hadn’t been able to find a place in his heart for her. Now there was no longer any reason for hostility, and they were able to share their common burden of sorrow.
It was awhile before they realized they weren’t alone, and Ann went over to sit by Adam.
“I’ll do anything, Lord, anything,” she prayed. “Just save her.”
It seemed an eternity before the doors opened and Dr. Neilson appeared. Sighing tiredly, he said, “It looks as if Evie’s going to pull through, but I’m sorry to say that we had to perform a hysterectomy. There was infection developing in the damaged tissue.”
For the moment, Ann and Phillip brushed the implications aside. All that mattered was that Evie would live.
After she had come out of the anesthesia, they were allowed to see her for a few minutes. Still groggy, she murmured, “Mom … Dad … What are you doing here?”
After she had been taken back to intensive care, where she would probably have to stay for several days, Adam turned to Ann and said firmly, “Come on, now darling. Time for you to get some rest. The doctors say she’s out of danger.”
Ann refused to go far, so they ended up at a chophouse on San Pablo Avenue.
“Not the best.” Adam held up the stained menu and grimaced. “But food is food.”
He ordered eggs, French toast, juice and coffee for the two of them. “You need to keep your strength up, for Evie’s sake. Remember, you had no sleep last night.”
Ann managed to swallow a few bites, but was too upset to finish.
“What are you going to do, Adam?”
“What do you want me to do, sweetheart?”
“You have to get back to work, don’t you?”
“Not if you need me, I don’t.”
Though neither would say so, both knew that his presence was superfluous. Now that Evie was through the crisis, her mother would have to stay with her, and Adam knew that Evie would not want him there.
“Look, Adam.” Ann tried to choose her words carefully. “I know you’ve taken off a lot of time since Christmas. Perhaps you should go back. It’s not that I don’t want you here, but—”
“I understand.”
“You’ll call me, won’t you?” she asked.
“Of course, sweetheart. Every day. And I’ll pray for Evie’s speedy recovery.”
They checked back at the hospital to learn that Evie was sleeping peacefully. Ann accompanied Adam to the airport. There was a note of desperation in her farewell. “I love you,” she whispered as she kissed him.
Back at the hospital, Ann felt a stab of jealousy when she saw Phillip and Linda seated close by each other. They were still together. Then guilt overwhelmed her again. It’s only right that I feel lonely. This is God’s way of punishing me for being so happy. Decent women don’t run off and abandon their children. Much as she loved Adam, at that moment Ann wished that she had never met him.
Late that afternoon, one of the doctors told the weary trio that Evie was doing much better. “There’s no reason you can’t all go home and get a little rest. She’s out of the woods now.”
Linda took Phillip aside. “Honey, you heard the doctor. Won’t you please come home and get some rest? You can have a shower and some supper. I’ll run you back to the hospital later. Okay?”
“I suppose I should,” he said, looking at Ann. Linda followed his gaze. Ann looked so pitifully alone.
Impulsively, Linda said, “I know that your house isn’t open. Would you like to come back with Phillip and me? I could make some dinner and you’re very welcome to stay with us.”
Ann was touched. It was an extraordinarily kind and generous offer. But after a moment’s thought she replied, “That’s very sweet of you, Linda, and I appreciate it. But I think it will be easiest all around if I just take a suite at the Claremont. That way I’ll be close to the hospital and I won’t be a bother to anyone.”
“Of course, if you prefer. But can Phillip and I drive you? We have our car here.”
“I’d appreciate that, Linda. I’m exhausted.”
At the Claremont, Phillip helped Ann with her bags. Then he said quietly, “Evie’s going to be all right now. Try to get some rest. And, Ann—please call if you need anything. Even if you just need to talk.”
Almost too weary to reply, Ann smiled weakly. “Thanks, Phillip.” He was so sweet, so kind. She wondered tiredly how the two of them had been so angry with each other.
Later that evening she went back one final time to see Evie. The anesthetic had worn off, but the other pain medication made her very sleepy. After murmuring, “Hello, Mom …” she fell back asleep holding Ann’s hand.
Ann felt someone tap her shoulder, and the nurse said gently, “I’m afraid you’re going to have to leave now.”
As she was leaving the hospital, Ann was startled to see Leslie and Kim standing out in front.
“Hello, girls,” she said wearily.
Phillip had told her of the role Evie’s roommates had played in getting the back-alley abortion, and Ann couldn’t help feeling that if it hadn’t bee
n for them, Evie would have probably come to her with her problem. On the other hand, she told herself, if the girls hadn’t discovered Evie when they did and called the ambulance, Evie might have bled to death.
“How is she, Mrs. Coulter?” Kim asked timidly.
“They had to operate, but she seems to be improving. If all goes well, they’ll move her into a private room tomorrow. You’ll be allowed to visit then.”
“That’s terrific!” Leslie said. “When do they think she’ll be able to come back to school?”
“I don’t know. I expect she’ll need to convalesce for a while.”
Then she faced the girls squarely. “Leslie, Kim: I’m not blaming you for what you did. Evie’s a big girl, and responsible for her own actions. But do you know why she didn’t tell me she was in trouble? She must have known I would do anything I could to help her.”
They looked at each other uncertainly before answering. Finally, Kim said, “Mrs. Coulter, I don’t think Evie herself knew for very long. But you and Mr. Coulter had your own problems, and she probably didn’t think it was fair to burden you with hers.”
“Then why did she go to an incompetent butcher? Surely we could have found a better man.”
Kim realized she was being backed into a corner. She thought quickly and replied: “Evie would have been afraid to go to a reputable doctor, even out of town. He might have said something to someone. The one in Oakland wouldn’t dare. Don’t forget, Mrs. Coulter, you and your family aren’t exactly unknown around here—your pictures have been in a lot of local newspapers and magazines—and in other parts of the country, too.” She paused, then sighed. “If you insist on knowing the truth, Mrs. Coulter, Evie was afraid of compromising you.”
But Ann knew what the whole truth was. She suddenly pictured Evie, alone with her burden of guilt, convinced that both her parents had abandoned her. No wonder she had jumped at the first solution that was proposed to her. Ann’s eyes filled with tears. She turned her head away and whispered, “I deserted you….”
The next day Evie was transferred to a private room. When Ann arrived, carrying flowers, her daughter was sitting up in bed. Evie made things easy for her. “You know, don’t you, Mom,” she whispered.
“Yes, honey—the doctor told me.”
“I’m sorry.”
Ann put her arms around her daughter and drew her close. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I wasn’t there when you needed me.”
“No, Mom, don’t say that. It was my fault.”
Evie seemed fairly composed, and Ann suspected that the doctors hadn’t mentioned the hysterectomy.
They were allowed only a short time together. Afterward Ann sought out Dr. Neilson.
“You haven’t told her yet, have you?”
“I wanted to wait a day or so until she’s a little stronger.”
“Well, let me know when you plan to speak to her. Her father and I should be here. I’m afraid she’s going to be very upset.”
“Yes, it’s a difficult thing for a young girl to accept.” He shook his head. “Such a pity. Well, if you can come in tomorrow morning, I’ll tell her at ten.”
The following day, Ann and Phillip paced the hall anxiously while Dr. Neilson spoke to Evie for what seemed a long time.
Finally, he emerged, his face set. “I’ve told her,” he said. “I’m afraid she’s not taking it well. You’d better go in.”
She was sitting up, staring out the window.
“Evie, darling?”
There was no response. “Evie!” Phillip cried. “Sweetheart, say something.”
He walked over and stood in her line of vision, but she still remained mute.
Ann bent over and stroked Evie’s forehead. “We know about the hysterectomy and we’re very sorry. But it’s not the end of the world. You’re alive and that’s the important thing.”
Evie still remained silent. Phillip cajoled and begged her to speak to them, but Evie acted as if she didn’t hear. It was as though she were in a trance.
Finally, Ann looked up and whispered, “Phillip, I’m scared. I’m going to get Neilson.”
She went to the front desk and had the operator page the doctor. “What did you tell that girl?” Ann almost shouted when he appeared. “She seems practically catatonic.”
“Mrs. Coulter, please calm down. All I told Evie was the plain truth: that we had to perform a hysterectomy on her.”
“How did she react?”
“Well, she was pretty calm at first, asking what that meant.”
“And?”
“I told her that of course she couldn’t bear any children of her own, but that there wouldn’t be any other side effects. Then I started to tell her that many couples adopt children. But she didn’t seem to be listening to me so I decided she needed time to get used to the idea and left.”
“Well, what should we do? You saw her. We can’t leave her like this!”
“I’m afraid that psychological problems aren’t my province. But I can refer you to a psychiatrist.”
A psychiatrist … Evie? The idea of Evie having mental problems was as unreal as all the other events of the past days. But there appeared to be no alternative.
A short while later, a pleasant-looking middle-aged man appeared and introduced himself as Dr. Frankel.
Phillip and Ann waited while Frankel introduced himself to the still silent Evie. Then he turned and spoke softly. “It would be best if you waited outside.”
After a little while they heard Evie’s voice rise shrilly, then the sounds of sobs. Phillip was just about to charge in when Frankel came out. “I’m going to prescribe a sedative. She’s hysterical.”
“Can we see her?”
“It would be best if you didn’t for the moment. Tomorrow she will hopefully be calmer and we can discuss what treatment she should have.”
Ann and Phillip left and Evie sank into a drugged sleep. But early the next morning the sedative began to wear off. Evie woke with the doctor’s words ringing in her ears: “You won’t be able to bear children, Evie. I’m sorry….”
It was like a death sentence. All her hopes and dreams for her future were bound up in marriage and family—a big, happy home filled with children. An only child, she had always longed for brothers and sisters, and she and Peter wanted at least four kids. Now she had not only lost Peter, she would never have children at all. She was no longer a woman. She was an empty shell.
She lay in bed for a while, going over the events leading up to the abortion. She couldn’t absolve herself. Abruptly, she came to a decision.
Swinging her legs from the bed, still woozy from the sedative, she stumbled to the bathroom. Picking up the water glass, she brought it down viciously on the rim of the basin. Glass fragments sprayed the floor, leaving the jaggedly broken base in her hand.
She gritted her teeth and with two quick, decisive movements she slashed her left wrist, then her right, with long, lengthwise strokes. As the blood spurted, she was overcome with nausea. The glass dropped from her fingers as she slowly crumpled to the floor.
It was the sheerest luck that the floor nurse checked Evie’s room a few minutes later. Evie was not in her bed and the nurse looked in the half-open door of the bathroom. A glance told her what had happened. She rushed to the door and called, “Sandy—STAT!”
The LVN came ran in and gasped at the sight. “Oh, Jesus—I’ll call the resident.”
Within seconds, the doctor arrived. “Tell surgery we’re bringing her up.”
“I already have, doctor,” the nurse said.
She had stopped the flow, but Evie was unconscious from shock and loss of blood. For several desperate minutes the resident was afraid they were too late. There was an agonizing delay before the nurse could start the IV, but finally she said, “The pulse is steadier.”
The doctor heaved a sigh of relief. “Okay. Now let’s get her onto a gurney.”
Once again, Evie was raced down the hall and through the white-enameled doors.
> When Evie woke, she was completely disoriented. She tried to look around in the dim light. She was in a small, bare room. The windows were shadowed by narrow bars. It was dark outside, and she didn’t know what time of day it was.
I want to get out of here.
She tried to scream, but her throat was tight and sore, and all that emerged was a hoarse croak. She couldn’t seem to move her arms. Then she realized that her wrists were heavily bandaged, and memories flooded back. Dr. Neilson … the hysterectomy.
Why didn’t they let me die?
When the nurse opened the door, the shaft of light from the corridor blinded her for an instant. She heard Ann’s voice.
“Evie, darling … Daddy and I have been waiting to see you. You’ve been asleep for a long time.”
If I pretend to be asleep, they’ll go away.
This time Phillip spoke. “Evie, sweetheart—Mommy and I want you to know how much we love you.”
She felt her father’s presence close to her and tried to turn away as his lips brushed her cheek.
“I suppose you don’t feel much like talking,” Ann said, “but Daddy and I will be here, so you just tell the nurse when you want to see us.” She touched Evie’s shoulder hesitantly. “We love you so much, honey.”
The next week was like a nightmare for Phillip and Ann. Evie had been moved to the psychiatric unit at Herrick, and the halls resounded with moans and screams. Evie, by contrast, remained mute.
Linda had to return to work, so Ann and Phillip kept up the vigil alone. Adam sent Evie huge bunches of flowers every day and called Ann every night for news. But all Ann could tell him was, “She’s no better. They’re suggesting that she go to a sanatorium.”
“Will you send her?”
“We have no choice. I’d open up the house and take care of her at home, but Frankel feels that would be counterproductive.” She paused. “Adam, darling, I’m really sorry to be away so long. But I just don’t feel I can leave Evie.”
“I wouldn’t dream of asking you to leave at a time like this. Now tell me, where’s she going to be staying? In the city?”
“No, Doctor Frankel has recommended a place up north called Rolling Hills.”
Seasons of the Heart Page 32
