But it was more than making her feel beautiful. Nicolai made her feel indomitable, like she could conquer the world. The feeling was so strange, unlike any she had ever known, and absolutely wonderful.
When they stepped into the night air, Nicolai reached for her hand. Her first instinct was to pull away, but as if sensing her discomfort, he said, “Indulge me, Julianne.”
Her hand slipped into his.
Contrary to his playboy reputation, Nicolai’s touch was never inappropriate. He simply massaged cream into her chafed hands or rubbed her shoulders and seemed so genuinely pleased by those small liberties that she didn’t deny him.
But this.
This was something different. Something more. They were holding hands. Walking along the avenue and holding hands like lovers do. She shouldn’t do this. Shouldn’t go any farther down this path. Fantasy was enough.
But the feel of that talented hand, so warm and strong. Those long, elegant fingers wrapping around hers. Holding her. Guiding her.
I should definitely pull away.
She didn’t.
As they continued along the sidewalk, his thumb strummed over her knuckles. Her body reacted as if he was stroking a far more intimate place than the back of her hand. Nicolai told her he wanted them to be closer. Even told her to call him by his first name when they took little excursions like this one outside of the gallery, but she was pretty sure he hadn’t meant what she was imagining right now. She swallowed her giggle and shrugged off the feeling.
When they arrived at their destination, Julianne could hardly contain the delight. Nicolai was taking her to one of the finest in tables in Paris. The maître d’ greeted him as if he was a close personal friend and ushered them to an intimate table at the back by a large picture window. The drapes were drawn to reveal a postcard perfect view.
After settling her into a chair, Nicolai took the seat across from her. He ordered a bottle of wine as the maître d’ lit the tapers. While the men exchanged pleasantries, she stared across the table. She couldn’t decide which was more breathtaking, the way the candles lit Nicolai’s face or the Eiffel Tower twinkling with thousands of tiny lights in the distance.
She sighed. There was no contest. Nicolai is too luscious.
“Would you like a menu, Julianne?” he asked as the waiter presented an aperitif.
Raising the glass to her lips with a small smile, she shook her head knowing it would please him to choose for her. Nicolai spoke to the waiter in a soft voice and after a moment, they were left alone.
He turned his attention back to her. “Can you guess what my first art professor called me?”
Nicolai wasn’t self-deprecating about his career, but something in his eyes told her that this memory was not his proudest.
“Oh, let me see. ‘The Great One?’ ‘The Second Coming?’ ‘Master Magnificent?’ Am I warm?” She grinned at him.
His eyes crinkled with his smile. “Very funny, but I’m afraid not. He called me ‘the Pretty Idiot.’ Told me I had no talent and should consider house painting.”
“Ouch. How did you deal with that?”
“The only way I could. I stopped listening. I turned to people who believed in me and shut the rest out. For me, it’s Darion and Jacques.”
“You’re very lucky to have them, Nicolai,” she replied with a hint of longing.
He reached for her. “I am and I want that for you. I want to be that person in your life, Julianne. I want to lift you up when the world tries to hold you down."
There was a subtext to Nicolai’s words. One she wished she didn’t understand.
He went on. “For my entire life, everyone looked at me with cynical eyes. To them, my life was pre-prescribed. What did a spoiled rich kid like me ever have to earn? Nothing, right? Even my talent wasn’t earned. God-given, no effort necessary.”
“No. That’s not right. Talent alone doesn’t create what you have. You work hard, Nicolai.”
“As do you, Julianne. You’re earning your success.”
“It’s nothing compared to yours.” She wasn’t being self-deprecating or insecure about her art. She was being honest. Nicolai had given her confidence to believe in her talent, but his was far superior.
He raised a disapproving eyebrow. The one that appeared whenever he thought she underestimated herself and said, “We’re not so different you know.”
We’re entirely different.
A quick tilt of his chin was added to the eyebrow as if he'd read her thought. Then he sat back, his expression playful. “Did you know that a client recently joked about my vanity at choosing my female counterpart as an apprentice?”
“You’re kidding.”
“No. He said we look like reflections of one another.”
Me, a reflection of Nicolai. If only. “Your eyes are pretty, but my hair puts yours to shame,” she teased and pretended to primp her bun.
Nicolai fluttered his lashes.
Julianne filled with pride at seeing him act silly. Nicolai carried a heavy weight, as if he was much older than he was. Even though she’d never seen him interact in his personal life, she knew he was only light with her.
“I thought about that comment for a long time and while we do share fabulous taste in clothes,” he said around a grin, “our similarity is much deeper than the way we look on the outside."
"I suppose in certain ways that's true." Nicolai always touted her accomplishments, telling her how special she was and encouraging her to take pride in her achievements, and a small, vain part of her was beginning to let his view penetrate. "We're both dedicated to our art or maybe we're just crazy, hiding in a studio every day to avoid the sun. You're not a vampire, are you?" She smiled at her joke.
He didn't. He went all Nicolai again and his eyes filled with an intensity she’d never seen in them. “My art is the only thing I’ve ever earned. The only thing I value. And now I want to earn something else: you.”
Her heart stopped in her chest. He didn’t mean that. He couldn’t.
“I want to earn your trust, Julianne. I promise to value it above all else. If you trust me, I will never fail you.” He raised a hand to cut her off before she could lie to him again. “Don’t. Just think about what I’m saying. Perhaps if you understand more about me, trusting me will be easier. Listen to my story, Julianne, and try.”
Julianne couldn’t speak even if she wanted to. So she listened and it only made it harder to keep the wall between them. She put Nicolai high on a pedestal because he was worthy of it, but she also saw the man behind the famous persona. His words only confirmed what she already knew. The man he hid from the world was everything she wanted and could never have.
The one-sided dialogue continued until the maître d’ presented a fine Chateau D’Yquem Sauternes to cap off their evening. After he poured and left them to their sweet nectar, Nicolai said, “I’m curious, Julianne. I have talked until my throat is raw, yet you say nothing. Why not?”
She blinked at his abrupt shift in topic. “I’m enjoying learning about you. I’m not so interesting.” Her voice was charming but dismissive and she waved her hand through the air as if she could bat his question away.
She should have known better.
“I find you infinitely interesting. I want to see all of your facets, especially the ones you keep hidden so well.”
The look Nicolai gave her made her feel as if he already knew every one of her secrets. He didn’t. Over the past few weeks, his distance had disappeared; hers hadn’t. She lowered her eyes to avoid his gaze. “I’m sorry, sir. I’m a very private person,” she offered weakly.
His hand shot across the table to lift her chin and force her to look at him again. “So, we’re back to ‘sir,’ are we? Stop hiding from me.” The exasperated tone was sharp. “You think I don’t know by now that you’re afraid of intimacy? That opening yourself to another person absolutely terrifies you.”
“How would you know that?”
He answered more softly
, “Because I recognize so much of myself in you. The only thing I don’t understand is why.”
She didn’t reply, but she didn’t look away either.
Nicolai quirked an eyebrow to lighten the mood and quipped, “Be careful, Julianne. You’re going to make it my mission to force you to face all your fears. And believe me, I can be very persuasive.”
Despite the tone, she knew he wasn’t joking.
“Don’t I know it?” She bit her lower lip as he lowered his hand.
“Good.” He smiled then, the haughty smile of a man confident in his power of persuasion. “Let’s play a game. I ask a question, you answer it. Simple.”
He began peppering her with question after question. At first, he asked about trivial things. As he delved deeper, she struggled, her anxiety rising at a steady clip. Nicolai was patient, but relentless as he pushed her out of her comfort zone. Part of her wanted to open up, but she had been conditioned to silence. Giving Nicolai what he wanted felt like a horrifying betrayal.
She finally blurted, “You win. You’re right. The truth is that opening up to you like this absolutely terrifies me. Even playing this silly game is just about killing me.”
He rewarded her honesty with a brilliant smile. Everything inside told her to do anything to keep that look on his face, but she was simultaneously struck by guilt at having offered even that small sliver of truth.
For a moment, Nicolai was quiet and she sighed in relief, thinking he would relent. Then he asked the question she dreaded more than any other. “Tell me about the Colonel, Julianne. What is your relationship with him like?”
She stared into Nicolai’s eyes, silently begging him to let it go. She knew he wouldn’t. He kept his eyes locked on hers as he waited for her answer.
“I can’t, Nicolai. Please. I can’t talk to you about him.”
She’d thrown down the gauntlet and they both knew it.
“Okay, Julianne. If you would rather play a guessing game, I’ll play.”
She could hear his displeasure and painful regret coursed through her.
“Let’s see, where shall I begin?” He pinned her with a ruthless, dissecting stare. “Your mother passed away when you were ten and your father never remarried. I’ve met the Colonel. He’s quite a formidable man who seems to take an unusually active interest in his daughter’s activities. Between his military training and the ass kissing he’s used to as a diplomat, I can’t imagine he’s open minded about your opinions for your own life.
“All you’re supposed to do is please daddy. Poor little rich girl, locked in her gilded cage with everything anyone could ever want except her freedom. How am I doing so far, Julianne?” he snapped her name with ferocious challenge. So close to the truth.
“I can’t do this, Nicolai, please,” she begged, fighting to hold back tears.
She bowed her head and stared at the burgundy liquid in her glass. Discussing even the smallest details of her private life with the Colonel was strictly forbidden, but the look in Nicolai’s eyes told her that he wouldn’t allow her to hide any longer. She wasn’t strong enough to fight him. She had to choose.
The competing demands closed in like a vice.
Nicolai’s face blurred as the room faded into a misty haze. The monstrous enemy of her other life grabbed her with cruel vengeance and yanked her back in time. The clink of champagne glasses and orchestra music replaced the hushed tones of the restaurant around her.
She clutched Nicolai’s hand as a sickening dread enslaved her mind. “Don’t let me go,” she pleaded as the fear filled her.
“I’m right here, Julianne. I’m right here with you.”
She looked at Nicolai with uncertainty, not really seeing him at all, and leaned forward to whisper, “I can’t talk to you anymore. He’s watching us.”
“Who is watching us, Julianne?”
Her breathing became more erratic. “My father. He watches everything. Every word. Every action. I must be perfect or he will perfect me.” She dared a glance directly at the handsome man across from her and added, “I have to be perfect.”
Her pulse jumped at the thought that she never was and the panic deepened. She began to run hands roughly over her torso. In her mind, the soft crepe of the dress she wore was replaced with the punishing bones of a corseted ball gown. She opened her mouth for air, but the dress squeezed mercilessly. A diamond choker encircled her bare neck and hung heavy, so heavy, like hands choking her. Her fingernails clawed at it, trying to loosen the glittering grip.
I'm suffocating.
Her brow furrowed as she relived that horrible night. Her father doled out punishments if she was too talkative, too clumsy, too uncouth. His list went on and on. But those punishments were given dispassionately and paled in comparison to the one she received that night. She hadn’t intended to be too flirtatious, but the Colonel insisted otherwise. An unsolicited advance triggered his wrath and she suffered for it. Oh, how she had suffered for it.
She suddenly feared every man in the room, especially the one seated directly across from her. She snapped her hand away and recoiled. The chair hit the wall as she thrust back to escape him.
He rose slowly, stepping around the table, and eased to his knees. Warm hands came to her face. “Come back to me, Julianne. It’s alright. Come back,” he said, stroking thumbs over her tear-stained cheeks in a soft, soothing motion.
The voice cut through the nightmare. Warm fingers chased away the cold dread and the cruel memories released their hold. As the mist cleared from her eyes, Nicolai reemerged.
The room was sedate behind him. The maître d’ helped a woman on with her coat as he bid her farewell. Waiters quietly cleared away the last remnants of the evening’s departed guests. The handful that remained enjoyed the end of their meals, all seemingly oblivious to her and the crouching man with his beautiful hands on her face.
She wanted to fall into those waiting arms, but turned sharply away. Control, she had to regain control. Had to ebb the mortifying flow of her tears. Allowing herself the surety of that embrace was a luxury she could not emotionally afford. Her hands shook as she pushed away Nicolai’s comfort.
I’m sorry, Nicolai. You deserve so much more from me, but I can’t give it to you. I just can’t.
“You’re safe, Julianne. Trust that you are safe with me.”
I do trust you, Nicolai. With you is the only place where I do feel safe.
Julianne shut Nicolai out as she rebuilt her façade and barricaded herself behind it.
*****
Nicolai was not stupid.
He knew Julianne kept secrets. After months together, he’d become obsessed with the fact that she still didn’t trust him. Not completely. But until this moment, he hadn’t begun to fathom just how artfully she hid herself. A knife twisted in his gut as he watched her mask slip back into place. When her eyes met his, she cut him with a purposely secretive gaze.
“Let me hold you.”
She eased onto his lap. Although he recognized the falsity of her gesture, he rocked her, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head as if she had genuinely given herself over to his care. He wanted to reach her, but knew she was gone for tonight. Whatever thoughts and issues she was struggling with would remain, as usual, unvoiced and hidden. For now, he would have to be content to let her go with a promise for tomorrow.
“Everything will be alright. Tonight is not our night, but I will wait for you. I will earn your trust and you will open to me.”
9
Smashing Barriers
Julianne stayed away, her rejection like a hard slap to the face.
Nicolai wanted her here. Hell, he needed her here. And he was used to getting exactly what he wanted. He’d been a good boy, a virtual saint for God’s sake. Been patient. Given her space. Even enjoyed seeing her lose herself to her artistic awakening. He didn’t expect Julianne to fall into his arms like a mindless puppet, nor did he want her to, but he didn’t expect her to fight him either. He’d used e
very tool in his arsenal to dismantle her defenses. Each question, each touch, designed to enhance her trust and pull her closer to him. But with every separation, she rebuilt her barriers. As it was, he only convinced her to come to the gallery today by threatening her with false deadlines and demanding her presence.
And so he waited, staring into the empty space where Julianne usually worked. He was a Dom, trained to hone in on a woman’s tells and control them, but he didn’t need any skill whatsoever to understand what was running through Julianne’s mind when he looked at her statue. He understood exactly the kind of need that drove someone to create something so sexual. And the barrier that held Julianne back was equally exposed by her work. Her sex god was virtually complete. Except for his sex.
Before their last encounter, he believed virginity was the only barrier between them. Now he understood that something far greater stood in their way. He shuddered as he remembered the look on Julianne’s face when he asked about her father. She looked scared of him and that did not sit well. Her beautiful eyes became shadowed and distant, their usual sparkle and youthfulness completely snuffed out. He watched his masterpiece of a woman cower before him as she relived something horrifying. He’d never felt more impotent.
But more than the look of her, Julianne’s words had his mind racing to places he didn’t want to go. I must be perfect or he will perfect me. He knew other members of the Order who used language like that. Given his own kinks, he didn’t judge, but he didn’t indulge the extremes of their lifestyle either.
Could he be interpreting Julianne’s words correctly? Good Lord, he hoped not. If he was, what had that heartless bastard done to her? His blood boiled at the thoughts in his head.
As far as he was concerned, this game of cat and mouse was over. Whatever frightened Julianne in that restaurant was poisoning her ability to trust him. If they were to become lovers - and they were going to become lovers - he needed that trust. To get it, he would have to force her past all of her barriers. Not only the obvious one revealed in her statue, but also the hidden one that clearly scared her far more.
Masterpiece (The Masters of The Order Book 1) Page 11
