by Lulu Pratt
I start stroking myself slowly, at first telling myself that it’s just an extension of soaping up my body, but I know better. Instead of mourning Alexis I’m fantasizing about her sister. I lean against the wall. My knees feel weak, like all the blood is pooling between my hips and making it impossible for the rest of me to even function. It’s fucked up, but I can’t help what my brain is doing.
I stop thinking about what she was like when we were both teenagers, and it’s like the image of her in her towel is seared into my brain. I think about what it would be like to go to her, to tell her how fucked up I feel about everything that’s happened. I close my eyes and imagine catching the tail of the towel she’d had draped around her, and using that to pull her to me.
In my mind, teenage Lara is now adult Lara. She looks at me with a confused expression on her face and she’d ask me what the hell I’m thinking. I imagine kissing her. “I just need to feel like it’s possible that I’ll feel good again.” It’s the truth, but something about the way I say it in my mind doesn’t seem right, but my brain isn’t getting enough blood flow for me to argue with myself.
I start working myself harder, remembering the way Lara had felt when we’d still been together, before we’d broken up. Surely, she’s been with some other guys in the meantime, so she’s probably more experienced, not that she needed any more skills. I’m shaking, teasing the tip of my cock with my thumb while I use my other hand to cup my balls, rub them a little bit. I imagine Lara giving into me, looking at me with those bright eyes that tell me I’m not fooling anyone, but saying that if it’ll help, she’ll show me what she’s learned since we’ve been apart.
She sinks down onto her knees in my mind and takes me in her hand, and I’m imagining her stroking me, her cupping my balls, giving them a little, careful squeeze, before she takes the tip of my cock into her mouth and starts to suck. I’ve lost the point of taking a shower completely, and unless Riley wakes up crying or the water somehow cuts out, I don’t think I stand a chance of stopping until I get off. I imagine Lara taking more and more of me into her mouth, looking up at me from on her knees, starting to get into it herself.
I imagine her moaning around my cock, and if there wasn’t a wall for me to lean against I might end up falling on my ass. The thought of Lara working me with her mouth and hands, doing it eagerly, and what that would look like is almost enough to make me come instantly. I both do and don’t want to keep going. It feels good, like jerking off always does, but I know I should just take care of business and have done with it. I think of what it would be like to carefully push her away and then lift her back onto her feet, to push her down onto the bed and start touching her myself, rubbing her.
I think about Lara moaning and writhing underneath me, think about what it would be like to get her just as hot as I am and then finally, finally, feel what it’s like to slowly slide into her one more time. In my mind she’s soaking wet and hot and just as tight as ever, wrapping around my cock like a glove, moaning as she takes every inch.
Before I know it, I’m right on the edge of climax, working my erection with my hand and a little more soap to keep things slippery, and I sink down onto my knees, groaning again and again as I imagine coming inside of Lara. One shock of pleasure after another wash through me and I’m not even thinking about the fact that I’m in the bathroom jerking myself off, thinking of my sister-in-law. After a few minutes I come back to myself, still panting a little bit from the force of my climax, my cock finally softening.
At least there’s no evidence to get rid of, I think as I slowly get back onto my feet to finish my shower. The water pouring from overhead has washed any traces of what I’ve done down the drain.
Chapter Seventeen
LARA
I’ve finally managed to get Riley to go to sleep by the time Ethan comes over to pick her up. It’s not the best timing, but considering how incredibly stressful the day has been, I care less about messing up her sleep schedule than I do about her getting some sleep.
I’d managed to leave a note on the door for Ethan in the midst of trying to deal with Riley as she screamed and wailed and cried from the discomfort of teething, telling him not to knock, just to come straight in, because I was trying to keep Riley asleep. Thank God, he stops to read the note and manages to step into my apartment as silently as possible, and Riley only stirs a little bit before curling up tighter in her playpen and falling back into a deep sleep.
“Tough day, Lara?”
I nod, sitting down at the kitchen table. Ethan smiles wryly at me.
“I remember Alexis saying teething was the worst,” he says.
“If I’d had any idea how bad it could get…” I shake my head. But no matter how miserable dealing with Riley while she’s teething is, I have to admit that overall I wouldn’t trade taking care of her for anything else in the world. It’s been five months since we’ve started the system of taking care of her on different days, and every day that I see Riley just seems to make me love her more, even if she’s completely and totally exhausting.
“Alexis said that a few times, too,” Ethan tells me with a quiet chuckle. “The first time Riley kept her up all night, the next morning she told me it was my fault completely.”
I snort at that. It’s easy to imagine my sister irritably telling her husband that it’s his fault she had to stay up all night with the baby, not because of any kind of neglect on his part, but because he got her pregnant in the first place.
“I’m sorry I don’t have dinner ready,” I say.
Ethan shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it,” he says.
“I’m going to be up all night making up work I missed,” I say, and close my eyes. “I’d better put the coffee on.”
“Let me do it, and I’ll order you something to eat. How about that?”
I’m shocked at how sweet Ethan is being. Ever since we had our argument about things between me and him, him and Alexis, and me and Alexis, it’s been a little strained. But I have to admit that I’m sort of relieved we had the talk anyway.
“That would be amazing,” I say, scrubbing at my face with my fingertips. “God, I just hope Riley stays asleep for you. She’s been a little monster all day.”
“Yeah, the first time she went through teething, it was miserable,” Ethan says.
“I bet,” I say, shaking my head again. I open my eyes and see him tapping through his phone, looking up something.
“Order whatever you want, I already put in your address,” he says, handing the phone to me. He’s pulled up GrubHub, and I look through the different restaurants that are in my area. I decide after a few minutes to order myself some Indian food.
“Do you want to eat with me? It’ll save you some time tonight after you get home,” I point out. Ethan considers for a moment and takes his phone back, adding his own wants to the order.
I look it over. It’s practically a feast, and thinking of it, my mouth waters. I add a mango lassi and submit the order, handing the phone back to Ethan.
“The first time Riley went through teething, she ran a fever for two days straight and I’m pretty sure Alexis didn’t sleep the whole time,” Ethan says. He shakes his head and stands up.
The coffee maker beeps and I jump up, afraid that Riley’s going to awaken, but she just continues sleeping, under the combined efforts of her own exhaustion and baby Tylenol.
“Sorry, I’ve been trying to get her to get at least a little sleep all day,” I say, sitting back down. Ethan nods his understanding and gets to work pouring me a cup of coffee.
“At least she’s almost done,” he points out, and mentally I count how many teeth Riley has and how many more she should have coming in. They can’t all be this terrible, can they?
“Thank God adult teeth aren’t like this,” I say, accepting the coffee from him. “Help yourself, too,” I add.
“Thanks,” Ethan says, getting another mug down for himself. For a few minutes we sit there in silence drinking coffe
e, and as my brain decompresses a bit from the stresses of the day, I think about what Ethan said about Alexis, and I think about our discussion from before.
“I’ve been thinking,” I say quietly.
Ethan raises an eyebrow at that. “You can think while Riley’s carrying on?”
I smile wryly. “I mean, in general. I guess… it has to be really hard for you, especially hard. With Alexis… dead.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Ethan says. “I haven’t really let myself think about it as much as maybe I should.”
“Why not?”
Ethan shrugs. “It just… I feel like if I let myself really think about it, then I’ll just get overwhelmed and bogged down by it. What good does that do anyone, especially Riley?”
I lick my lips, thinking for a few moments, and take another sip of my coffee. “It’s got to get lonely, though,” I say quietly.
“Lonely?” Ethan raises an eyebrow again and I feel the blood rushing into my cheeks a little bit.
“Well, I mean, I’m lonely and I’m not even used to having a spouse,” I point out.
“You’re lonely? I never would have guessed,” Ethan says.
I laugh, as quietly as I can, remembering that Riley is asleep just in the next room.
“I haven’t been with anyone in… probably a year or more,” I tell him. Ethan’s eyes go wide.
“You haven’t even kissed anyone?”
I shake my head.
“You and Alexis hooking up like you did kind of…” I stop myself. “That, and I’ve been so focused on my career that I just haven’t even really wanted to date. And you kind of need to at least go on a date to kiss someone.”
“There’s Tinder, you know,” Ethan says, his voice dry as a bone.
“I’m not into that,” I say quickly. I look Ethan over for a few moments. Is he on Tinder? The idea of Ethan getting nearly anonymous sex hookups on his phone is sickening to me, even more than it was for him to have been involved with my sister, somehow.
“That makes sense, but it’s not like it would be difficult for you to find someone, if you were really looking,” Ethan says.
“I don’t know,” I say, but my cheeks burn with a blush.
“You’re still beautiful,” Ethan tells me. “Even more beautiful than ever.”
He holds my gaze for a long moment and I can feel my heart beating faster in my chest. I feel the way I used to feel in the days before Ethan and I started dating properly, that giddy, fluttery feeling that I used to love so much.
“Shut up,” I say, but I can’t quite meet his gaze.
Ethan moves, and I don’t stop him, and somehow he’s lifting me out of my seat, and tilting my face up to his, and then we’re kissing. I know it’s wrong, and in the back of my mind, I think that I should make him stop, or at least make myself stop, but I start responding to him almost before I can fully form the thought, before I can control myself.
The kiss deepens, and I feel Ethan’s hands on me. For a few seconds, it’s like cheap time travel, I can remember all too well how it was with Ethan before things went bad between us, before I broke us up. I reach up and wrap my arms around Ethan’s shoulders, and press my body against his. I tremble in Ethan’s grip, and before I know what’s happening, he pushes me against the counter, and the heat of his body sinking into mine feels so good, feels so right and perfect, that I almost can’t stand it.
I pull back all at once as it hits me that what we’re doing isn’t good, or right, or perfect. It’s wrong, and bad, and absolutely flawed. Why am I letting my brother-in-law kiss me like this? With his hands slipping up under my shirt, barely skimming at my breasts? Even more to the point, why should it feel like ripping fishing hooks out of my skin to break away from him? It nearly kills me to make myself stop, even though I know it’s wrong to be kissing a man who only months before I’d sworn I’d never willingly have anything to do with again. A man who was married to my sister, who would still be married to her if she hadn’t died.
“We can’t do this,” I say quietly.
“Do what?” Ethan looks down at me, holding onto my gaze, and it’s so hard not to give into the obvious heat in his eyes. I can almost feel him wanting me, and some part of me desperately wants him, in spite of knowing that I shouldn’t have anything to do with him and in spite of how much I’ve spent the last two years hating the man.
“We can’t get physical,” I tell him.
Ethan frowned in confusion at my point.
“Why not?”
I glance in the direction of the living room, where Riley is, thankfully, still asleep.
“We have to think about Riley. We can’t keep clear-headed about each other, and make good decisions about Riley, if we make things complicated between us.” I push him away from me gently, and Ethan steps back. Thank God, we got this out of the way before the food got here, I think, only belatedly realizing that the delivery guy should be at my door at any minute.
“We can still make good decisions for Riley if we get physical,” Ethan counters.
I shake my head.
“Things are way too complicated as it is. We can’t afford to make that worse,” I say firmly. I step away from Ethan and sit back down, my head still spinning with what had happened between us.
Chapter Eighteen
ETHAN
“Riley is settling into her new routine pretty well,” my mom says as we get started on dinner.
“She really is,” I agree, glancing over at my daughter. Riley’s long since stopped asking about her mother altogether, which should probably worry me, but for right now I’m just relieved at not having to find a way to explain something that my daughter won’t be able to actually comprehend for several years.
“How are things going with the partnership between you and Lara? I know there’s been some tension,” my dad remarks.
I shrug. “Lara and I are doing fine. She’s great with Riley, and manages to get her back to me on time every drop-off, and she’s always ready to go when I come to pick her up,” I say.
“Her father seems to think there’s a problem,” Mom says, glancing from me to Riley.
“It’s not a big deal,” I tell her, dismissing the idea with a wave.
“I heard from my friend, who works down at the courts, that Nathan’s been making some inquiries about Lara getting sole custody of Riley,” Dad says a bit more firmly.
I’m shocked, but not surprised. Nathan was never my biggest fan. I look at my daughter. She’s too young to even know what the words are about, but she can read the mood pretty easily, and slows down her eating.
“Let’s save this for a time when our little girl isn’t listening,” I suggest.
“She’s too young to understand, anyway,” Mom says dismissively.
“Nathan can want what he wants, it doesn’t matter,” I tell my parents.
“You don’t think he’s going to be able to convince Lara? She only has him left in her family,” Dad points out.
“She’s also told him pretty upfront that the situation we’ve got is what Alexis wanted, and that’s the important thing,” I counter.
Riley starts to fuss, and I know if my parents aren’t going to drop the topic, I need to at least get her into her playpen and away from the discussion. I clean her face and hands and lift her out of her high chair.
“I’ll be back,” I tell my parents, and take my daughter into the living room just off the dining area. I give her one of her toys and set her in her playpen, while I’m away from my parents I take my phone out to text Lara.
My parents are going on about your dad wanting to pull some kind of legal bullshit?
I know a little bit about what Lara’s said to her dad, but I’d had no idea that Nathan was actually pushing for any kind of court ruling.
I know Lara’s at dinner with her father, because she’d told me so. Nathan seems to be lonely, and I can’t blame her for wanting to spend time with her father, who has no one else in the world really other than he
r. My parents at least have each other.
I slip my phone into my pocket and go back to the table where my parents are still eating. I pick at my food, trying to think about what to say.
“It’s not a big deal,” I tell them finally.
“We just want to make sure that you’re paying attention. That you’re prepared in case Nathan takes some kind of stand,” Dad says.
“It’s a non-issue. If Nathan tries something legally, he’s going to need Lara’s backing, and he doesn’t have it,” I insist.
“If you’re sure,” Mom says doubtfully.
I look at her for a long moment.
“What do you mean by that?”
She shrugs.
“I just know that Lara and you had history, and that when you and Alexis got together…” she lets the sentence die off.
“It might be easier than you think for Nathan to convince his daughter that she should have full custody of your daughter,” Dad says, and I’m not sure whether he’s finishing Mom’s sentence or making his own point.
“Let’s just change the subject,” I say, glancing back into the living room at my daughter.
Riley’s playing with her toys, totally oblivious to our conversation, and I can only hope she stays that way. I make a mental plan to get back to my house as quickly as possible, even if it’ll be lonely with nobody but me there. My parents planned to keep Riley until I can pick her up after work the next day.
My phone buzzes in my pocket but I can’t look at it. I try to keep my parents’ minds off the topic of my father-in-law or the possible ways he might be influencing my sister-in-law to come against me for custody of my daughter. But even as I tell Mom and Dad about work and about Riley’s new milestones, in the back of my mind I can’t help but wonder if maybe they’re right that Nathan would be able to convince Lara more than I would.
