by Lulu Pratt
I shake my head.
“Now is not the time to have this conversation. People are going to start arriving in like, thirty minutes,” I say.
“So, thirty minutes from now is not the time, then. You can’t just say something like that and expect me not to want you to explain,” Ethan counters.
“You broke my heart, Ethan. Do you really expect me to jump right back into the fire after I’ve been burned?”
“Why do you think I’m going to hurt you? And how the hell did I break your heart? You broke up with me, remember?”
“Were you always attracted to her?” I cross my arms over my chest. “And everyone who comes today is going to be thinking about how I shut her out of my life for so long, and how petty it was, or something like that.”
“If it wasn’t petty why should that bother you?” Ethan gestures broadly with his hands.
“Because I’m going to have to stand around with a smile plastered on my face for the next two hours pretending like I don’t know they’re all whispering to each other about me,” I say firmly.
“Call them out! What the hell is wrong with that?” Ethan shakes his head.
“What’s wrong with that is that I’m not about to make my niece’s second birthday party all about me. It’s bad enough that everyone’s going to try to make it about her dead mom,” I tell him.
“Then why did you even plan this enormous thing?” Ethan’s gestures get broader and he points to the shelter, the pony off to the side, the face painter setting up, all the things we’d discussed and finally agreed on.
“Because her birthday is important, and I want her to have a good day,” I reply.
“And she’s going to have a good day while you’re bitching to yourself the whole time about how everyone’s going to think you’re petty for cutting her mother out of your life?” Ethan raises an eyebrow, and I feel my anger building into a head of steam inside of me. I can barely contain it.
“We wouldn’t even be having this discussion if you’d managed to just stay the hell away from my sister,” I say, the words leaving me almost before I can fully think them.
“Oh, Jesus Christ. I slept with your sister. She got pregnant. We got married and had a baby. You’re complaining about how everyone’s going to make this about you and Alexis and here you are doing that already!”
“No! I’m making this about you, because it is about you,” I counter, standing up and barely managing to keep myself from slamming my car door shut.
“Why the hell is it about me?” Ethan stares at me.
“Everyone’s trying to figure out if you and I are going to get back together now that Alexis is dead, and they’re going to be thinking how screwed up this whole thing is, and it’s all because you couldn’t just move on with your life after we broke up and just… ran to my sister, or something,” I say, managing, at the last moment, to keep my voice under a shout.
“You’re the one who can’t move on with your life,” Ethan counters.
“I am?”
Ethan laughs bitterly. “You pushed Alexis and me both out of your life. If you had such an issue with me dating someone else, why did you break up with me? We were over.” Ethan shakes his head.
“If you really wanted to move on with your life, why did you fuck her in the first place? Why didn’t you just avoid everyone connected with me?” I cross my arms over my chest and pin Ethan down with a stare.
“Why should I do that?” Ethan shakes his head again.
“I did it, why couldn’t you?” I feel my eyes stinging and I blink a few times, looking away from Ethan. I’ll be damned if I’m going to ruin my mascara right before people start coming to the party. I’m not about to sit in my car and try to fix it, either. I take a deep breath, trying to settle my nerves and get my temper under control.
“It’s going to be fine,” Ethan says.
I close my eyes for a moment and take another deep breath.
“Let’s just focus on the party. Maybe we should give each other some space,” I tell him, opening my eyes and meeting his gaze.
“Yeah, that sounds good,” Ethan agrees. I check to make sure I have my key fob and then lock the car, and turn away from him to go back to where the party will start in a matter of minutes.
Chapter Twenty-Six
ETHAN
“Riley’s getting so big,” one of Alexis’ friends from high school, Giselle, says, beaming at me as she bites into a nugget of fried macaroni and cheese.
“She really is,” I agree, nodding. There are a handful of men at my daughter’s birthday party, but most of them are related to her. I was only able to convince two guys from work to come out for the thing, and I can’t really talk to them about what’s on my mind.
“It’s good to see her so happy,” Giselle adds.
“I’m glad we could put this together for her. She deserves it,” I tell her, falling back on what I know is the polite thing to say.
“It must have been tense for you and Lara to figure out how to manage it all,” Giselle says.
Almost against my will, I glance across the shelter, where Lara’s chatting with the couple of work friends she convinced to come to the party.
“Not really, once we figured out what our budget was going to be, it was pretty easy,” I say.
“I mean, I know I went out of my mind on Leo when we were planning the twins’ birthday,” Giselle says. “I can’t imagine working with someone who isn’t even your spouse on something like this.”
“I think it’s actually easier,” I tell her, trying to find a way out of the conversation. I have to admit, even if I hate it, that Lara had a point in her big blow up right before the party started. Everyone seems to be hinting at Alexis or her death, or the prior connection that Lara and I had, without coming right out and saying anything directly.
“I’m glad to hear that you two are working out how to take care of Riley together,” Giselle says.
I do my polite smiling nod again and look around.
“She’s been really great with Riley, but we knew she would be. That’s why we included it in the will,” I say absently.
“It does seem a little weird to me that Alexis would insist on Lara taking care of Riley if you’re still alive, even,” Giselle says.
I shrug off the question. “She knew how much Lara loves Riley, and she figured that Riley would need a steady, motherly presence in her life and a connection to her mother’s family. The death of Alexis’ mother last year made us realize the importance of family and that a connection was needed. Her death also spurred us get our own affairs in order, especially as we had Riley to think about,” I say. It’s almost word-for-word the reasoning that we agreed on for the will. There’s no reason for Giselle to know anything else about why Alexis wanted things to be the way they are.
“I guess you probably aren’t dating much. I know Lara hasn’t, or at least no one’s heard of her dating much,” Giselle says.
“We’re both way too busy with working and taking care of Riley for anything like that,” I say, and I hope that she takes the message underneath my words. That we’re not getting back together with each other, either.
A lot of people seem to think it’s just going to happen, but they don’t want to actually say it. And of course, Lara dropped some kind of mention of something like that in our fight before the party, but I’d thought she was crazy then. Not anymore. It’s totally ridiculous that anyone would think that there’s some plan for me and Lara to get back together, but I can, kind of, at least, see why. But I can also see why Lara’s been keeping her distance from me even more than she strictly has to, all during the party.
“Okay everyone! It’s cake time!” Lara calls out.
I say a little silent prayer of thanks as Lara summons everyone back to the main table, where the caterer is bringing out the cake, topped with two sparklers and a big number two birthday candle. The caterer’s assistant lights everything and my mom brings Riley to the table as we all start
singing happy birthday.
Everyone makes space for Lara and me to stand together and I keep my smile on my face as we finish singing to Riley.
“Blow out the candle, baby doll,” I say, and Riley frowns for a second in confusion and then does it, beaming once everyone cheers her. The caterers carefully take out the candle and the spent sprinklers, and start carving up the cake, and I drift away from Lara before anyone can think anything is going on between us.
We’re definitely going to have to talk, really talk, after the fight we had, but for the time being it’s best for both of us to avoid each other as much as possible. So, we make sure that Riley gets the first slice of the big cake, and my dad takes pictures as she digs into it with a combined attack using her hand and a spoon, and I accept my own slice to eat.
The party finally starts to wind down and we manage to get Riley to sit still long enough to open her presents. Lara occupies herself bringing the presents to Riley and I sit next to my little girl, helping her while everyone watches the three of us. It feels like they’re all waiting for something to happen, and I guess in a way I am too. But there’s no way I’m going to talk to Lara unless I absolutely have to, apart from being just generally pleasant to her. There’s just too much going on.
At last, the party’s over, at least formally. Everyone’s starting to head out now that the presents are opened and the cake is gone. Some of Alexis’ and my friends hang out a bit longer to get their kids good and tired out so they’ll nap on the car ride home, and I hang out off to the side, waiting for time to clean up.
Lara’s not even waiting, though. She starts clearing as soon as people begin leaving, talking to the caterer about what to do with leftovers and all that. It’s like she can’t stand to sit still, and I can understand.
“You two carried this party off really well,” one of Alexis’ friends, Jess, says to me as she sits down. “I offered to help but Lara said she has it under control.”
I laugh a bit. “Yeah, that’s her all right,” I agree.
“How much of the party was her and how much was you?”
I shrug off the question. “We contributed pretty evenly at the end of the day,” I say.
“This is even bigger than Riley’s first birthday,” Jess points out. I can hear a tone in her voice, but I don’t know what it is.
“Well, she’s more likely to remember this one, after all,” I tell her.
“True, and after losing her mom like that it’s probably good for her to have a big, fun blowout like this,” Jess muses.
“We figured it would be a good way to kind of show that life goes on, that we’re all kind of… we miss Alexis, but we’re putting one foot in front of the other.” I’ve told probably a dozen people this over the course of the past two hours, but it feels less like we’re putting one foot in front of another and more like we keep tripping over the same step over and over again. Not that it’s anyone’s business.
“Smart,” Jess says. I glance at her, and there’s something on her face that I don’t have any idea how to read.
“We’re all kind of settling in,” I say, just for the sake of saying something.
“I’ll bet you’ll be wanting to get out there, not right away, of course, but eventually. Find someone to share the daily responsibilities and all that,” Jess says.
I raise an eyebrow at that. “I’m not in any real hurry. I can’t replace Alexis, you know?” I hope that Jess goes to all of Alexis’ friends and tells my dead wife’s whole circle that I’m not in a rush to get involved with anyone, not even Lara. I’m more than a little shaken at the idea that half our friends from school seem to think I’ve forgotten Alexis so soon.
“It’s got to be stressful though,” Jess says.
I shrug again. “Lara’s great with Riley and has her about half the week. My parents and Nathan are chipping in too. We’re eventually going to have to sort things out more permanently, but we’re all taking our time to grieve.”
“Just make sure you’re not in a hurry about anything, even just making sure Riley is in preschool or whatever. Take your time,” Jess says.
I smile wryly at her.
“I don’t need that advice, but I appreciate the concern. I should help Lara,” I say, more to get away from her than anything else.
Lara stiffens a bit when I walk up and I’m glad most of the people at the party have already left. I look around a bit to make sure no one’s eavesdropping, at least obviously, and hold out my hand to her. She shakes it, giving me a confused look.
“The party came off well,” I say.
Lara relaxes. “I managed to dodge most of the questions,” she says, smiling wryly.
“We need to have another sit-down talk soon. We can’t fight like we did earlier,” I tell her lowly.
“Once we’ve settled back in after this party,” Lara says.
“Definitely. We’ll get the grandparents to take her for a night and just hash everything out, once and for all,” I agree.
“In the meantime, do you want to take down the bunting? I can do it, but the ladder scares me a bit.”
I laugh. “Yeah, I can do that,” I tell her, and go to get the ladder to get to work. At least if I’m working on taking decorations down, people will leave me alone, which is what I want right now.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
LARA
My phone rings just as I’m parking my car in the lot by my apartment, and when I see that it’s Dad, I hesitate. It’s been a week since Riley’s second birthday party, and Dad has been on his best behavior since I told him that if he didn’t keep his mouth shut about Ethan, I was going to cut him out of both my and Riley’s lives.
“Hey Dad,” I say, after finally deciding to pick it up. “I’m just getting home from work. What’s up?”
“I wanted to make sure that you knew before anyone else,” Dad says, and I feel my stomach twist inside of me with a kind of foreboding.
“What’s going on?” I know, somehow, that whatever is happening is not going to be something that I will want, or like, or appreciate.
“I just got out of a lawyer’s office, and I’ve filed paperwork with the family courts,” Dad says. The phone nearly slips out of my hand. I know I should have expected that just because he was acting polite and keeping things civil, Dad is still bitter and resentful to Ethan for, in his opinion, ruining everything and killing Alexis. But I had hoped that at least there wouldn’t be a lawyer foolish enough to enable him. It isn’t foolish to want to make money off an old fool, I think bitterly.
“Dad, God. What did you file paperwork for?” I cover my eyes with my free hand and shake my head.
“I’m requesting that full custody be transferred to you,” Dad says. I groan and let my head fall back against the headrest on the driver’s seat. In one fell swoop he’s managed to exceed my expectations for how badly he could possibly screw up things.
“How in the world do you think any court in this country is going to go along with you on that for even a second?” I want to point out to him that he’s practically spitting on Alexis’ grave doing this, but I know he won’t see it that way.
“I’m arguing that between the two of us, we can make a stable home for her, which your arrangement with Ethan won’t do,” Dad explains.
“What?” I can hear the pride in Dad’s voice and it just spurs a deeper anger in me.
“You can move back home, and work full time, without having to spend a couple of days a week working from the house, and I can take care of Riley during the day,” Dad says.
“Dad, do you really think that any court in his country is going to deny a father access to his daughter? His motherless daughter? Especially when he’s clearly a good father?”
“I think when the court hears about how much Ethan has screwed up this family, and how unstable he’s going to make his daughter’s life, they’ll find in our favor,” Dad replies.
“I can’t believe you,” I tell him. I shake my head, even though I
know he can’t see me. “I really can’t believe you, Dad. How could you do something like this?” I take a breath.
“It’s what’s best for Riley, and Ethan doesn’t deserve to win!” Dad shouts through the phone.
I cringe at the fact that Dad still, somehow, thinks of Ethan’s situation as him “winning” anything. No matter how much I might be pissed off at Ethan still for what happened with my sister, or all the other baggage we have, I wouldn’t say at all that he’s “won” anything.
“Dad, I am furious that you’ve pulled this. I can’t even talk to you right now.”
I end the call and toss my phone in my purse, trying to think about what I should do to deal with this situation. Every nerve in my body seems to be firing off in spasms as I walk back to the building and head for my apartment.
The first thing I need to do is call Ethan. If Dad wanted me to know first, then I owe it to Ethan to let him know second. I manage to find my phone in my purse just after I get into my apartment. I toss my purse onto the kitchen counter, find Ethan’s number, kick off my shoes and throw myself down on the living room couch all in a matter of a few moments. As soon as I hear Ethan’s voice, I start talking.
“You will not believe what my crazy fucking father has done,” I say.
“What? Hold on, let me take you off speaker. I want to hear this, but I don’t want to risk Riley hearing it,” he says.
“My father has apparently found a lawyer who’s willing to take his money in exchange for filing paperwork to give me full custody of Riley,” I say once Ethan gives me the go-ahead.
“What?” I hear him catch himself and wonder just how close Riley is to him. I should have gotten better control over myself before I called him, but I didn’t have the time. I didn’t have the patience, either.
“Dad just called me and said that he and a lawyer filed paperwork to try to get me full custody of Riley, with some bullshit argument about how if I move in with him and Riley comes with me we can, him and I, give her a solid home life instead of ferrying her back and forth,” I explain.
