by Hadley Quinn
“Don’t even think what?”
I could actually see where she was headed in this conversation but I don’t believe I was ready for it. I asked, but I didn’t think she’d say it out loud. But no matter what, this was a step in the right direction. All I’d ever wanted was a conversation with her, and despite how upset and confused I still was, I knew I would let her say whatever it was she needed to say.
I just knew she wasn’t going to right now. Asking me for another chance was not something she was going to do today.
Aubrey stood from the couch. “I should get going. I have dinner with my parents. Um, I’m staying with them if…if you want to talk some more. I know you don’t owe me another conversation but…I’d like to talk again.”
I could only nod. I didn’t even get up to walk her out, I just waited for her to leave on her own. Somewhat numb, I remained on the couch, staring at the wall. Over a year had passed and I hadn’t so much as seen her face in person. All those times I’d dream about her—fantasize about her coming back—consisted of kissing and hugging and a lot of makeup sex.
Tonight it hadn’t even crossed my mind.
15
For two days, I kept to myself and barely spoke to anyone. At work, I’d do the basics but put nothing more than I had to into a conversation. I turned my brother down twice when he wanted to go out for beers, and on the third day, he showed up at my house.
“Okay, what the fuck is going on?” Trent asked after he walked right into my house.
I happened to be sitting in the living room on the couch—the same place I’d been sitting when Aubrey came over; the same place we’d also fucked more than a dozen times; the same place I’d sat and played my guitar for a two-year-old…
Good God, my life was a disaster.
“Aubrey is back in town,” I answered.
Trent made a gagging sound and dropped into the recliner. “Please tell me she didn’t have the nerve to come by here.”
I didn’t answer.
“Fuck,” he hissed, shaking his head. Leaning forward onto his knees he added, “Matty, don’t be a fucking putz, okay? Don’t let her do this to you again!”
“She’s different,” I replied vacantly. “Something’s different.”
“Yeah it’s called humility. She knows she fucked up and she’ll beg for your mercy if she has to. Don’t fucking give it to her, man. Do. Not. Do. This. Again.”
I knew my brother had a point, but because he and Aubrey had never gotten along in the first place, I wasn’t sure how selfish his advice was.
I told him everything Aubrey told me, and even though I didn’t expect him to have an ounce of sympathy, he did seem a bit affected that she’d lost a child. I’ll admit that surprised me. Trent wasn’t a completely heartless jerk, but he was pretty set on hating Aubrey because of what she’d done to me. And normally I wouldn’t have shared such a thing, but my brother knew every bit of my history with her and I knew he wouldn’t tell anyone.
“I get that you feel sorry for her,” he finally said, “but don’t let it blind you, man. She fucked up and feels guilty for it, I get it, but where she’s at in her life right now is not your damn problem.”
I actually agreed with him for once, but the fact that I had such a history with the only girl I had ever loved…made it hard to be indifferent. Her life did affect me, and I would probably always be affected by her in some way. I didn’t know where I’d be in five, ten, twenty-five years…but I knew my life with Aubrey will always mean something to me.
“She was going to ask me for another chance,” I said quietly. I looked at Trent and his eyebrows were raised.
“No shit?”
I nodded. “I mean…I could sense it, but then she withdrew. Felt it was too soon.”
“You think?” he scoffed. Shaking his head he added, “You know I’m trying not to be a dick here right?”
“I know you can’t help it.”
He smiled but then turned serious. “No, man, I know how hard this is for you and…I really am sorry for all the shit I’ve put you through over it. All I’ve wanted was for you to be happy. What she did to you…you didn’t deserve that. You’re a good guy—the best—so to see someone do that to you… It just makes me bitter. Angry. Is there no reward for a guy like you that deserves to have someone make him happy? I envy you, man, but I really couldn’t be you. I don’t have the ability to forgive.”
I didn’t think that was true. Trent and I had been through a lot of shit and we both loved and respected each other even after all of it. He did have a good heart; he just needed a good woman to give him reason to use it.
“So what are you gonna do?” he asked.
Shaking my head, I stared across the room and then flipped on the television to find a game. “I have no idea.”
“What about Clare?”
Clare. I’d left her house two days ago to find Aubrey at my front door. She’d texted me that night to see if I was coming back for dinner, but all I could do was tell her it wasn’t a good night.
We hadn’t spoken since.
“Does Clare know about Aubrey?” Trent asked.
Teetering my head from side-to-side, I answered, “Yeah, somewhat. She doesn’t know she came back though.”
“And?”
I knew what he was asking; I just didn’t want to address it. I didn’t even know my own game plan, which made it less than thrilling to talk about.
“I don’t know where I stand with Clare, and I don’t know what to do about Aubrey,” I admitted.
“Well aren’t you and Clare in…what are those things called? A relationship?”
I smiled at his sarcasm, but shook my head. “She doesn’t seem like the type.”
Trent’s mouth dropped open. “Seriously? She’s not trying to find a daddy for her kids?”
I shook my head but failed to answer out loud. No, Clare didn’t seem that way. I wasn’t sure if it was because she was so independent, or there was actually a reason she wanted to stay single. We hadn’t exactly gotten into deep conversations like that yet.
“Invite her to Danny’s birthday party,” Trent said resolutely with a sharp nod.
I gave him a watchful eye. “Why? And she’s got two kids, not exactly appropriate for where you’re having his celebration.”
He chuckled. “I’ll help you find her a babysitter.”
Trent had ulterior motives here, that was for sure. He was trying to keep me away from Aubrey by suddenly being receptive and inviting to Clare.
“I’ll think about it,” I answered, and that was that.
We watched baseball for the rest of the night without any mention of a female. I was tired enough to fall asleep on the couch, so when I woke in the middle of the night, my brother was gone. I staggered to my room and barely woke up to my alarm two hours later. Work seemed to drag on, and even though it felt good to complete the current project we were building, I still felt unsettled.
I never did try to get a hold of Aubrey. It took everything in my power to not stop by her parents’ house or call over there, but I felt it was the right thing to do. I was still in shock over seeing her after so long, and especially hearing what she had to say. I tried putting myself in her shoes, and even though I didn’t feel I would have ever made the choices she did, it wasn’t for me to judge. What happened is what happened and there was nothing I could do to change that.
I could, however, choose to make peace with that part of my life, and after thinking about it during the week, I’d made a decision.
After work on Friday night, I stopped by the Harris home. Well, it was practically a mini mansion and I’d always been slightly intimidated by it. Not in the fact that I felt it was better than I could ever do, but because it was something I never wanted. It was uncomfortable being in that house with all of its perfect order and fancy décor. It felt cold and uninviting, and not something I ever wanted for my own home.
Mrs. Harris was shocked to see me when she opened the front
door. Aubrey was right behind her, and I didn’t miss her look either. It was crossed between surprise and relief, and I wasn’t sure what to think about that.
She led me to the back of the house to the sunroom, and after declining something to eat or drink, she motioned for me to sit down on one of those horribly uncomfortable wicker loveseats.
“I’m happy to see you,” she finally said after some awkward silence.
I barely bobbed my head in response.
She cleared her throat, and upon realizing that I should be the one speaking since I stopped by, I figured I should get it over with.
“Look, I know a lot has happened in the past fifteen months, and I can’t say it’s for one reason or another. But…I don’t want there to be any ill feelings between us, okay?”
Her eyes were hopeful, happy even, and I felt like I was giving her the wrong impression right off the bat.
“I’m not ready to pretend nothing has happened,” I added quickly. “Let’s be clear about that. I do, however, still forgive you for everything, and with that, I’m still apologetic for my part in any of it. Maybe I was oblivious and too comfortable with what I thought was going to be me and you forever. I see that, now. I got too cozy and probably lacked any effort to keep things going between us—”
“Matt, that’s not it,” she sighed, shaking her head.
“Then what the hell is ‘it’,” I asked. “What makes a person look somewhere else for happiness? If I wasn’t making you happy—”
“I made a mistake, Matt,” she interrupted angrily. “It was a mistake and the circumstances from it made me…”
“Made you what?” I questioned somewhat resentfully.
“Made me think there was a different path for me,” she sighed. “One night, Matt. That’s all it took to change my life. It made me question everything with you. If you and I were meant to be together, then why would something like that happen?”
“Maybe to test your resolve?” I challenged bitterly.
She licked her lower lip and barely nodded. “Yeah, I hear you. And again, I’m more than sorry I chose wrong. I see that now, but I can’t change what happened.”
“Would you? If you could go back, would you change things?”
I thought for sure she would immediately say yes, but she didn’t. Her eyes were full of moisture as she looked right into mine, and if I’d made her cry, I wasn’t sure why.
Until she gave it to me straight.
“I was a mother,” she barely whispered, blinking tears down her cheeks. “I carried a little boy for eight-and-a-half-months, gave birth to him, and held his dead body against my chest for two hours. I was a mother.” She paused for several seconds as she wiped away her tears. “I would never give that up for anything.”
I could barely hear that last sentence but it affected me. She hadn’t wanted kids right away with me—it was the one thing we disagreed on from the start—but even though I knew she would ultimately win that debate between the two of us, I had always felt she would change her mind if she ever got pregnant.
I was right, but it didn’t feel very assuring at the moment.
“I’m sorry you had to suffer that heartache, Aubrey. But I’m also glad you got to experience that kind of joy only a mom can have. Or…so I’ve heard.”
I smiled and got one from her in return. It was actually good to see her smile.
With a sigh, she stared pensively across the room. “I really don’t understand it all, you know,” she said. Looking directly at me she added, “How life changes like that. When I first found out I was pregnant… God, I bawled for hours because I knew it wasn’t yours. And the sick part of all of it…all I wanted to do was come to you, lay my head on your chest, and cry some more. I just couldn’t. I hated myself. I didn’t deserve that from you, and after some time had passed, I realized I didn’t deserve anything with you.”
When you watch someone that you’ve always admired take a crash landing, it’s somewhat shocking. Aubrey had always been confident, on-top-of-the-world, and generally in control of anything she was a part of. I’d always thought of myself as the lucky one; the one that caught the uncatchable.
I guess I never completely had her in the first place.
Seeing her now—knocked down a few notches and vulnerable—was new to me. This entire situation was new to me. I didn’t quite know my role here. There was a part of me that wanted to say all is forgiven and just walk away, but the other part of me felt that could be a huge mistake.
She didn’t trust that I could handle it the first time; was this our chance at a do-over?
I slowly stood, and even though I was staring out the window as I did, I could feel Aubrey watching me. “Are you here for good?” I asked, still looking away.
“Yeah,” she answered softly. “I’m working for my dad again but…probably not for long. I’m doing it to get back on my feet again, but it’s not what I want.”
I barely nodded. “And what is it that you want?”
There was a length of silence, the only sound being the sprinkler watering the lawn out back. I still couldn’t look at her. I didn’t know why, but refusing to give her that felt like the only leverage I had right now.
“I don’t care where I live, how much money I have, how many things I own…” she finally said. “I just want to be with you.”
And there it was. She’d admitted it and I still didn’t want to look at her. I bit back a sigh that would have been very mixed with frustration, sadness, anger and…a bit of relief, I guess. A month ago I may have given her a second chance but…a lot had changed since then.
Turning for the door I replied over my shoulder, “I can’t give you that right now.”
16
Given the chance, if you could go back in time to fix things with Aubrey, would you? Knowing you’d never meet Clare, would you go back and change that?
My brother’s words had been haunting me. I don’t know why he had to go fucking with my life some more, but he’d asked me that the other night when we were playing ball with the guys.
I didn’t have an answer then and I didn’t have an answer now.
Avoiding Clare was not something I had planned on doing. It’d been five days since I last saw her, and even though we weren’t exclusive or anything, I wondered why she hadn’t called or stopped by. Normally I’d catch her out walking with the twins when I’d come home from work. I’d sit on my porch with a cigarette and she would pass by at some point. She never came close in order to keep her kids away from my tobacco, but we’d at least have a conversation or agreement to meet up.
Today I sat on my porch, staring into space. I’d been home from work for almost an hour but was too tired to even eat anything. That fucking orchid mocked me from its stand and I resentfully crushed my cigarette into the soil because of it. I almost wished I’d killed it off a long time ago.
“You look a bit forlorn,” a familiar voice spoke.
I hadn’t even seen Clare approach but she was now stepping onto my porch. I briefly looked her over, trying not to stare too much. It was almost like seeing a new version of her for some reason. I mean she looked the same but…better?
“Hey,” I greeted, sitting back in my chair. I motioned to the one next to her and she took a seat. “Where are your rugrats?”
With her head, she motioned toward her house. “With David. We just got back from the zoo but I just needed to get out by myself for a few minutes.”
I felt instant jealousy wash through my body because they’d gone to the zoo without me. I knew they did most everything without me, but what was it about hearing that that made me tense? Maybe the fact that David got to spend time with them instead?
“That sounds fun,” I casually replied. “Did the girls enjoy it?”
“Oh yes,” she nodded instantly. “Well, for the most part.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Who had a meltdown?”
Clare blew a strand of hair from her face and replied, “Me.”
Biting her lip, she tucked a leg up under her. “Meh, it was just a bit…stressful. I guess I lost my patience.”
I nodded, but waited for her to elaborate. She only looked at me and shrugged.
“Did you get any pictures?” I asked.
She smiled and then chuckled. “Yeah, but just one.” Pulling out her phone, she scrolled through it until she found one. “Not very model-esque.”
It was a picture of…well, one of the twins. I couldn’t tell which one but she wasn’t too happy that David was trying to hold her so they got the giraffe in the background.
“Mia?” I took a chance.
“Yeah,” Clare laughed. “She was perfectly content all day in the stroller until that moment.”
I nodded but didn’t have a response. Being jealous of that asshole was making me look like a weak ass piece of shit.
“So what have you been up to?” she asked, putting her phone away. “You’ve been M.I.A.”
“Yeah, I know.”
I figured it was best to just tell her about Aubrey, so I did. I’m not sure why it felt so comfortable talking to her about it, but it did. I guess I knew she’d be easier on me than my brother would be, and maybe I needed that. There was no way I could know how she’d respond, but I didn’t expect her to give me the advice she gave.
“If you really can see a change in her and can tell she’s being sincere, then what’s holding you back?” she asked.
I stared at that fucking orchid for some reason. It looked fuller than ever. In fact, I’d never seen it with so many blossoms before. I’d wanted it to be symbolic in a way, to reassure me that everything would be fine after Aubrey came back. Now I wondered why I had relied on something so stupid.
“You don’t know?” Clare asked when I still hadn’t answered.
I gave her a side-glance and then became fixed on her. Those silver eyes were staring at me, waiting for an answer. Normally her interest in listening to me was welcomed. Now it felt awkward to be having this conversation with the girl I’d been sleeping with, but obviously she didn’t exactly put much weight on it like I did.
