by Hadley Quinn
Today, when I picked her up from her parents’ house, Aubrey was full of smiles as she got into my truck. I had food in the backseat all ready to go, but once I pulled away from her house, I took a different route. I don’t even know why, I just decided not to head north. Instead, I drove to a nice park a few minutes away and we sat down on a blanket to face the lake.
“This is really nice,” she said, stretching her legs out in front of her. “Perfect timing too, before it gets too warm.”
The only time she ever liked the heat was when she was in a bikini to sunbathe. Even then she had a problem if she got too hot. I thought of all the times I’d come home from working in ninety-plus degree weather and Aubrey was complaining that the house didn’t have air conditioning while she made dinner. I finally convinced the landlord that I rented from to install a basic unit, but I had to pay for half of it.
It made my girl happy, so I didn’t really care at the time.
“Yeah, it’s supposed to be close to triple digits by the end of this week,” I said.
“Oh my God, I’ll melt,” she laughed. Then she looked at me and said, “I don’t like that you have to work in that.”
“Meh, I’ve gotten used to it. It helps getting to work before six to start earlier.”
She nodded as she peeked into the bag of food. “Mmm, pasta salad. That looks amazing.”
“Eat if you’re hungry.”
“Nah, I can wait.”
That was unusual of Aubrey. The girl practically ate six times a day. Not full meals—she called it ‘grazing’—but she couldn’t stand being hungry.
I realized she had other things on her mind when she turned toward me and said, “Tell me how things are going. Work, music, everything. What’s been keeping you busy?”
It was nothing interesting, but I told her about the three-story house we’d be starting on Monday, and I mentioned the band I was impressed by. She asked me more about that, the music aspect, so I talked a little more on that subject.
“You really should be writing more, Matt. You’re such an amazing artist.”
“Thanks. But I enjoy a mix of things that I do. I don’t want to do music full time.”
“Why not? You used to love that, doing different shows, writing, composing… What’s changed?”
I actually thought about that for a moment, but really didn’t need much time to discover the answer. “Nothing, actually. That’s how I’ve always felt, Aubrey, and I’ve told you that. Several times.”
She gave me a sympathetic smile. “You don’t have to be afraid of failure. Sometimes you have to fail several times before you make it successful.”
“What do you consider failure to be?” I asked.
“Just…being rejected by labels and stuff. Not getting as far as you want in the timeline you expect. Not really failures just…disappointments, I guess.”
“I’ve never been disappointed.”
Silence ensued between us. I’d spoken directly to her as I said that, and she returned the eye contact.
“I’ve never been disappointed, Aubrey,” I repeated.
“Okay,” she said softly.
“Do you really understand that, though,” I stated. “I mean we’ve had this conversation several times before, like you don’t actually believe that I do not want to be some idolized rock star. I do not want that, Aubrey. Do you get that?”
“Yes, okay,” she exhaled with frustration. “Yes, I understand.”
“And is that good enough for you?”
I really didn’t know if I wanted an answer to that or not, but besides that, what was her answer going to mean to me?
“You act like I’ve never supported you, Matt. I’ve always encouraged you to pursue anything you wanted.”
That wasn’t true, and I knew it without a doubt. Looking back, I could see it. Hindsight is 20/20.
“Okay,” she sighed, noticing the look on my face. “I’ll admit I’ve always been a bit…hard on you. But it’s because you have so much potential. You’re way more talented than half of these big stars that get signed with record deals and it makes me mad. I just see how good you are and want you to have that if you want it.”
“But I don’t.”
Pause. “You honestly don’t want to sign with a record label and tour? Play in front of thousands of people? Share all of that—who you are—with everyone that would fall in love with your music?”
I shook my head. “No, I do not want that.”
“What part of it scares you?”
“None of it scares me. Crowds? Not a big deal. Performing in front of them? No biggie either.”
“The pressure?”
It was my turn to pause. “That’s probably what turns me off the most. I don’t want to be told what to do or what kind of music to make.”
“Then find someone to work with that won’t change you.”
That really wasn’t the issue. I could handle work demands and every day challenges just fine, but I really had no desire to take my music to someone “big” and be told it’s not what they want.
Rejection. I guess I was afraid of rejection. I didn’t want someone to tell me that the music I enjoyed creating wasn’t good enough. But even so, I still didn’t want that lifestyle. I didn’t want to be traveling everywhere, away from my family two-thirds of the year. I wanted my fucking house on my three acres and I wanted kids. That was the bottom line.
“My goals in life still haven’t changed,” I told Aubrey, looking her right in the eye. “They still have not changed.”
She knew what I meant. The house out of the city. Kids. Those are the things that had always come between us, and yes, I guess I did go with what I wanted and didn’t regard her feelings because I bought the damn land anyway.
“I got a job with Mercer,” she said out of the blue.
I guess it related to what we were talking about since the conversation gradually painted a better picture for me. Mercer and Associates was the biggest law firm next to her father’s. I knew Aubrey loved the legal system and I wasn’t surprised she’d sought such a prestigious transfer.
“Congratulations,” I told her sincerely.
“Thanks. It’ll be a lot harder but…I look forward to the challenge. I’m just saying it pays a lot better too, and, well…”
I wasn’t sure what she was getting at. “And what?”
“And we—I mean, I…” She paused for quite a while and then shook her head. “I have a hard time talking about this stuff.”
“What stuff?”
“Things that could be in…our future.”
I cocked an eyebrow at her. Bringing up a higher paying job and our future meant one thing to me. “Are you talking about buying a house and that kind of stuff?”
“Yeah. A house, the nicer truck you wanted a couple of years ago—”
“Wanted but didn’t need,” I clarified. “I like the truck I have. It was just a boner for something new but it’s not a goal of mine.”
“Okay, well besides the truck, we can do other things too, like travel and—”
“In order to travel, you have to have time off to travel. If you’re tied to a law firm like Mercer, you’re going to be working your ass off, Aubrey. And why are you bringing up money? Do you still not understand a single thing about me? I don’t care about money. I don’t care about things. What happened to what you said the other night? You said you didn’t either.”
“I don’t know, Matt!” she groaned. “I just don’t even know what I’m supposed to do, okay? I have no idea how you feel about me so I’m kind of in limbo here. I just want to be whatever is best for you. Don’t you get that?”
“So you’d leave the city and move into the woods with me, raise a family, not care about money or status or what your family thinks?”
She blinked at me a couple of times. “Yes, I would. If it means being with you, I would do all of those things.” She took my hand and squeezed it against her chest. “I love you, Matt. More than anyt
hing in this world. Just give me a chance to prove it to you.”
Her words were confusing to me, all the talk of not wanting anything but getting a better paying job and now saying she wouldn’t need it. Was I just missing something?
“You’re confusing me,” I admitted, pulling my hand away. “I can’t tell what it is you really want because you keep throwing all these things at me. Are you just fishing around, trying to get an idea of what might work for me? Because that’s pointless, Aubrey. Nothing about what I want in life has changed. I’m still the same guy, with the same goals, and the same stubborn ass fool that wants you to be happy but can’t give up on himself either. Maybe that doesn’t make sense, but you and I just aren’t on the same chapter. Hell, maybe we aren’t even in the same book. You say you didn’t know what I was offering you before… It feels like you still don’t know—”
She kissed me. Just fucking grabbed my head and yanked me forward, planting her mouth on mine. At first I was stunned—I seriously hate being interrupted—but this was the girl I had loved for over four years and there hadn’t been anyone but her. So I kissed her back. And as she sought entry to my mouth with her tongue, I allowed it and did the same.
We were pretty much making out in the middle of a public park, and even though I hadn’t known where our “date” was going to lead, I didn’t expect to be taken down so easily. She weakened my resistance instantly because I let old memories enter my thoughts. I wanted to feel how I used to feel about her when we kissed, like there was nothing else in the entire world that would make me want to stop.
But there was, and I pulled away. She had that freshly fucked, drunk love look on her face from being kissed so hard, but then her eyebrows knitted together.
“What’s wrong?” she asked breathlessly.
Everything. Everything was wrong. Within two seconds, everything that had happened came at me all at once. The night of her birthday party, and the morning in the kitchen when she told me there was someone else. I still can’t even believe all of that happened, but it did, and it sent me into a downward spiral. I stopped eating and started drinking, I stopped playing music because my heart was too broken to go on. My life changed in that one week, the week she left me for another guy.
I stood and began packing up my things. I didn’t care that we hadn’t eaten, I just threw it all in my truck without saying a word. Aubrey didn’t speak either, but she sat in the passenger’s seat and bawled the whole way home. It hurt me, it truly did, but I was so pained with resentment right now that I didn’t want to see past my own confusion.
“I’m sorry,” she whispered when I pulled up to her house. “Matt, please know how sorry I am.”
“I know you are,” I answered. And I really did feel she was. I just wasn’t able to handle the situation very well and that was my fault. “I’m not ready to progress with you,” I said. “There are still some things I need to work through.”
“I don’t understand,” she said quietly. “You’ve told me repeatedly that you forgive me. What am I missing?”
“I do forgive you. That’s not the issue. I’m just not ready for this,” I pointed between the two of us. “I’m not ready to just fall back into how things used to be. I don’t know if that’s what you expect, but I just can’t do it right now.”
“I don’t expect anything. Honestly, this was all I wanted—just to spend time with you—and I’m so sorry for messing that up.”
I didn’t even know why I was making such a big fucking deal over her kissing me. It was just a kiss. It didn’t mean I had to give her another chance or anything, it was just a damn kiss.
“It’s not your fault,” I told her. “It’s really not. I’ll call you, okay?”
I watched her swallow as she barely nodded a response, and then she shut the door and walked away.
20
“Oh wow, look at you two!” I grinned as I opened the door to two smiling faces. Three if you count Clare’s.
“They wanted to dress up,” she informed me. “I present to you two lovely princesses.”
“Escorted by their beautiful Queen Mommy,” I observed, ushering them into the house. “Welcome to my humble abode. Hopefully my meager dwelling won’t be too uncomfortable for two lovely princesses.”
“Oh, pssh,” Clare scoffed. “Like they would know the difference. Okay, everything is in here,” she handed me the diaper bag, “and I shouldn’t be gone longer than three hours. Is that okay?”
“Of course it is. That gives us plenty of time to get in trouble.”
“Ha,” she playfully narrowed her eyes at me. Kneeling down she said, “Okay girls, give Mommy a hug. You’re going to stay with Matt for a little bit. Be good.”
Hugs and kisses ensued, and after Clare shut the door behind her, I turned to the girls and clasped my hands together, gave my best evil laugh and said, “Now the fun begins!”
I have no idea if they knew what I meant when they giggled, but we went straight out back to play outside while it was still early in the evening. I’d known Mia and Sadie for a couple of months now and they had absolutely no problem staying with me when their mom was gone. I wasn’t just the number one choice on their list, but I was the only choice on their list.
Once seven p.m. hit, I figured it was time to move the party inside. Ehh, they actually got dirtier outside than I’d planned on, and because the only request Clare had for me was to put them in pajamas before she returned, I knew I couldn’t put those on dirty bodies.
Bath time it was. I did not have “bath toys” for kids, so I did what I could. Cups, spoons, a golf ball, sponge, and an empty water bottle…
Best. Bathtime. Ever.
When I heard my brother’s voice at the door, it scared the shit out of me. I was just in a pair of shorts, but I was wet, the floor was wet, and apparently I had bubbles on my head.
Trent pointed to my hair and I wiped them off.
“I see you’ve found a new hobby,” he said, eyeing both girls giggling in the tub.
Smiling, I sat my butt on the toilet seat and tossed a couple of dry towels on the floor to mop up the mess. “I think I’ve found my calling as a toddler. They’ve nominated me as their leader.”
He laughed and then shook his head. “Yeah, well, I’ll leave you to your calling. I’m gonna go watch the game.” He jutted his thumb over his shoulder and left for the living room.
I faced Mia and Sadie again and said, “Okay, who’s ready for snack time and jammies?”
“Meeeeee!” Sadie squealed.
“Me!” Mia splashed the water and it showered everyone.
“Okay, okay,” I said, wiping my face. “Let’s, uh, get you two rinsed off and ready for bed.”
It took a bit longer than I’d expected, but I miraculously got both girls dried, in night diapers, and fully dressed in pajamas. I delivered them both to the couch, dropping them next to Trent, and then allowing myself to crash on the other end next to them.
My brother eyed the two munchkins next to him. “I think you wore him out,” he pointed to me. “Yeah, I think you two would give me a heart attack.”
I laughed because they were both looking at him with their big blue eyes, but there were no smiles or frowns. They seemed a bit indifferent, looking him over.
“You don’t talk or anything? Just stare at people?” Trent said dryly.
I knew he was joking, but that kind of humor wasn’t going to work on little people. “Here,” I tossed him a pack of fruit snacks. “You can be a hero for a minute or two.”
“Ooh, snacks,” he smiled, ripping open the package. He must have grabbed half the contents and stuck them in his mouth.
“You’re supposed to share with them,” I said. “You big, dumb ass,” I mumbled, reaching for another package.
“Here,” he held one out to Mia. She wouldn’t take it. He moved it in front of Sadie. “Take it before I eat it.”
I reached out and grabbed it from his hand, making grotesque Cookie Monster sounds just
to eat it. “Mine.”
I know, I know, never teach your kids to say ‘mine’ to anything, but I couldn’t help it—especially because they laughed. I just wanted them to get used to my brother and it helped for the next round of fruit snack offerings. They were literally eating out of his hand (haha, I know) and by the time the second package was gone, Sadie was tucked up on Trent’s lap.
It was actually teeth brushing time, but I couldn’t resist and let Sadie fall asleep on my brother while he watched baseball. Call me soft, but it was cute, especially because my brother could be such a selfish dick and having a toddler cuddled on him showed his soft side.
Mia was curled up on the couch but her head was on my thigh, and that was the sight that Clare witnessed when she entered the house. At first she closed the door quietly behind her, and then she paused as she looked us over.
Then she took a picture.
“Hey, that’s so not cool,” Trent argued in a soft voice. “Gimme the evidence,” he motioned with his hand.
Clare refrained from laughing out loud. “Hell no, I’m keeping this.”
“Blackmail? Doesn’t work on me.”
“No. Proof.”
“Proof of what,” he narrowed his eyes at her.
“Proof that you’re not as tough as you think you are.”
“Hmphf,” he grunted. “It’s all a part of my game.”
Clare rolled her eyes, and frankly, so did I. But after a brief apology that I didn’t get their teeth brushed yet, she waved it off and said she didn’t care. Then she watched the last inning of the game with us and happened to fall asleep against my shoulder.
Trent and I looked at one another, not quite sure what to do. All of us were on one couch, but he had the most room and carefully stood to lay Sadie by herself. He pulled a throw blanket off the chair and laid it over her.
“You’re on your own,” he whispered as he waved at me with a shitty smile and slipped out the front door.
