They talked about other things then, the writing he’d done, and the show he was going to be working on. And after a while, she went to put the girls to bed and let them skip their bath. She read them a story and turned out the light. Ashley and Geoff could hear giggles coming from the room for a while, and then they stopped, as he and Ashley continued to sit on the deck, and opened another bottle of wine. It was a warm night, and they never went inside. And they were both startled to realize that it was after midnight when they got up, and he said he had to leave. He had a meeting in the morning, and she had to get the girls to camp.
“I had a wonderful evening, Ash,” he said as she walked him to his car. He said he was staying at a hotel that was full of rock stars who partied all night and he couldn’t wait to get his own place. He turned to look at her in the moonlight, and he had never seen anyone as beautiful in his life. She looked like a vision in the soft light, with her halo of hair around her face. And suddenly she didn’t look like a child to him anymore, just an exquisite woman, and he took her face in his hands and bent down to kiss her on the mouth, and before he knew what had hit him, he had put more passion in it than he meant to, and they were kissing, he was holding her close to him, and she was kissing him back. All the longing and tenderness that had sprung from their childhood found its way into their kiss now, and it was a long time before they stopped, and when they did, they both looked stunned. Neither of them had expected to do that, it had just happened spontaneously.
“Oh,” Ashley said to him in surprise. “What was that?”
“I’m not sure. But I think I just saw a white horse go by,” he said, trying to lighten the moment, and she laughed. But they weren’t twelve and thirteen anymore, and the kiss hadn’t been as innocent as he’d intended. It had been a real one, for them both. And she suddenly realized that she hadn’t kissed any man except for Marshall in eight years. And he could see that she felt guilty as she looked at Geoff. “I’m sorry, Ash … I don’t know what happened.” But he wasn’t sorry, and she didn’t look it either.
“I think I’m a little drunk,” she said softly as an excuse. They had finished two bottles of wine, but over many hours.
“I think I may be too,” he admitted, and then put his car keys in his pocket. “I think I’ll call a cab.”
They stood together, waiting for it to come, and he kissed her again, and neither of them used being drunk as an excuse. When the cab came, he hugged her and looked into her eyes.
“I’ll call you tomorrow,” he said, and kissed her again, lightly this time, and she waved as he drove away. And then she walked quietly into the house wondering if he was a gift from destiny, or a temptation that had been put in her path, or just a strange coincidence of fate. She had no idea, and before she could figure it out, she was in bed and fell asleep instantly.
Ashley woke up the next morning with a terrible headache, and she groaned as she got up. The sun was too bright, the girls were too loud at breakfast, and her stomach was upset. And she remembered Geoff kissing her the night before with an acute pang of guilt. She was worried about Marshall cheating on her, and what she had done was almost as bad, or so it seemed to her. She had gotten carried away on their reminiscences and talking in the moonlight, and it was so easy being with Geoff. It had seemed so natural to kiss him, and she told herself it was the wine, but she wasn’t sure that was true.
After she dropped the girls off, she called Geoff from the car. He had picked up his car and was on his way to a meeting, and he sounded happy to hear from her.
“Are you mad at me?” he asked her immediately, and she sighed.
“No, I’m mad at myself. I shouldn’t have done that … but it was nice,” she said, and giggled, and he laughed. She felt like a kid and so did he. Twelve and thirteen, on a beach.
“Yeah, it was. I’d be lying if I told you I was sorry we did it. Actually, I’m glad,” he said honestly.
“Me too,” she admitted. It seemed so simple and carefree, until she thought about Marshall, and then it seemed wrong. But when she had been kissing Geoff, she only thought of him. “I haven’t kissed another man in eight years.”
“Maybe you should have.” He had to go into his meeting then. “Can I see you tonight?”
“No,” she said sadly. “Marshall is coming home. It’s Wednesday.”
“When will he leave?” Geoff sounded hopeful. He wanted to see her again. Soon.
“Friday morning. But Geoff, I’m not going to do that again. I’m not going to see someone behind his back. That’s no better than what he does, going back and forth between me and his wife, and lying to her.”
“We can be friends, then,” he conceded. “I promise I’ll behave. We’ll go easy on the wine.” She laughed at what he said. “I’ll call you Friday. Maybe we can do something with the kids this weekend. The beach, the zoo, whatever you do with kids that age.”
“We can go to my beach club. They love to swim.” It was fun having someone to do things with over the weekend. She never had anyone to spend weekends with, except Bonnie when she was free. Over the years, she had stopped seeing her friends, because her situation was so awkward and she didn’t want to explain it. “Good luck at your meeting.” Her head was still throbbing from the night before.
“Are you kidding? I had three Tylenol for breakfast and I feel like my head is going to fall off.”
“Yeah, me too,” she laughed. “Talk to you soon.” She drove home then, thinking about him, and when she got home, Marshall texted her. He had just gotten on the plane, and said he’d see her that night. He didn’t add “I love you,” which was unusual for him, and it made her feel guilty again. And worse when she thought of Geoff all day and the kiss the night before. She was wondering if she shouldn’t see him on the weekend. It had been so wonderful to find him again, but now she was confused.
She felt as though she were on the spin cycle of a washing machine all day. Nothing felt right. She was impatient with the girls when she picked them up, and she had a headache until five o’clock, when she dropped them off at a babysitter. And at six, as she got out of the shower, Marshall walked through the door. He came upstairs to find her, and she was standing in her bathroom naked as he looked at her as though for the first time. And the moment she saw him, she knew how wrong she had been the night before. Marshall was staring at her, and he was seized by a tidal wave of passion. Knowing the girls weren’t there, he strode across the bedroom, and a moment later she was in his arms, and they were taken by such a powerful force that they both lay breathless afterward, wondering what had happened. It had been like the very first time, only better. It was as though he had poured his heart and soul into her, and he couldn’t pull away. He didn’t want to let go of her ever again, and when she looked at him, there were tears in his eyes and rolling down his cheeks.
“Darling, what’s wrong?” she asked him, and he just shook his head. He had come to end it with her, and the moment he saw her he knew he couldn’t. He had to have her in his life. There was no way he could give her up. She owned him, he was addicted to her, and they couldn’t stay as they were or he’d lose his job. If he wanted to keep his career intact, he had to give Liz up, but not Ash. Not now. He needed Liz for his career, but he needed Ashley for everything else. He sat up in bed then, and told her about the anxiety attack he had had on Monday, when he thought he was dying, and then she saw the bruise in his groin. She hadn’t seen it before. They had started making love so quickly that she didn’t have time to look.
“Why didn’t you call me?” she said, sad that he hadn’t.
“I didn’t have time, it hit me so fast.”
“You could have called me the day after. You didn’t even text me. I just thought you were busy.”
“I was. I figured I’d tell you when I was here,” he said, but in truth he had already decided to end it with her, and didn’t want any contact with her until he got to L.A. And then everything had changed again when he saw her naked and had to have her.
And he wanted her desperately again. He felt as though he had lost her for the past two days, and it was already more than he could bear.
“Do you know what brought it on?” She looked worried about his panic attack.
He did, but he didn’t want to tell her. “A combination of things. I had a meeting with the chairman of the board on Monday. Just the usual stress. I guess it got to me. I thought I was going to die,” he said, and she shuddered. And then what would have happened? she wondered. Who would have called her, since no one knew about her? She would have seen it on the morning news or read it in the paper. It was a horrifying thought that brought her situation into instant focus. She had never thought of his dying before. She didn’t say anything, but she looked upset when they went downstairs, and he was particularly sweet with the girls that night when the sitter dropped them off, and he read them bedtime stories and played with them for a while. The girls loved it when he came home. And afterward he and Ashley went upstairs and made love again. After what he had told her about Monday night, they were both desperate for each other, as though clinging to life. They were both exhausted when they slept in each other’s arms that night, and emotionally drained.
And he lingered the next morning and waited until she got back from taking the girls to camp. She was surprised to see him still there.
“Are you feeling okay?” she asked him, concerned. Maybe he had overexerted himself, and would have another attack, but he shook his head.
“I have to talk to you,” he said quietly, and they went out on the deck.
“Is something wrong?” She had never seen him look like that before.
“It was. Not now. For us. I had a visit from the chairman of the board on Monday. They know about us, Ash. And after the business of the sexual harassment accusation, they don’t want another scandal. We got out of that one by the skin of our teeth, and they were very nice about it. But they don’t want a CEO who is at the epicenter of a scandal every five minutes. My job is on the line,” he said simply. This was serious business to him. As serious as it could get.
“They’re going to fire you because of me?” She didn’t understand and she looked shocked, but he shook his head.
“Not exactly. The chairman told me that they want me to clean up my act. They don’t care who I stay with, you or Liz, but they know about my double life. Apparently people in the office here figured it out, and some secretary who knew you. I guess people have seen us over the years. No one said anything to me, but it got back to the board. They either want me to leave Liz, or you. I came down here to end it with you, Ash. That’s why I didn’t call you after the anxiety attack. I was going to tell you this morning that it was over for us. But now I can’t.”
“After you spent the night with me?” She looked horrified by what he’d just said, and the timing of it hadn’t escaped her.
“I thought we could have one last night, and then say goodbye.” He was being brutally honest with her, as he never had been before. He had wanted that last night before he told her, which was so unfair and so selfish.
“And what about our girls?” Ashley looked panicked at the reality of what he was saying. He’d been planning to leave her.
“I have a provision for the girls in my will, and for you,” he explained. “I took care of that seven years ago.”
“Would you see them if you left me?” Her eyes looked sad that she even had to ask him. She felt as though she didn’t know him anymore.
“Of course. Eventually. I hadn’t figured that out. I just knew that I had to end it with you, or my career at UPI is over. They made that clear. But when I saw you yesterday, I knew I couldn’t do that. I can’t live without you. So I’m going to tell Liz that I’m divorcing her. It’s either that, or my job,” he said miserably. He felt sorry for Liz, but there was nothing else he could do. He had to end it with one or the other. He couldn’t with Ashley, he had discovered, so it had to be Liz.
“And you’re divorcing her?” He nodded. “Then why couldn’t you do that for me? What about Lindsay’s senior year, and your other kids, and all the reasons you gave me?”
“Lindsay’s senior year is going to be a lot more unpleasant if her father is out of a job.” Ashley knew he didn’t need the money, but he needed the food for his ego, and the power, and everything that went with it. That was what this was all about, not his love for her, or Liz.
“And what if she changes your mind when you tell her? If she begs you, or threatens to kill herself?”
“She wouldn’t do that. She’s a sensible woman. And I hope you would never threaten me with that either.” He didn’t think she would, but you never knew.
“And what if they tell you to get rid of me one day, or they’ll fire you? I guess then I’d be history too, wouldn’t I?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. They’d have no reason to do that, if I’m not leading a double life. This is what they’re objecting to, not who you are. I could be married to a monkey for all they care, they just don’t want me to cause a scandal, which could drive stock prices down or infuriate stockholders. This is business to them, it’s not about love and romance.” He looked impatient as he said it. He didn’t like the questions she was asking, which he thought were unnecessary and superfluous. He was willing to give her what she wanted now, and she was looking a gift horse in the mouth and examining its teeth. And he didn’t like it. He didn’t want to be raked over the coals by her now, or interrogated about his decision.
“And what is this about to you?” she asked him in a strained voice. “Love or your job? If they hadn’t forced your hand now, would you ever have left Liz, or would you have left me like this for the next twenty years, hidden away in Malibu, while you live with Liz five days a week?”
“That’s irrelevant,” he said harshly. “I told you I’m divorcing her. I’m going to drive up to the lake and tell her tomorrow. I’m going to fly back tonight.” He had it all worked out in his mind. He had a plan. And by Monday he wanted to tell the board the deed was done.
“What if she says no?” Ashley asked him.
“She has no choice in the matter. I’m going to file for divorce immediately. I have to satisfy the board.” She could see the same thing happening to her one day, that was about to happen to Liz, and just as coldly. If her existence ever put his career at risk, he would leave her flat. And he was about to do that to Liz. After all Ashley’s begging and pleading for years, he was leaving Liz for the board, not for her. She felt an icy chill run down her spine as she looked at him. He was the coldest man she had ever met, and she realized now that all he cared about was his career. She was just a body to him, and a great piece of ass, which was why he was choosing her, not Liz. But the real love of his life was UPI. She knew that now. It was clear. And even their daughters didn’t matter to him. They were in his will, but not his heart. Nothing mattered to him except himself and his career. It was frightening to think about, and Ashley had never felt so alone in her entire life. Winning him now was a hollow victory. He had made the decision for all the wrong reasons, and if anything happened to change that, she knew that he would turn around just as fast and dump her too. She would never have a moment’s security with him. As long as UPI owned him, and whenever his career was at risk, her life with him would be in jeopardy and could be canceled at a moment’s notice. She sat in silence watching him, and he had told her all he had to say.
“I’m flying back tonight, and I’ll see her tomorrow. I’ll call you this weekend and let you know how it went,” Marshall said matter-of-factly, and she nodded. She didn’t know what to say to him. “Thank you,” “Good luck,” “Have fun”? “I love you” seemed irrelevant now in his world. The board had told him to get rid of one of them, and it had almost been her, after he spent a night with her and made love to her while she had no idea that he was going to dump her. Instead it was happening to Liz. It made their lovemaking the night before seem like a travesty. He didn’t love her. He needed her, in order to feel powerful a
nd virile and alive. He didn’t love anyone but himself. Ashley had suddenly seen that like lightning lighting up a night sky.
He put his arms around her before he left, and she felt wooden as he held her. She couldn’t say anything to him. All she could think of now was that he had come there to break it off with her and had changed his mind, like a deal he had salvaged at the last minute. Mergers and acquisitions. He had traded one merger for another. She knew she should be grateful to him for picking her instead of Liz, but she wasn’t. She just felt sick.
“I love you, Ash,” he said quietly. “I always did.” But she didn’t believe him now when he said it, and she knew she never would again. The words meant nothing to him. He was going to be with her, thanks to the board, not to him. “We always knew that someone would get hurt in this, in the end. I’m glad it won’t be you,” he said generously, but she was hurting anyway, more than he would ever understand. And even if he got divorced now, she had lost in the end. She could no longer harbor illusions that he loved her, and wanted to be with her. He just didn’t want to lose his job as CEO, and she was younger and sexier than Liz and made him feel more potent.
“I love you too, Marshall,” she said, and kissed him. But they were just words now, and the kiss he returned wasn’t a searing kiss like the night before when he had been overwhelmed with need and passion, or even a kiss like she’d had with Geoff the night their feelings had overwhelmed them. It was a small, cold kiss. It was the kiss of a powerful man who never did anything without a reason, or a benefit to be derived. On his profit and loss sheet, she had moved from loss to profit by a sheer stroke of luck, and nothing else. “Have a safe flight back.”
“I’ll call you before I leave,” he said to her, and then left for the office. She stood on the deck for a long time, thinking about him, and wondering what life would be like with him. She had dreamed of it for eight years, and now she couldn’t envision it. She couldn’t imagine feeling as though he really loved her, ever again.
Power Play: A Novel Page 20
